Please convince me this is the right thing to do.

[normaleggy]

First post. On Saturday, I split withmy husband, the father of my two young children. We had been together for 14 years married for 4. We did talk it through first and agreed that we were unhappy and had grown apart and, having been down this road several times, enough was enough. I am currently staying at my parents with dd 3.7 and ds 1.9 as he wouldn't let us stay in the house unless I took on all the bills (I work 2 days a week, would be impossible) so we left.

We nearly split a few months ago after I found some message between him and a work collegue who he had obviously had a fling with. He denies this, says they were just friends and were just jokey messages - although she was saying that she misses their naked cuddles and that she has fallen in love with him, he said that he thought about her every day and that she had changed him and he liked it! For some reason i agreed not to leave but the relationship was clearly dead at that point. We agreed to make more of an effort with each other but just haven't, and I think the love and trust has gone. He has a lot of work friends who I have never met that he goes out with a lot, never comes out with our friends any more and I think our friends have all given up on him. I also found a receipt from a fairly expensive restaurant in his wallet the other day for £80, which sounds right for a meal for 2 to me, when he was apparently on a lads night. As the girl in the messages is currently travelling the world, I guess this is yet another girl. He also had an affair a few years ago, but I forgave him.

It's not just the affairs, I hate the way he speaks to me and the kids, and friends have also commented on it. There have been many occasions over the years where he has started arguements and insulted me in front of our friends over the years, once calling me a fucking whore in front of all of them. He also does nothing in the house or for the kids, has never change a nappy, given them a bath, put them to bed, read them a story and just can't deal with them unless they are being well behaved and happy. But they adore him. There are other things, I could go on.

Reading this back, I'm sure I have made the right decision but I just have this niggling doubt at the back of my mind. I've taken the kids out of their home (rented thankfully) and away from the Dad they love, I don't know how long we will have to live with my parents, husband is devastated (can't help feeling guilty, stupid I know), I don't know how I will cope financially or explain to my kids that we are not going home.

I just can't stop crying, please help me find some strength.

I think it's that realisation that hurts the most.

This is not about you love, this is about him. Get legal advice over your possessions and ask about black mail.

Wow he is unbelievable. Threatening to burn your stuff is surely a Police matter. I would phone the Police on the non emergency number and get advice. Also get legal advice. You need to get all your personal stuff out of the house ASAP.

exh sent a message yesterday morning to me to say that I didn't have to give him any money. Twat. However he has now backed down massively (even apologised which is a fucking miracle!) and has said he does still want to see the kids, I have agreed that I will take them to his Mums so he can spend time with them there, but at the moment I don't want him talking them anywhere. He wasn't exactly overjoyed with this but I said take it or leave it so he agreed. Kids spent about 5 hours with him and ILs today, and it seemed to go ok, he enjoyed seeing them and they him. Hopefully things will calm down now, we have agreed to try and call a truce and discuss the kids properly.

Had a phone call from the neighbours this evening though to say that the OW is there again tonight. Don't know how to play this now, if we are calling a truce I don't want to go storming round there going "Aha, caught you" stirring it all up again, but it is bloody tempting! I don't care who is shagging now we are separated, it just annoys me that he has been moaning that he has been on his own for the last 10 weeks and it's made him depessed when he quite clearly hasn't! Telling me he still wants me back when he has obviously already moved on! Think I will sit on it for now, and if he kicks off again, will turn up next time she is there.

Ignore him. detach.

the next time he brings up you going back to him, tell him you don't do crowds, and where would his girlfriend sleep when she comes over for the weekend again?

Don't storm in. Save it all up, think about short sharp retorts and trot them out whenever he comes to you with a pathetic line. Get your arsenal of quips ready.

oh and FUCK the Truce... he is just wanting his cake and eating it and he wants an easy life.

Get legal advice and give serious consideration to drawing up divorce papers citing his adultery.

Mmmm..... I've got a feeling his 'truce' won't last long.

