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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

noticed a message on dp's phone (twitter dm)

16 replies

Coffeeisking · 30/07/2011 19:52

Ok, ill start from the beginning, Me and dp used to follow each other on twitter until a few weeks ago because he got into an arguement with someone on there.

He unfollowed me and some other friends so this other guy wouldnt target us, (he was a complete fruitloop)

Anyway, i have still been looking at his twitter now and then a few weeks back i noticed he had followed a girl who used to to have a huge crush on him years ago. she caused alot of problems in our early relationship.

At first i didnt worry hugely as she hadnt been on there in nearly a year.

Fast forward to today, and she has been on there and followed him back. it freaked me out so have been checking his twitter all day. just now i had a lucky chance to see his phone and there was a message between the 2 on his screen, not sure if he knew i saw it. so i looked at both there twitters and there is nothing, so it must be a DM.

There has been no word from him telling me hes talking to her so hes doing it behind my back.

Do i say something now

OP posts:

Original poster

Coffeeisking · 30/07/2011 19:53

Or do i sit on what i know and wait to see what happens?

OP posts:

G1nger · 30/07/2011 20:08

What did it say?

TidyDancer · 30/07/2011 20:09

Do you have reason to believe that something might be up now, or is it the history alone?

Original poster

Coffeeisking · 30/07/2011 20:24

We havent heard from her in a couple of years, (i hope)

From what i saw it was a 'hi how are you?' type message, so its just initial contact. but its something he has started and is hiding. i managed to not say anything when i noticed he followed her, it was hard though.

OP posts:

whatatip · 30/07/2011 20:40

I'm afraid I can only say what I would do with my partner. I would not say anything directly initially, I would try to relax about it and then in time somehow steer a conversation or two round to topics that would jog his memory. This would help you decide whether he really is keeping it from you or whether he just hasn't mentioned it because it seemed too trivial.

Then after that I would come out and ask him directly, if he didn't volunteer the information beforehand.

TidyDancer · 30/07/2011 20:48

Could it be possible he just hasn't said anything yet, rather than is actively hiding it? I have conversations with people all the time and don't tell DP about them. Then days or weeks later, I'll mention it. I have a terrible memory. It means absolutely fuck all that I haven't told him, aside from the fact that I have a terrible memory.

How would he take it if you told him you'd read the message? If he's not likely to shit bricks, I would ask him about it. Just be casual and mention that you saw it. See what kind of reaction and words it prompts from him.

On the surface, I don't think this is anything much to worry about. I speak to exes, as does DP. The verdict on this one though, is in his reaction to you bringing up the subject, or snooping further, the latter of which I wouldn't recommend.

Original poster

Coffeeisking · 30/07/2011 21:03

Hes knows i dont like her, i dont think i will say anything, but will keep an eye on things.

if it was me private messaging a man especially someone who there was a history with, it would be a different story, but anyhow, i think ill just sit on it. i don't mind him talking to girl, just this one seriously pisses me off.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 30/07/2011 21:06

What were the problems she caused in your relationship?

Original poster

Coffeeisking · 30/07/2011 22:30

She used to text him a lot, kept telling him she loved him. he would never tell her to get lost because she was young (she was 16, i was 18, he was 25.) and she was anorexic. i understood his logic but it still caused arguments. even a couple of years ago she phoned him late at night because she needed to go to hospital as she had been beaten up at a party. im certain there could have been others that could have taken her.

its old news and as far as im aware there has been no contact since dp took her to hospital.

i will add he was never in a relationship with her, so she's not an ex. i just never trusted her infatuation of him.

OP posts:

Marshmallowflump · 31/07/2011 10:20

Sounds like she is not over him , you need to clear the air and ask him what is going on, else it will just eat away at you and you will be resentful towards him, honestly dont let if fester, better out in the open, all the best.

SingOut · 31/07/2011 11:17

I'd agree with keeping things above board and just ask him in a light and breezy way, mention what you saw and just comment on it. Any covering up of knowledge on your part is just helping them to collude and create a cosy club of two. Even if it is all being driven by her.
So just keep things in the real world and don't let it fester, mention it openly and be alert to his responses; if any of them give you cause for concern, tell him right away. I'd play the tone something along the lines of 'She's not STILL hung upon you, is she? Blimey, I'd have thought she'd gotten over it by now, it's been blah amount of time. What gives, what does she want this time? Don't lead the poor mite on..' etc etc.

Original poster

Coffeeisking · 31/07/2011 18:45

So, i asked him. asked why they are following each other? he replied that hes been following her for ages.

i said i knew that and that i know she only followed him back yesterday. he said she hadnt been on there for 289 days (very precise!!) and she only came back on yesterday. told him again i know how long its been since he followed her.

he ask me why im going on there all the time and said i was being paranoid! then i asked him if hes been messaging her on there since yesterday and i got an unconvincing mumble of a no. nothing else was said and i walked away.

make of that what you will, im certainly unconvinced! somethings not right.

OP posts:

G1nger · 31/07/2011 20:29

289 days? He's not good at this, is he? How's your relationship otherwise? Do you think he'd be tempted to stray?

MrsHicks · 31/07/2011 20:44

I somehow doubt that he counted the 289 days. Possibly he has a different twitter client that says something like 'last posted 289 days ago'. Various sites say things like that. I have to say I'd be a bit unimpressed at my partner getting this suspicious about all of this. She was infatuated (like a 16 year old girl) with him years and years ago. You've not said anything to suggest he's interested in her or that there's any reason not to trust him. The problems she caused sound more like irritations. I certainly don't tell my partner every time I send a private email, facebook message or anything else.

Original poster

Coffeeisking · 31/07/2011 21:27

It does tell you when the last tweet was posted, on my phone it said her last tweet was 8 months ago, maybe its different on an iphone.

Our relationship isn't perfect, we're both insecure, him more than me. if this was the other way round he would go loopy and make me remove them.

i am normally less bothered, he has other girls on there and im unfussed about them. i just have issues with this girl and he knows it. i would be doing what i can to reassure him if it was me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Coffeeisking · 31/07/2011 21:32

Mrshicks having another girl tell your partner she loves him, is more than an irritant. Even if it was a long time ago.

OP posts:

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