How long would you put up with dh sex and intimacy problems?

[gemitygem]

Am just wondering, obvioulsy not something I can discuss with many people so a post on here is just what I need!

Dh has had a erection problem since we have been together for 7 years. I have put up with the problem and taken it on as my own too. We have had 4 children remarkably together in the 7 years, the last two very difficult to conceive due to the problem.

We have only had sex probably around 20 times in the 7 years, but have had lots of foreplay and been intimate ect. I have said enough is enough now and we are going to see a sex therapist. This has been difficult for me as I am suffering with blaming myself for the problem, but I have recently felt much better as told dh if it is not better this time next year I want to split up.

The sex therapist gives us tasks and we had our first task given last week. Dh wanted to wait till the weekend to do it, so ok far enough. Come Saturday no mention of the doing the task came from dh and I had to remind him that I was going to be leaving him if things did not change, so we did it and it went well.

Dh has promised me that he is going to take me away somewhere for a weekend to do our next task, things like this have been promised before and as dh gets scared of what might be involved in going away together he avoids talking about it and doesn't take me.

I am now preparing that I may have to face life as a single mum and somehow feel rather impowered by this that I will do it on my own.

How long would you put up with this sort of behavour from dh?

and the love thing doesn't some across to me

Larrygrylls speaks absolute sense

pinky, I meant give him a chance to get proper, sustained help with this

so at least she is reassured to think he values her enough to go through with it...even if it is ultimately not successful

instead of what he has done before...which appears to be talk but no action and dismissing the fact that there is a problem at all (and she should just put up with it)

I think the four children might give the lie to your claim that he can't function sexually, cucumber sandwiches

I don't think anyone is saying this is a satisfactory situation for the OP. But some of us are wondering why the threats and ultimatums when they are in therapy and the first task 'went well'. It seems somewhat counterproductive.

Yes but if after the first successful session she is planning on being a single parent the whole thing just smacks of torturing someone - her heart is not in it and the op speaks about him without fondness.

So he does value their relationship because he is doing something - this is such a deep problem for a man and I would see why he would try to avoid doing anything about it until the last ditch... I am not saying that is right but it is understandable

This cannot be successful if one partner is using this therapy as making sure their exit strategy is justified - she says they are intimate and sexual with one another, just that she wants penetrative sex and he has erection problems... she just sounds fucking harsh

if you have to push someone to take every little step to sort out their own problems, then I would start feeling harsh too

I agree though, it doesn't sound like her heart is in it

which is why I can see why she wants to give him another chance, but actually if I had been asked should she, I would have said no

I think he's had enough chances and if they are not compatible sexually, she perhaps made the mistake of staying too long (and having 4 dc with him)

now it's a horribly entangled mess (with dc, who presumably love their father madly), when both of them could possibly have been happier with someone else

I think you really have to complete the course of therapy that you have both embarked on before making a decision. You never know, it might work. However, it does look like he isn't put enough effort into it.

Only you can decide how much penatrative sex means to you and whether it is worth walking away from your marriage if the therapy doesn't work.

Yes and threatening a man with losing his family is hardly going to make him want to fuck you is it?

Agreed a horrible mess and the poor DC - perhaps she (as the person who could not live with this situation) should have thought about that before have 4 children with someone..... just a thought

AF,

Sexual dysfunction (if psychological) is not his own problem purely. It is a problem within a relationship, no different from vaginismus in a woman. Apportioning blame is completely counterproductive. None of us know what the OP or her husband are like in bed on a physical or emotional/psychological level so laying the blame purely at one party's door is ridiculous.

Also, she did not marry a super virile guy and discover, to her shock, a year later that he had problems. She married a guy with a problem and had children with him. Now she wants out. Well fair enough, I think he deserves a chance to find someone who loves him for who he is, not what his willy does or does not do. Poor kids, though.

my god pinky I don't think you really understand the situation here. HE has erectile dysfunction but I am the one who has beaten myself up up over this. I am the one who is going through psycological hell, I ask you again, have you ever been in the situation I have been in?? I can't sleep at night worrying about it while dh sleeps soundly I have been at the stage where I am physically almost pulling my hair out with the situation, dh goes sulky, inward and cross.

I married him as I love him, he made me feel like the most special girl in the world when we first got together, with the promise that the sex will get better in time, this is when I was pregnant with a unplanned pregnancy and he promised me the world and I love him to bits. Feeling like the most special girl in the world can only last a certain amount of time in a marraige with out a healthy sex life.

I cannot fix him and the only way he does anything to change it seems is when our relationship is on the line.

I am giving not HIM but our RELATIONSHIP one more year to sort out and I am putting in everything I possibly can and I love him but there has to be timeline on somethings as it is effecting my own health which then effects the childrens. He works away so I am looking after the children on my own, they need ME to be healthy in everyway.

my point exactly, larry, but not so helpful either to speculate as to why she had children with him

they are here, they exist and I expect Op does not regret having them

FWIW, I would say a person of any gender who has sexual dysfunction should take responsibility for seeking proper, sustained help (not just yap about it) if the relationship surviving is dependent on it

the impression I get is that OP feels she has tried hard enough to do her bit, and is frustrated at his lack of effort

I agree though, they should complete the course or why bother trying

if OP already feels like giving up, then she is falling into the same trap as him and not following though either or the relationship is dead and they should both move on

x-posted with OP

that looks like I was talking over you, love, not my intention at all

Also bear in mind that what triggered GG's original frustrated post was that the therapist had set the couple some homework and the man was basically avoiding doing it. So once again demonstrating that he's not bothered, that he's not interested in changing, and he's going to do the bare minimum to make the OP shut up. No wonder she's fed up and angry.

