What would you say if DH was being a bit crap and you were heavily pregnant?

[ThomCat]

If you were me and currently 37 weeks pregant, still working, at least up to the end of this week, had a 4 year old with special needs, and was still doing pretty much everything round the house. You'd done all the Xmas shopping and wrapped pressies, you'd bought your DD's birthday present s and wrapped them too, you had organised the nursery to have the carpets cleaned etc, you were helping to choose a new car and going through the disability mobility route, making appts for your daughter to see speech therapists etc, did all the food shopping, cooked most nights, did 80% of the child care, got up on Saturday and Sunday morning leaving your DH in bed etc (you get the gist!)

What would you say to your DP/DH to make him really sit up and start really pulling his weight, treating you like a Goddess and doing all he could to make you feel loved, cherished, rested etc etc?

And if he said to you while he was online and you were watching TV 'Can you blow your nose or something, you're breathing really loudly', and the reason you were breathing loudly was becasue you couldn't really breathe due to being horribly congested and blocked up since earlyish pregnancy - what would you say?

Just purely conversational!

That's very appealing, especially because I know dh would hate it!!

Probably not very helpful but if I were in your shoes I would cry and stamp my feet a lot then sit on the floor and sob.
But that's just me

Isn't it STUPID that not only have you got to be the person who asks for help, you've also got to Do It The Right Way so that you do not put his back up? Aaagh.

Do you have a sensible mutual, probably male, probably father of older children, friend or family member you can have a word with who can then have a word (presented as purely off his own bat) with your dh? I recall someone once saying conversationally in front of dh and me, and ostensibly about their own parenting situation, "of course, it does all depend on both of you having a sense of fairness" and it was quite effective.

I think I'd arrange a dinner at Sea Pebbles with several nice people and know that someone would say "blimey - you are huge, you need to take it easy or you'll do yourself or your baby some damage (LOL), come, take a seat. D, I can't believe TC's still shopping / schlepping hauling bins (etc., you get the drift). She needs to be booked into an emergency spa and urgent pedicure, man. Have you practiced the breathing exercises, m8 cos it''s gonna get WILD ! I take it you guys are doing the two hour intensive shoulder massage treatment nightly for optimal fetal positioning, right ? It is sooo important" LOL

Agree with LMG I have to say, flouncing off to my mums and disappearing never did me any good and I always ended feeling slightly bad for doing it, essentially it got me nowhere.
I remember having a chat with my dh when ds was a tiny baby - I really had had enough by then and he told me that he wasn't a mind reader and didn't know I couldn't cope with doing everything I was attempting - he suggested telling him what to do or writing lists which I must say has been a godsend. I write up a list of stuff I haven't managed to 'get done' sometimes going out and leaving him with ds at the weekend so he could see how exhausting it really was. It worked and he has gone from being pretty lazy, inconsiderate and selfish to taking turns with lie ins at the weekends and even on occasion getting up with him in the night (which is rare) If you had told me this time last year that his behaviour would have changed so much I would never have believed you.
I think I changed my tactics and grew up a bit and so did dh
How do you think your pertner would react is you told him you needed help? I don't know if I'm getting the wrong end of the stick but it seems like you are getting on with this all by yourself so maybe, just maybe he does think you are coping fabulously well?
I hope you get this sorted out soon.

But they don't make many like you, hubtodee!

I used to find hamming up the ol' Braxton Hicks was really helpful. Practise yelping and clutching onto the furniture while apparently doubled up.

Also tell him directly what he needs to do.

As for the blocked nose thing, a simple F**k off should do the trick.

I'd point him in the direction of this thread. Sorry if that's been said already

Go on strike. Stop doing everything that you are doing. The only person who can prevent you from being taken advantage of is - YOU!
I went through all of this with my selfish, mean spirited ex-H and realise with the benefit of counselling that I have to take some responsibility for his behaviour, because I let him get away with it.
Look after yourself - you and your little unborn baby need rest at the moment. Make sure you put yourself & it first for a while.

Like your style, spidermama!!

I have been known to practice a few of the said techniques!!

The telling direct is very important.

