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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP 'jokingly' called me a slag.

62 replies

Baggypussy · 27/07/2011 11:15

..and I wish I could just forget it, but I can't seem to get it out of my head.

It was nearly a week ago, and we were having a jovial conversation about how 'active' we were in our single days before we met.

For the record, I wasn't exactly living the life of a nun, but neither was I exactly promiscuous.

It wasn't said in a nasty way, but I HATE that word. Apart from the fact that it's a horrible, horrible term, I was also in an abusive relationship many years ago, in which that term was shouted at me many times in a few abusive scenarios.

I have spoken to DP about how much it upset me, and he is also aware of the abuse situation above. He has promised to 'try' and never use that word again, but has said that he cannot categorically promise it won't happen, as it's just a banter word to him that he would use jokingly with males and females alike.

He also said that I was being 'oversensitive' by being so upset by it.

Generally our relationship is good. We have had ups & downs in the past, but the last couple of months have been great.

We've been together 4 years and have 1 child together.

..so, do I just forget it and accept that he will 'try' never to use that word again, in jest or otherwise..or do I take it as a big, fat red flag?

TIA.

OP posts:

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 22:31

Whatmeworry, why are you rolling your eyes?

Because saying this was "used to insult you by an abusive partner" is totally OTT and cheapens real abuse..

maleview70 · 27/07/2011 22:35

You said it was a joke so Its time to get over it.

Landedgentry · 27/07/2011 22:40

Anyone who uses this term for a woman is a misogynist. I very much doubt this is the only example of your partner having double-standards about the sexual behaviour of women, or else you wouldn't be posting about it.

And you seriously need to change your user-name OP, because that's pretty bloody odious too.

SingOut · 27/07/2011 22:43

Sorry, verbal abuse including calling someone a slag is not real abuse? I must have missed the memo on that one!

MN depresses the hell out of me at times.

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 22:56

Sorry SingOut, you are right, this is an appalling case of abuse and the OP should leave right away, (making sure to call the cops on the way out the door) before her complete bastard of a DH uses a sweary word

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/07/2011 23:02

Look, different people are sensitive to different words. I personally don't mind 'slut' in the least because in my frames of reference it's a word I am reclaiming (big fan of the Ethical Slut movement - it's also good fun if someone uses the word to or about me in a negative way to introduce them to the concept of ethical sluthood). It's not really rocket science to accept that someone you are close to has an issue with particular words and not use those words around that person. OK most people will make the occasional slip up if the word is not all that semantically loaded for them and someone who is clearly making an effort should be given some leeway if s/he is otherwise lovely. But while it's not really on to police strangers' conversations for words that you personally don't like, it's not acceptable for people who allegedly love you to dismiss your feelings when they not only know that certain words upset you but they know why.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/07/2011 23:04

Whatmeworry, the OP didn't say it was abuse when her DP used it. She said it had also been used previously, more than once, by an ex who was abusive.
And are you suggesting that verbal or emotional abuse isn't "real" abuse?

bejeezus · 27/07/2011 23:05

Whatmeworry

you need to read Fairenuffs post again, you have misunderstood, it reads;

The fact that this word was used to insult you by an abusive partner just makes it all the more awful for you and your DP needs to understand this

she said it was unacceptable because it used in the past by OPs abusive partner. OP has not detailed whether that partner was physically or emotionally abusive or the extent of that abuse.

But Fairenuff was not implying that Ops currently partner was abusive because he used this word

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 23:06

And are you suggesting that verbal or emotional abuse isn't "real" abuse?

No, I am arguing that in this specific case this was not serious verbal abuse.

bejeezus · 27/07/2011 23:09

FWIW whatmeworry many victims of domestic abuse say that the emotional and verbal abuse has had a far more profound effect on them than the physical abuse..

YOU are the one cheapening the victims of abuse

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 23:09

But Fairenuff was not implying that Ops currently partner was abusive because he used this word

My bad for misreading - grovelling apologies to Fairenuff. We are tyen in furious agreement.

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 23:11

Bejeezus are you saying this was a case of verbal abuse then?

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/07/2011 23:13

Actually, WMW, Fairenuff was quoting the OP's first post, which said: "I was also in an abusive relationship many years ago, in which that term was shouted at me many times in a few abusive scenarios."
That's what I was referring to.

SingOut · 27/07/2011 23:13

Whatme, I think you're deliberately missing the point. But each to their own, I suppose.

I can at least take comfort that one more person in the world - i.e you - has never been on the receiving end of a drip drip of derision, criticism, sneering, belittling, countering, gaslighting, undermining, isolating, threatening, etc etc etc. To say nothing of actual name calling.

