Please convince me this is the right thing to do.

[normaleggy]

First post. On Saturday, I split withmy husband, the father of my two young children. We had been together for 14 years married for 4. We did talk it through first and agreed that we were unhappy and had grown apart and, having been down this road several times, enough was enough. I am currently staying at my parents with dd 3.7 and ds 1.9 as he wouldn't let us stay in the house unless I took on all the bills (I work 2 days a week, would be impossible) so we left.

We nearly split a few months ago after I found some message between him and a work collegue who he had obviously had a fling with. He denies this, says they were just friends and were just jokey messages - although she was saying that she misses their naked cuddles and that she has fallen in love with him, he said that he thought about her every day and that she had changed him and he liked it! For some reason i agreed not to leave but the relationship was clearly dead at that point. We agreed to make more of an effort with each other but just haven't, and I think the love and trust has gone. He has a lot of work friends who I have never met that he goes out with a lot, never comes out with our friends any more and I think our friends have all given up on him. I also found a receipt from a fairly expensive restaurant in his wallet the other day for £80, which sounds right for a meal for 2 to me, when he was apparently on a lads night. As the girl in the messages is currently travelling the world, I guess this is yet another girl. He also had an affair a few years ago, but I forgave him.

It's not just the affairs, I hate the way he speaks to me and the kids, and friends have also commented on it. There have been many occasions over the years where he has started arguements and insulted me in front of our friends over the years, once calling me a fucking whore in front of all of them. He also does nothing in the house or for the kids, has never change a nappy, given them a bath, put them to bed, read them a story and just can't deal with them unless they are being well behaved and happy. But they adore him. There are other things, I could go on.

Reading this back, I'm sure I have made the right decision but I just have this niggling doubt at the back of my mind. I've taken the kids out of their home (rented thankfully) and away from the Dad they love, I don't know how long we will have to live with my parents, husband is devastated (can't help feeling guilty, stupid I know), I don't know how I will cope financially or explain to my kids that we are not going home.

I just can't stop crying, please help me find some strength.

Sorry OP - have misposted.

Completely ignore me and best of luck!

Vent away - so long as you don't mind me telling you what an utter cock he is!!

None of us want to 'do this' to the kids - but HE did it, not you. It would not have been better for them to grow up in a home where Daddy Fucks Around And Treats Us Like Shit - it is FAR better they grow up with a strong Mum who will not put up with that crap.

As for him - any guilt you feel is completely wasted. HE brought this on himself - the reason you feel guilty is that he's spent years making you responsible for his feelings and his terrible behaviour and made you feel like it's your fault. You have had a lucky escape - it might just take a little while for you to see it for what it is.

Every day I see it more and more and feel a bit stronger today. I spent the day with my best friend who has made me feel so much better about everything, I dropped off my appliction form for council housing, made an appointment to see a benfits officer and am currently looking at jobs online. Need to see which is the best scenario for me.

OK here comes the vent - I didn't mention this yesterday but when I took the kids to see him at the house (I know I shouldn't have done that), he insisted I was not allowed to go upstairs as I have already taken everything I need - I still have a lot of stuff there just nothing essential. I decided not to cause a scene in front of the kids so stayed downstairs (although did sneak my ped egg out!!), and he has taken my key from me so I can only go back when he is there. He then started talking about which bills are outstanding and gave me some money so I could go and pay them! Err...no, fuck off!! If you won't let me have access to my house or my stuff, then I'm fucked if I'm going to go out of my way to do you a favour and pay the fucking bills! That is what triggered the arguement, and he told us it was time to leave. I was upset about that yesterday, but today am bloody proud of myself for telling him to stick it!

Sorry to bump myself up, could do with a hug :-( Although I am feeling much stronger and more confident now, I am just feeling a bit low tonight, it is DS's 2nd birthday next week and I want to be enjoying planning it and getting his presents and having a little party but I am so upset that he won't be waking up in his house for his presents and that his daddy probably won't be there to see him open his presents and probably won't even come to see him. I know he is too young to understand, but I can't help feeling upset.

