Possible father of my child gone totally AWOL

[99to1]

For reasons too complicated to go into, there are two possible fathers of my 6 month foetus. I know it's bad so there's no point judging me as I've done that enough for everyone.

One is 99% likely to be the dad (I'll call him 99)
One is 1% likely to be the dad (I'll call him 1)

99 doesn't know about 1, and is totally behind me, wants to be supportive, wants the child, wants a full on relationship marriage etc He has no idea that there is any chance the baby isn't his. I'm 99% sure he is the dad because we were having a lot of unprotected sex around the time I conceived. I want him to be the dad.

1 does know about 99. When I told him I was pg it never even crossed his, or my, mind that he could be the dad (it was a one-off and we'd used a condom). Then my doubts started creeping in and I told him about them. He told me not to be so ridiculous but that if it did turn out that way he'd be totally there for me. I last saw him in June when I again mentioned my worries, he replied "God are you still on about that? what's it matter anyway, 99 will never know". I was a bit stunned by this as it obviously matters, there is no way I would have 99 unknowingly bringing up another man's child. Since that meeting I've heard nothing. Our friendship had complicated dynamics around our history together, but it was a genuine friendship and there was love. For the past few years he has been pestering me to start a relationship with him but I told him it wasn't going to happen (mainly because of 99). I am stunned he could be so heartless and unsupportive at this time, in addition to being surprised that he wouldn't jump at the chance to get what he wants even if it's because of an unplanned pregnancy. It takes two to tango and I want him to face up to it since I have to too.

It seems like 1 has slunk away from our friendship and is hoping to slink away from his responsibilities as a father, if he is the father. I want to make sure this doesn't happen but I don't know how to handle it. I can only really communicate with 1 now by text or phone, or MSN/email as we never have cause to see each other. As I say, since June he has been incommunicado. Alternatively I think it's possible that he is totally convinced that 99 is the father, and he is finding that hard to deal with, and that might be why he's gone AWOL. I could be wrong.

Notwithstanding that none of you would've been stupid enough to get into this situation in the first place, what would you do?

Well '1' obviously doesn't give a shit, does he? '99' seems a decent enough guy and it seems likely that he is the father.
I base this not on amount of times she had sex with him- that is a red herring; she could have sex with him 100 times in non-fertile part and not get pregnant and only the once with '1' during fertile period- but as she used condom and it did not split with '1' he is unlikely to be father.

'99to' I think '99' will be the better father to your child and '1' does not give a fk, I think you want him to be the father of your child as you crave danger- not a judgment as such, just how you are.

You are having a child and you owe that child a stable upbringing therefore from a moral viewpoint I'd say settle down with '99', but, be honest, can you do this? Can you go from being a drama addict to normality? If not, best to remain single and dump them both.

Apocalypto 'Unprotected' sex in my book though means sex with no attempt at contraception and/or infection prevention . So I assumed it was sex without a condom, compared to sex with a condom (which didn't split) with 1.

Best to be honest with '99' because while I'm not saying your workings out are crap, but like a lot of people (heck I only now because I studied natural family planning) you seem to think that number of times sex is had is the whole story- it is not and there may have been split in condom. Trouble is you are not certain so best to come clean and no offence you don't seem the sort of person who would be able to keep a secret like this stoically and for years on end.
Just tell '99' and see how he reacts. Face it, you are naive ('1' does not care and wants out of your life, honestly, this is obvious) and love a bit of drama, at least armed with facts '99' can make an informed decision.

To be clear I had sex once with 1, he (reluctantly) used a condom, it didn't split. It was a mistake, we all make them, but it happened and I can't go back.

I had sex several times (at least 3 I'd say) in that same week with 99, it was unprotected, no withdrawal. We've been on and off for years - more on than off. We are both disease free and admittedly I was lax about the pregnancy scenario. I thought I was infertile, my cycle was messed up, but according to the dates worked out by the doctor and scans, that's probably the week I conceived.

I know it's not down to number of times we had sex, it's down to "has sperm got through at the right time", and that's why I think it's very unlikely that 1 is the dad.

I realise 1 doesn't give a shit, but I have no sympathy for him any more than I have for myself. As an adult he knows the possible consequences of having sex, even if a condom was reluctantly used. I knew this too but what can I say I fucked up.

I don't know where the notion has come from that I want 1 to be the dad. I don't. I want 99 to be the dad and it's more than likely he is, but I feel there needs to be preparation for the alternative outcome. It's hard to see it from 1's point of view but I can see your points about him running for the hills once he found out I was pregnant and why he'd reasonably assume it's not his.

