I think I've decided I can't be arsed to find ''the one''.

[toptramp]

I am so bored of the dating scene. I am bored of having to make myself ''pleasing'' too men. i'm bored of the games, the agonising, the abusive control freaks and the assumption that I must be looking for a husband.
I wouldn't mind the occasional shag but even that can be overrated and i am pretty sure that I don't want more kids. I think I want to take up pottery again and just get really into art, focus on dd, being myself and my spiritual path. I am so bored of this assumption that we have to be in a couple to be fullfiled and I'm fed up of getting hurt. I will probably be on here winging again soon about how I can't keep a man but at the moment I am not at all lonely without one in my life.

Hi all. I have concluded that I and I alone am responsible for my own happiness. I don't want to get married particularly unless I meet the most amzing person and I certainly don't want any more emotionally abusive knobbers to cross my path. I crave solitude. I crave my own space. I need peace and I don't want to spend my life compromising. I will leave it up to fate. I am so sick of drama dn I am going to choose the quiet life. Independence is good.

toptramp: hear hear!

I used to think relationships end because they each have a natural lifespan. It can be months or decades, but eventually you move away from each other and postponing eventually is just flogging a dead horse.

Increasingly I think the same is true of the whole idea of being in a relationship at all. It can grow off you.

They can at times be such a fucking pain in the arse that you look back yearningly to the days when every moment was your own. You just don't want another one.

You did pottery, art, went for runs with your Walkman, or whatever, and sex was 5 minutes every 3 months with your right hand, or whenever your itch needed scratching. You didn't live in anybody else's mess, you didn't have to clear anybody else's crap off the bathroom floor before you could use the bathroom, the toilet was always flushed, your stuff was always exactly where you left it, you were the only person who read your text messages, and you never came home to find the car crashed, the bath overflowing through the kitchen ceiling, or the house a fucking tip. You always liked what there was for dinner and...it was just bliss, basically.

Being with someone is a very, very, very mixed blessing. If I were the OP I'd pass on it all for 4 or 5 years and see what if anything I actually miss about it.

If it turns out that all you really miss is someone to donate sperm and cash, possibly without his knowledge, then this I suggest is nature's way of telling you you aren't relationship material.

Sort of hear you here OP, I'd like someone with whom I had an understanding, company, benefits, sort of 'there' for each other, but not there.

I am doing fine with the DC's although it is hard work, my dream is to stabilise my finances and secure my future a bit, create more opportunities for the DC's, but I'd like to do it mostly independently,

The whole fitting in with someone again idea is so freaky, maybe in time, who knows,
I have been given some attention but am either completely not interested or just too meh to bother .

Apoc spot on there. I love having things where I left them. Nothing broken or moved while I was out. And what I want in the fridge staying in the fridge ready to be eaten by the use by date in an orderly fashion Plus, ex had a penchant for eating my chocolate IN the fridge as quickly as poss so that I wouldn't see (mainly because he'd chastise me for eating too much choc) resulting in chocolate mess all inside the door/veg drawer and on the floor by fridge.

Now my snickers are my own! And my knickers for that matter. Quite nice knowing it's only me who knows if I have on the largest pg pants known to mankind

nice thread.

i've been single since i conceived ds about 5 years ago. had a couple of boyfriends, each no longer than a few months. the last one was about a year and a half ago and i got so emotionally attached and twattish but can now see i was actually just high as a kyte from having fantastic sex 4 or 5 times a day for a couple of months after having abstained for a couple of years and turned into some kind of sex junky

my rule when i was younger and had split from a really difficult but loved relationship was the 2 month rule - never leave it longer than 2 months without having sex or the next man you do shag you'll think you're in love with just because you've forgotten how sex makes you feel. i think i was quite wise in my 20's

now though i'm lucky to meet someone i'd actually want to have sex with more than once every 2 years so i just have to cope with learning not to confuse my first shag in years with falling in love. tragic!

i agree that as awful as this sounds relationships can sort of be something you grow out of over time. like you look at them and the whole concept seems sort of immature and fantasy land based when the reality is so not the same as what you were desperately looking for in your teens and early 20's. i don't know but suspect i may be forever single bar the odd fling. or maybe i'll get lonely when i'm old and change things.

@ Orbinator

Thanks, glad it's not just me. You can't really air this theory out in normal conversation because few people will openly agree their relationship has a sell by date.

I'm unconvinced by the argument that fuck buddies are bad. I have sort of had them in the past when single and they've always been an unalloyed Good Thing.

Eg it is pretty clear to both of you that the recreational fucking will end if it ever becomes rubbish. You're a contractor, not payroll. So you work hard at making it good for each other every time. If there's something you like to do in bed, then as long as it doesn't involve pain or poo it happens, because otherwise why are you both there? Ideally it's occasional enough that it is an occasion, i.e. you don't slip into each other like a pair of boring old slippers.