On another note, DH text me to arrange a time for us to get together and discuss things that need to be done. He then asked me if I "thought this marriage was worth saving, yes or no". I said that too much had happened and too much would have to change, we no longer make each other happy and I can't trust him now, so no. He replied "Ok then I'll be free to meet up in 3 weeks". I know he has a couple of weeks off work from Friday and it sounds to me like he is planning to go away, but has extended it to 3 weeks. I have asked him if he is going away but he won't reply now. I can't help thinking that he has taken more time off because he is planning to go and visit the OW that he was messaging at christmas who is currently in New Zealand. I don't think that bothers me if he is tbh, but I need to know if he is going to be around for DS birthday, but he won't fucking tell me. If he is leaving the country then I want to get back into the house and get the rest of my stuff to while he is gone. I know he's just trying to fuck with my head but damn it, that's one thing he is very good at.

I am sure that refusing you access to your belongings must be illegal musnt it? And surely he cant take your key off you if your name is on the tenancy agreement.

I would stake out the house to see if he is away and then contact your landlord explaining that your H is away and you have lost your key and could he get another one cut for you please? Then go in and clear the place out of everything you own and half of what you owned together.

thinking of you xxx

Thanks Bogeyface, may well do that. Love the idea of him coming back and finding the tv cut in half....tempting!

Well I didnt mean go armed with a chain saw and slice it all down the middle, but if it works for you..... :o

Just make sure that what you take is worth the same as what you leave behind, so if you leave the TV then take the cooker. Or take the microwave but leave the stereo (can you see I am thinking practically about what you will need for you own place?!)

If you have 2 wardrobes then take one, etc. But take all the kids beds and furniture as they will be living with you and you will need it.

Seriously, get prepared, hire a van when you are 100% that he isnt there and go in in one go and get it all.

Norma, it sounds as though trying to be reasonable with him is just a waste of your time. He wants you to chase after him-it's all about control. Try telling/asking him stuff once- if he doesn't respond, go ahead without him.

Contacting your landlord to explain the situation might be a good first step- you also need to ensure that you take any necessary steps to avoid being accountable for any of your H's damage/debts. If you cannot get anywhere with the landlord, might be worth contacting a solicitor. In fact, you should probably think about doing this before you next meet with your H, so that you're prepared- look into how things would proceed if you were to divorce him on the grounds of adultery, find out what you are entitled to.

You're doing brilliantly- and as Chipping says, don't take on the burden of guilt for your husband's mistakes. And don't take a load of crap off him out of fear of jeopardising his relationship with the children- he's a grown-up and he should be taking responsibility for his children, not using them as a weapon.

Right, you have a right to enter YOUR home. If need be, get a lock smith and go in and take your things. TBH, if it wernt for the lease coming to an end, I'd move back in, chance locks and chuck HIS stuff out.

If you want the house and can get the rental agreement in your name, afford the rent, go for it.

Stop asking him what HE'S doing. If you stop asking, he'll panic, he'll think you don't care. Nothing terrifies a nasty abusive cheat more than being unremarkable, dispensable and a waste of oxygen.

If he does go off to the OW in NZ, then you know where you stand then. you know that HE has voted with his dick and has abandoned his family.

You have caused NONE of this, but this abusive, spineless little wanker is trying to heap all the blame onto you, so he comes up smelling of roses. Well stuff that for a game of soldiers.

He wants this relationship to work HE has to be faithful.

He wants a family - he has to be faithful

He wants to take part in his DC life, roll yer ffing sleeves up and get on with it.

In fact, the next time this wimpy little weasel has the balls to stand before you and whine about his lot, his kids or access to them, draw a deep breath and say the above to him over and over and over again.

My X couldn't be bothered to attend his DS 5th birthday... your DS is 2, it's a whole other deal, he'll be fine. I know it's sad, but your DS will be easily distracted.

Don't try to look for massive issues, where there really aren't ones. It also gives you massive weaponry in your Wronged Wife Arsenal... " and can you believe he couldn't be bothered to come to DS birthday..." always results in looks of horror and sharp intakes of breath.

It's a nail in this nobber's coffin wrt RL support going forward...

Spoke to the letting agents today, they said that as my name is on the lease and he won't let me have a key, I can call the police! Seems a bit drastic but may have to do that if this goes on.