99 being the dad is the best outcome for 99, the baby, 1 and me. He will be the better dad, we can be a great family. He's no angel himself but he's sound. I have no intention of cheating on him again from hereon in.

The main reason why the possibility of 1 being the dad is entering your mind is due to your guilt for having fucked up so majorely in your love/sex life for this situation to have arisen. You want to punish yourself, this is why you are agonizing over this, rather than enjoying the pregnancy and the apparently blossiming relationship with 99.

You have only two options:
A) Tell 99 the truth
B) Let 1 sink into oblivion where he belongs, and not ever again think that he could possibly be the father of your baby.

99to1
The odds are that '1' is not the father. Admittedly Not certain but from what you say here, that would appear to be the case.
Nevertheless, despite everybody saying this, you still chase after this guy- a person who would genuinely wish '99' to be the father would breathe a sigh of relief at the reassurance offered here and be glad that '1' doesn't wish to pursue things further.

I find your hypocrisy staggering. I'm not judging you on sleeping around -heck we all make mistakes- but your slagging off of '1' is really, really irritating. Who the heck are YOU to pass judgement on his behaviour?! All he wanted- and got - was consensual, protected sex with a woman. Perfectly reasonable and he is sure he is not dad. Give the guy a break.

You are setting yourself up as a moral paragon here and it is annoying. Really it is, you have little morality yourself. Do you know why? Because it is OBVIOUS to anybody with ANY moral sense what you should do now. That is, be honest with '99' . THAT is the moral way.
I cannot stand it when people who have little morals themselves put themselves above others. Be as immoral as you like; but don't slag '1' off for doing what all responsible men do i.e. having consensual, protected sex.

I have read that if you are shagging 2 men it is more likely it is the non regular partner who has made you pregnant.

I have read that, too, owing to immunity to regular partner's sperm but, if condom used properly, I would find this highly unlikely.

@ wamster - she has sex with two different blokes, gets pregnant, has no idea by whom but is quite prepared to lie to one of them and to kid herself it's almost certainly his anyway. '99' is apparently not entitled to be told the truth, and meanwhile she expects '1' to hang around. Why on earth would '1' stay with someone that psychotically selfish?

When you said "I think '99' will be the better father to your child" and "you owe that child a stable upbringing therefore from a moral viewpoint I'd say settle down with '99'", does '99' get a say at all? Why is it OK to exploit and deceive him?

@ 80s chick - trouble is we don't know what the OP means. 'Unprotected' can mean many things. She could be rationalising lying to 99 by kidding herself he's the babydaddy. If they weren't TTC but just risked it without condoms then the odds are not 99 to 1 at all, they're more like 51 to 49.

I don't know, Apolcalypto, but to my mind, the morally correct thing to do would be come clean to '99', however, I would also understand if she said nothing but it would have to mean her keeping her mouth shut forever and I honestly do not think she would be prepared to make the sacrifice of feeling guilty in her own mind for the rest of her life in order to protect '99''s feelings and let him live in blissful ignorance. There would also be the risk of blood transfusions etc.

But what clearly is immoral is her attitude to both these men as playthings and puppets in her game. She doesn't give a s*it about either of them.

I AM glad 1 isn't pursuing it further, I'm not chasing him, I'm not constantly texting him or on the phone to him. Yes he did what any reasonable guy would do - shagged a girl he knew was in a relationship whilst also in a 'relationship' himself, then when she got pregnant disappeared from her life. He deserves every sympathy but that's neither here nor there, he's not around now for me to give him any. Him "being 100% sure" he is not the dad is not really scientific enough for me to be 100% sure myself.

QuintessentialShadow boils it down to 2 options, and I'd love to go for option B but there will always be that doubt and as someone said further up it could all come out further down the line anyway e.g. blood transfusion, so what's the point in living a lie.

@ QS

Why is it only optional to tell 99 the truth? Isn't he entitled to be given the facts before he ruins his life by hooking up with someone who lies to him?

If your DH used hookers, or porn, or gambled, obviously he's going to lie about it, as you would chuck him out if you knew. So does that mean he's entitled to lie about it so that you'll stay and have more of his children?

@ 99to1

"I have no intention of cheating on him again from hereon in."

