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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just need to get throught tonight

55 replies

lookingfoxy · 29/07/2011 23:46

Sorry another self indulgent thread.

Totally bereft at end of relationship of 6 years. Me that ended it finally, but asked him back and he said no, too much had happened.

He's having a night out tonight, i've always been a bit insecure and feel so anxious, Its a works night out so not much chance of anything happening (I know this), I know its going to happen sometime, I just feel so shit tonight and need encouragement not to text/call to ask him back (again)!!

He has many many bad points, right now Im thinking none of this matters, which I know is total rubbish, as long as we can be together.

Did anyone else have these feelings of complete, god I can't find a word, patheticness!!

Or is it just me, please tell me i'll get by this point, im posting here instead of contacting him.

OP posts:
clam · 29/07/2011 23:52

Come on then. List his bad points. Remind yourself why you ended it.

Bogeyface · 29/07/2011 23:54

Is it him you are missing, or just having someone, anyone?

When I ended my first marriage, which was a disaster by anyones standards, I felt like this. But I came to realise that I wasnt missing my husband, I was missing having a partner there. Each time I saw him after the split when he came to get the kids he would do or say something that reminded me why I had left him!

Focus on why you ended it. Those reasons havent disappeared, you just have your rose tinted specs on that are making you forget them. Think of all the times he made you unhappy, all the times you wished that you werent with him anymore and how you have given your old self that gift.

Take care

xxx

kayah · 29/07/2011 23:56

love that word patheticness :)

it is a very good descriptive word of times when we end up relationship and wonder what else did we do before we weren't singls

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 29/07/2011 23:59

I know I have rose tinted specs on, I feel so lonely that I would put up with anything right now, and of course i'm focussing on the good bits.

Its like a ball of nerves in my stomach, its horrible, I feel so low right now that I would put up with anything to have him back (which in reality I wouldn't/couldn't).

He's on a night out though, so I think thats making me feel worse.

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 30/07/2011 00:00

step away from the phone. it is friday night, it is late, it is not a time for decision making.....

Steeplearningcurve · 30/07/2011 00:03

Don't do anything you will regret. Just ended my relationship with dd's father and I know it is hard not to want to get in touch.

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 30/07/2011 00:07

Thank you, every message is keeping me away from contacting him, i've never felt so fucking pathetic.

I'm normally a strong willed independent woman, who's wholly capable of looking after herself. I was alone for 2 years with no problem before I met him (despite offers).

There were so many good points, but then there were so many bad things.

OP posts:
nadia77 · 30/07/2011 00:08

why cant you have a night out maybe you should do things you did before you were in this relationship, it is so true you are just missing the company of him why not find this comfort with your friends.

clam · 30/07/2011 00:09

OK, well how about visualising your perfect man for next time. Write it down - in detail as if you had already found him.
Be very specific, otherwise how will you know when you've found him. So, for instance, "I am in a close, loving relationship with ---. He is tall, with dark wavy hair and blue eyes that crinkle at the edges when he laughs. He laughs often. He has a kind nature and many friends, all of whom love him for his ........ whatever. He has a career in ......... and has a house of his own in ....... He treats me well and texts me often during the day just because. His hobbies are ....... and we do ....... together."

You get the idea. But don't leave anything out!! If fidelity is paramount for you, put it down. If reliability is important, mention it.
if nothing else, it might make you see how little this guy fits the bill.

But please don't phone him!!

bluejelly · 30/07/2011 00:13

List all his bad points. Print out and put it by your phone. Force yourself to read before contacting him. You won't want to :-)

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 30/07/2011 00:16

I won't contact him.
I did last week or 2 ago and he said too much had happened between us.
I ended it.
Now I really fucking regret it.
He's not a bad person, circumstances have been shit, if i'd rode it out for the next couple of years then I could say word for word about him what clam has just said.
But then, the past few years have been so shit directly because of his impassiveness (being stoned)

OP posts:
Steeplearningcurve · 30/07/2011 00:16

My ex doesn't care about dd, drinks too much and is horrible to me, yet I still find myself looking for ways to make it work, so I know how you feel. Just remember he will still be there tomorrow for you to say anything to if you want to, chances are you won't want to in the light of day!

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 30/07/2011 00:20

Thanks for that SLC, why do we want to make it work so much, fucking ridiculous!!
Ds hasn't even mentioned him for 2 days!

