I think I've decided I can't be arsed to find ''the one''.

[toptramp]

I am so bored of the dating scene. I am bored of having to make myself ''pleasing'' too men. i'm bored of the games, the agonising, the abusive control freaks and the assumption that I must be looking for a husband.
I wouldn't mind the occasional shag but even that can be overrated and i am pretty sure that I don't want more kids. I think I want to take up pottery again and just get really into art, focus on dd, being myself and my spiritual path. I am so bored of this assumption that we have to be in a couple to be fullfiled and I'm fed up of getting hurt. I will probably be on here winging again soon about how I can't keep a man but at the moment I am not at all lonely without one in my life.

Liking the turn this thread's taken at the moment :) I remember a friend coming out from London to visit me on one of my travels. We were in an idyllic setting, diving off a boat into a warm, turquoise ocean, local chap slowly gathering his nets under the cliffs.
She said "I wish I didn't have to go back to real life!"
"Friend," I said, "This is real life. The boatman, the fisherman and the cafe ownewr live this every day."
She did a lot of "Yes, Buts ... "

The Yes Buts got me in the end. I thought I "should" come back and have another go at what my friend termed real life. It was the wrong choice. I now can't afford, and am not well enough, to pick up that dream again. Oddly enough, the same friend packed it all in to follow her personal dreams - and is gloriously happy, from what I gather.

Any readers who are looking for The One because they feel they "should" find him ... forget about should. Have another go at your dreams

This is a lovely thread and one that's very close to my own heart. I think I've reached the same conclusion as a lot of you, that there's no such thing as a life-long relationship and that Prince Charming doesn't exist. I'm a lot older than the rest of you (almost 54) and always used to think that growing old alone would be a fate worse than death but actually the older I get the more unlikely I think it is that I'll find someone who can actually enhance my life. And guess what? I don't bloody care anymore!

I'm actually much more contented on my own after years in abusive, controlling or just plain boring relationships. I have a child who gives me all the company I need and being a bit of a loner at heart need plenty of solitude or I start feeling stressed. I miss the sex from time to time and then just remind myself that it gets boring after a while and what a chore it used to be with ex-H. Suppose if someone truly extraordinary turned up I might consider it but I'm sure as hell not looking for it anymore. What makes it difficult is how society still seems to view singletons but I do think that's beginning to change.

SAF, I really hope you are right :) wouldn't it be great if single people (women, actually because I think single men are viewed as "catches" rather than sad specimins) were looked upon as courageous rather than with slight pity?!

Well, I've just blown off the guy I was starting a "thing" with...I think my bar is set so high now that any perceived issue is just a non starter for me. I can't be doing with having to prop up someone with more insecurities than me! I got the slightest sinking feeling last night following a text conversation with him and that was enough for me to end it. If I ever get involved with someone again it will be someone who gives more than they take.

Have I become completely self absorbed & selfish or am I just learning to respect my own boundaries at long last?!

I feel better this morning funnily enough, knowing that I don't have to bother shaving my legs on Saturday just in case :)

When I hit 35 I made myself a list of all the things that were better now than when I was 20 and it was a surprisingly long list, something like:

• more interesting job
• better home
• more money
• better holidays
• better-dressed - you've figured out what clothes suit you
• probably better-looking (Harrison Ford and Princess Diana are obvious examples of people who were miles better looking at ~40 than ~20)
• you've found out who your real friends are (and even if it's nobody, this is better than thinking they are when they're not)
• you can spot a good 'un or a wrong 'un a mile off
• you can get sex more easily
• you are better at it
• but you can get by without it
• you've largely stopped taking any shit
• you are smarter. Imagine being 20 again and having to be that stupid for another 15 years
• you're getting used to being just you

I bet most of the above applies to most people, whether attached or not. Shit always looms large and the good stuff comes on you gradually so you don't notice it. But most of the above applies to most people I reckon.

So if you are unattached at this point you can reasonably ask, What is this person going to add to my life?

The criticism of this outlook is that it's an argument for getting obstinately set in your ways, but so F what - if your ways are the rights ways who's to tell you different?

Apocalypto, I'd like to sign your manifesto too!

Have I become completely self absorbed & selfish or am I just learning to respect my own boundaries at long last?

Sounds like the latter to me, shapelybottom.

i think you can have a few The Ones in your life, i have been madly in love a few times and felt at the time he was the one

for me having a casual relationship is much better and what i want in my life right now. i do not need full time companionship now that is for when i am older. I may change my mind if i fall madly in love with a wonderful man but its just not up there with things i feel i need to do right now

i have just been finished with by someone i was seeing because he didn't want a relationship, funny that because it was exactly what i had said to him the week before maybe he was just beign kind, who knows but i am not going to spend time analyzing it or replying to his are you ok texts

Ok, so we are agreed that there are definite benefits to being older and, dare I say it, wiser? (perhaps more self aware would be a better description?) :)

I am so very glad that I now am in more of a position to model self respect to my kids, rather than when I was in my 20s trying to mould myself into someone worthy of acceptance. Now I flipping well accept myself, warts and all, and if people don't like it tough. It can't be a bad thing.

