Possible father of my child gone totally AWOL

[99to1]

For reasons too complicated to go into, there are two possible fathers of my 6 month foetus. I know it's bad so there's no point judging me as I've done that enough for everyone.

One is 99% likely to be the dad (I'll call him 99)
One is 1% likely to be the dad (I'll call him 1)

99 doesn't know about 1, and is totally behind me, wants to be supportive, wants the child, wants a full on relationship marriage etc He has no idea that there is any chance the baby isn't his. I'm 99% sure he is the dad because we were having a lot of unprotected sex around the time I conceived. I want him to be the dad.

1 does know about 99. When I told him I was pg it never even crossed his, or my, mind that he could be the dad (it was a one-off and we'd used a condom). Then my doubts started creeping in and I told him about them. He told me not to be so ridiculous but that if it did turn out that way he'd be totally there for me. I last saw him in June when I again mentioned my worries, he replied "God are you still on about that? what's it matter anyway, 99 will never know". I was a bit stunned by this as it obviously matters, there is no way I would have 99 unknowingly bringing up another man's child. Since that meeting I've heard nothing. Our friendship had complicated dynamics around our history together, but it was a genuine friendship and there was love. For the past few years he has been pestering me to start a relationship with him but I told him it wasn't going to happen (mainly because of 99). I am stunned he could be so heartless and unsupportive at this time, in addition to being surprised that he wouldn't jump at the chance to get what he wants even if it's because of an unplanned pregnancy. It takes two to tango and I want him to face up to it since I have to too.

It seems like 1 has slunk away from our friendship and is hoping to slink away from his responsibilities as a father, if he is the father. I want to make sure this doesn't happen but I don't know how to handle it. I can only really communicate with 1 now by text or phone, or MSN/email as we never have cause to see each other. As I say, since June he has been incommunicado. Alternatively I think it's possible that he is totally convinced that 99 is the father, and he is finding that hard to deal with, and that might be why he's gone AWOL. I could be wrong.

Notwithstanding that none of you would've been stupid enough to get into this situation in the first place, what would you do?

I don't mean to be harsh, I have a 7mo DS with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, and when I was pregnant I wanted to have everything defined and "sorted out" before the arrival (he was being a dick, disappeared for months at a time etc). Unfortunately, like a lot of things in pregnancy, men's feelings/actions can't be controlled. So probably the best thing you could do in this situation is concentrate on yourself and just let it play out - at least until after the birth, then if you still feel strong doubts arrange a DNA test with 1.

He isn't the possible father (incredibly unlikely) and he hasn't gone AWOL, you can still phone/MSN him/ What he has done is very sensible, he's backed off from someone who is 99.9 percent pregnant with someone else's child and who is having a relationship with them and not him. I don't see this as heartless, he's ducking out of a very difficult situation. You are upset as you obviously still would like him to be running after you, and am missing his company. However, carrying on a friendship which is sexual when you are about to start a family life with someone else is a very dangerous game to play. He may have done the right thing here.

you can't get a dna test without 99 knowing (unless your plan was to secretly get 1 to have a test, and take your baby secretly to have the test too). I think that in telling 1 that it might be his you have put yourself in a position where you have to fess up to 99, otherwise you and 1 will always have a guilty secret together. If you really want marriage with 99, its not fair to start it out so dishonestly.

Am actually fairly at "I am stunned he could be so heartless and unsupportive at this time, in addition to being surprised that he wouldn't jump at the chance to get what he wants even if it's because of an unplanned pregnancy."

So you think that 1 should be hanging about hoping that he is the father of your baby, as if he is you will dump 99 for him, and you think that this is what 1 ought to want? You seem to me to be trying to keep 1 on the end of a string, the whole time, keeping him as backup with yourself in the position to choose whichever of these lucky blokes takes your fancy.

I am not (I hope) being judgy about the circumstances of your baby's conception, we all make mistakes, but rather at the way you seem to see yourself as such a prize, and genuinely puzzled as to why 1 might not want to know. You are trying to put him in the position of acting like a father when it is almost certain he is not.

what would I do? Have a DNA test through the jeremy Kyle show.

could you ever be sure that 1 won't turn up in 1/5/10 years time mouthing off that he could be the father? do you really want that hanging over you?

So you want 2 men dancing attendance on you throughout this pregnancy?

The friendship and support you want 1 to offer is completely unfair to 99.

You want to carry on pretending to play happy families with him while you and another "friend" sneak about behind his back making back up plans for if the baby isn't his?

Fucking hell

Really, cut 99 loose. He doesn't deserve this treatment.

And this baby deserves better than this.

Not being sure who the father of your baby is can happen for good reasons.

But indulging this kind of manufactured drama at the expense of the father of your child is really, really crap. I pity everyone involved. Except you.

"It seems like 1 has slunk away from our friendship and is hoping to slink away from his responsibilities as a father, if he is the father."

"Alternatively I think it's possible that he is totally convinced that 99 is the father, and he is finding that hard to deal with, and that might be why he's gone AWOL. I could be wrong."