Very calm, very clear, very short words. Not many smiles. Serious face. Be very specific. Assign tasks. Also mention how happy you would feel if x happened, how much easier it be for you if y got done, how if he did z you would think him a star etc.

He knows what he's talking about does Hub2dee!
Don't forget mountains of praise for even the most miniscule improvement. (Think 4 year old).

I would be suggesting sexual bribes but I don't think it'd be appropriate in your condition.

go on strike

Message withdrawn

I would get really heavy about the fact that this is the calm before the storm. Point out that when the baby comes you will be necessarily rather preoccupied with him/her, and you're very worried by how unprepared he is for what's just around the corner
IMO it's good to have this discussion before the baby comes. You won't have time/energy for it afterwards. Draw up some plans. Get diaries out and let him start taking over some appointments. Let him know exactly what you expect from him. Spell it out.
(Sounds like you might be nesting, though... but you needn't tell him that.)
As for the nose remark, I wouldn't say anything, I'd throw something. A coffee table, maybe.

Someone on here gave me brilliant advice - to always endeavour to do things IN FRONT of dp/dh so that actually see you doing them. Otherwise they think it all happens by magic.

I do that! I wait to all my jobs until he gets in from work then spend an hour or so whizzing about. Devious cow that I am heh heh heh.

my mum once told me to sit down relaxing whenever they aren't in then when you see their car start frying onions. the smell makes them think you have been slaving for hours and they have come back to a lovely domestic home

thomcat - you could be me too I'm nearly 34 weeks pregnant with a 16 mo DD, really bad SPD and sacro-iliac pain and my DP is being a total selfish arse right now.

He gets up with DD on a Sunday though and does the dishes on a Sunday (this is his only bit of housework all week though) the whole doing the dishes thing has to be a saga though and as soon as he starts he moans about how boring it is!! Oh and I've got to be so f*** grateful he has done the dishes on HIS day off. Nevermind I do the dishes every day plus everything else and look after DD. I also do the food shopping during the week with DD as he absolutely hates going food shopping at the weekend. He didn't even take the wheely bin out this week left it for me to do. Oh and don't get me started he expects me to get up in the night to settle DD even though he knows I'm in agony at night. Oh and I pick him up from the train station most nights as he can't drive.

But thats ok because I'm always in pain and always moaning I'm sore so it's lost it's effect

He also said on Sunday he hopes I cheer up once this babies born! I swear sometimes I could punch him.

I've written him an e-mail today saying I think you are being really selfish and this is why, hopefully he might pay attention to it.

dingdong - ta 4 agreeing, my dp does now look after kids for a few hours on sat or sun and we take it in turns with lie in's e.g sat am i do 5am-7am and does 7am - 9am then he goes back to bed til 11am then vice versa on sun seems 2 be working ok for now. everytime i come back when hes had the kids he says how hard it is and how much he repects me and thanks me 4 doing such a good job while he works.

Bloody hell, what I'd say is unprintable! you must be knackered.

Thanks girls, it's helped just to read your posts.

My reaction to the nose blowing thing by the way was to scream 'You may have noticed I'm having a baby in 3 weeks and actually haven't been able to breathe for properly for months' and then i stormed oput and slammed the door on my way to run a bath. I then thought 'actually, you' and came back downstairs and siad "If you don't stop acting like a * then these last 3 weeks are going to be a living hell. My hormones aren't going anywhere so you better start being a lot *ing nicer" and then I slammed the open cutlery drawer so hard that the front of the drawer fell off!

Oh and then I picked up the baking tray from the side, carried it over towards him and let it drop to the floor. PMSL - well 'ard aye!

I also locked the bedroom door but unfortunalty it can be unlocked quite esily from the outside!

Hopefully I won't need to do anything else but am amused and heartened by your messages and taking lots of notes incase he crosses anymore lines or doesn't shape up, fast

Oh and I also pointed out I didn't get myself pregnant, that this was happening to both of us, I was just having to do all the hard stuff.

I wouldn't get into a discussion about it - pull a sickie, just like you would do at work!!! Next weekend claim a massive migrane (or whatever!) and stay in bed all weekend. Let him do everything for a whole weekend and enjoy!!
Some blokes don't have a clue what things are like until they are dropped in it.

PS, and leave him a To-Do LIST lol