really didnt think he would but H has been cheating

[imawigglyworm]

found out today that H has been cheating on me for a few weeks/months. We have had lots of problems in our relationship lately him having a high sex drive where ive been the oppisite, not being helpful around the house/diy/ looking after kids -one being SN etc.

The other night we thought maybe a break would be a good idea as weve been going in circles to sort things. He came home today to see the kids and I had a quick nose on his phone (I know its wrong but something was pushing me to) anyway found texts to and from a male work mate saying things like I really miss your smile, cuddles and kisses etc and I love you, your my rock etc.
When I confronted him I he initaly said its a work mate being funny but then admitted it. He meets this slapper in mornings before work for sex and has been for a while now.

I feel sick at the thought of it, I hate him so much but hes adamant he wants to sort things out between us and for the kids too.

I dont see how I could trust him and I cant stop thinking of 'them'.

Is there ever a chance of getting round something like this? Just dont know what to do.

So sorry to hear you are going through this OP, this is really hard I am sure.

You don't mention if he is very regretful for what he has done, or if he says the affair is over. You said that the text said he loved her, have you asked him about that?

Yeah, ive asked him about the whole 'i love you' part and he said it was meant more as friends & she makes him laugh, but you dont tell a 'friend' in this situation you love them if you didnt mean it as that surely?
Just like you wouldnt take a females phone number at a work party, store it under a mans name just so you could 'chat'. (he hadnt been drinking either as he was driving so in a way that makes it worse.
He says its over but hasnt told her because he deleted her number, he said she will get the hint (??) I have found her number off of his phone bill -not hard hes been ringing/texting her more than he rings me. I want him to ring her infront of me and tell her its over whether we get back together eventually or not. Is that wrong of me?
He seems regretful but not as regretful as i'd like IYSWIM he says he would do anything but im not 100% convinced.

You are not wrong. He has to tell her it's over either in front of you or show you the email/text. She will not get the hint because he is not being honest with either of you. Looks like he wants both of you. He can't! He needs to grow up and fight for his marriage.

Hey OP! Hope crest has made it all crystal clear for you. You are obliged to shag your partner as often as he wants it regardless of any other factors or he has the perfect right to go elsewhere

I'd just like to say that my DH and I have had a "mismatched sex drive" problem for two years, things got better just lately and now things are pretty much ok, during this time neither of us had an affair or looked for sex elsewhere. This sort of problem does not/should not automatically lead to one partner looking outside the marriage for the thing they feel they are missing. If both of you work together it will get better, if one partner can't be bothered it won't get better.
All this saying men have to have sex or they will die etc is just so much rubbish. Although I'm sure Henry the Eighth would have agreed.

he's only been using this 'slapper' for sex - and that's okay then, crestico? I think it speaks volumes about his attitude to women. He's content to use OP for domestic services and use Ms Thing for sex services. How exactly is he contributing to the happiness of either woman's life?

Having read your other posts, I see you share his pov. So I son't like you either, misogynist.

You are right, you don't say that "I love you" as a friend to someone who you are having sex with unless you feel it. The same with the number, the intention was there.

He really doesn't sound remorseful or even seem to understand how serious this is. Do you want him to move out? I think he should to give you some space to think. I feel that he has no right to be in the family home right now. Would you make him go? I know you might worry about sending him into her arms but he's been there anyway.

Have you gotten angry with him? Does he know how much you are hurting?

Hi wiggly, youll know who i am when you see this. ;-)

In reply to Crest, I think you may have read the situation wrong. when communication starts to break down it becomes difficult to be intimate. i know this couple well. and i know wiggly has been trying hard to get things sorted for a long time. the effort hasnt been made from his side.

Ive been with wiggly this morning, and we have had a good chat. there has also been some great replies on here that i think will help (she very good at ignoring the unhelpful ;-) )

I will echo posts saying space from him is wise, and they need to strip the relationship right back to basics and look at each other as people not husband and wife or parents and start from the beginning so to speak. but major effort will need to come from him too.

