really didnt think he would but H has been cheating

[imawigglyworm]

found out today that H has been cheating on me for a few weeks/months. We have had lots of problems in our relationship lately him having a high sex drive where ive been the oppisite, not being helpful around the house/diy/ looking after kids -one being SN etc.

The other night we thought maybe a break would be a good idea as weve been going in circles to sort things. He came home today to see the kids and I had a quick nose on his phone (I know its wrong but something was pushing me to) anyway found texts to and from a male work mate saying things like I really miss your smile, cuddles and kisses etc and I love you, your my rock etc.
When I confronted him I he initaly said its a work mate being funny but then admitted it. He meets this slapper in mornings before work for sex and has been for a while now.

I feel sick at the thought of it, I hate him so much but hes adamant he wants to sort things out between us and for the kids too.

I dont see how I could trust him and I cant stop thinking of 'them'.

Is there ever a chance of getting round something like this? Just dont know what to do.

some men can some men can't.
i think you're missing the point here.

i'm not saying either of them have done anything wrong.

i'm saying this is a complete breakdown in communications, NOT a sexual problem. She obviously doesn't want it, he obviously does. You cannot 'train' someone to make do - that's ridiculous.

Using an example here....
Imagine your social life costs you something like £30 a week for coffees, drinks, etc... your needs (in the loosest sense of the word) are £30.
What if you had no income and your husband only gave you £5 a week for fun money?
Sure, you [i]could[/i] survive on £5 a week.
Plenty of women [i]could[/i].
But you want more to be happy in your social life.

just saying that some men could be happy with and deal with a lack of sex is completely flawed. some are, some are not.

get a grip guys. it's wrong that he's hidden this from her, but his needs were not being met and this was bound to happen sooner or later. The timing sucks, but again... there's only so long you can survive on £5 a week before thinking about, or getting a loan :-P

Again. I'm not being hearltess or callous. I'm just saying, come on, be serious.... this was going to happen sooner or later, especially given that your sex drives are so out of tune.

OP, please don't pay any heed to this misogynist drivel.

How are you this morning? Are you able to give some more background about what changes your H is prepared to make, or whether you feel you even want to try?

crestico men don't "give" women "fun money" anymore. We make our own.

In fat I think you ARE a man....why dont you piss off out of this thread and let the op get some support?

OP....as LandedGentry says...please ignore cresticos ramblings.

I think if libidos are mismatched ,you need to communicate and 'meet in the middle'.
The only thing that makes your relationship unique is the intimate side of it.
Without a satisfactory sex life (suiting both) you might as well be flat mates or siblings.

Crestico,

Your analogy illustrates why it is wrong. You are confusing "needs" with "wants".

If you marry and have children with someone, you have made a commitment. You should stick to it. I admit that human beings are fallible and most adults should be able to get over an affair provided the "guilty" party can see that he/she has misbehaved and is prepared to make amends, especially where children are concerned. But mistaking fallibility for some kind of rational response is just plain stupid.

Nonsense *Aslingorla" Sex is not the only thing that makes a relationship unique!

People have routines and rituals that areunique to their relationship...they have words and acts of kindness...sex is part of it but it's certainly not the only unique thing!

Any couple can go through a dry spell....it happens. Talking helps and s does councelling.

There is always a chance of sorting this out....especially if he is willing to upport you through the many ups and downs that getting over this wil involve.

OP do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

I agree you need to communcate and meet in the middle which both people are happy. But if the husband already fancied someone else there was no incentive to communicate or meet in the middle.

Only the husband can tell his wife what was going on with him. I dont think the OP should feel bad about anything she did as this could change the reality of what happened. Only the OP can find the answers and reevaluate what happen in light of this new information.

How much was it their communication/situation and how much was it him gaslighting?

@ We make our own

OP i would give it some time to get over the shock and think things over before making any dissions.

anothermum he is still staying here on the couch atm trying to keep things as normal as I physically & mentally can for the kids sake until im sure what I want to do.
Got a mate coming round in a bit for a coffee and chat. I only found out last night after checking his phone, have made him tell his parents as we dont always see eye to eye but their son is perfect in their eyes, They were disgusted with him and although we dont really get along MIL rung me to say she was there if I needed her. dont know what to say to my parents who arent particulary supportive to me but are great with their GC.

garlic ive posted on here a while ago saying just that (possibly under another name, just couldnt be bothered this time as im too upset) so youve hit the nail on the head. He knnow exactly how I feel ive told him plenty of times but obviously it wasnt worth much to him.

crestico H only moved out the night before as we were going to try having a break (-not seperated) to see if that would help/how we felt/ brought us to our senses. Not so he could go out and get laid which had already been happening for months. So thats not really an excuse for it. He wasnt told to move out at all it was mutual. And was only decided the night before.
He didnt feel he was doing it to have a 'happy marriage' because it was far from that because he was seeing her. He lost any affection towards me and the lazyness/ selfishness increased.

