DP 'jokingly' called me a slag.

[Baggypussy]

..and I wish I could just forget it, but I can't seem to get it out of my head.

It was nearly a week ago, and we were having a jovial conversation about how 'active' we were in our single days before we met.

For the record, I wasn't exactly living the life of a nun, but neither was I exactly promiscuous.

It wasn't said in a nasty way, but I HATE that word. Apart from the fact that it's a horrible, horrible term, I was also in an abusive relationship many years ago, in which that term was shouted at me many times in a few abusive scenarios.

I have spoken to DP about how much it upset me, and he is also aware of the abuse situation above. He has promised to 'try' and never use that word again, but has said that he cannot categorically promise it won't happen, as it's just a banter word to him that he would use jokingly with males and females alike.

He also said that I was being 'oversensitive' by being so upset by it.

Generally our relationship is good. We have had ups & downs in the past, but the last couple of months have been great.

We've been together 4 years and have 1 child together.

..so, do I just forget it and accept that he will 'try' never to use that word again, in jest or otherwise..or do I take it as a big, fat red flag?

TIA.

To OP if you are happy with his apology and knew in your own mind it was not said with any malice then I would accept his apology and forget it, if however you have a horrible feeling that deep down he meant it and he is only sorry because you picked him up on it then I would have to discuss this further with him, I would find it hard to be with someone who deep deep down truly thought I was a slag, only read Op message so apologies if this has already been said.

For me, the problem would be that he said he would try to never use it again.

Try?

Fair enough, he may have been kidding. Thought it was banter. Not meant to insult or hurt you.

But. You let him know that it had.

He should have apologised and assured you that he would not call you that again.

Instead he said he would try not to, but he couldn't guarantee it.

THAT is what makes him so unreasonable. How can you not guarantee that you won't call someone a name you know hurts and upsets them?

Making a mistake and calling you a term that upsets you is not a problem in and of itself:

• if he is willing to take your feelings on board;
• if he makes sure never to hurt you in the same way again, now that he knows it is something that hurts you;
• if he was not aware before this incident that you had been called a slag by a man who abused you, and that this was therefore something that was going to be hurtful to you. If he knew beforehand, then he knew he risked hurting you and didn't care.

Calling you over-sensitive is, as you sound aware already, a red flag, as it indicates an unwillingness to take responsibility for his own actions. What loving and respectful partner would not be remorseful that they had hurt their loved one? Throwing the blame on you because he can't take it himself is problematic behaviour; I would watch out whether he displays that behaviour in his interactions with you over other matters.

I would not want to be with a man who thought that it was appropriate to use this word at all.

Bullies use the "it's only a joke" line all the time. And men often say that women "have no sense of humour" when they mean they don't like offensive and sexist language.

Oh bugger, I think I'm becoming an MN groupie. I was going to say that SGB beat me to it and expressed exactly what I wanted to say to the OP. Then I read her second post ... and agreed with that one too

I'm shite at stalking btw ...

The thing with trying not to say it is that some words are deeply ingrained in your mind, now slag is a rather unpleasant one, I agree, but for example I have a friend who is a committed Christian and does not like to people to say 'for gods sake or for christs sake' me I say these all the time when things go wrong under my breath but when she visits it is very very very hard for me to remember never to say this things my point being that the Op husband may of meant he would try to stop ever saying that word, but it may inadvertently pop out of his mouth from time to time!

Thanks for all your responses.

I have now spoken to him again, and received a (slightly) more hearfelt apology.

To those of you who were asking, the previous abusive relationship to which I referred was abusive physically, emotionally & sexually. It was a long, long time ago, but I am aware that I still carry some 'baggage' from it, and I think it has made me hyper-vigilant for any warning signs of it happening again.

DP does know sketchy details about this relationship, although I don't think he fully undersood the specific connotations of the 'slag' word to me.

To the others who were asking how I'd coped with the word for the last 4 years- that's just it- I cannot think of a single incident where I have heard him use that word in jest before....but perhaps he has, it's just that I have not taken any notice as it wasn't directed at me.

Some time ago, however, I did catch him referring to a mutual female friend as a 'slut', because of her past history...and although it wasn't said with outright malice, it certainly wasn't said in jest and was most definately him judging her. I wasn't pleased about it, and made that quite clear to him.

Anyway, I've had my apology and will let it go this time. But as others have said, if it does happen again, then that will be a different matter entirely...

Oh that sounds good. Yes I agree the best thing is to accept the apology and put it behind you, hopefully now he realises how strongly you feel about this sort of thing and won't do it again!

After your last post, I think Seeker is so right here.

Did you ever have any therapy after the abusive relationship ended?

OP this is exactly what I was saying before I got the and load of woolly waffle comments that are just of no use to anyone. You deserve respect in your relationship and if you feel you're not getting it you are perfectly right to question it. If it is not resolved, then question it again. Good luck.