FS, the "are you ok" texts are very egotistical aren't they? Subtext: "I'm so wonderful she's bound to be crying her eyes out and eating her own bodyweight in chocolate because I ditched her".

Apocalypto, I'm still working on several items on your list there

oh yes it is totally about his ego. first one i politely replied yes i am good thanks. next day how are you, felt like replying you asked me that yesterday but ignored it. then this morning are you ok? now he is really concerned poor guy :o that i might actually be fine.

i do get a lot of pressure from female friends to find someone special for myself but then they are mostly still trying to find the one, just about to get married to a total prick great guy and really can not beleive that i am happy beign on my own

FS, you have him confused

I find that other people my mum get really worried about me growing old alone and being eaten by alsations. It's sort of funny in a way that they can't trust me to know what I want for myself!

@ Freudian

that always irritates the crap out of me.

somebody who assumes you must be distraught because you're not dating them any more.

it is like people / friends who phone you up after ages and say "sorry I've not been in touch I've just been soooo busy!" [with stuff that's more interesting and important than you are].

If I'm out of touch with someone for a while I always reconect by saying "sorry I've not been in touch, but fuck all's been happening and I've absolutely no news of any kind".

@ msshapelybottom

you may be missing a few on my list but I'm sue you could also add a few to it, no?

'wouldn't it be great if single people (women, actually because I think single men are viewed as "catches" rather than sad specimins) were looked upon as courageous rather than with slight pity?!'
agree msb and that's why I think we need a name for it, as op suggested (not batchelorette, but something a with more positive associations than spinster!)

Apocalypto: yes, I shall add my own non financially related ones :)

1. More in touch with my spiritual side
2. Able to turf big hairy spiders out of house without help
3. Have a better idea of what career I want to chase when the kids are a wee bit bigger and the determination to see it through this time.
4. Not afraid of my own company any more in fact I relish time alone.
5. Great cheekbones, finally lost the round baby face!
6. I know what I want/don't want in my life now.

ninah, yes, a new name...even "singleton" is a bit wishy washy and patronising.

Freemale?
I used to say (cringes at memory of 16yr old self) I'm a WO-man! :) Like, Whooa-man...geddit?

orb, I like WOman :) reminds me of the poem Mike Myers performs at the start of "So I Married an Axe Murderer". Another good reason not to get involved with anyone

I don't know; I'm kind of glad that "spinster" has died out and not been replaced by another noun. Makes it less likely that singledom can be used as a defining status, iyswim.

Alternatively, I know someone who refers to herself as a "groovy spinster", which I quite like.

What a great thread!

I love my independence, after a few too many rubbish relationships (including DV).
I've learnt to travel alone, do most of my own DIY, and am proud of the fine young man I've brought up alone..

When I do feel the lack of a relationship (I'm not perfect! ), I just read some of the relationship threads about bullying partners and interfering MILs!
Ah, what a blissful life in comparison!

Like some other posters, the last time I saw a man I fancied was abroad.....

And should I meet another "Mr Right Now", I'll only consider it if he's got something to give, not just take/use.
My red flag radar is very high now.

I always like to joke that I want to grow old disgracefully

I love your list Apocalypto

I don't know if I am 'better looking' now, I am 42 soon, but I have grown into my body and looks and am more confident about myself, which is kind of ironical because it gets me attention I can't handle. And mostly, don't really want.

And I chuckled at being 20 again and being that stupid for another 15 yrs

suburbophobe, I know what you mean about being alert to red flags and to a certain extent I think I would be a walking red flag to anyone else.

I am, and have been on a long 'journey', in achieving much of what is on Apocalypto's list, but I know I am an emotional yo-yo so, and I wouldn 't want to be involved with me so wouldn't impose myself on anyone..

And the ones that do show interest have usually indicated interest in my 'packaging' which kind of puts me off, I can't explain this well, but I don't want compliments on my appearance, or to be flirted with because of a dress I wear, as if it is an invitation.
I want someone to see passed it..
The one person that I felt connected to that has never made a personal comment, but made me feel like a person, and then subsequently as a result, an 'attractive' one (but not because of what I wear or how I look, but something I can't explain) is off limits.

Wow, this is encouraging! I am single and have been single for 8 years now, have never married or lived with a partner, and am very glad of the fact. It would have driven me nuts. I have had a couple of long-term monogamous relationships (two and a half years was the longest) but found I wasn't keen on being part of a couple so stopped doing it.
Mind you I am boggled by some people's misunderstanding of fuckbuddies. It's perfectly OK to like the person who is your FB, you just don't have to commit to them or engage in monogamy if you don't want to.

Sub, here's to growing old disgracefully, I love the sound of that!

Mittzy, I think I know what you mean, I have only ever felt a real connection with someone who is interested in what goes on in my mind as well as my appearance - the only person recently I felt this with was, like yours, unavailable.

Springchicken THANK YOU I knew fuckbuddy was the way to go......that's what I want, if I meet someone I like enough to sleep with (doubtful!!) Preferably a cop one. Fireman at a push.