I'm sorely tempted to advise you use the OW's presence to you advantage by turning up in the spirit of sweetness and light to cement your newly estabished cordial relations purely on the basis that once he knows that you've seen for your own eyes that he's been less than honest about how he's spending his 'lonely' evenings pining for your return, he'll be less inclined to try any more dirty tricks such as blackmail.

Do you still have the keys? Can you pop round early in morning?

Me again!! Truce lasted 3 weeks, been going well, exh has seen the kids a few times and the shitty texts had stopped but this evening he started having a go at me because I'd made a comment on facebook about a celebrity I quite fancy and because I keep adding new friends most of whom are male apparently. He accused me of trying to wind him up with the celebrity comment and trying to replace him by making friends with other men through facebook. He then said that he had heard from 2 seperate people that I am seeing someone else (I'm not) and that he couldn't believe I had replaced him so quickly. I also spoke to the neighbour who had seen the OW at the house with him, she said that she is there a lot and seems to have moved in!! This doesn't bother me I just can't believe the cheeky fucker.

Just needed to vent............

ex-h still sending shitty texts, blaming me, saying the kids will hate me when they grow up because I wouldn't let him try again and stay as a family. I know he is the one in the wrong, but he just has this ridiculous power to make me feel guilty and I hate hate hate it.

When does this feeling stop............?

Stop. Stop. Nobody replied to you from the 6th - I wish I had seen this post - you need some support here - he is being a dick. You need to limit your interaction with him to just dealing with the kid stuff, take him off your FB, get him as much out of your life as possible, he wants it all on his side, but for you to be still attached to him mentally.
It's over.
He cannot say these things to you.
It is mental abuse.
Don't feel guilty.
He's got some dumb woman to rub his ego and you are having to deal with this alone, albeit you are making new friends, but he wants to make you feel bad about making new friends, and even if you had met somebody else, who says when is too soon, pot calling the kettle black there.
You need to move on from this guy, limit contact, to just arranging the kids visits and that's it. He shouldn't be on your FB. That's creepy. It's over.

Thanks Barreal, not sure if I need a hug or a slap round the face really. I guess I was being naïve to think that he would have calmed down by now and we could be getting on with each other. It's just so hard to get the feeling that I am the main problem out of my head when he has spent so long blaming me and turning everything round to me. I had no idea that he was so manipulative and abusive (I can't really believe that I use that word). I feel like such an idiot. I just keep thinking is he right? Although he has caused this, am I the only one who is happy that we are not together anymore? Am I damaging the kids? I think I know the answer really, but like I say, he just gets into my head. But I do know that I am strong enough not to go back to him, so I suppose that's something.

That is something, a very big something, and a right decision made something.
I'm sitting here thinking about my situation. Long distance, loved, but hang on, how'd the long dist. happen then, and started to think, after reading the girls' stories on here, if I'm in denial myself, that this is mental abuse, that I could just be diving right back into the very same frying pan that wound up with me being driven to an airport and a destination that had just had a major nuclear accident. Love. Strange thing, this love thing.
In my case, I still have to figure it out, he's loving, kind of sorry this happened, but still blames me, which makes me livid inside, but you, I think it's clear as day who the wanchor is, and there ain't no 'ette on it. It's him and you've got to start thinking great things about yourself again, because it wasn't you, I mean, really, he's the one who strayed, and don't get me started here, so move on, unfriend the wanchor, and move forward.

You need hugs. He is being truly awful. Have you got in touch with a soliciter yet? I would be trying to divorce this worthless specimen of manhood as quickly as possible.
And I agree with Barreal, only have contact with him when absolutely necessary. You don't need this man in your life.

Barreal, sounds like an interesting tale, would like to hear it one day x

Normal - been reading your thread and I think you know deep down that it is him , not you to blame - but I know sometimes it can be hard to remember that when they have you doubting yourself. At least I know it was true for me.

One thing I found really helped was that I looked back over our relationship and thought about how he had been like that to other people, so I knew it wasn't just me. That gave me comfort and confidence to know I was doing the right thing. Abusive people are just that: abusive so if he's done it to you, he's bound to have done it to others too. Think back over your time together - how did he react when he didn't get his way with other people? When others stood up to him and refused to take his crap? What about when they disagreed with him? Did he respect their differing opinions? I suspect not - if yours is anything like mine, then the venom comes out when they're not in control.

