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Original poster

Am I 'morbid and sick' for contemplating being the NRP?

79 replies

foreverdirt · 03/08/2011 21:06

DH and I (happy together, no plans to seperate), were discussing what we'd do if we broke up, hypothetically. This comes from discussions about the child support a friend's ex should be but isn't paying.

DH earns 65k a year, I earn nothing (SAHM). We were talking about the proportion of DH's income which would come to me as child support were we to break up (have 2 DCs, 6 and 9). After talking some more we 'agreed' that it would make more sense if DH was the resident parent as he could easily afford an au pair or similar (it would be less than what he'd pay me in CS were I the resident parent), plus housing etc etc (we rent), and he's quite senior so works from home often. I would retrain (eventual plan anyway when DCs are a little older), and pay him child support out of whatever my income was - could afford to rent a 1-bed place but not the three beds the RP would need, etc etc. I know that maintenance would be payable(?), were we to seperate but we were talking about what would be in the DCs best longterm benefit.

I came out of the discussion feeling pretty positive - it was interesting to discuss it all (we've always been into hypotheticals), to know what DH's kneejerk reaction to the situation would be. It also galvinised me to step up my retraining plans and get some more solid earning power - I wasn't expecting DH to embrace the idea of an au pair so wholeheartedly really.

I was chatting with a friend and she was horrified. She called us 'sick and morbid' for even having the conversation and said she couldn't believe I'd contemplate being the NRP - "how could you leave your kids?", she said. I've seen that expressed a lot on various forums etc when a mother is not the primary carer for the children but I'm not sure why it's so horrific a concept?

Are we completely odd for thinking about this, talking about this and am I horrible for considering living apart from the DCs if we were to break up?

OP posts:
Original poster
foreverdirt · 03/08/2011 21:37

I'm a really rubbish SAHM actually - finding the holidays HARD! H currently works 10am-6pm mon-thurs with an additional WFH day and often leaves work early to collect the DCs from school. My retraining is a 60 hour week though it's termtime (teacher training).

Anyway, yes, not a conversation to make set in stone decisions by BUT it's been a springboard to making me want to retrain NOW (which will possibly involve an au pair, don't stone me to death or anything), rather than when the DCs are older.

OP posts:
Original poster
foreverdirt · 03/08/2011 21:38

chugsy I totally disagree. I have wondered what I'd do if we were made homeless, if DH died, if (god forbid), one of the DCs did. For me, 'planning' takes away some of the fear.

OP posts:
camaleon · 03/08/2011 21:40

I see nothing wrong about your conversation. I would not be shocked... It fails to impress though.

Divorcing is not nice and not only about logistics, but having a plan may help.

If you are into hypotheticals, I would say that dreaming about moving to Cuba living a life of sun and rum is much nicer.

MysteriousHamster · 03/08/2011 21:40

Your DH only has more money because you've been a SAHM. It seems odd that after giving up a career for your children, you would then have to give up the children too.

that's why it seems odd to me.

Original poster
foreverdirt · 03/08/2011 21:40

And as a SAHM with low earning potential with a partner with high earning potential I do sometimes feel 'trapped' - we had the 'childcare would cost more than maintaining my job' discussion way back when and it seemed the right thing to do THEN (I'd think differently now), not to do the PGCE and to be a SAHM. But that would leave me in a difficult position if, say, DH left us or died or was unable to work.

OP posts:
MysteriousHamster · 03/08/2011 21:40

ps. after all, he could always give you more money than the CSA says.

chugsy · 03/08/2011 21:42

I'm a planner too, but not a morbid one! Your friend is right, it is morbid. You can't 'plan' for a breakup - you have no idea what would precipitate it.

What if you broke up because DH gambled your money and house away? Where would that leave you?

What if, as others have said, he left you for another woman and moved her in with your children. Would you still not want to live with them?