Either way, with the right support and no pressure wiggly, you will get through this. xoxo

yeah he knows how angry im feeling. Couldnt stop crying yesterday and think im all cried out today. When I look at him I just feel sick and want to punch him (not that I condone violence).
Your right I am worried if I send him elsewhere he will end up back with her, I know what will be will be either way but im worried if I dont find out if he sees her again and he pleads innocent with me and I take him back.
he says he will go if I want him to which is either him trying to make an effort or do whats right OR because he wants to run back to her.

Its hard to know what to do or how to think when youve been betrayed like this.
And I agree im not sure he sees how serious it is. I think maybe he thinks I will just take him back.
I hate this, I cant think straight, dont know what to believe or what to do.

Thanks Coffee, I appreciate you coming over today and posting on here :-)

not really spoke to him much today but still have loads to ask and get off my chest, bit hard atm with the kids about.

I just wish things werent so crappy all the time for me.

I appreciate anyone who takes time to post whether its in support or not, you never know they might and sometimes do have some interesting points to make.

Glad you've got such lovely friends, Wiggly :)

He is likely to go to Ms Thing IF she can provide hot meals and a comfy home. Even if that happens, she's likely to get pissed off for exactly the same reasons as you. Then he'll do the same thing to her. I know this must be so hard to hear, but you know who he is these days; you can see what he's doing already.

I agree you're not going to be able to think clearly until there's space between you. So either you ask him to go - and he may go to her, no point putting conditions on him as it's easy for him to lie - or you pack yourself off.

If you decide it's best for you to go, you could clear off by yourself for a few weeks. Can you trust him with the DCs? How would you cope without them?

If you go away with DCs, how are you fixed for somewhere SAFE and COMFY for a few weeks? Family, friends, cheap holiday? A holiday would be fabulous, depending on DC's needs. I find it's always easier to think clearly on a sunny beach!

If he goes, the advantages are bieng in familiar surroundings and not shelling out extra costs - so you might be able to afford a few counselling sessions for yourself. On the downside, he's likely to be round every day, begging & stuff, and you will be surrounded by symbols of the family life you thought you had. Also, it'll be easy to find out if he's still seeing her, and you don't need the added complications of jealousy right now.

The compromise might be that for the next few days, your ILs step in and have the DCs at their house for a little "holiday" - which would be perfectly normal and explainable at this time of year. He must then take time off work and you can spend the time having the discussions you need.

At the moment, he is taking no responsibility - not even for ending the relationship with the other woman. This has got to stop. It is also very unlikely that there has been "radio silence" between them since discovery. You need to know what she has been told.

I have a feeling that your H might want you to think that this relationship was mainly motivated by sex, but the evidence points elsewhere. You need the absolute truth about his feelings for this woman and it is essential that she is put straight in your presence, about why the relationship must end and critically, why he is staying with you.

He must then become totally transparent with passwords and his schedules. It will take a long time to trust again - that is, if you decide to try to forgive.

Do you know the OW?

I think that you can get over this if you both want to. It has been obvious to you that he isn't happy with you sex life. I don't think asking a man to clean up when he works full time and is telling you how unhappy he is wouyld be a turn on. It sounds like prostituting yourself to me.You are probably aware of your part in your sex life making him unhappy and I would just say the more you get the more you want its amazing how much you enjoy it once you make it a priority!!!My dh has also taken someone out for a few meals although no sex involved. I want to try and make a go of it and am aware that althoug he did wrong I was far from meeting his needs emotionally. I wouldn't think that just because we are married that he should not be allowed to snap if things get that bad for him.We are quick to tell a woman to leave a crap partner but some men are misguidedly going outside a marriage as the wives haven't listened when the are miserable.

at yet another woman-blaming post.

As someone said earlier, has the calendar changed to July 1955 in our absence?

Listen up. If someone chooses to deceive you and risk your sexual and emotional health without telling you, it is that person's fault.

Thank goodness for Garlic and landedgentry. Some sense!

Poor little man wasn't getting sex, so of course he's going to go elsewhere. He is not in any way responsible for the reasons he isn't getting enough sex (see lack of respect for her feelings and lack of help around the house).

I think the obnoxious way that Crestico gave a warning to all women that it is inevitable that a man will cheat if he isn't getting sex at home could be turned around to: 'Listen up, menfolk. If you don't help around the house and treat your wife like an unpaid skivvy, then don't expect her to feel like shagging you and expect her respect for you to dwindle away very rapidly.'

