really didnt think he would but H has been cheating

[imawigglyworm]

found out today that H has been cheating on me for a few weeks/months. We have had lots of problems in our relationship lately him having a high sex drive where ive been the oppisite, not being helpful around the house/diy/ looking after kids -one being SN etc.

The other night we thought maybe a break would be a good idea as weve been going in circles to sort things. He came home today to see the kids and I had a quick nose on his phone (I know its wrong but something was pushing me to) anyway found texts to and from a male work mate saying things like I really miss your smile, cuddles and kisses etc and I love you, your my rock etc.
When I confronted him I he initaly said its a work mate being funny but then admitted it. He meets this slapper in mornings before work for sex and has been for a while now.

I feel sick at the thought of it, I hate him so much but hes adamant he wants to sort things out between us and for the kids too.

I dont see how I could trust him and I cant stop thinking of 'them'.

Is there ever a chance of getting round something like this? Just dont know what to do.

Right, so we've got women on this thread who clearly seem to think that they were in some way to blame for their H's infidelity - and want to pass on that blame to the OP, despite the posts by her friend who has seen at close quarters that the OP has been trying to solve the problems in her marriage one-handed.

You sound far removed from one of these 1950s throwbacks OP and you've managed to make a great friend in Coffee.

There are threads on here about infidelity from all sorts of women in all sorts of marriages - from the sexless to the highly sexual, threads started by dependent doormats and others, by highly assertive, independent women. The range of experiences, relationships and women on Mumsnet is huge.

There is however one common denominator in all these threads:

The posters were married to selfish, egotistical men who felt entitled to an adventure.

Unless that truism no longer applies, it wouldn't make an ounce of difference if you tended to a selfish man's every little need - he would still be unfaithful if he got the opportunity.

Even more so, having got away with it before.

Crestico - Just knew you would be a guy from your posts.

This husband regularly got his kicks then went off to work and came home to this family, the same one he has been deceiving. And your trying to justify this how..?!

OP sorry I still stand by my OP, the fact he has not stopped texting her?! Yes he is saying all this about wanting to work it out but do you think that if you had not found out he would be doing all this or would he still be seeing her before work? I think it is the latter.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

I dont know OW, H met her at work xmas party but she doesnt work with him. A few companies had their party at the same place.
cjel There is no 'reward' for his or my 'good behaviour' thats how I see a relationship that you both show love and affection -I was he wasnt, you both help to some extent around the house and with children -yes im a SAHM and he works full time which is why I dont and never have expected him to do all the house work but he wasnt even doing the odd bit of washing up, diy or anything.
I look after our 3 DS's the youngest has SN and is VERY demanding, I have never had a full nights sleep since he was born H never gets up at night to help. He I have done all decorating since our house move, what diy I can, gardening, etc while he doesnt help. Im so tired and always have headaches which drs say are stress related therefore am generally not in the mood for sex. Also being 'in the mood' doesnt come easily when you dont feel loved. So IMO theres no excuse, as others have said theyve worked through problems without either cheating.

Me going away without the kids isnt really an option as youngest DS will generally only be looked after by me. Also taking them away with me could be quite difficult as ds has SN equiptment he uses daily and I dont drive making it a bit harder. Maybe an idea for older 2 to stay with my parents for a day or 2. mini holiday for them and a bit of space to clear my head for me.

Im going to ask him to ring OW in a bit so he can finish it and I can hear that it has been done.
He is still adamant he wants to sort things out with us and he did actually break down a bit today seeming more genuine that he meant he was sorry, I think maybe he was in shock that he got found out -not that im feeling sorry for him! I was pretty glad to see him hurting too.
But I still dont know what I want, only time will tell I guess.

TBH I know he would be still seeing her if I didnt catch him out
Its things like that that make it harder.

He said he feels guilty for doing it, but obviously not guilty enough for him to stop. Or just guilty cause he got caught out!