He met her at a works xmas party (not from his work) was texting her since then and met her 3-4 months ago for sex. which I have now found out from him.
He said he will go to the drs to get tested even though they used protection.
Hes deleted her numbers, although says he knows the landline by heart.
Ive not given him any decisions yet and will take my time -not out of spite but to know its the right choice.
Its a lot to get my head round and I dont know if I can deal with the dishonesty and thoughts of them together TBH. I NEVER thought he would go so low he knows honesty is a big issue for me.

DC know nothing although could probably hear us arguing yesterday, just trying to keep strong for them.

I said the 'intimate side 'of your relationship Mumb.which includes 'routines and rituals'
Try not to dismiss posts as nonsense, please.

BUt you were talking about sex Aslingora.....

mumbling I never got married for it to end like this (nobody does) I honestly thought he would never do anything like this. I did want to spend my life with him but now I have no idea.

He texts her/calls her most days, even on my birthday. Which makes me wonder if he CAN just tell her to f*&^ offdrop her or whether hes got a connection that he cant/wont break.
He says he will do anything but I dont know if I can believe him.

I said 'intimacy' was what made it unique. Sex is one form of intimacy. Affection is the most important whatever way it is demostrated.

We are all trying to help the OP here. So let's not indulge in petty arguments Mumb.

He has to break all contact with her if he wants his marriage to work ima.

He is still texting her? Have you told him you will work on it if he cuts of communication with her..in front of you? Is he still working with her? I would demand a job/department change too if it were me...

yes i am a man, what of it? this may be mumsnet, but I believe a stay-at-home father can be just as helpful on these forums to help women understand us a little better. telling me to leave and in such a crude manner... really not cool.

and before you start picking at this... no i wasn't being sexist with my analogy with men 'giving' women money, if you read it properly you'd have seen it said "if you had no income".. and no i wasn't being sexist in saying that partners should be allowed to 'expect' sex with their partner. In fact, it's probably one of the highest causes cited by men for divorce, so if I was a woman I'd really really pay attention to it, because it really is a big deal for a lot of people (regardless of gender), no matter how it ranks on your importance.

to all those jumping on the band-wagon of attacking what I'm saying, take a breath and stop being so self-righteous. have you ever noticed that when someone is trying to give advice (and bear in kind that advice is always subjective and not everyone is going to agree with it), that it's the ones trying to offer 'token support' who get angry and offensive, not the ones offering advice?

i'm sorry, but are we here to offer advice, support and guidance, or are we here to pander to someone's problems saying "you're so hard done by, we're all feeling for you" because, without advice attached to it, this is just dribble that even a parrot could come up with.

==== that out of the way....

OP .... you guys have serious communication problems, I hate what's happened for your sake, I've kept saying every post here how awful it must be for you, and I have been wishing you all the luck in the world.... but you need to recognise that something went very wrong in your relationship and I think you need help personally, and as a couple.

You need to understand that everyone in this world is different, and using the age-old defenses of "this isn't normal" or "some people might do this" is really not going to help you understand what's happening in your situation, because everyone is unique. You're in this situation for a few simple reasons:

he wanted sex
you were not providing it (which you have every right not to)
he wanted sex
you were not communicating to him why he was not getting sex
he wanted sex
the communication broke down
he wanted sex, and his self-esteem probably hit rock bottom
you guys decided to separate and he moved out
he wanted sex

...

and then you're angry with him for getting it elsewhere?

I think it speaks volumes that he wants to work things out with you, and I think that despite everyone wishing we lived in a perfect world where everyone did everything by the book, and completed one chapter before skipping on to the next, life really isn't like that.

the long and short of it is that if you guys had sat downs and communicated, things could have got sorted. Instead, you let the sex issue become so huge that he probably didn't understand why he wasn't getting it, and for him it was a very big deal - obviously because he has been making such a big deal over it and I bet you've had countless arguments about it - so big in fact that he cheated on you, the wife he loves. That was wrong, but there's always a but.

