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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help needed for a friend whose partner is trying to throw her out.

23 replies

squeakytoy · 05/08/2011 21:37

I promised her I would ask you very knowledgable ladies on here, as I am fairly sure he cant just throw her out, and she is in a right state with worry at the moment.

In a nutshell, they are not married, and have no children, but have a joint mortgage on a property.

He informed her at the beginning of the week that as far as he was concerned the relationship was over. He has spent the week playing mind games with her, which are (in my opinion) getting more and more abusive. Today he told her if she was a bloke he would have "knocked her lights out" and if her family give him a hard time at a bbq they had already agreed to go to tomorrow, he will go home and her clothes will be in the garden.

Currently she pays all the bills, and the food shop, he pays the mortgage. Tonight he told her that he was taking her name off the bills and he would be paying them.

She is going to make an appointment with a solicitor on Monday, and I have told her that Womens Aid will be able to give her advice, but she is in a complete panic, and I said I would ask on here tonight, so that I can hopefully help her a bit in the morning with what she should do.

Thanks. :)

OP posts:

hellospoon · 05/08/2011 21:41

Tell her she must not leave.. Even if it means locking herself in the spare room, Advise her to get all her important documents out of the house and into somewhere safe, such as a family member or close friend, if he is violent / abusive you dont want him to be able to copy her signature.

Get her to make copies of the mortgage documents so she has proof of ownership.

Then get herself the best solicitor and make sure she gets her full half of the house sale. it sounds like a sale would be the best options.

Documents and preperation for a fight are the most important things here.

If he gets violent with her she must call the police and have him arrested, if he trys to play any games with money in the break up she will have it on file what a vile man he is being.

Xales · 05/08/2011 21:45

Also get copies of the old bills so that if he tries to say look I pay for everything she can prove he has only done so from now.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 05/08/2011 21:45

Well if they have split up then they have split up, they won't be living together.

They have to decide between them whether they will sell the property and divide any resulting profits or debts, or whether one will remain in the property and buy the other person out.

I don't understand what your asking.

Or are you saying that your friends boyfriend has decided to split up and wants his girlfriend to just leave and hand over the house to him? Is that it.

Original poster

squeakytoy · 05/08/2011 21:46

Thanks Spoon. Its a one bedroom flat, so space is minimal. I will tell her to get the documents copied.

He has offered to buy her out, but from what she says, his way of raising the money to buy her out, is through a loan which sounds very dodgy to me, and I told her not to agree to anything like that until she has spoken to a solicitor.

She tells me he hasnt been violent with her, but I will be honest, I do think it is heading that way, he is very Jekyll and Hyde, and I am quite worried about her.

OP posts:

Original poster

squeakytoy · 05/08/2011 21:49

NASMN they are still both living in the property, she doesnt want to leave, (I dont think she even wants them to split up), and he wants her gone.

She is worried that he is upto something by taking her name off the bills, but I am sure that because she is on the mortgage he cant just throw her out, and he cant say she hasnt contributed towards things.

OP posts:

festi · 05/08/2011 21:50

I would just leave if I were her, one of them will have to decide to go in the long run. He should not be bullying her out however that is UR, but if staying will antaginise him and make her unsafe and the break up messy surely she should just go sort out finaces through a solicitor and have a clean break, can you or her family not put her up for a while.

festi · 05/08/2011 21:54

but she needs to accept that he does not want to be with her for one reason or another. The reason he is taking her name off the bills is so that he can say he has controbuted to the household but would only work if his name is not on the mortgage and if he takes her name off the bills then when she leaves he pays the bills and not her.

honestly I think she should just leave.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 05/08/2011 21:55

Both people in the relationship don't have to want to split up. Once one of them decides that they don't want to be in the relationship then thats it, it doesn't make any difference whether the other one wants to split up or not.

Your friend is wrong to assume that because she is not the one who wants to split up that she is entitled to stay in the home. It doesn't work like that.

Sell the damm thing, split the profits and move on.

If she doesn't want him to take her name of the bills could she contact the utility companies first and advise them that she is still living there and that the bills are to remain in joint names?

hellospoon · 05/08/2011 21:56

Hmm, As the space is limited she may want to consider finding somewhere she can stay if she is in potential danger, does she have anyone close by she could call in at any time if things got ugly?

Make sure she gets copies of all documentation. If he is upto something then she needs to be prepared for whatever it is that may be thrown her way, It may be worth her phoning all the bill companies she pays and have them put a password onto the account that he won't know, that way he cant change anything without her knowing.

Also get her to phone the mortgage company, get her to tell them that if they recieve anything atall stating she has signed her share over or anything with her signature on it is not actually her signing. she is best to prepare for the worst in this kind of situation.