Yes I think you might be wrong.

I think he is hiding from a woman he shagged once, with protection, who is now trying to get him to promise to take paternal responsibility for a baby who is almost certainly not his.

In short:

• he doesn't think he is the father
• he doesn't find the idea that 99 is the father hard to deal with at all
• he is not hoping to slink away from his responsibilities as a father, as he doesn't think they are any
• he thinks you have gone weird on him and is avoiding YOU because you are starting to worry him

Sorry that is harsh of me, but it seems so plain to me from what you write that you just can't see that he doesn't think he is the father and isn't interested.

He hasn't really vanished though you have contact via MSN and phone, considering that you were unfaithful with him, no longer meeting each other is a good thing in my book.

Balloon has hit the nail on the head. 1 has made himself history, as would I in his shoes. Chances of him popping up at a later date and rocking the boat are non-existent at best. So your choices are:

1. Shut up forever, stay with 99 and build a lovely life for your baby
2. Tell 99 everything and take your chances

Did 1 know that you were sleeping with 99 at the same time as him? I know he knew you were together, but did he realise that in the same week you'd slept with 99?

I'm with BalloonSlayer as well. I think he's finally come to his senses, realised you are having a baby with another man and decided that the best thing to do for you all is to remove himself from your life and leave you to make the best life you can with 99. It sounds like the most sensible thing to do given past events and your history with him. It's incredibly unlikely he's the father, and he isn't interested in getting into some very convoluted Jeremy Kyle "Who's the Daddy?" drama with you.

At the moment, you sound like you are affronted that he is no longer "pursuing" you, whilst in reality he's probably just decided to bow out gracefully as he's can't be doing with any more drama after all these years.

God no, I don't want 1 dancing/running after me, I don't want friendship with him. There'd be no sneaking about behind 99's back so I obviously wasn't very clear on that issue - we are now in a relationship. A few months ago I thought 1 and I we could continue to be friends but not now. I didn't 'cheat' as such, it's more complicated than that, but I know it sounds bad.

I have a genuine worry that 1 could, by some fluke, be the dad and be nowhere to be found so yes if that's the case I do want and expect his support - whether that's just financial or more (contact etc) would be up to him and I wouldn't try to block it. I don't want him to act like a father throughout my pregnancy - just not to have cut me off like he has.

I realise I'm better off shut of 1. The rational consensus here is that there is no chance of the father being 1, and I'm glad to hear it. I'm not really that knowledgable about condoms and their effectiveness, haven't had that many sexual partners believe it or not so never had cause for them. It was a drunken mistake, it won't happen again. I know I'm no prize but I also know 1 wanted the relationship - I appreciate it came across a little like that but it's not honestly what I think.

Anyway it was good to get your honest opinions and I'm grateful for them. I know I sound like a lunatic and a terrible person, and in this case I have been, and I don't blame you for being harsh.

From my own experience, being friends and there being question marks over paternity (especially if it's going to be a topic of conversation), aren't compatible.

You've found something out about 1; that he's not actually your friend. Okay, sucks, but at least it's 1 acting like that and not 99.

You can do a DNA test after the birth, subtly if you like (toothbrush/hair/etc), if you want to know for sure.

OP you say there is a chance 1 could be the father. You have your reasons for thinking so, therefore nobody cannot conclude with certainty that 99 is the father. There is a still a chance (no matter how small) that 1 is the father. On this issue, I believe you can only resolve it once the baby is born, so no point fretting and wondering about what to do about that.

I think the major issues are over the relatioships. How come 99 does not know about 1?
You say you intend to build a relationship with 99, but what about the elephant in the room? How can you build a good relationship when there is deception hanging over your relationship and the baby's paternity?

I am not sure this will not work, and will most likely make the situation worse. I think there will always be a chance of 'the secret' coming out, and by then, what if you have build a relationship and a family with 99? What if you have more kids etc. The fallout over this deception will be even be greater than at present.
It's your life, but I think you should think very very carefully about what you do next, and how this will impact on your life. Will you live with yourself? Do you now?

Actually activate, if the OP was having sex with 99 without protection but he didn't come inside her, while having sex with 1 using a condom, it's a dead heat between these two approaches as to who's likelier to be the babydaddy. The 2 methods are about equally (in)effective. Used how most people use them, about 1 in 6 couples will get pg in a year either way.

Rather than talking about 99 and 1, she should perhaps be talking about '87' and '83'. If 87 was coming inside her and making no attempt to withdraw, then it's different and he is likelier...

If though the OP was having sex with 2 blokes at the same time, and 99 doesn't know this, then his 'support' is offered based on his ignorance of

• the doubtfulness of paternity
• the shakiness of the OP's commitment and readiness to settle down
• being lied to.

Stable families typically don't result from situations where one parent is surreptitiously fucking other people at the same time.

By analogy, if he were to say that he stands fully by her but oh by the way he's got someone else pg as well, would that change the OP's view of him?

I think she should fess up, get tested and hope the relationship withstands the shock while assuming it won't.