The last point I want to make is that a lot of people take a huge sense of their attractiveness and self-worth from the way they are perceived in their partner's eyes. If you didn't feel like your partner was attracted to you, you probably wouldn't feel that attractive in general. Seeing as there was no communication as to why the sex stopped, there were no clear demands on your part (we all know men are thick and cannot take a hint), then .... broken record time.... this was a communication problem.

Really.... you don't need us to realise that you need to get some sort of counselling for your problems, and your combined problems as a couple. All you're going to get here are people like MumblingRagDoll who are more interested in trolling people like me who genuinely want to help you understand what might have happened by providing you with a different perspective. You don't have to listen to me or anyone, but I hope some of this has made you think a little differently, or maybe understand your man a tiny bit more. It's not going to make you hate him any less right nopw, but the emotions are raw, and I can see you just need a big e-hug.

Please seriously consider some counselling, and try to talk this out and let it go, because harbouring grudges will not help anyone in the long-run, especially if, in your heart, you want to reconcile.

So simple question. Do you still love him? Are you still attracted to him? And take it from there. Honestly, I wish you all the best with this, it's going to be a really hard, horrible time for you. Lots of love

oh and justr a quick note, a LOT of posts happened while I was writing that monster of a reply, so apologies if I've contradicted anything written above. i'm only human. I'm unsubscribing from this thread now, all the best :-) I hope it works out for you.

I think this is far more than just sex for the H, although he might try and justify it as that or blame it on that. They ARE having an affair, including both emotional and physical contact. Someone saying 'you're my rock' usually says that when they are getting emotional support, likewise you don't say 'I love you' to someone who is there just for sex. OP please don't let your H guilt you into believing it's your fault for not putting out enough.

OP i dont think having him in the house at the momment is a healthy thing for you. I would think having some space and time to get your head around it all is whats needed. If he wants his marrage to work he will not see her again and if he goes to her then you can't stop it anyway.

If you want to work it out then he must cut off all contact and go to counciling and do everything you ask to rebuild the trust you have lost. It will not be easy but it is doable if that is what you both want.

You have no more idea than the rest of us why this man had an affair, crestico. You are making huge assumptions about his rationale.

OP, some practical advice. You need to get tested too, I'm afraid.

Take your time and ask as many questions as you can of your H. It seems you've automatically linked your differing sex drives with his affair, but it might be a complete red herring. Better to ask yourself whether this behaviour is just typical of a man who sounds like he was always selfish and became worse after the DCs came along.

Above all, please disregard any posts or advice that imply that you are at fault, or that this was inevitable. Inevitable in a selfish man perhaps, but you must not and should not take the blame for someone else's behaviour and deception.

Crestco, do you not think OP's husband should have sat OP down and talked to him about the sex issue? Or proposed an open marriage? Or just ended the marriage? Because imho what's really horrible about this man's behaviour isn't the sex but the fact that he went behind OP's back and led her on while sleeping with somebody else.

sorry, Crestico

and her, not him* :D

Am sorry OP.

While you're thinking about what to do, perhaps (since he's seemingly willing to do anything to save your relationship) he should take over much of the housework, childcare etc. Give you some space to think about what you want.

I completely agree with garlic.

Tell your parents and friends if you can bear to, maybe they can help with the dcs since they have a good relationship. Was nice of your mil to call you.

I would be v upset, and would insist on total disclosure, I'd look at email, facebook, credit card statements, phone bill, travel dates etc. Would not trust him or his description of the affair one inch. Wouldn't take a decision about the future of the relationship until had seen the extent of and type of affair.

This is not your fault. All relationships have problems, an affair is never excusable. If people want to sleep with someone else, they should end their relationship first.

Crets A woman shouldn't HAVE to have sex to prevent her poor deprived (just can't cope without it) husband of going elsewhere! We don't pay our husbands to stay with us and being faithful by fucking them!

My DH and I have a difference of sex drive. A while back he told me he had been considering seeing the dr for medication to reduce his sex drive. He would rather do that then go and have an affair which would probably result in our relationship breaking down. As it is we have worked together (it was bloody hard) to work out what things reduced my drive and what increased it, and at the same time what he can do when he feels frustrated.