This isn't your fault, Wiggly. At all. I just don't see how the answer to problems in any marriage can lie in betrayal, lies and looking for intimacy elsewhere.

and...I'm completely amazed by:
I don't think asking a man to clean up when he works full time and is telling you how unhappy he is wouyld be a turn on

She's not trying to turn him on, FFS! She's trying to get him to share some of her burden and act as though he cares about her an ounce. That is more likely to be a turn on for her. Missing the point spectacularly there, cjel.

So according to some its perfectly normal to run around after a mans every need during the day, then be ignored all night and still put out at bedtime?! :-o

Think you miss the point specatcularly that she has been perfect partner, for whatever reason, and that he should be happy at whatever she feels that she can treat him like, We don't know which came first her crap treatment of him or his crap treatment of her. Women are not entitled to robotic husbands who work outside the home, then come home and work in it as well and then have to be perfect fathers and put up with women moaning as well, People are in partnerships and men are no more saints than women. I Don't say men can mistreat wives but why should they put up with being treated like breadwinners and slaves any more than us? If she knew he was unhappy and he had made that very clear and she was not interested in helping him be more happy what was he supposed to do? Roll over and become her slave?

Cjel- you are the one who has the situation wrong!

coffeisking, Just think if wife has the attitude that sex with husband is a reward to him, then when shes pissed with him she withdraws her 'favour' how is that reasonable attitude to a normal relationship? How would she feel if he withdrew his fanancial support for example if he was fed up? By the way I don't want to under value OPs pain, As you see from my posts have been through same pain and anguish so don't want to cause her pain but some posters think relationships are two way until they go wrong and then DH should have been a saint, provider lover, carer, househusband super dad etc etc.and Dw should have things all her own way or he is a bastard. AM NOT SAYING THIS IS THE CASE HERE> just wanted to balance 'leave the bastard' post to help op do what she wants.xx

The thing is, we are only getting the OP' side and I do sympathise with you Op. Nobody should have an affair, it' s the ultimate betrayal. (been there).
However, I always recommend (yawn!, not sure if I've said it on this post before now) talking to a mutual friend, who knows and likes you both, 'a friend of the marriage' !

Intimacy, affection (with or without actual sex) is important and well worth working on for BOTH. He may not have had his needs met but then, neither did you OP.

Its not about reward and punishment. its about a relationship that has completely broken down. wiggly has tried talking about there issues for a long time. things are ok for a few days, he stops trying. things deteriorate again. sex isn't something someone feels like doing when they are unsupported, unhappy and exhausted. it does not give him the excuse to go elsewhere.

also the posts saying leave him have generally been ignored. wiggly is getting support and advise on how to get through this whatever way things go.

wiggly - I'm sorry to hear what has happened. I don't have any advice except to take your time to decide what YOU want to do. Your DH has treated you very badly and you must be feeling very shaken up by all this.

crest - the part of an affair that hurts the most isn't about the physical relationship but about the lies and deception. The op's husband didn't really give her a chance to reach a compromise about mismatched sex drives. He decided to look outside the marriage without any discussion with her. How can she ever really trust him again?

coffeeisking - you sound like a really nice supportive friend to have around!

From the new information that coffee has provided, it seems that dh is still keeping his options open. And hasn't been treating Op very well for some time.

In other threads on here, a mn-er called whenwillifeelnormal often talked about a phase before an affair when the man (or woman) detaches from the relationship with their spouse, making no effort etc, picking faults; the relationship suffers (because of their actions, though they blame the spouse) then they can justify an affair to themselves (we were going through a bad patch, sex life rubbish, wife nagging constantly or whatever). Seems to have happened here.

Suspect that if you take him back too easily, he may walk all over you even more and disrespect you.

In the short-term he should finish things with the ow while you're present and go anf stay elsewhere, but take the kids regularly so you can rest (he shouldn't get to swan about with no responsibilities while you're left with hard work as well as heartache). If he goes to the ow, is a further sign that he has been looking for reasons to leave and is an untrustworthy tosser.

at the 1950s, woman-blaming posts.