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Original poster

What financial support can I expect from my dh?

26 replies

fellowship · 06/08/2011 16:37

He has submitted his Form E and wants to sell the house immediately to get 50%. I don't want to sell the house.
We have 3 children the youngest is 8. I know I should get 25% of his salary but this won't be enough to cover the morgage, even if I did sell and bought a much smaller house.
Is he epected to pay more than just the child maintenance?

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 06/08/2011 16:39

I think if he has a large family, you can apply for spousal maintenance. I don't though as ex would not pay it, I think he would rather quit his job and go on benefits than have to pay money that was just for me. He foams at the mouth about the Child Support as it is. Someone who knows more will be along soon, I am sure.

Am pretty sure though that you cannot be forced to see the house. I think something can be put in place that he cannot force the sale until your child(ren) turn a certain age.

akaemmafrost · 06/08/2011 16:40

family should be salary.

Not sure what happened there.

FabbyChic · 06/08/2011 16:42

Even if the house is not sold, how would you propose to pay the mortgage?

I haev no idea about spousal maintenace I have always believed that so long as the children are paid for the remaining parent should get their own income be it through benefits or otherwise.

You would be better placed renting whereby your rent would be paid if you were on benefits.

nickschick · 06/08/2011 16:47

Fabby chic - sometimes you need to think before you type.

akaemmafrost · 06/08/2011 16:48

" I have always believed that so long as the children are paid for the remaining parent should get their own income be it through benefits or otherwise."

Balls, especially in cases where the remaining parent is the one who was "left" through no fault of their own. If leaving parent can't keep it in their pants and decides to change everyones lives because of it, why on earth should remaining parent have to suffer for that any more than necessary and certainly if leaving parent is on a vast salary then they should support remaining parent, certainly for a couple of years anyway until everyone adjusts.

Like I say, I don't because my life wouldn't be worth living if I did, I have had to weigh up the pros and cons but in my case I have a SN child and will never be able to work again. Should "Shag About Ex H" have to pay for me? Damn right!

hairylights · 06/08/2011 17:38

Nonsense akaem

If an adult decides not to be in a relationship with another adult why should they have to financially support the other adult (who is capable of supporting themselves). That's called sponging.

mayorquimby · 06/08/2011 17:42

because as far as I'm aware the UK had a no fault divorce system. You don't get more cash because someone shagged around do you? That seems bonkers

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/08/2011 17:44

Spousal maintainance is rare.

Rather than thinking what else you can get out of him i'd use that same energy to find work that pays the bills.

Original poster
fellowship · 06/08/2011 18:16

I do have a job but on low salary after putting career on backfoot to support H working away, etc.
Has any one else been in this position?

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 06/08/2011 18:21

I'd imagine he'd have to be on a very high salary to pay spousal maintenance. How about trying to negotiate him paying half the mortgage as well as maintenance, with the proviso that he keeps a 50% interest in the house, to be sold when youngest is 18.

Even this would be unlikely to happen, start looking at how you can increase your income or what tax credits etc you'd be eligible for as a single income household, and what cheaper, smaller properties can you afford if you must sell your current home now.

HerRoyalNotness · 06/08/2011 18:24

akaem. If it is the RP who did the shagging around, should they then pay the NRP spousal support or get less in the divorce? Ridiculous isn't it? As is your suggestion

PhilipJFry · 06/08/2011 18:30

I would make an appointment with your local Citizen's Advice Bureau about this and if possible meet with a solicitor. They can give you professional advice on what to do if you don't want to sell and he does, and about your other issues. They may not be able to give you certainties but they can offer you information about what the options are and perhaps what chances you have of getting what you want.

nocake · 06/08/2011 18:31

As someone has pointed out, we have a no fault divorce system in the UK which means it's irrelevant who shagged around. The courts only care about making sure children are cared for (including having somewhere to live) and that, if possible, a divorce doesn't leave someone on benefits.

OP, if the kids will be living with you then your husband doesn't have a hope in hell of forcing the sale of the house unless it is sold to buy a smaller house for you and the children. He probably won't get 50% of the house and if he does then it will be as a charge on the house, payable when the youngest child is about 18.

I assume you are taking legal advice to make sure you come up with a sensible financial agreement?

buzzsore · 06/08/2011 18:32

I think if one person puts their career on hold (with the agreement of their partner) in order to raise the children of the relationship, then the working parent ought to have a responsibility to support the sahp in the event of a split, until they get on their feet/retrain. Dunno if the law agrees.

You need to get yourself some good professional financial and legal advice, OP. Don't agree to anything until you do.

Original poster
fellowship · 06/08/2011 18:55

I have got a sol but have only just seen H's financial statement.

He did the dirty whilst working away but I know this doesn't make any difference to the settlement.

He was on a v good salary when he left but immediately gave himself a large pay cut. That is why the 25% won't be enough now. He is in charge of finances so is able to arrange this. He told me the month before he was going he was about to get a big pay rise, so it doesn't make sense.

Has anyone been through anything similar?

