What would you say if DH was being a bit crap and you were heavily pregnant?

[ThomCat]

If you were me and currently 37 weeks pregant, still working, at least up to the end of this week, had a 4 year old with special needs, and was still doing pretty much everything round the house. You'd done all the Xmas shopping and wrapped pressies, you'd bought your DD's birthday present s and wrapped them too, you had organised the nursery to have the carpets cleaned etc, you were helping to choose a new car and going through the disability mobility route, making appts for your daughter to see speech therapists etc, did all the food shopping, cooked most nights, did 80% of the child care, got up on Saturday and Sunday morning leaving your DH in bed etc (you get the gist!)

What would you say to your DP/DH to make him really sit up and start really pulling his weight, treating you like a Goddess and doing all he could to make you feel loved, cherished, rested etc etc?

And if he said to you while he was online and you were watching TV 'Can you blow your nose or something, you're breathing really loudly', and the reason you were breathing loudly was becasue you couldn't really breathe due to being horribly congested and blocked up since earlyish pregnancy - what would you say?

Just purely conversational!

I'd tell him to get to f*&^ about the nose thing. I honestly would.

I'd also make a list of things he needs to sort and if he didn't get htem done, I'd take the modem away so he couldn't get online.

Sorry, I'm rough, but I'm 38 weeks along now and I just don't have the strength or energy to handle everything now.

Like you, I'm still working till hte end of this week.

Haven't read all the replies but I think a simple "f-off" would suffice.

A bit crap? I'd say very crap.

Is he always like this- by which I mean does he ever do anything with Lottie/get up etc, or has his just been a bad few eeks. If he doesn;t I think you need to start training him to be honest because as you end up with 2 children getting older and 1 with SN he is going to have to help out otherwise life will be impossible.

I think a sensible discussion stating that he needs to get more invoved is needed really. He may have been able to get away with letting you do most stuff when you just had 1, but think that will have to change with 2.

I suspect you'll stil end up doing the DLA/appointments and form filling. It seems to be that way= but he can certainly get out of bed and give you a lie in or be more hands on. Otherwise you are going to struggle.

The getting up twice on the trot at the weekend doesn't happen usually, sorry I should have been clearer. That was just this weekend. He's crap, but not that crap. he does get up, and he was the one who went to her at 2am this morning. He does do some stuff, childcare, cooking but I'm doing the majority and lately I think too much. He was hungover this weekend and that's what I've really had enough of. In order to get through these last few weeks with our sanity intact he needs to really pull it out of the bag and sort it out.

Comments like 'breathing too loudly' - not allowed again, ever.
Two lie-ins on the trot - not allowed again, unless he is dying.
And in general he needs to go out less, be less hung over and miserable etc etc.

I'm really, really cross with him, but what I want to be is calm and happy and I want that asap.

Hopefully he'll buck up pronto but if he doesn't or slips agian, well, that's when I refer back to this thread and take your advice

I'd just say: 'Big change coming up, here are your new chores:

a)
b)
c)
d)
etc

Any comments?'

oi fuckwit am leaving in a few weeks and i dont mean with an overnight bag - am a bit fucked off so i thought you could look after the kid for a bit am off to find someone who actually gives a shit.

no that won't help with you wanting calm will it?

Things haven't changed that much since our mother's day except we also now get to go out to work as well as doing verything.

A few years ago I stopped cooking for DP except at weekends when I actually enjoy it. I cook for my two children and grab something for myself and DP has to get his own dinner when he comes home. He often doesn't eat until 10 or 11pm most nights. I still do the lion's share but this gives me back a little self respect.

I blame their mothers well someone has to be o blame and I can't blame myself.

buy him some ear plugs or cotton wool, dp breathes loudly when he has a cold and I am terribly light sleeper, I can hear dd through them as well, so no excuse for him not to still see to your dd if she wakes in the night.

Thomcat I haven't read the whole of this thread, so I don't know if anyone has repeated what I'm about to say.... but WHY are you doing all of this??

