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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP 'jokingly' called me a slag.

62 replies

Baggypussy · 27/07/2011 11:15

..and I wish I could just forget it, but I can't seem to get it out of my head.

It was nearly a week ago, and we were having a jovial conversation about how 'active' we were in our single days before we met.

For the record, I wasn't exactly living the life of a nun, but neither was I exactly promiscuous.

It wasn't said in a nasty way, but I HATE that word. Apart from the fact that it's a horrible, horrible term, I was also in an abusive relationship many years ago, in which that term was shouted at me many times in a few abusive scenarios.

I have spoken to DP about how much it upset me, and he is also aware of the abuse situation above. He has promised to 'try' and never use that word again, but has said that he cannot categorically promise it won't happen, as it's just a banter word to him that he would use jokingly with males and females alike.

He also said that I was being 'oversensitive' by being so upset by it.

Generally our relationship is good. We have had ups & downs in the past, but the last couple of months have been great.

We've been together 4 years and have 1 child together.

..so, do I just forget it and accept that he will 'try' never to use that word again, in jest or otherwise..or do I take it as a big, fat red flag?

TIA.

OP posts:
TartanKitty · 27/07/2011 11:20

I think you should let it go this time. You've said it wasn't said in a nasty way and that you've spoken to your parnter about it. I can understand that you would feel upset at him saying you were oversensitive but he has agreed to try not to use the word again so I think you should leave it there. If he continues to use the word which causes you so much upset or does it deliberately again that's a different issue, but I think you should give the guy a chance as you say your relationship is generally good.

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2011 11:34

I wouldn't talk about my sexual history with anyone who used words like that.

oldwomaninashoe · 27/07/2011 11:35

Get over it, if it wasn't meant in a nasty way, don't take it as such. He's apologised as it has upset you.
Sorry but I think if otherwise things are good in your relationship then you are being oversensitive.

bejeezus · 27/07/2011 11:40

it doesnt sound as if you will be able to forget it? Its been playing on your mind for a week

what do the downs in your ups and downs consist of?

HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp · 27/07/2011 11:40

You should let it drop. As you said, your DP was joking and meant no malice. Perhaps he didn't realise how sensitive you are? My DP has also called me a slag in a VERY JOVIAL WAY, and I took it entirely in the spirit that it was intended; AS A JOKE. I know he doesn't really think that I am a slag!

Let it go.

Ephiny · 27/07/2011 11:48

I would be upset too if my DP said anything like that to me. Not that he would!

I understand that he meant it as a joke and didn't realise it would be hurtful/upsetting to you. But the problems for me would be firstly that he told you you were being 'oversensitive' rather than apologising and assuring you it would never happen again - and also that he's in the habit of using such hateful misogynistic words in everyday 'banter'. So yes those things would be red flags for me personally.

SingOut · 27/07/2011 11:53

It's the fact he told you you were being oversensitive to be upset by it that is the red flag. Those are your feelings, you feel them - it's not up for discussion or interpretation! How can dare he invalidate you in such a way?
That would annoy me more than the initial comment - words hold different meanings and levels of 'weight' to us all, of course they do. But to be so flippant after you explained... umm, I wouldn't be happy, no.

Accept the fact you can't forget it. That's telling you something about yourself. Don't attempt to squash it down and move on if you don't feel able to just yet.

Original poster
Baggypussy · 27/07/2011 11:56

Thanks ladies. So general consensus is that I am overreacting.

As Ephiny says though, I think the reason I am finding it hard to let go of, is that he didn't properly apologise.

I also take on board Imperial's point about not discussing sexual history. In the past he has also made derogatory comments about other people's histories, and I think that's partly why it bothered me so much. 'Many a true word spoken in jest' kind of thing?

For this time though, I am going to try to forget it.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/07/2011 12:08

Let it go this time, maybe. But be wary. A man who thinks its ok to call women slags is a man who has issues around female sexual behaviour. Particularly as his response to your distress was 'You're overreacting and I might say it again if I feel like doing so' - no wonder you are upset.
Having lots of sexual partners is not a bad thing, it is not shameful, it is not wrong. I've had over 100 and I'm not ashamed of it. And anyone who thinks it is something to be ashamed of is someone I would not take seriously but not want to be friends with.

confidence · 27/07/2011 12:24

I have spoken to DP about how much it upset me, and he is also aware of the abuse situation above. He has promised to 'try' and never use that word again, but has said that he cannot categorically promise it won't happen, as it's just a banter word to him that he would use jokingly with males and females alike.

That seems reasonable to me.

He also said that I was being 'oversensitive' by being so upset by it.

That doesn't.

People need to understand that words have different connotations for different people and adjust their speech accordingly - particularly in a relationship. It might be different if you were being very sensitive about loads of figures of speech and he started feeling like he was walking on eggshells, but a simple single case like this he ought to be able to accomodate.