People (male or female) with 4 children are allowed to leave an unhappy marriage. Divorced/separated people can still co-parent and often the children, once they are out of an unhappy environment are often happier.

I think you are doing the right thing by setting a limit on how long this situation can continue. Give the therapy a chance as it may well work.

I don't think you can say that the husband is not bothered and not interested in changing. Perhaps he is very bothered, but is also scared of trying for fear of failing. Sometimes, things seem insurmountable, and if he is also being threatened in an 'or else' kind of way, it's hardly going to fill him with confidence.

I've seen a few threads on here that suggest a time limit for sorting a problem out, suggesting therapy etc.

Why is this not valid because the problem is sexual?

OP your frustration shines through here. I don't blame you for being upset. He doesn't seem to want to change. The issue isn't the erectile dysfunction per se, it's broken promises, talk but no action etc etc

I think you're doing the right thing. I really hope it works out for you.

OP, I have been in a similar situation, and I do sympathise

Mine was a long, long time ago. We didn't have children together, nor were married, although did live together. He had been my best friend though before we got together, and we had a long standing friendship so there was a strong emotional tie there.

Like you, I had to make ultimatums to get him to go to therapy. Two different therapists in the end. And then, like your DH, he was not pro-actively or willingly doing the exercises. It is not fun to have to nag ask someone for the umpteenth time can they come and be sexually active with you please because it's your 'homework'.

My ex may have had the sexual dysfunction, but he was not psychologically ready to deal with it at that time. It was caused by a lot of deep, very troubled history. It was his issue - I absolutely refute larryg's suggestion that it is always both partners to blame. My ex's dysfunction had been worse with his several partners before me. Ultimately it was his issue, not ours. But I was the one carrying the emotional burden of responsibility for it because I was the one actively seeking to sort it out and stressing about it. He was in denial.

I would have supported - damn, I did support him for years - in sorting this out to a happy ending , but the fact is that he wasn't working towards that. He wasn't ready.

And while I was sympathetic and empathetic and certainly had issues of my own, it was an issue that was adversely affecting me. I didn't want an adult relationship like that. I couldn't change him - but I had the power to change my situation.

We broke up. Not just because of his sexual dysfunction - it was much more complicated than that. I met DH. DH reaped the benefits of having a partner who had been sexually frustrated for some time

Fautygoods, I know dh is bothered and interested in changing, its just that he does not do it, undoubtly because he is scared. This is the first time in 7 years that I have threatened in an 'or else' kind of way, and I hate it and I realise that it is not a healthy way to have a marraige it does not make me happy. Look at it from my point of view, if I am not strong I could think of it as I am bribing someone to have sex with me. THIS IS WHAT IT TOOK THOUGH to do the task that was set, he even told the therapist in the session that HE would be in charge of doing the task and he would diary it. He has not writen anything down, I have though.

If I leave it to him nothing happens, he does not wash sometimes unless I tell him he smells. I have even attemted intercourse with him when he smells like hell, just because I know he wont do it if he has to be bothered to have a bath.

If I put no pressure on nothing is done, he is quite happy to go without, THIS is why it is making me feel like shit because I HAVE TO PUT PRESSURE ON TO MAKE MY HUSBAND HAVE SEX WITH ME and its wearing me and my pride and confidence down, erectile problem or not.

I wouldn't have lasted five minutes. I'll put that out there.

That said, you have, OP. My feeling is that you're feeling rejected by his apparent lack of willingness to be proactive/enthusiastic etc about changing. That's understandable. And I know how much you'll scoff when I say this, because it's nowhere near your situation, but it's worth mentioning that men are a bit funny about these things... If, during sex, by partner even thinks he's going to have difficulty performing (because he's tired, etc) then he will lose his erection and there's no getting it back because he'll just think the same thing again if it gets erect again. This has happened a handful of times for us over the years, and yes it's frustrating (for both of us).

Your partner clearly has much bigger issues. Remember this: he's a man, and it's very hard for a man to feel sexually inadequate (even if it's true).

Take the baby steps he's making. Your first task went well. Praise him for it, and when it comes to the next task (and the promise to take him away) remind him that you've made it this far and that it's working. Tell him that you love him, tell him how good he made you feel last time... and don't pile on the pressure in a negative way unless you really have to. You've come this far - remember that progress is now being made. and you have to take the lead on this, because clearly he's not able to put the emotional willpower into it on his own. Help him, and try to remember that your frustrations are both perfectly understandable and potentially unhelpful in the circumstances.

That's my tuppence.

And by the way pinky, I do not want my husband or anyone else to 'fuck' me, I want the intimacy without pressure that every woman and man deserves, I hope you are not really a shrink like your name suggests. I have been trying for this for years.

Sometimes you wonder if a bit on the side may just be the right solution.....

Hi gemitygem, I'm not criticising you at all so apologies if you feel that is the case. I'm just trying to point out that it may not be as cut and dried as some people are saying, eg he can't be bothered, he's not interested.

I appreciate that it must be incredibly difficult for you and it makes you feel rejected and unloved. There is obviously much more going on with him then just sexual dysfunction though. Not washing isn't acceptable. Is he comfortable talking to you about how he feels? Or is it awkward in your therapy sessions. I'm just wondering if he needs more than just sex therapy.

OK the not washing suggests that there could be depression issues there. Still, there does come a point when it;s perfectly reasonable to be sick to death of being patient, kind, understanding and empathetic when the other person is making no effort.

Not slating you - I am in a very similar situation but my DH refuses to see a doctor or counsellor & blames me for his sexual problems (my weight, personality etc etc) so that's why I think he deserves a break for at least trying to get help. It is awful not to be wanted I know. I just wish my DH would try like yours!