There are two issues here - one is "howdo I make dh treat me like a goddess/pull his weight" which is what you've asked but the other and main one for me is "why am I doing all this stuff? because as long as I do it, DH doesn't have to, so why would he if he has slight crappy-domestically tendencies?"

Specifically WHY on earth are you getting out of bed on Sat and Sunday, leaving him in bed? Just STAY in bed. What is he going to do, pull you out by your hair? He will have to get up and let you lie in.
WHY have you done all the shopping and wrapping? If the shopping is done, why don't you tell him "here are the presents, here is the paper, it all needs to be done by x date, I'm off to bed darling".

Methinks you are falling into the mad-martyred-mother-preggobrain-nesting-nuttiness which we all get. But you seem to have got worse than most, aided and abetted by oh-so-domestically-crap dh.

So. The rules.

1. Internet food shopping is your domain only. Otherwise write a list, give it to him, point him in the direction of the nearest 24hr mega tesco on a specified evening and go to bed early (otherwise you will be expected to put all of said shopping away. he will appreciate that he has to do it ALL BY HIMSELF if you are asleep and snoring gently).

2. You are not getting out of bed on a saturday or sunday before 9.30 am for the next 6 weeks, unless it is to rescue and feed screaming newborn. Non-negotiable.

3. Baked potatoes with cheese and/or yoghurt and/or beans on top is a good nutritious and healthy meal and all he is going to get if he expects you to do any cooking in the evenings. And your input is limited to putting them IN the oven, you take no responsiblity for taking them out and putting grated cheese on top. Similarly soup and toast. If he wants anything else in the evening he can cook it, and cook for you too.

4. You've done all the xmas presents etc but the stuff which remains to be done - tree, decorations, etc - is his. If he doesn't do it then there is no tree. This is NOT the time to be lugging foliage around, standing on stepladders to rearrange angels, etc etc.

5. Housework will also require his assistance. He needs to be able to put clothes in the machines, take them out and fold them. Ironing not necessary if he is really incapable - you can look crinkled for a few weeks. Ditto the odd hoover - I'm sure anyone who can spin decks with dexterity can guide a hoover head over a floor. Tell him he can play music and sing at the same time.

Thomcat you need to TELL him this stuff, write the odd list of "things that need to be done" (and yes, that includes stating the obvious, that won't be at all obvious to him), and REST. You can't get into the mode of doing all sorts of unnecessary things just to doubly prove to yourself how capable you are/hard-done by you are/crappy and unhelpful he is/etc etc which IS a trap you are falling into. It isn't good for you, for the baby, for lotty or your relationship.

Right hunny that is my rant over. And bear in mind that I am 32 weeks pregnant and am about to go to bed - at 8.45 - with, yes, a solitary baked potato in the oven and the cheese, ungrated, in the fridge. My DH won't be home until 9.30. When I told him I'd leave him a potato in the oven he said "oh thank you sweetie, that's kind". Bloody well trained, he is!!!!! xxxxxxx

well said pph!

(suggestion here - become TC's 'pregnancy' life coach !!"

Oh PPH, I laughed so much then, that is the best post ever!
I love you! Honestly, proper big belly laughs. i'm printing that off.
You are so, so right.
I have allowed it. I do just do stuff. I'm the sort of person who has to be doing something. I don't do chilling at home that much at all. I need to have a word with myself before i have a word with him
I'm going to read your post anopther 5 times and take something away from it. Thanks hon

Ohhhhhhhhh, just reead that again, it's fab.

PS - I don't usually get up twice on the trot, that was a one off but I wasn't v clear originally.

Right, off to p]startt o put your post into action!

D won't know what's hit him, TC, LOL.

Look after yourself, ya hear ?

For the ironing I only do mine and DD's now because apparently I am rubbish at it a few weeks of having train tracks down his shirt sleeves and he'll be like "it's ok I'll iron my own shirts!"

Cooking if he's in he gets fed with DD and I if not he makes his own.

I had a big talk with DP last night and he admitted he's not been pulling his weight and supporting me recently but I haven't been supporting him (bemused emoticon) and he knows he will have to do a lot more once DD2 is here.