I also agree with SGB. I'm very relaxed about swearing and use a lot of swear words in everyday life because, like your DP, they are just "banter" to me. Come to think of it though I don't use "slag" or "slut" much because there just isn't any point. The words themselves only mean anything in relation to the belief that it's wrong for women to have lots of sexual partners. As I don't hold that belief or even understand it, situations just don't arise in which I would use the word.

lazarusb · 27/07/2011 16:05

I don't think I'd let DH judge me in that way. He knows that I have had more sexual partners than him - so what? It doesn't make me better or worse than him. If he called me that, even as a joke and I felt uncomfortable about it I would call him on it and expect an apology. I wouldn't call him frigid because of his history...

VictorGollancz · 27/07/2011 20:27

I wouldn't let it go and I don't think you're overreacting. I hate that word, I don't think it's banter and I don't think it's ever acceptable. We all have our priorities and this is one of mine.

Your partner needs to understand that it's really, really important that he does not say this to you again. I personally would not want to stay with any man who uses terms like this, it would eat away at me. You have a significant history and a child together - this is all the more reason for him to pay very, very close attention to how important this is to you.

Of course he can stop using it! In the very, very early days of dating, my current partner used the word 'tart'. After a shocked reaction and a detailed explanation from me, he understood and that was that. I have never, ever heard him use any derogatory term from a woman again. Not once. Ever.

SageMist · 27/07/2011 20:33

My DH had a habit of calling women 'mares' when we first got together. I told him I didn't like it, he's never ever said it again. That's respect.

TheOriginalFAB · 27/07/2011 20:33

The bit that is more out of order is telling you you were being over sensitive. No one asked for his opinion and it isn't up to him to dictate how you feel about something. Make him apologise and let it go but if he does it again..

I have used a word in the past but since dh has told me he doesn't like it I don't try and not use it. I just don't.

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 20:54

YANBU to say you don't like the word (but it is not a particularly awful one), you told him, he will try not to use it again.

YABU to think this is red flag territory!

Sariah · 27/07/2011 20:59

I think it really depends on what his normal usage of language is. I would use words like slapper in a jokey way as would my friends. If dh called me a slapper it wouldnt bother me a bit. Mainly because I used to be a bit of a slapper and also because I know he couldnt care less. If someone uses a word jokingly and there is no bad intent then I would just get over it.

Fairenuff · 27/07/2011 21:13

It doesn't really matter what the word is - if it's offensive to you and he knows it, he should agree not to use it.

My parents used to called us children stupid sometimes. It's a banned word in my house. My DH knows that I will be extremely cross and upset if he uses that word to me or my children. It's a serious issue for me and he has never said it. I am 'over sensitive' about it. It's just a word - but it's the meaning behind the words, and the feelings it invokes, that are painful.

The fact that this word was used to insult you by an abusive partner just makes it all the more awful for you and your DP needs to understand this. I think you should talk to him again so that he understands that you're not asking him to 'try', you're asking him to not use it.

I don't think there are many adults who cannot control what they say. If he says it in an argument he's doing it on purpose to hurt you. If he says it as a joke, it's not funny.

There are many racially offensive words that used to be used in jokes. These are now, quite rightly, recognised as derogatory and unacceptable. Just because you've done it in the past doesn't make it OK to keep on doing it, especially when you know it's hurtful and taken as an insult no matter how it was intended.

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 21:25

The fact that this word was used to insult you by an abusive partner

[Rolls Eyes]

bejeezus · 27/07/2011 21:42

agree with Fairenuff

we dont have 'shut up' in the house/ our lives

thisfantasticvoyage · 27/07/2011 21:48

What Fairenuff is basically biggest load of woolly waffle I've read in quite some time.

thisfantasticvoyage · 27/07/2011 21:50

Seriously Fairenuff, your post is stupid.

SingOut · 27/07/2011 21:50

Whatmeworry, why are you rolling your eyes? Confused

SingOut · 27/07/2011 21:52

Fairenough's post seems totally normal and un-woolly to me.

Fairenuff · 27/07/2011 21:53

thisfantasticvoyage hahaha I get it Grin

Sorry, forgot to say, it only works if it's said by someone I care about, but nice try Smile

EdithWeston · 27/07/2011 22:21

I don't think your reaction was U.

But neither do I think your DP was U when he said you were being over-sensitive. You've explained here that the term has a huge resonance from your emotional history, and it is totally understandable that you should react over-sensitively and it's not wrong. It's something you and he both know and need to show you understand.

He has also explained that the term holds no such significance for him. Unless you have good reason to think otherwise, take this as face value (for now, at least). He is not your ex. He is not trying to hurt you.

His only saying he'll "try" to avoid it might just be the response of an honourable man who knows at it's hard to totally change a speech pattern. He's going to try, but he isn't going to promise perfection.

I'd let it go - this time. If he says it again, then you may have to rethink - unless it is obviously a mistake (claps hand to mouth, immediately apologises profusely).

He made a mistake. But he listened to you and he's going to work on changing. I say again, he is not your ex. The deliberate intent to hurt you isn't there.