How long would you put up with dh sex and intimacy problems?

[gemitygem]

Am just wondering, obvioulsy not something I can discuss with many people so a post on here is just what I need!

Dh has had a erection problem since we have been together for 7 years. I have put up with the problem and taken it on as my own too. We have had 4 children remarkably together in the 7 years, the last two very difficult to conceive due to the problem.

We have only had sex probably around 20 times in the 7 years, but have had lots of foreplay and been intimate ect. I have said enough is enough now and we are going to see a sex therapist. This has been difficult for me as I am suffering with blaming myself for the problem, but I have recently felt much better as told dh if it is not better this time next year I want to split up.

The sex therapist gives us tasks and we had our first task given last week. Dh wanted to wait till the weekend to do it, so ok far enough. Come Saturday no mention of the doing the task came from dh and I had to remind him that I was going to be leaving him if things did not change, so we did it and it went well.

Dh has promised me that he is going to take me away somewhere for a weekend to do our next task, things like this have been promised before and as dh gets scared of what might be involved in going away together he avoids talking about it and doesn't take me.

I am now preparing that I may have to face life as a single mum and somehow feel rather impowered by this that I will do it on my own.

How long would you put up with this sort of behavour from dh?

He doesn't wash, and makes himself stink as a way to avoid sex with his wife ?

And people are thinking all the OP has to do is try a bit harder with him ? He has it tough, oh dear, it's not his fault . It may not be his fault, but it is within his power to change things, not the OP's. It sounds like she has done more than many of us would ever have attempted

If my husband behaved like this, he would have had an ultimatum a long time ago, and I would certainly have followed through. It's not a "threat" when you fully intend to follow a certain course of action, is it ?

OP's H knows exactly where he stands. Much better, I feel, than stringing someone along for years, with no intention of sorting out your issues.

Re the not washing thing... God that would get my goat.

If I were you, I'd institute a 'we both take showers before bed' rule, or - if it needs to be clearer - a 'you're not getting into bed with me unless you wash first' rule. It's not necessarily about sex - why should you have to lay next to a stinker anyway?

I think it's one thing to marry someone, for issues to develop down the line and to then become so frustrated with those issues that you feel an ultimatum is required.

But op knew these issues were present before she married her dh, and yet she married him believing that he would change. It's the typical "I can change him" type senario, isn't it? And when he didn't change to her specifications she decided to start issuing ultimatums.

The man hasn't actually done anything wrong. He was like this before the op married him. I wonder, did she marry him on condition that he would change? or did she accept him the way he was an only become frustrated later on?

The op knew what she was getting into from the outset - this situation hasn't been thrust upon her. She knowingly married a man with erectile disfunction. Saying she thought he would change isn't good enough - there are no guarantees.

The best thing to do would be to let this poor man go to find someone who will accept him for the person he is rather than continue to issue threats and ultimatums because he is not the person you wanted him to become when you married him.

Wannabe - the OP is trying to get him to change. You can't really believe he'd be happier if she threw in the towel now without giving him a chance. And he'd have to work really hard to find someone else who'd both love him (and who he'd love) and accept this as part of her life.

OP,

I am wondering what your motivation was in marrying him. You talk about him making you feel like "the most special girl in the world" and, more strangely "promising you the world". What world was he promising you? Was a life together not enough?

larrygrylls - the OP has stated and

He did promise that he would sort it. What if he had been unemployed when they met, and promised that he would get a job in time, and didn't for the next 7 years? Would that be ok, because they had a life together? He has failed to keep his promise.

larry, do you believe that marriages are for life, no matter what ?

that we never have the option to change our mind and say "this isn't working for me" and leave the marriage ?

gemitygem, forget about the sex side of things for a bit. I am not sure it's the main issue here.
It seems to me that the issue is whether he has or hasn't made a real effort to solve a specific problem during the 7 years you have been together. Is he still trying or he is just going for counselling to keep you happy and be able to say 'Look I told you. I can't do any better than that.'
It's about whteher he has and will always put his head in the sand or if he is actually willing to tackle it.

Depending on the answer to these questions, then you will be able to take a wise deicsion.
Have you consider counselling for yourself? It could help you clarify your thoughts and take a decision from there

AF,

No, I don't believe that but I do believe that a commitment to someone has some value and cannot be tossed away lightly. There are times when two people are making one another so miserable, and there is no chance of it ever changing, that for everyone's sake (including any children) things should come to an end. I do think that bar should be set quite high, though.

The point I am interested in here is why did the OP marry her husband. She must have had some real motivation. What she has stated (see her post and what I have quoted from it) sounds so "Mills and Boon" that she was never going to be happy, regardless of the physical side of the relationship.

what is one person is making the other miserable ?

can he/she change her mind in that circumstance ?

or does she/he have to be unhappy with the situation too ?

larry, she loved him, hoped things would get better

the Relationships board is full to the brim of women, and men, in that situation

I also don't believe marriage should be taken lightly, but that means to me that if my partner was not making an effort equal to my own, I would leave it

what if not what is

I don't believe in romantic love conquering all either, FWIW

Romantic idealism causes much unhappiness in my eyes

AF,

Marriage should not be a life sentence of misery for either party. However, that does not mean that both parties should not be willing to undergo rough periods where feelings may fluctuate and there may be little or any pleasure in it. It is all a question of degree.

The Relationship board seems to be a complete mixture to me; everything between people suffering physical and mental abuse and needy people whining as soon as the red rose and romance period comes to an end.

Did she love him or a lifestyle and the experiences he could provide her with? Reading her post about "promising her the world" it strikes me awfully like the latter. Without her input, we will never know.

