Please convince me this is the right thing to do.

[normaleggy]

First post. On Saturday, I split withmy husband, the father of my two young children. We had been together for 14 years married for 4. We did talk it through first and agreed that we were unhappy and had grown apart and, having been down this road several times, enough was enough. I am currently staying at my parents with dd 3.7 and ds 1.9 as he wouldn't let us stay in the house unless I took on all the bills (I work 2 days a week, would be impossible) so we left.

We nearly split a few months ago after I found some message between him and a work collegue who he had obviously had a fling with. He denies this, says they were just friends and were just jokey messages - although she was saying that she misses their naked cuddles and that she has fallen in love with him, he said that he thought about her every day and that she had changed him and he liked it! For some reason i agreed not to leave but the relationship was clearly dead at that point. We agreed to make more of an effort with each other but just haven't, and I think the love and trust has gone. He has a lot of work friends who I have never met that he goes out with a lot, never comes out with our friends any more and I think our friends have all given up on him. I also found a receipt from a fairly expensive restaurant in his wallet the other day for £80, which sounds right for a meal for 2 to me, when he was apparently on a lads night. As the girl in the messages is currently travelling the world, I guess this is yet another girl. He also had an affair a few years ago, but I forgave him.

It's not just the affairs, I hate the way he speaks to me and the kids, and friends have also commented on it. There have been many occasions over the years where he has started arguements and insulted me in front of our friends over the years, once calling me a fucking whore in front of all of them. He also does nothing in the house or for the kids, has never change a nappy, given them a bath, put them to bed, read them a story and just can't deal with them unless they are being well behaved and happy. But they adore him. There are other things, I could go on.

Reading this back, I'm sure I have made the right decision but I just have this niggling doubt at the back of my mind. I've taken the kids out of their home (rented thankfully) and away from the Dad they love, I don't know how long we will have to live with my parents, husband is devastated (can't help feeling guilty, stupid I know), I don't know how I will cope financially or explain to my kids that we are not going home.

I just can't stop crying, please help me find some strength.

Aaarggh he gets worse!! My in laws had the kids for a few hours today. They were playing in the front garden when exh pulled up unexpectedly. The kids saw him and ran to the gate, but he refused to get out of the car to see them. He had come to collect something so he called his Mum over to the car, told her what it was, she went and got it for him and he drove off!! My poor dcs were stood at the gate calling to him the whole time. I just can't believe anyone could be so heartless and cruel to their own children. My dd was really upset as he has done this to her before. I just can't see what he thinks he could possibly gain from doing that because now his family have seen what a cunt he can be. Luckily my mil and sils kept them happy and distracted for the rest of the afternoon and were certainly happy enough when I returned. I'm just so fucking cross with him.

Sorry no advice. Just bumping for you as I do think formal arrangements need to be sorted for dc. This must be so damaging for them - prob better off with zero contact

Thanks Grim, My ils have the kids over once a fortnight for the day and exh and I agreed that he would spend that time with them too to begin with then maybe try and see them a bit more when dcs were settled with the fact we are no longer together. So far he has failed to turn up every time since we made the agreement in November. If he doesn't stick to what we agreed then that's his fault and his loss. I haven't told dcs that he is supposed to be there since the first time he didn't show, i don't want them getting upset everytime they are there.

Norma , couldn't read and run. Just wanted to say what an absolute twat your ex is. Not often I say this but your kids are better off without him. I would also question your in laws to let him treat your children like this.

What an utter bastard, I would stop trying now, full stop!! To ignore your children is beyond belief, keep contact with IL's so your children don't miss out. If he wants to see the kids then he contacts you (no abuse) and arranges it, if he doesn't its his loss. What a dick, I'm fuming in your behalf and on behalf of your kids!!
And I know it can work really well, I'm MN sat snuggled on sofa with DSS and DH and smiling because I got a lovely Birthday card from my DSS mum today, it can work so well if you both want it too. ARGH!!

I have stopped trying now. I'll happily take them to the il's, they have been fabulous actually, plus it gives me a bit of a break too. They were completely disgusted with him, I don't know if any of them have tried to talk to him and see why he does it or to tell him to grow the fuck up but it just goes to show how difficult and stubborn he is that even his family won't stand up to him.

Every time he does something like this, I quietly applaud myself for getting away from him.

Don't really have any advice..but just want to send you a virtual (hug)
Your ex is an arse...as most ex's are. I thought my 2 were bad

It's nice that the ILs still want to see the kids, and even better that they are witnessing this man behaving badly. THe best way to deal with the likes of him is calm, smiling indifference and doing everything possible through third parties. Best of luck Normal, you're doing great.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH CUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNT.

That's all. Feel better now.

what a nobber! Your poor DCs :( I hope you and your children are ok. Sending virtual hugs and strength! Can you spk to childrens centres or HV on how to protect your children emotionally from this..coping strats etc..I'm not sure if they do that?? Sending virtual malteasers and a glass of vino :) honestly men like that should get jail time for crimes against children. Blondey can have him! xx

Agreed, she is welcome to him. I went back to the house today to pick up the last of my stuff. Exh sent text to say it was all in the garage and he would leave it open for me. He took my keys off me when I left but doesn't know that I got hold of another set. I went into the house and my dds bed was still there so I took it. I text him to tell him I had done that and he went mental. He said that I had no right to do that, the bed is on the inventory and I need to take it back or par £250! That bed is mine given to me by a friend, there was an old single bed there when we moved in but it was heavily stained and the landlord gave us permission to throw it (and a few other things) away. He has been sending me shitty texts all evening again, saying I had no right to go in the house and I only did it to piss him off and he will be round in the morning to get the bed! The bed is not here, being stored at a friends. I told him this 3 times. I also pointed out to him that if I wanted to piss him off I would have smeared shit on the walls. I said I will ring letting agents tomorrow and ask them to confirm this with the landlord which I know will be fine.