Personally, I found remembering all the times he had been shitty to other people gave me the strength to think of that when he was saying it to me, and then silently I'd think - not my fault mate, you can't blame me for when you were shitty to "Gilbert" and "Gertrude" and "Gaynor" too. If you struggle to remember, I'm sure a good bitching session with a close and trusted friend will help.

Thanks everyone. You're right Gobalicious, he would get a bit shitty with other people, thought that most people were stupid and didn't have time for them really. All of our mutual friends said to me that they weren't suprised or that they were glad that we'd split. My best friend actually cried with relief, which speaks volumes. Her husband was his best man at our wedding and he said when we split that he'd already decided he didn't want anything more to do with him because of the way he spoke to me and others.

Anyway, today has opened my eyes even more! I took the kids to my in laws, they were having them for a few hours today and ex-h was going there too so he could see the kids. I left before he was due to arrive as he has said that he doesn't want to see me ever again and I didn't want any arguements in front of kids. I told the kids that Daddy would be there too and they were really looking forward to seeing him.

The lazy fucker didn't turn up. My dd was really upset, kept looking out the window for him and ds was asking for him (they are 3.9 and 2.2). He sent me some half-arsed message at 7pm saying that he had been asleep all day and was feeling a bit ill ( he works nights) and couldn't do tomorrow either (was planning to take them swimming). He then sent his Dad a text to say that he was working tonight, which I thought was odd as he didn't say that to me. I text my former neighbour who said that his car is outside the house along with another car, presumably the mystery blonde woman!

I now feel very stupid for shedding any tears over this selfish, lying, lazy, arrogant twat!!

Ill all day and working tonight, my arse!

You're long overdue for a flying visit to his place. Once you've caught him with his pants down, so to speak, he won't be able to front it out and do any more numbers on your head and you'll be in a position to start calling the shots.

I know izzy, you're right, I just haven't been able to pluck up the courage to do it yet!

There's no point really though, is there? I mean, he knows he's shagging her, you know he's shagging her, nobody's going to learn anything new. The only people who are owed an explanation are the DCs, and they're too young to know!

Text me this morning to have a go at me for not replying to his lame arsed text. He said "fuck you then for not replying to my text" ! He can't be bothered to see his kids but I'm the bad guy because I didn't reply to a text!! Fucking arrogant twat. Then went on to say that I have turned into a nasty piece of work and that he was thinking of killing himself. He has also said that he doesn't want to see the kids at all over christmas. I'm sure he doesn't mean these things, am just sick of his mind games and abusive texts.

If he doesn't want to see the dc over Christmas it's because he's made plans with the OW.

I'd put 8' of strong rope, a length of hose suitable for fitting to a car exhaust, and 200 paracetemol with a note saying 'stop being an oxygen thief - choose your poison and make the world a better place' into a cardboard box.

Given that I ascribe to the school of thought that says if you want something doing do it yourself, I'd hand deliver the box to him when I knew that the OW was in situ.

The point being Annie that the twunt doesn't know that the OP knows he's continued his liaison with the OW and has virtually moved her into the former marital home.

Once you've caught him with his trousers down, so to speak, norma he''ll be forced to drop his charade of outraged innocence and you'll be in a better position to call the shots as you'll have knocked him off the moral highground he wants you to believe he occupies.

Everytime he sends you disrepectful text or implies that you are to blame for his fuck-ups, he congratulates himself for having pulled the wool over your eyes. That alone is reason enough to disabuse him of the notion that he's been an exceptionally clever bastard .

What are you waiting for? Next time your former neighbour tells you the OW's car is outside, get yourself round there and deliver your whammy.

Ignore him. All of this stuff is purely to provoke a reaction from you. Just ignore all the texts and hysterics and keep communication to access, finances etc. Keep the texts as a record of his unreasonable behaviour, btw. He's desperate to be seen (even by himself) as the wronged party, despite his actions. Don't respond.