I really admire how you are handling it, Wiggly. You sound extremely strong. He sounds as though he might have to do some soul searching now. As terrible as it is, he may just have pushed your marriage so close to the brink that he's shocked himself to his senses. I do hope so.

You just remember that whatever he does to end things with OW and whatever promises he makes to you, you don't have to take him back unless you really think it can work and then it needs to be on your terms. You haven't let him down, he betrayed you and it's up to him to reassure you, take care of you and change his behaviour. You know this anyway, I know.

Take care of yourself. It does seem that you have a lot on your plate, so take as much help as you are offered.

Yes, I admire you too OP, sounds like you work really hard all the time for your family.

But sadly it sounds like he does not. That, for me, is as almost as much of a problem as the affair. Not fair, when they're his kids too and one has sn.

Please do accept any help that's on offer from family and friends, and get your dh to help much more, right now, whatever you decide about the marriage and wherever he stays in the next few days.

He definitely needs a big kick up the arse.

wigggly. I really don't mean to imply that you have been wrong in any way. I completely get that you have been left to cope when you should have been supported, but I just got the impression that too many people jump on the leave him hes a bastard bandwagon. People do build great relationships after affairs, both have to be willing to go through pain and hard work for it to be acheived. Your OH doesn't appear to be putting in the effort. please don't think I am excusing the hurt he's causing you or the way you were treated. I get it fully.xxxx

wiggly It sounds like he really still needs to realise how much he has hurt you and how bad what he has done is.

He also sounds like a generally selfish man by not helping with anything, and very entitled. Entitled to sit on his arse while you run around after him and entitled to extramarital affairs as long as you don't find out, and entitled to spend the time that he's supposed to be at work fucking another woman. Is he someone you really want to be with? He's not a supportive partner or husband or father to your children at all.

If you do decide to give it another go everything has to change. He pretty much has to become a new man and be more active in the home and more open and less of a lazy and deceptive fucking arsehole.

I also think that if you were to forgive him next week he'll just go back to what he was doing. He sounds the type. It needs to be long term eye opener for him to realise the severity of it all. That doesn't mean punishing him as such (ok it does a bit) but it's about him having to completely experience having lost you all and everything you had before he will realise how stupid he was.

What if you had no income and your husband only gave you £5 a week for fun money

Speaks volumes. My dh doesn't give me money, we share it. We have equal access to it. Even though I am a sahm!

Are you a man, Crest?

Thank you lifeissweet and dozer We have been through some really tough times together (and I have before I met him) and managed to get through it thats why I cant believe hes done this.

He has admitted he had feelings for her but different to how he feels for me. I dont necessarily belive everything hes told me is the 100% truth yet and ive told him I will keep asking until hes told me or im satisfied it is the truth.

Hes said he will be more of a husband if and when im ready for him to be and hes told me about things he plans to do round the house in the next few days (decorating, etc) to start with, but I dont believe it until I see it TBH and he knows even if he does do it doesnt mean I will want to be with him still.

I just feel so numb today, like its all a horrible dream.

He tried phoning her last night to end it in front of me so I am abit more reassured but she didnt answer her phone. I dont want him to take the easy option and text her I want him to speak to her. It sounds silly but I want to hear how he talks to her then maybe I can judge for myself how much he cares for her etc or vise versa, even though it probably wouldnt be the same as i'd be there listening. I want to her if hes hurting but ending it with her cause if he does then she obviously meant a lot to him. If that makes any sense?
Hes been more than happy to leave his phone with me, he said he will do whatever it takes (could just be words I know).
Hes going to sort STI checks on monday for both of us, I just feel sick st the thought of it.

bless you. whatever they say or do it doesn't take away the hurt of what they've done does it? Take things slowly at your pace. enjoy if he does what he says and try not to torture yourself. the sadness seems unbearable at times but which ever way DH and you decide to go, do whatever you need to m ake youself have some sort of peace.xxx