Any self respecting partner would want to put you at your ease knowing you've had an abusive relationship in the past. They wouldn't want to do or say something knowing it would cause offense or bring back unpleasant memories. Being flippant about deeply unpleasant experiences that others have gone through is not helpful.

bejeezus · 27/07/2011 23:15

that applied when it appeared that you didnt think verbal abuse= real abuse

Tortington · 27/07/2011 23:15

ffs@abuse even being mentioned and ffs again. some people have issues.

i think this was about intention. the ops dp didn't mean to upset her so much and didn't rate the word as one which people should get upset at. he now knows that his partner does get upset at this and therefore shouldn't use it in future if he can help it. however the op has to realise also, that this is a throwaway term to him, so as he is trying to be understanding of her she has to equally be as understanding if he uses this occasionally - especially considering there was no malicious intention and he doesn't 'rate' the word as offensive.

BertieBotts · 27/07/2011 23:16

I had a similar thing with DP - he jokingly made reference to the fact I had slept with more people than me and said "So in your slutty days then..." I was really upset about it and told him I didn't like the word, mainly because XP used to say it a lot "You used to be a slut, and now you won't even touch me" (I couldn't win, clearly ) and when I explained this he said "But it's okay, we can make it into a nice word." (he was a bit drunk...) but when I said no, I don't like it at all, I don't want to reclaim it, I just don't like the word. He hasn't ever used it since.

I don't think it is a "Big fat red flag", OP, but I'd be a bit hurt by him saying he'd "try" not to use it, as that implies to me that he doesn't think it's a serious enough issue that he'd remove it from his vocabulary entirely. But perhaps he was just concerned that he might not remember on every single occasion.

HystericalMe · 27/07/2011 23:16

It is hardly a big deal is it! If you don't think you are a 'slag' then you can let it go as a joke can't you.

Many people use this word in jest.

I suppose it depends on the tone of his voice when he said it to you, but if it was light hearted and jokey then - forget it! Although if he makes the same mistake again...

BertieBotts · 27/07/2011 23:16

more people than him

SingOut · 27/07/2011 23:22

But Custie, this is like the debate about racist terms. Some people find some words deeply offensive, some now use them 'ironically' and mean no offense. But there's a general perspective in society that the ones using them are the ones that have to compromise, NOT the ones that find them offensive.

We might be getting into a deeeeep philosophical debate about what it means to be offensive/offended. Hmm

I think a lot of people have been called a slag or similar in the past at the start of a slippery slope into worse name-calling and verbal abuse. I can understand a degree of caution for some, bearing this in mind. This is like those threads where the OP can't see a problem and laughs off their partners behaviour, and people flapping worriedly are telling them where it can go IF it develops. Because they've been there. I think that's the point - if it develops, he could end up behaving like a misogynistic twunt. Hopefully it was a one-off and he's a lovely chap. But if by chance he's not a completely affable, sterling bloke - well, this would be the start, wouldn't it?

mathanxiety · 27/07/2011 23:31

"He has promised to 'try' and never use that word again, but has said that he cannot categorically promise it won't happen, as it's just a banter word to him that he would use jokingly with males and females alike.

He also said that I was being 'oversensitive' by being so upset by it."

'happen' -- is a word people use when they are refusing to take responsibility for their words or actions.

You are not 'oversensitive'. He otoh is being overdefensive. What is it to him to just say he is sorry and he will not do it again because he cares about your feelings. If the situation was reversed, would you apologise and not do it again?

This is a red flag. Insulting you after you have spoken to him about something very personal is a breach of trust. Discounting your feelings as a way of putting an end to the discussion is not a good sign that this man is relationship material. Do you feel like sitting him down and telling him you need to go back over it and that you expect a full apology and a promise not to do it again?

Tortington · 27/07/2011 23:41

racist terms ..there is no scale of acceptability. they are racist terms and therefore unacceptable.

i just think there needs to be a bit of thoughfulness and understanding on both sides - its not ....oh i dunno....a wacky idea or anything

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 28/07/2011 01:38

But there is a scale of acceptibility when you consider context. For instance, the word 'coloured' when used to refer to someone of non-caucasian origin is now considered offensive, but for a lot of older people (over 60 or so), it's the polite word. There are times when someone uses a word that some people might be offended by, but the speaker is using what s/he thinks is a polite euphemisms - it is being a bit oversensitive to make a massive deal out of the use of the 'wrong' word when it was clearly used with no aggressive intention.

DandyLioness · 28/07/2011 01:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatmeworry · 28/07/2011 10:16

But there's a general perspective in society that the ones using them are the ones that have to compromise, NOT the ones that find them offensive.

I don't agree....the ones finding certain words offensive are usually small, narrow minded, but very vocal and focussed minorities and it leads to all the PC madness going on these days. If the majority don't find a particular word offensive, then it shouldn't be.

But no doubt I'll get slagged off for saying that :o

I'm also curious re dandylion's question OP....how did you cope before?

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