OP posts:
Steeplearningcurve · 30/07/2011 00:22

DD is only 12wo so doesn't even know him but I still pretend it's for her good that i chase him Sad

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 30/07/2011 00:40

Aw SLC, I was single until ds was 10/11 months old, I really treasured that time that was just me and him, it was the most peaceful and content period of both our lifes.

OP posts:
Steeplearningcurve · 30/07/2011 00:41

Thank you. I do have feeling that in some ways it is easier on my own

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 30/07/2011 00:49

It really was easier for me at that stage, you just have the baby to concentrate on (which is enough for anyone), but its hard as well in other ways feeling that you could share it with someone (but in reality its just more hassle).
Good luck xx

OP posts:
lifechanger · 30/07/2011 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PhilipJFry · 30/07/2011 09:40

Lookingfoxy, I think it's normal to go through a what-have-I-done stage after leaving a relationship. After many of my break-ups, including long-term relationships, I've had awful moments of doubt and fear where suddenly all of the problems and faults seemed so much less important and all that seemed to matter was being with them. The break up would seem like a massive mistake and I would feel like a fool for expecting too much and think about how I should have compromised more and so on and so forth. But that was bullshit, because there were better things and people out there, and it was worth the fear and uncertainty to reach the better places ahead. At the time however, I'd feel like I'd made the most massive mistake.

It's a stage and it won't last forever and you have done the right thing, and you sound like you've been building up to it for a long time. Well done on having the courage to take that final step: you deserve more than a massive stoner to share you're life with.

MAPAM · 30/07/2011 10:03

Dear loookingfoxy please dont view your posting as self indulgent. If yours is then everyones is and really yours, mine and others are (I think) about reaching out to others to ask for their advice, experience and support when we are going through difficult times.
I would also class myself as a stong independant women ( lived alone for 5 years before meeting PS3Man (long story) BUT that doesnt mean we dont have feeling, emotions or insecurities. I arrived here late one thursday night a couple of weeks ago - a wreck who felt I could not live through the night to the next day.. BUT with RL support and crucially for me support from the Mnetters on here I would not have gone back to work, looked after the kids and be packing for a holiday xxxx
I ,like you, also asked PS3Man to leave after 11 years and three Dcs but if 2 seconds later I could have gobbled back the words I would have done. BUT as was pointed out to me on here it must have been bad for me to get to that point and REALLY I was upset for the man he had been not the one he was now , cos that man left a long time ago ( I hope that makes sense) My thread where I asked for help is called Could you please help me to get through the next few days ? - if you read some of the advice on there from others who have come out the other side it might help you along side the wonderful support you have already had from the posters on here - oh also Drfays about ending a 24 year marriage has lots of advice and support contained with in it. I have only just stopped being the kleenex queen but I have been helped so much by everyone on here if I can share some of there help and wise words with you I am happy to do soxxxxxxxx This forum ( IMO) really is a good place to be xxxx

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 30/07/2011 11:25

Thank you all for the support.

I have been following your thread MAPAM but felt unable to offer any useful advice as I am such a mess myself just now!

I didn't contact him thank goodness.

So this is a stage that will pass? PhillilpJFry - yes things had been shit for years, there is no way I could have went back to the way things were or even continued without loosing my sanity!

It just seems to be taking so long to get through this phase and for the intense feelings of hurt to dampen down a bit.

Anyway, thanks again, if I hadn't posted on here last night, I would have definetly contacted him, humiliating myself again!!

OP posts:
MAPAM · 01/08/2011 22:41

Hi Looking foxy - how are things ? Just wondered how you had gone on over the last few days ??x

evako · 01/08/2011 23:34

how do you do it? how not to beg him to change his mind even though i know that divorse is the best we can do? i feel so sorry for DD,she loves him to bits, but than again she's used in not seeing him for long periods of time.
how not to humiliate myself?how to let him go?

evako · 01/08/2011 23:37

and how not to cry in front of DD?

Original poster
lookingfoxy · 01/08/2011 23:49

MAPAM - thanks for coming back, physically having to stop myself from contacting him, still really hard, he 'popped up' again yesterday very briefly, house was busy so no chance to talk or anything (maybe just as well), he either looked very down or it was another pitying look for me!

Didn't sleep very well, anxiety levels are rising again, however docs on thurs, so she will prob up my dose of AD's.

Im still not much further forward tbh!

EVAKO - I have no idea how to help, its hell on earth isn't it xx

OP posts:
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