My latest text from him read "I am so pissed off. You will be seeing me tomorrow." I find this a bit threatening actually and now am concerned about what he is going to do.

I'd been doing so well lately but now I feel upset and angry again. I have done nothing wrong but he always turns it round to make it look like I have.

I've just read your thread, and cannot believe the effing cheek of this man. Didn't want to read and run, but wanted to bump for you - keep venting.

You're doing absolutely the right thing and Am so so pleased that this shit of a man hasn't broken you despite all his lame arsed attempts. He's certainly not going to be adult about this and it's such a poor shame for your Dcs to have to go through.

Stay strong, don't let him break you down. You're doing so so well. Hang in there.

X

I have just read your whole thread, you are doing the right thing, never, ever allow yourself a moments doubt!
The fact that your old neighbours, your in laws and your friends are supporting your and your children (your friend cried with relief ffs) just shows that they realised what he was like long before you had the courage to admit it.
Shame your mil raised such a spoilt little wanker, but the guilt she is probably feeling is going to help support your kids in having something of a relationship with that side of their family.
Get that divorce, that will still feel like a shock but will be a massive milestone in your building a better life for the 3 of you. Don't let the little turd spoil any future relationships, you will be able to leave all of this behind you. I did it and so can you.

Good luck with the continuing childish shit he will dish out from time to time, you recognise it for what it is now so you know how to protect your kids and yourself.
Huge hugs to you, no one deserves this kind of treatment but you are clearly doing well.
X x x x

I can't believe his behaviour, its so bizarre, cruel and selfish. but on the positive side at least your kids wont have him as a role model. He is doing them a big favour staying out of their lives. he sounds unhinged and mean and not a good parent.

he's using bed as an excuse to see you/reason tobe in contact..you'll be fine he's too much of a coward to do anything..but of course be careful and maybe call friends/family so your not alone! good luck x

Wow. This morning at 7am I got a phone call from my brother saying that exh was banging on his door demanding that he give him the bed back or he is calling the police to report stolen goods in his van!!! (we used my brothers work van to collect stuff from the house) Un-fucking-believable!! I phoned him to ask what the fuck he thought he was doing, he ranted on about me breaking into the house and stealing the bed (?!) then went on about how much he hates me now and I've ruined his life, that I've turned him into this, all the usual stuff. He then spent the rest of the day texting me that he loves me and misses us and begging me to give him another chance. I'm so so tired of having to go over the same thing with him.

he's totally predictable isn't he...its all a bit split personalitity too..has he got mh history? To be honest I would totally disengage from him. Never answer calls, reply to letters texts etc etc. Spk to PIL and explain to them that you can't deal directly with him anymore and would they maybe agree to be a go between to discuss DC only related issues. You can offer your visiting options for dcs to ex via PIL and just go from there. This man is a emotional leech, this will continue and potentially get worse IF you remain in contact. It must be very hard for you but it sounds like any contact you are having is feeding his sense of...well whatever the hell it is that man is thinking! You sound like a srtong, intelliegnt capable woman and you've displayed great strength of character and desisiveness. You should be proud. He's not worth your time, thoughts or energy. Change your tel number, block him on facebook etc, get PIL on side for stopping contact between you and ex and start your new free life. You are very very very much better off without that parasite infecting your thoughts and/or future! Good luck OP x

Yup, just disengage. Put the phone down on him if he rings, don't answer the door if he turns up, ignore texts and emails. And if he does something like trying to break into your home, call the police.

You could also speak to your solicitor and the police about a restraining order.
You need to change your mobile number too, a real pain in the bum to manage, but if you have the PIL as go betweens, he has no need, ever, to have the new number, this thread, your phone memory and statements from family, neighbours etc ought to provide more than enough evidence.
Get yourself some peace

Have had a lot of emotional, angry, hurt text messages again today. He is saying that he loves and misses me and the kids so much, that he would do anything to have us back and that he can't go on without us anymore. He is basically saying that if there is no chance of us ever being together again that he is going to kill himself. I know he is probably just saying this for a reaction and thats exactly what everyone will come on and tell me but there is just that part of me that thinks he may be serious and I just don't know what to do. Going back is not an option.

Report this to the police. Let them decide whether it seems like a suicide threat. If so they are likely to go and check on him. If he is serious, this could save his life. If not, then he is unlikely to repeat this particular piece of manipulation.

You have done the right thing, stay strong.

I don't know where he lives, he won't tell me. I told him that I was going to call his parents unless he promised me he wouldn't do anything stupid. Think that shit him up a bit, he got a bit panicy at that. I know he is probably not going to do anything, but if I just ignore him and he does go through with it, I would never forgive myself. Despite everything that has happened, I don't hate him, I certainly don't wish him dead, I just don't love him or want him after what he has done to me. Its just all or nothing with him and I can't give him all. I have said to him so many times that I would like us to be able to get on as we are always going to be in each others lives because of dcs, but unless we are together he doesn't seem willing to even try. We can't go on like this, I know that much.

Does he have a landline number you know? They can trace it from that. Or give them his parents details. You are right to take this seriously.

Stop trying to protect his parents. I hope you're keeping copies of all his texts threatening to kill himself, might be useful if he changed tactics and goes for custody

OP - Could come under harassment, in which case you would be within your rights to report him to police.

So sorry for all your troubles; best of luck!