He has been texting again today about how I have broken him and he has wanted to kill himself and he hates me for making him feel like that. I know he is just trying to guilt trip me into going back and I won't, I definitely won't, but it's still upsetting me. He is not going away, he said to call him in 3 weeks because he was upset. I've told him that he has brought this on himself and should have considered the consequences before he started anything with her. He is still saying they are just friends, must think I'm fucking stupid.

Disengage, get him out of your life. he's suicidal, but he's booked holiday for 3wks? He's thinking of ending it, but he'll not bother to spend time with his son, before his supposed taking of his own life?

Oh for pete's sake GET ON WITH IT THEN MAN!

He won't go away, he is feeding off you, negative energy works for these idiots too.

Hold on, he is not actually travelling? he said for YOU to call HIM in 3weeks time, because he is so upset... why 3wks then? Why for you to call him in 3 weeks? why?

Is SHE coming over? Something is happening in these 3 weeks... he doesn't want contact with you during this time....

Seriously, get him out of the house, get yourself in, chuck his stuff in a skip or deliver it to his office and don't look back. [twat]

Doubt that she is coming here, she is travelling for a year and is in NZ right now. And please don't joke about him actually doing it, I'm sure he won't and I know he's a twat but he is still father to my children and I don't want them going through that.

I am positive he won't do it. 90% of them threaten it, to get you to do what they want.

if there was any real threat of it (I'm a suicide survivor myself) I'd have never have said anything of the sort. Hope I haven't upset you.

I know he won't really, I'm just a little sensitive tonight. I do appreciate your comments and support, thank you. Have an appointment with a benfits advisor tomorrow which is making me feel a bit nervy as well.

it'll all be fine norma, whatever happens it'll all be OK, you'll make it work.

You have a home, you have rights, you will be OK!

Good luck tomorrow!

btw, you sound lovely.

It could be that he thought something would happen with the OW and maybe that has changed. He is however being incredibly manipulative and selfish. He hasn't made efforts with your marriage and I sadly think nothing will change. How old is he as he sounds very young or maybe he's just very immature?

He's 33, very immature. Still texting me, has had a go at me for not wanting to even discuss trying again and has said that I am dead to him. He will not even mention the kids now. I don't know where to go from here really, I think I'll give him a few days to cool down, but we need to discuss the kids whether he likes it or not.

Go on benefits the rent will be paid by the social all of it providing it is of adequate size for you and the children and not a mansion. You won't pay council tax either. however the place has to be in your name only.

Oh and the letting agents have keys, they have to, they don't give you every set they have.

Only meet him with a mediator to discuss practicalities and arrangements
Ignore his texts
If he says texts "I am going to kill myself " call police and tell them so they can check on him - if serious they will do what is needed to get him help
If not then he won't pull that again
He is trying all ways to keep manipulating
Stay strong and start your and dc new life
Get real life support

Know that he is responsible for himself and how he acts it is not your responsibility

Anytime my now X was rude to me, or if he started on a crappy subject, I hung up on him. Also he'd speak to DS, ask to speak to me but I'd just take the phone and hang up.

YOU get to decide who talks to you and who doesnt. switch your phone off, stop his access to you.

great advice from cestlavie!

Yes thank you, some great advice all round, this forum is a god send!! xx

how you doing today norma?ive been watching your thread but not posted.
youre doing well.(better than you probably think).

Today has been the worst day yet. It seems to have finally hit him that I am not coming back. He turned up at my parents this morning having a go at me about an unpaid bill, said that he has given a lot my stuff to the charity shop and that he is so devastated and talking about suicide again. We had a talk,he said that he never wanted to split and denied everything about the OW again, nothing productive and he stormed out, again saying he didn't want to see the kids anymore etc. Then phoned me later in tears begging me to go round tomorrow and talk, I said ok but nothing is likely to change, he kept asking why I am being like this and how could I be so heartless....

AAAGHHH!! Am tearing my fucking hair out here. We are just going round in circles, I can't reason with him or get him to see my point of view. H said he didn't know I was so unhappy and if 'd told him he would have tried to change. All in hindsight of course. I'm going round to get some more stuff tomorrow, dreading it though. I know he has brought this on himself but I just feel so down. I will not back down though!!