Oh, so that's all right then

To quote meatloaf "I bet you say that to all the boys"

I'm not willing to lie to 99 for the rest of his life (I actually said "there is no way I would have 99 unknowingly bringing up another man's child" which is the opposite). I've never said that although many people have written it in their posts. I have said much further up I will have to do DNA test if it is not obvious by other means (blood) and then tackle it according to the results.

I am not applying my own morals to the OP, Apocalypto, as that would be rather pointless. Because, a) I would not allow myself to be in that position, and b) I would never considering NOT being honest to all parties involved. But for some reason I get the feeling that honesty and morals are not high on ops list of priorities, hence my two options for her specific situation. Neither of which I honestly think the op would chose.....

@ wamster

"I honestly do not think she would be prepared to make the sacrifice of feeling guilty in her own mind"

I honestly don't detect the slightest note of guilt, do you?

You don't shag x different men then declare whomever you think would make the best father to be the father, regardless of who actually is. Unless I missed something.

99to1 I don't think you are glad at all, you're gutted. If you were glad, you'd breathe a sigh of relief and be glad he has gone.

The trouble is that it is hard to take you seriously because you want us to feel all indignant and say what a bastard '1' is when the very fact that you have to post here what to do next makes you out to be really immoral, too.
I mean it's no-brainer, is it not? The moral thing to do would be forget about '1'- honestly, isn't it obvious that he does not want to know!- to come clean to '99' or, failing that, live with your guilt forever and let him live in blissful ignorance.

@ 99 to 1

So at what point do you tell him the truth?

I'm not lying to 99, it's just that he doesn't have all the facts (i.e. he doesn't know about the one-night-stand). Opinion is divided on whether it's better this way or not - as he's the likely father, won't it do more damage than good to end the relationship with a child on the way given that it was a one off and won't be happening again? - and I don't know either which is partly why I posted.

I'm remorseful, there's no puppets, just 2 possible dads to a child that exists. 1 highly likely, 1 highly unlikely but still a chance all the same.

"I'm not lying to 99, it's just that he doesn't have all the facts (i.e. he doesn't know about the one-night-stand)."

Classic!

indeed.

You do realize that deception and honesty dont really go hand in hand?

It's not easy to breathe a sigh of relief and be glad someone's gone when you can see a future of your child having a dad that doesn't give a shit.

I'm glad he's gone from my life, but if the child is his then he needs to be in its life, surely? Or are you suggesting that I just bring the child up and accept that the father won't be in its life if the proof shows he's the dad, and not pursue him in any way because he used a condom and it was consensual?

"won't it do more damage than good to end the relationship with a child on the way "

Why don't you give him the facts and let him decide for himself who he wants to spend his life with, rather than concealing them from him so you can take his decision for him?

I think you know that if you tell him, he'll dump you, so you're looking for pretexts to justify not telling him. It's for his own good. It's for the baby's good. It's what he wants. It won't happen again. We can be a family.

Does he have permission to lie to you 99to1? I mean, if you can lie to him for his own good, he can fuck hookers while you're pg and not tell you for your own good. It's not lying either, it's just not giving you the full facts.

Tell him for god's sake.

But he doesn't think he is the dad!!! Why would he? He USED protection - he *did all that he reasonably -key word- reasonably did to prevent this and now, here you are, having just had sex with him the once saying that you think he is the father. ANY bloke would think that he could not be.

"Or are you suggesting that I just bring the child up and accept that the father won't be in its life if the proof shows he's the dad"

Should have thought of that before you shagged him surely

Just because 1 does not appear to give a shit about you, it does not mean he wont give a shit about the child, if it is his.

The honest way, and only way, is to be totally honest to both men. EVEN if that jeapardizes a relationship with them.

You cannot build a relationship, or indeed a family, on lies and deception. It is not proper foundations. And even if you tried, it would only be as strong as its weakest link: which is you and how you handle this. Having sex with two men might not be wrong, but your conduct NOW is. And why is it that YOU are the weakest link? Because if you build a future with 99 and somebody let slip what the story really was, you may have lost it all.

If 99 loves you, and want to be with you, this might not change if you show him honesty, courage and show him that you care enough for him to be honest.

And 1? Well, he is already in a relationship, and he was only a one night stand, you have no reason to think he would drop all to be with you, or support you. He might support his child when it is born, if it is indeed his, but you dont know that.

So, honesty, and paternity testing. Surely the way to go. Maybe 99 would turn around and say "Honey, I will happily raise the child with you, even if it should turn out not to be mine". It could happen.