Mmm, reading this TC you sound a bit like me. It's hard to "let go" of all the things you like to do, even if you're knackered. I'm a bit of a control freak really (didn't think so, but finally accepting I might be, just slightly ) and I do think everything will go to pot if I'm not doing it. It's hard to change that attitude, and I suppose to a certain extent, we've made our men like that. I was doing almost everything up until the end of my twin pregnancy - even driving to the hospital appointments the week before with the car seat back as far as possible and just about reaching the steering wheel, then I'd come back and cook and tidy up and clean, and I did get some sort of buzz from it. "Hey look at me, having two babies doesn't stop me from doing anything", but I don't think I did myself any favours looking back.

You need to chill a bit.

PPH - I hope you see this, i might CAT you to point it out.
I wasted no time at all. I told him that as of now I wasn't washing, cooking or doing any food shopping! I always think this, and have threatened it, but for some reason last night after your post, I just thought, 'right, that's it, it's happening'. He cooked dinner last night and then cleared up and I wrote out a list for him to do the shopping from. The cleaner had been yesterday so there wasn't much else to do!
But I went to bed and felt much, much happier.
Don't get me wrong, he's not a ogre or totally useless, he went shopping and cooked me a roast and cleared up etc on Sunday and he does do stuff, he just needs to do more, esp now. And I realise that part of the reason he doesn't is that I just always get there first. I'm Mrs Now, Mrs Organised, Mrs Just get on with it. So I'm stopping, at least for a while and am going to be Mrs Having a bath and an early night! Thanks

Hmmmm, maybe I am a bit of a control freak, never really seen myself that way but yeah. Like wjhen he hangfs up the washing - I always rehang it so it dries quicker/better and when he dresses Lottie I always end up swapping her top or socks or something! Yep, sounds a bit control freakish to me! Oh dear. I'm not that good at sitting doing nothing, I always find something that needs doing. I will try harder to just sit, cos let's face it, if I don't and I keep cracking on I can't really complain about him can I? He'd probably do more if I actually sat back and just gave him a chance! LOL, seems very obvious now, couldn't really see the wood for the trees before!

The washing! I'm the same, I just can't help it!
And when I moan about the ironing being left on the bed and it's only me that ever puts it away, poor DH then tries to help and I end up fishing socks out the pants drawer and t-shirts out the jumper drawer! I need to take my own advice, big time

LOL!

My DP is so out of touch he puts Pyjamma top on dd instead of normal top. Today I asked him to help me find DS's swimming trunks and he didn't know what they looked like.

hi tc!
don't worry - the reason I recognised your control freakery and doing-stuff-just-to -prove-how-capable-I-am-ness is because I suffer from the same thing!
I'm always cooking 3 course lunches for 15 people a week before giving birth with a martyred air on my face when actually they would all be just as happy either cooking for me or eating dh's perfectly adequately roasted chicken. But it IS a bit silly, and easier to say that when it is someone ELSE doing it rather than yourself.

And I did have a drinks party for 55 on saturday night which involved a lot of me lugging furniture around all of the day before when frankly it could have waited until dh got home and HE could have done it... so I'm really throwing stones in glass houses!!!!

I think a lot of mother have an element of the control freak in them. When DS goes to stay with at his grandparents I send two changes of clothes and my MIL always manages to mix them so he doesn't look right. I now have to send two changes where absolutely everything is interchangeable so she can't get it wrong.

Glad you are sorting him TC. And big sympathies on the breathing thing - I suffered with that in both pregnancies. DH spent loads of nights on the uncomfortable sofa bed because of it. But it disappeared immediately after the birth of each child.

Fantastic PPH, L&LOL! That's me to a tee. I'm so pleased I posted as I feel so much better and much less wound up in general with D I know I'll still crack on and do stuff, for example - I can't wait for D to be around so am making my dad take me shopping for the nursery wardrobe etc on Friday, I just have to do stuff now! But irritating chores - washing, cooking, shopping - I'll sit on my hands
and take a massive back seat.