I'd be coming from your position too, Nun, if it wasn't for the fact that ignoring the twunt's continued attempts to undermine the OP can ony lead to more of the same and this state of affairs may ruin the forthcoming festivities for her - notwithstanding the fact that I feel sure she's unlikely to be in any mood to celebrate Christmas and New Year.

There's also the possibility that his liaison with the OW will come to an abrupt end which will give him opportunty to, yet again, do what he does best - i.e. deny, and make out it's all in the OP's mind.

Fronting him when he's entertaining the OW will at least give the OP the proof she needs to confront the reality of what he's done, and what he continues to do, and I have no doubt that this will enable her to put any lingering feelings that she may have got it wrong to rest once and for all.

It could be that the OP's reluctance to pay the twunt a call when she knows the OW is in residence in the former marital home is motivated by her desire to pretend that he's still the man she married, rather than a run of the mill deceitful and manipulative liar.

Ok need to have a vent!!!

Hadn't heard from ex-h for about a month. He hasn't seen the kids, hasn't even shown any interest in them really. He didn't see them over Christmas, didn't want to. He did send them presents, but they would probably have preferred to see him. Having said that they didn't really ask for him either! On Boxing Day I took my DCs to my in laws to spend the day there. Just after lunch my mil said to me that he was coming over later on, did I know. I said I didn't know but if they wanted I would leave the kids there so he could spend some time with them and then pick them up later which I was perfectly happy to do so I could go home and stuff my face with chocolate without interruption. His Dad phoned him to suggest this and he said no, he would be over at 6.30 and he wanted us gone by then. We were going to stay for tea as well but had to leave early. I was a bit annoyed that in laws gave into him, but I suppose he is their son and they wanted to see him too. But they were not happy that he had said that.

Anyway, he was due to move out of the house we were sharing at the weekend and I was going to go there when he had gone to collect the furniture etc that I am keeping before the tenancy up in 3 weeks. I text him a couple of times to find out when he was going, no reply. Then I receive a text from his Mum saying that he told her to tell me that I can go there on 20th to get my stuff (3 days before contract is up) and that she will be a go between now!! What?? How fucking pathetic!! Fast forward to today, he has received a letter regarding outstanding council tax (which I received as well) and told his Mum to tell me that I needed to go to court about paying it!! WHAT??? I haven't lived there since August!!!! So I sent this text to his Mum

"Can you please text exh to ask him if his new lady friend who stays there at the weekend presumably using stuff I paid for and sleeps in my bed if maybe she would like to make a contribution? Thanks."

Funnily enough they didn't seem to know anything about her! About half an hour later I received this text from him:

"I've paid it so fuck off and die"

Me - "Shouldn't have got your Mum involved then, should you?"

Him - "Fuck you, you petty bitch"

I have sent a very apologetic text to his Mum because I really didn't want her involve but they need to know what a cunt he is. (I have said nothing to them so far about why we split, didn't want to be seen to be bad mouthing or turning them against him). But how he can call me petty when he has been replying to my texts through his Mum I don't know. In hindsight I wish I had waited until he was out of the house, am now slightly concerned that he may do something to my stuff, but hey it's just stuff.

Sorry this is long, just needed to get things of my chest.

Have you still got the keys? If so get round there with a van and a couple of big burly blokes whenever he''s likely to be out whenever it suits you.

And take this as a warning that, if you haven't done so already, you're best advised to get yourself a solciitor who specialises in famiy law and file a petition for divorce before he does.

Luckily, a friend of mine is a solicitor and her best mate is one of the top divorce lawyers in the country, so have spoken to her and am in the process of sorting this. My former neighbours are keeping an eye on things, they said he has had someone with a van there a couple of times so I suspect he is about to move out but is just trying to make things difficult for me.

And he did say to me that he would pay for a divorce, he just wanted it sorted and that he didn't want me or the kids to keep his name. Fair enough me, but the kids? I'm not complaining, I'm quite happy to do that and luckily their names do go with my maiden name too, it just seems strange to me.