OP posts:
steelchic · 06/08/2011 19:17

Fellowship
I'm going through the same just now. My H has said I can live in the house we're lucky mortgage free (due to a member of my family paying it off for us when he came in to some money). Re maintenace he pays me just a bit more than the CSA would make him pay. He is a company Director and I know he gets a very large annual bonus although funnily enough this year and last year he said he wouldn't be getting one (I saw email from his company asking how he wanted it paid - into his wages or into his pension) he denies this. You need to see a sol ASAP to find out were you stand. I'm making an appointment on Monday.
Our situations are so similar I to put my career on hold to bring up our DC's I worked but not in the same position that I had previously as my H traveled and worked away a lot and someone had to be here for the DC's. He to messed about and has now left for on OW. It is really upsetting that like you I supported him 100% to enable him to climb the career ladder and then this is they way he thanks you.
I know how you are feeling but take comfort in the fact that you have done nothing wrong and one day he will realise what he has lost
Thinking of you take care xx

susiedaisy · 06/08/2011 19:42

I agree with happymummy spouse maintenance is rare doesn't often happen, unless the person expected to pay it earns alot of money or the person who wants to receive it has given up their career to support the spouse or their kids, haven said that it is not impossible to get. And can be agreed in principle even if the spouse doesn't make a claim for it straight away, I have just finished mediation with ex and this is what we were told, my usual advice is to book a free 30 min session with a solicitor that specialises in family law

Original poster
fellowship · 06/08/2011 19:49

Thanks so much for your comments Steelchic. Sounds v similar. My ex was due a £10,000 bonus too. He is FD so has no doubt awarded it to himself, but I expect it will have been paid to the OW who is his assistant instead.

I don't know how he lives with himself doing this to his children, but he has no conscience now. He was a religious man once.

I will meet with my sol and discuss it.

OP posts:
steelchic · 06/08/2011 19:58

Good luck, there seems to be a common thread when they leave the marriage for OW. They seem to turn cold and bear no resemblence to the men they were. My H is like a stranger now, cold cowardly and has turned into a compuslive lier. I think we're all well rid, although It is hard

Original poster
fellowship · 06/08/2011 21:06

I know Steelchic def well rid of the controlling b, but I have to worry about the money now and keeping a decent standard of living for the family he abandoned.

I did the same as u. He didn't have to worry about childcare at all whilst I made my apologies at important meetings to collect my children from school. He is argueing that I should increase my hours to increase my income, which will mean our son attending more afterschool childcare. When we were together he was adament that I should be there for the kids. Now their needs don't matter.

I would be earning twice as much if I had stayed full time, but I thought as long as I could support his career that was best for the family.

I feel in the circumstances I should b able to keep the house but don't know what will b the outcome.

Thanks for your support xx

OP posts:
drfayray · 07/08/2011 06:31

Hi Fellowship. Sigh...what is it with these men? ABCKF (my so-called H; too rude to explain, see my thread) was a great person...once. Now he is a cold bastard who says I have no right to make him feel guilty. Uh, yes...

I, too, put my career on hold to support him. He travels a fair bit and well, muggins, here supported him, looking after his DC. Bringing them up to be such great kids.

Keep strong fellowship and keep posting. I know I am finding MN a lifeline.

susiedaisy · 07/08/2011 17:56

Yeah I too only took partime work and juggled my couple of shifts around exH and his busy life, put everything I wanted on the back burner to accommodate my children and husband which I was happy to at the time and he was happy for me to prioritise kids, husband, house, family commitments ( so he didn't have to bother), and then lastly my job in that order, now we have separated however he was in mediation harping on about me working full-time and farming kids out to various people, or he would have them but only if it would officially reduce his CM payments to me, what is it with them. Feel so let down by his stinking attitude towards the kids security and quality of lifeSad

steelchic · 07/08/2011 18:45

Fellowship
Well my meeting with sol will have to be ASAP I've just found ou the OW is pregnant. I'm devestated but I will need to see where my DC'S stand. Re this house I don't want any other child having a claim on it. What a mess

Original poster
fellowship · 08/08/2011 01:10

Steelchic
Yes what a mess. I'm sure it won't make any difference to your house but will affect his outgoings.
It's all so wrong. I feel men who wrong their family like your and my ex have, should be fined or even imprisoned. Why should they get away with it like it is their right to hurt their families in this way. Something is terribly wrong in this country and so in favour of these disgusting men who don't deserve to be called fathers.

Susiedaisy
Yeah my H was so against me working ft but has put on his financial statement that I should increase my hours to increase my income as our son is 8. It will mean our son being in more afterschool care which he hates but H doesn't care about that. But then just before he left he told me he hadn't loved me since I became pregnant with our son so I guess the last person he is thinking about is him (he didn't want another child and I unexpectantly became pregnant).

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 08/08/2011 09:23

SteelchicSad try to keep your chin up and remain dignified, prepare yourself for a shitty few months but have faith that your future will be good once this bit is all over, lean on friends and family when you need to, I separated from exH nine months ago and he now has someone else, to begin with I felt like I had been kicked in the guts, so I understand some of how your feeling but another baby that's harsh, sending you hugs xx

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