What you've planned for, it's bordering on a fantasy.

camaleon · 03/08/2011 21:45

I agree with MysteriousHamster.
Perhaps you were having this hypothetical conversation for a reason foreverdirt. Perhaps you should be thinking of the au-pair or any other suitalbe arrangement now. You do not need a divorce for this. It may be much easier

lazarusb · 03/08/2011 21:45

As I said...go ahead and retrain if you want to. But don't do it because 'one day we might split up'. Do it for you.

FabbyChic · 03/08/2011 21:49

YOu wouldnt need a one bed flat you would need a three bed because presumably you would have your children over night and they would need their own rooms.

Personally I can never undestand why a mother ever ever gives her children up to have a different life. Children are for life and they should be with their mother.

Original poster
foreverdirt · 03/08/2011 21:50

Yeah I think it was because I want to retrain now and was expecting DH to disapprove.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 03/08/2011 21:53

so you would arrange it so you both duck out of the main parenting role......leaving that to the au pair? cos your dh works 10-6 and you would live elsewhere?

Original poster
foreverdirt · 03/08/2011 21:58

you think the main parenting goes on between 3.30pm and 6pm four days a week?! Really? But no, he'd change his hours to 8-4 or 9-5.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 03/08/2011 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 03/08/2011 22:03

and you? what would you do?

sounds like its the dc who would be missing out here.....how sad for them

Smum99 · 03/08/2011 22:04

I don't think you are morbid - you have used the scenario to work out what might happen and that has helped to focus you.
I do agree with your assessment that mothers are not always the best parent with care. My DH is a fantastic 'mum', I would not have any qualms about leaving the children with him. I would miss them terribly and I would miss out but they wouldn't.(obviously the best sitution is 2 loving parents) I don't think it's automatically the right of the mother to choose the parent with care role - some mothers/women are awful..sadly the news stories back this up and children have been left with mothers who are clearly incapable. A good mum does what is the absolute best for her children first and her needs are secondary.

You have assessed your situation honestly - some people might not agree but I think your openness and honesty suggests you are a great mum

HeatherSmall · 03/08/2011 22:06

I would sleep in a cardboard box with my DC's, no way would I ever be the NRP no matter what the implications for me.

Boshankles · 03/08/2011 22:07

I think you're touching on people's fear-not being the resident parent.

Original poster
foreverdirt · 03/08/2011 22:15

tiffany - I'd be... doing my PGCE? Do you disapprove of working parents who are together, too?

Boshankles yes, I think it must be a giant fear - I wouldn't make my DCs live in a cardboard box if there was a safe welcoming stable home available.

Smum99 thankyou - it was a useful process for me. I'm not sure why people are so horrified I'd entertain the concept. Mind you, on the threads where women have had affairs they are often told they should leave their DCs with the father.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 03/08/2011 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 03/08/2011 22:22

i disapprove of simplistic little fantasies,putting the dc LAST!

i have spent enough time in courtrooms and on child residency forums to know these things are just not that simple......you havent even mentioned your 'imagined' access arrangements!!

alistron1 · 03/08/2011 22:24

DP and I have never had a hypothetical discussion about arrangements if we split up. We don't even need to talk about how hard and horrid either of us would find it being the NRP.

To have this chat, and then post about your hypothetical decision on the relationships board of a forum where people are going through this shit for real is fucking self aggrandising and attention seeking.

You, OP, are a muppet.

Boshankles · 03/08/2011 22:28

I think it's worth being aware of what both of your situations would be if you did split, as I don't think most people have a clue.

notlettingthefearshow · 03/08/2011 22:29

I'm amazed how objective you can both be. It would make me upset discussing splitting up with my husband and family.

However, it is always at the back of my mind that I may be alone again either through divorce or death (you never know) and that is one reason why I work hard at my career and I'm proud to earn the same as my husband. So if you can get something positive out of the discussion, it is worthwhile.

I agree though with other posters that it is very unlikely things would be this clear cut in real life. You may well reflect on that conversation and laugh bitterly.

GypsyMoth · 03/08/2011 22:29

does your DH know you've posted this op?