Definatley stress the paper work copies and for her not to leave anything of high value / sentimental value she wants to keep in the flat as if he does carry out his threats she will more than likey loose it.

FabbyChic · 05/08/2011 21:57

She is entitled to be there just as much as he is. The property will have to be sold and any equity split equally.

Tell her to stop buying anything for him to eat.

hellospoon · 05/08/2011 21:58

Also, if he is paying the council tax, tell her to phone the council to make sure it is being paid.. i had an ex not pay council tax when i left him and i am left to pay it off with a ccj and crap credit rating.. (bad mistake on my part there)

Original poster

squeakytoy · 05/08/2011 22:00

thanks all.

He really is being a twat. Yesterday he said to her "aww, the dog will miss you when you are gone"... she says she burst into tears, and he said "dont, or you will make me cry too"...

OP posts:

festi · 05/08/2011 22:02

she may have the right to be there but sounds like he is playing games that she should get out of fast, no point digging her heels in, that is seriously weird.

take all the practical advice about paperwork contacting utillities council and motgage company, but I would not want to be around him if I were in her situation.

notlettingthefearshow · 05/08/2011 22:04

If her safety is in danger, she should leave immediately and stay with you or someone else she trusts. You can go to the flat together, preferably when he is out, and sort the documents. If he is potentially violent, return with a large male friend. Her head will be clearer when she is out of the flat, and together you can list all the official stuff to be done and work out a plan of action.

Good luck.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 05/08/2011 22:06

He is probably being a twat because he is attempting to bully her out of the home.

Honestly, she has nothing to stay there for, she won't win because men like that win by attrition - she is lucky she didn't marry or have a baby with him.

I would just leave and force a sale via legal channels. I wouldn't stick around to be bullied just because i felt i'd been unjustly treated. It's not worth it.

FabbyChic · 05/08/2011 22:06

She can get a solicitor to put a charge on the property, as an aside he cannot sell it without her permission. She can force a sale though and should do so should she have to move out. Personally if I was her I'd fuck off and see a solicitor on Monday forcing a sale of the property and cutting my losses.

However she has to walk out with what she has bought i.e half the furniture in the property if she has contributed to the costs.

She is unlikely to get anything once she has gone.

As an aside it is cruel to keep a dog in a flat.

KristinaM · 05/08/2011 22:08

Get passposrt, drivimg licencse, bank booksetc all out of the hoouse. Plus copies of all the docs she can find. Plus monye, cards , jewellery.Do this secretly,, dont comfront him

Dont discuss any plans with him or agree anythiing. Just say thijgs like " it s all of a shock and i need a coiple of days to get my head around it" . Dont tell him she is going to a solicitor

Tell her to act all tired and confused. Dont pick fights or try to have discussions aout things or make any plans or agreements with him. Do nothijg else until she has seen a solicitor and has acted on what they say

Original poster

squeakytoy · 05/08/2011 22:10

Fabby, its a ground floor flat with a garden, and the dog gets walked about five times a day.. believe me, that dog is very happy

OP posts:

Original poster

squeakytoy · 05/08/2011 22:11

She also doesnt have anywhere to go to. And is off work sick with depression too (for the last month).

OP posts:

rainbowtoenails · 05/08/2011 22:14

If he is being vindictive she shouldnt leave unless there is a threat of violence. If there is she should contact womens aid and the police. If she leaves he could destroy or sell her belongings, damage the flat to lower its value and obstruct potential buyers from entering to delay / stop a sale.

FabbyChic · 05/08/2011 22:39

He cannot force her out, but he can make life unbearable. If he buys her out surely she can rent somewhere?

I hope she is getting help with the depression, depression is the pits, I know from experience how hard it is, and I doubt this is helping her at all.

solidgoldbrass · 06/08/2011 08:58

Good advice from Kristina, he will have trouble combating this sort of reasonable vagueness while she makes her plans (unless he is really aggressive in which case she can call the police and have him temporarily removed.)

confidence · 06/08/2011 20:58

Just to add to the very important practical advice given by hallospoon etc:

Tell her to keep very detailed and accurate RECORDS of everything that happens. If he does take her name off the utility bills, note the date when the bills were changed, and maybe copy and keep the new bills. If he starts making any kind of threats, selling any joing property, doing anything to the flat etc, note exactly what he did or said and when, with evidence if possible.

Further down the line, if she finds herself in any kind of legal wrangle with this guy (who sound decidedly untrustworthy and like he could well do her over), these records could make a huge difference. It's much better to be able to produced a detailed and dated list of exactly what has happened, than to just make vague exclamation that someone has acted unfairly.

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