On a practical note she's going to have to register the birth within 6 weeks and either name the father on that form or leave it blank. If 99 wants to be named, what does she do? Risk perjury by naming him even though he moght not be the dad? Leave it blank and have to explain why she can't put his name?

If she says he's the dad but it turns out he isn't, could he not argue that she lied under oath to get him to pay for the kid, meaning she owes him the money back?

Just been online to find out how long it takes to get a DNA test done. I looked at the site called www.dadcheck.com.

They say:

"We can offer rapid results turnaround ? particularly for those urgent cases, e.g. for registering a baby?s birth certificate."

I think births have to be registered within six weeks, don't they?

I think this would be the best thing to do. I wouldn't tell 99%. I would make sure I had something to test him with, then when the baby was born I'd get something DNA there and send it off the day the baby was born. I would be desperate to know.

Meanwhile 99 gets leaned on and lied to, tells all his friends, family and workmates he's going to be a dad and how happy he is he's finally found someone who cares about him.

Then 6 weeks after the birth he finds out he isn't the daddy after all, his world falls apart and he has to go back and tell all the same people how he's been humiliated.

He could have been told all this now, but he wasn't because the OP was hoping to get away with lying to him. Her fallback plan of keeping both of them on the end of string didnt work either.

So instead she does nothing and lies on the birth certificate....then in 15 years' time junior is in an accident and needs a blood transfusion, and bugger me if s/he isn't B rhesus positive while both 'parents' are group O!

Or they have another one, and the other one needs a bone marrow transplant, and the obvious donor is the full sibling...who turns out to be a half-sibling.

The selfishness and the utter contempt being shown for the men and the baby in all this is just breathtaking. The OP obviously doesn't love any of them because this is not how you treat people you care about.

I'm not saying I condone this, but you can easily get a dna without telling 99.

I think as the others have said, it's obvious that 99 is the dad. You'll probably always have a nagging thought of 'what if...' but tbh, you're just going to have to deal with that.

I'm not being judgey, am not in anyway whiter than white, I'm just saying this is the consequence of your actions, and it's really not the worst that could have happened.

You owe it to 99, and to your baby, to keep schtum.

1 has done you a huge favour by slinking off like this, I wouldn't persue him tbh.

99to1 = heartless

It's not possible to say who's more likely the father on the basis of the information given. If the unprotected sex consisted of withdrawal and the protected sex consisted of condom use then the chances of either man being the father are about the same.

Either 99 or 1 would run a mile from the OP if they read this thread and knew they were in it.

Totally agree with Pootles above.

I don't think a DNA test would do you any good at all. 99 is almost certainly the father and is prepared to be the father. I think you should give your baby the chance of a loving father, something that many kids don't have through no fault of their own (or their mothers').

Apart from anything else, it may be sortable anyway. My DS looked so much like my DH from the moment he was born, it was unreal. Now that's not panicworthy re 1, because 99 is unlikely from what you've said, to go 'Oh, my baby looks just like that bloke 1', since he doesn't even know about him (or know him at all?) but you may find your mind is set at rest anyway, is what I'm saying.

Do you love 99? You say you're not in a relationship with him, but not how you feel about him yourself.

Where has this theory about withdrawal in the sex with 99 originated? (I wanted to say 'come from' ) I haven't read that in any of the OP's posts.

80s chick

She's simply said "unprotected sex" whatever that means. If by that the OP means he withdrew but nothing else, and if she does not know that withdrawal and condoms are about equally ineffective, then the whole premise that 1 bloke is far likelier to be the father would fall apart, because it's would then be based on her ignorance of contraception, not on the facts.

As it stands, bloke 1 thinks he's definitely the father, bloke 2 thinks he's definitely not the father, the OP thinks bloke 1 is almost certainly the father, and they're probably all wrong (bloke 1 is definitely wrong in the OP's view).

Bloke 1 "is totally behind me, wants to be supportive, wants the child, wants a full on relationship marriage etc" but the OP is wrong about this. He's being lied to about key facts are being hidden from him, eg "He has no idea that there is any chance the baby isn't his". So we have no idea what he'd do if he knew the real situation rather than relying on lies.

Bloke 2 thinks my god, what a psycho, she's knocked up by someone else and still chasing me? puff of dust and small pebbles He's right to do this.

The OP avers that "there is no way I would have 99 unknowingly bringing up another man's child", but has no idea whether she's doing so or not, and is happy to lie to him for the rest of their lives. Meanwhile many voices have chimed in to advise exactly this course, because 99, 1 and the baby's interests obviously count for nothing.

The baby is 100% sure to be lied to by its mother - about its paternity and about why mummy and daddy split up.

Honestly, imagine if a bloke wrote in here to say he was bonking two women and one's pregnant; the one knows about the other but not vice versa; he's told the latter he'll marry her and wants to be a dad, but doesn't really want to marry either; so should he dump her now, or hope she miscarries and then he can carry on shagging and lying to both of them?

So today we looked at the letter M and the words "morally incompetent". I'm not talking about 1 bloke behind another's back, I'm talking about the reaction to the consequences of this.