You're also less at risk of the hazard SoCalledFeminist points out, which is missing sex so much you get confused between loving the sex and loving who you're doing the sex with. Where that leads I reckon is that you fuck someone, anyone, because you're gagging for it, and then don't get rid when you shoulda.

Your fuck buddy takes the heat and the need out of you for a bit and then you can look at someone you were sizing up much more dispassionately. I've backed right off people I thought I fancied, because after my FB popped the randy bubble I was less keen than I thought.

I've no clues on where to find FBs unfortunately. Mine were always with people I'd never really hit it off with in relationship terms, but who I couldn't stop myself lusting after.

it's a lot to do with dopamine and oxytocin apparently - like there is actually a real biochemical reason, rather than just being an emotional fuckwit, for confusing sex and love. it's a dodgy game i think, your brain chemistry is stacked against you managing loveless sex (unless the sex is crap and the person totally unattractive to you in which case what on earth would be the point in it anyway?) without emotional fallout.

i also don't fancy it. i think i enjoyed it when i was younger but now i don't really understand why i'd have sex with someone i didn't also have feelings for because that's where the intensity and the joy of it comes from for me - that it is a physical + emotional experience that has a depth of pleasure and aliveness in it. i can't see just physical sex really doing it for me i'm afraid.

so i guess i better go with the celebacy thing and run the gauntlet of heart break when i do meet someone i want to have sex with and accept that's how it is for me.

i just don't get how you have sex with someone you don't really fancy and like, and if you do really fancy and like them then how do you not develop deeper feelings? i know some can do one or the other but i can't.

also, at risk of being sexist here, there are not that many men who are really, really good in bed. i don't want rubbish sex. and when i find someone who is really, really good in bed i want to hang onto them.

TopTramp, I'd like to sign your manifesto!

Swap? I'll take the pottery and you can have DH? He might not be the one. But he is one of them.

Only joking.

A bit.

In my late 20s I gave it all up. I went for 4 years without a partner/realtionship/date/shag. After an initial adjustment period I didn't miss it a bit. I went travelling on my own, concentrated on my career and generally lived my life as I wanted to. I was only tempted back to looking at men speculatively when I had a sudden, raging attack of broodiness in my early 30s.

I met DH when I was out on a night, specifically not looking at men for me, but for my flatmate. After 10 years of marriage, I'm quite happy with him. Should he die/leave me I sorely doubt I'll bother again. I've seen what life is like without a partner, and it's not scary, it's actually quite a lot of fun.

After a long succession of boozers, users and losers, I decided that I couldn't be bothered any more, and am quite happy on my own now. I don't think there's really any such thing as "The One", so after many years membership of the Crap Boyfriend/Husband Club, I resigned my membership!

I don't believe in The One. And I say that as someone very happily married to a thoroughly decent chap with whom I plan to grow old and cheerfully incontinent.

Tim Minchin has it right - if I weren't with my lovely husband I would be with some other equally acceptable chap. Or not. There's not any magic match.

@ SCF

Agree it would be hard to both like and fancy someone but then leave it at just that.

My FB "arrangements", all 3 of them, all started out being more than that but the relationship either never really got off the ground or faltered before the lust fizzled out.

I had one that lasted well into my 30s. We slept together a few times a year, stopped doing so whenever the other was dating someone, then started again when those relationships ended. We got on much better as friends than as a couple. The intimate details of our relationships were about the only thing we didn't share. My FB would be staggeringly blunt at times about what was going on in my conventional relationships, but was very rarely wrong - and in fact accurately predicted I would have kids with my current partner.

It felt at the time like this was somehow special, as though I had someone looking out for me without wanting a piece of me. We haven't spoken in over 6 years but if it all fell apart with the OH today, I would pick up the phone tomorrow, and I reckon the call would be taken.

As I say, I don't know how you would search for and find something like this and maybe it's not a typical fuck buddy relationship at all.

This thread is feeling more and more like my spiritual home!

I am about to embark on something of an unknown with a guy I've been friends with for about 8 months. There is definitely a physical attraction between us which we both want to explore, we get on really well, but neither of us want a "proper" relationship. How this will work I don't know, but I'm going to keep in mind the chemical rush about sex and try to keep an emotional distance. I do think it must be possible to forge something which although not a traditional partnership, does involve feelings & support but maintains each person's independence.

I've tried having a fuck buddy before, but I definitely got confused about the whole rush of having sex with actual "feelings"! I got hurt, and badly, but looking back I can see it wasn't real.