That is true

And most crucially, tbqh, without his input we "know" even less

He hasn't asked for support though (here), she has

I suspect she was just simplifying - for the sake of discussion - how she felt in the beginning. As her way of saying how much she loved him. I certainly didn't pick up on it being something worth really thinking about when I read it.

but what if he'd gone to therapy and the issue still couldn't be resolved? What then?

It's easy to lay the blame at the dh's door at this point on the basis that he made a promise and never kept it. But in truth this isn't about the promise, is it? it's about the lack of sex and intimacy, and the op knew from the beginning that there was an issue with intimacy, and she must have known that there were no guarantees.

And in truth the op isn't saying that the dh has to go through the therapy in order to save his marriage, she's saying that he needs to be cured or their marriage is over.

I think that even if the dh goes through the therapy and the issue can't be resolved (and not all erectile issues can be resolved) the op will still end the marriage even if the dh has then stuck to his "promise".

If someone isn't happy in a marriage then no, of course they shouldn't stay. But I think the op owes it to herself and her dh to just admit that she doesn't actually want to be married to him any more, rather than keep going on about broken promises and making threats.

You see, I'm working on the assumption that the OP sees a lack of effort in resolving, rather than the actual issue. But on re-reading, I can see that there has been some effort, and still the OP is deliberating whether it's worth carrying on.

Either way - nobody should stay in a marriage that makes them unhappy.

I don't think anything here is as black and white as all that - I don't think we can conclude that the marriage is definitely over and that the OP should just admit this. My reading of this is that the OP is at breaking point: at the point in things where things either have to change or that's it. Speaking as someone whose marriage hit an extremely bad patch 7 years ago, I'm still here to say that it is possible to get everything back... even when it really and truly feels like it's over and that all love is lost (from one side). The OP is speaking here with honesty and desperation - which are, to me, perfectly understandable.

I married my husband as I found him irrestable, handsome, made me laugh, sexy, caring, dependable, comitted, stable. I fancied the hell out of him, he was the best company one could wish for, he turned me on and kept me warm at night.

I got pregnant and he asked me to marry him as we wanted to be in a marraige for our baby. I truly beleived I had found the one. We were so excited for our life together and we both dreamt of a big family together.

With the promise our sex life can only get better rightly or wrongly I belived I had found the right man.

I did not ask him to change before I married him we realised together that WE have a problem with errectile dysfunction and all the way through I have completly and utterly taken this problem on as my own as a joint problem.

Maybe we married too soon but at the time we both wanted to.

Wannabe, in actual fact no promises were ever made, we both beleived it would get better not much was said about it.

This 'poor man' doesn't want to go, he wants the same as what I want to be together. The pure fact of the matter is that I have tried harder than he has and I have relised in time that none of us in our family will benefit from a marraige that is not happy.

It is a very complex issue that goes far deeper than sex, it effects all areas of our marraige.

In actual fact I think the reasons for me marrying my husband are irrelvant.

The fact of the matter is I am in a relationship I am unhappy in. My partner has the power to change that, he proved on sat night when he did the task, I can do no more, I have tried they no pressure, softly softly approach and it is not a threat I am unhappy and am giving it time to reslove thats all, if not then it is better for both of us to move on.

Dh has never had a successful sex life with anyone, I was his first proper girlfriend and he was 37 when we met.

I am quite prepared 'let this poor man go', but not until I have tried one last attempt to make my marrage last.

Anyway guys, I am going to leave this thread now, its been nice to be able to share my problem with others, thanks for that.

Who ever knows for sure that they are doing the right thing marrying someone. I can tell you one thing for sure, me and dh did do the right thing marrying we have given each other so much, including 4 children that we would rather die than not do right by them.

I still feel the same way, I cannot stay in a marrage with no intimacy, dh along with my ongoing bucket loads of support has the power to change this and I really hope he does, without any threats of splitting up again. Although not really a threat than a reality that we may be happier apart, but I really hope this is not the case and will do everything in my power not to.

AF -- 'I agree with sgb, it sounds like OP is at the end of her tether with a bloke who just doesn't seem to care enough to put proper, sustained effort into putting things right. He is quite happy, thank you very much, and is forcing OP to put up with an inadequate sex life'

This is the heart of the problem. Now she has finally asserted herself and asked him to fish or cut bait, standing up for her rights in this relationship instead of having a like it or lump it situation dictated to her, and has decided lumping it might not be such a bad option, and she gets all sorts of accusations from the Poor Menz brigade and their camp followers...

I married a man who turned out to be at least bisexual and probably out and out gay. We had 5 DCs before we divorced, and a sex life that was really horrible. Why 5 DCs? Because they made him look straight? Because I was the eternal optimist (before I discovered the gay porn and the m2m hookup sites). Because exH may have thought that with 5 children I wouldn't be able to manage on my own?

The OP's H jointly made the decision to have the 4 children, knowing in his heart that his wife was not happy about the situation and yet refusing to try to make it better -- does he kid himself that having 4 children under 7 ties her to him more than having 2 DCs would? Has he calculated that she is more likely to accept what he is in effect dictating to her wrt her life if she is tied down by the children?

To those of you who say get a vibrator, this is obviously not just about sex. It is about the incredible frustration of having to lead someone by the nose to do what most other people seem to not be able to stop themselves from doing. It is about wondering what exactly you, as a woman, are there for in that relationship. It is the question in your head that maybe if you were more attractive you wouldn't have to make such an effort just to have what most other adults take for granted -- a sex life with your own spouse (fgs). It is the idea that your H must think you are not special enough to warrant the effort. It is soul destroying.

Larry, when are you going to learn that telling women on the Relationships board that their H is likely to sue for custody of the children upon divorce is a filthy and below the belt method of intimidating women?

You have obviously never been the victim of DV meted out by a man before, but you need to know that threatening to take the children upon divorce is what abusive scum do to their partners, and to repeat that line is reprehensible.