I wonder what it takes for people to realise that they are done with relationships (whether temporary or more permanent)? For me, having spent the past couple of years bouncing from one fling to another, being celibate for the past year and believing I needed to find a man, I finally kissed someone I really like (see above!!) and thought "oh shit, I like being single" I panicked at the thought of getting entangled in something serious and losing my new found independence!

I've been listening to Adele's album "21" this week and the lyrics to some of the songs make me want to throw things....in "one and only" she begs to be given a chance to prove she's worthy, in "someone like you" she's obsessing about finding a replica of a past love. If this is the kind of crap being peddled is it any wonder why some, if not most, people believe they can't be happy alone?

I find the longer I spend alone, the more irritated I get at societies ideal for people to be in neat couples. It's as if single people are a threat to civilisation or something!

Given all of that, I sometimes still envy my friends who are raising their families in 2 parent homes, I miss the sense of support, having someone else to share the load. Being single with children is exhausting and has forced me to draw on reserves I didn't know I had. I have had to let my standards slip because I simply can't do everything myself all at once!

Argh. An essay! But such an interesting topic :)

but she's young isn't she and we're not 21 anymore, things change, it's a journey.

and being over relationships doesn't have to be a fixed, all behind us thing, it can mean that at this point in life we don't need or want one but that later we might feel differently. things can be fluid.

SoCalledFeminist. I agree with that. And for me anyway that overlap between the two groups of people 1) that I might want to sleep with, but 2) not enough to even try to have a relationship with... that group would be so tiny, it'd be almost as hard as finding one of the ones!

To be honest, it is 'me' rather than my perception of a partner that makes me reticent about the thought of a relationship.

I finally think I know what I want and who I am out of/in life, and think I would be less compromising than I have been up till now, (I am 42(nearly)). This is as a result of breaking a long history of being in controlling relationships, so to be fair, I am not familiar with what it is like to be with someone who I just can be me with.
Suppose I am not sure how likeable I am with my values because someone has always tried to change me so just being by myself is safe.

SAF - I haven't seen anyone I fancy since I got to Australia nearly 2y ago! Just as well seein' as how I'm married an' all but it does indicate that I'm really going to be in trouble if DH and I ever split.

I had a "slapper year" when I was in my early 30s - and I don't ever want to do that again. It was fun at the time but when it was over i was glad it was. I don't think I could do the fuckbuddy thing either (tried that too - didn't work - guy told me he loved me in a post-coital haze but he sooooo didn't mean it and that fucked with the whole situation as well)

I don't know if it's just age or responsibility that changes one's outlook on this - or perhaps it's declining hormones, who knows?

I feel the same as you, Mittzy.

I am currently enjoying pottery and other personal pursuits, and singledom, because I have always been in controlling relationships. Being alone is helping me learn not to need anyone else in my life; to discover what I like and do it; to discover who I am and be that person.

I've never believed in "the one". I still like the idea of having a companion, eventually, but my standards are now higher and I am much warier. And really not tempted by the idea of seeking out a relationship just for the sake of having one.

I know what I would like in a companion, though, to make it worth my while: somebody who knows himself, and is consequently wise enough to let me be myself, and who respects himself, and consequently respects me too.

Feels like a tall order to find, and I'm not even going to actively look for that. Just pootle along enjoying what I enjoy, for now.

Re standards, I think age makes you more alert and less tolerant of shit.

If I were single, shagged someone and next day the shower wasn't cleaned after use and the towels properly spread out to dry, they wouldn't be invited back. Why do I want to get busy picking someone else's bloody towels up off the floor? Equally if I went to round to theirs and their place was a tip, I would dump them. A slob can live in a tidy person's place (by wrecking it) but not vice versa.

I was a holiday rep in my early 20s and life in Alpine resorts is very easy come easy go. Relationships began and burnt out in a week. Afterwards I kept the phone numbers and for years had some hookups between seasons. Was never interested in taking any of it further because I knew what "RepLife" is like. But the FBs reminded me of happy times and a old life.

@ SaF

Sounds very familiar. In your memories did the Red Sea sun ever not shine?...never had a "two week rule" as such, but your Austrian mountain village had a disproportionate number of young people who were there because they were personable. If you got in too deep you just ended it, and if you wanted back in there was always someone new.

I knew I'd wake up one day and be 30 and still a rep. So I packed it in and went sensible, but between seasons the old crowd always came to London. They were as fun as ever, 2 in particular. But they had no plans, no ambition because the RepLife of lager, love and snowboarding was better than anything they'd imagined growing up in Croatia. They were even happy with the rubbish money.

So that I think is how you can think someone is fun, cool and fanciable but want nothing more....eventually they came to seem like that character in Friends, who Rachel fancied when they were at high school but they meet up and he still works at the same cinema when he's 30 because he gets to see all the movies for nothing...you move on, some people move with you or they move away.