Can we recover from this?

[ItAllHappensAtOnce]

I first found out about my OH's infidelity when I was a few months pregnant. That was a year ago. He was contrite, distraught, and broke off with her immediately. (It was purely sexual). Then he had an affair with an old friend of his - I kept discovering texts and emails, he would swear every time that he would break up with her, that I was his first priority etc. Finally, he stopped it, and swore on our baby's life that he would not see her again. It finally stopped.

Now I find he has been planning an affair again. It didn't get anywhere because I discoverered it in the early stages, and I called the woman and explained that I had given him an ultimatum. She praised me for my dignity (oh the satisfaction of making that call!) and he managed to talk me out of walking out, with the baby. I was ready to leave and he now understands that I will go if it ever happens again.

Of course it will happen again.

What can I do to prevent it?

He is adamant that I am the one he wants to be with. He simply doesn't seem to be able to resist taking an easy opportunity when it arises. I have suggested that if I am not enough for him, why does he want to be in a relationship with me? He says his life will be over without me.

I have had a bit of counselling which has helped me to be more robust in myself and to devise some ways to rebuild my self-esteem. Very helpful.

Is it possible for a relationship to recover after this much broken trust?

I want our DD to have a sibling. He is and will be an exceptional father. I told him I will stay with him for DD's sake and he must try to earn my trust.

Is it possible to have a decent relationship without trust? I am seriously considering that it must be possible. We get on so well, we complement each other's strengths, we have good emotional intimacy and physical intimacy.

I am experiencing the extreme raw emotions of anger and hurt, also loneliness and failure, as you would expect. I really want to rebuild this, and he says he does too. But I have heard it before from him, and he has deceived me consistently.

I don't want to be told to leave him. I would like advice on how to make it work, and what to do to encourage him to take some responsibility for making me trust him again. Thanks for your help and gentleness.

TT, your post has struck such a chord with me, I couldn't have written it better myself.

OP, in what way have you worked out steps to prevent emotional hurt to you and your DD? You can have your self-esteem chipped away slowly but surely, and the longer it goes on, it can take longer to recover. I am 4 years on, but from the time I invested in this type of relationship I still bear the emotional scars, and I still can't bring myself to trust a man 100% through no fault of the person involved.

Of course he can resist an "opportunity" when it arises, he just chooses not to.

Letitlie

I will never trust a man 100% again - I'm sure of that and not ashamed about it. I've learnt hard lessons and have the scars to prove it.

But that said, I am determined not to be bitter and twisted. I like myself a lot more now. I don't expect other people to make me happy. I concentrate on what I want, my own goals and desires; more than pleasing others. These are all good things.

AF and Butwhy - thank you.

TT

No not ashamed either, but worry about pushing people away for the wrong reasons....

I'm not bitter and twisted either, I could never live my life like that , it, but its that thought of what should have been....

Unless the family you always dreamt of was a dysfunctional one that fucked up the children involved, your dreams are off the table.

Your choices now are
1 live a life true to yourself and give yourself the chance of making your dreams come true one day
2 live a life of delusion, denial and lies so you can pretend that the man you KNOW is a liar and a cheat is actually a decent man

There's nothing brave about refusing to face facts. Sometimes the brave course of action is to forgive a good man who has made a mistake.

This man hasn't made mistakes, except the ones that meant you caught him. This is who he is. You can't forgive him, because he's not sorry. All that's open to you is to decide to put up with something that you know you can't live with and that will eventually destroy you.

Deciding to do something that self-destructive is not brave, it's foolish.

The brave choice here is to protect yourself and your daughter by changing your dreams, by imagining a different future and by facing the situation you're in honestly.

I know Letitlie. I never wanted to be an experienced and philosophical woman. I was quite happy being naive and innocent.

OP TT says it like it is, and I have experience of two couples who have "carried" on maintaining a relationship while one of them is a serial cheater.
Both wives are horribly bitter women in their 60's, their resentment and bitterness just flows out of them, and quite honestly they are not nice to spend time with, their children have no respect for them saying "I blame my Mum as much as my Dad she should have maintained her dignity and got out years ago"

You will not have a vaguely "normal" family life if you choose to continue to live this way, you know deep down he is never going to change, and you owe it to yourself and your DD to strive to achieve a happy home.

oldwomaninashoe, you have just described my mum It's true OP, this will eat away at you for the rest of your life. The doubt and worry and sadness and regret will poison every single part of your life and make it impossible to really feel joy or happiness. And as other posters have said, please don't think for a minute that your children will be oblivious to what's going on. The effects of my parents' messed-up relationship are currently costing me a lot of money to put right through psychotherapy, and will continue to do so for years to come.

Thank you everyone. I knew I would get some new perspectives, some straight talking and some clarity over this, which has been tangled in my mind and clouded with emotion.

TT, thank you for letting me know your experience, and Josie, Lizzie, Letitlie and oldwomaninashoe. And Shecutofftheirtails, I see that it is possible for me to change my vision of the future, that gives me some control and hope - what I mean is, I needn't despair if things don't work out the way I want(ed) them to.

AnyFucker, today I have had echoing in my mind 'that takes a special kind of cruelty'.

I have much to think about.

I will talk to him. I will demand that he takes active steps to rebuild the trust. It is certainly a monogamous relationship that I want, and I can't adapt that to make things easier for him. We must have some counselling. He must understand the ultimatum is in place, it is serious and it is non-negotiable.

My instinct is that this relationship is living on borrowed time. You have all confirmed that feeling. But I will not give up on it without doing these things. If we can make it work, it will be a remarkable achievement, and if I decide it won't work, then my exit will follow swiftly. I refuse to bring up DD in an atmosphere of suspicion and bitterness over years. You will all despair of me, but he has another chance. He doesn't deserve it but I am determined.

AnyFucker

I think from what she has said, that she got fed up working FT and doing everything at home and paying off the debts he run up wining and dining the last one.

The last one was his 'soul mate' and the same age as my older brother (infact she was born the same week my parents got married). Unfortunley when my dad became ill with cancer, she buggered off (didn't do hospitals) and me and my sister made sure he got to all his appointments and was with him when he died.

I think mum would have taken back even after 15+ years after he left because she still loved him.

that is really sad, lizzie

Dear OP, I'm sorry but even after the second affair it seemed very unlikely that the relationship would work out. And the fact that he started/was about to start a third proved this. Somehow your DP seems addicted to the secrecy and duplicity of having an affair. I completely understand wanting to keep the family together and having your DD grow up with her Dad around as a cosy family unit, but your DP seems keen to (even if only subconsciously) destroy this plan.

I worry that if you give him several more years, if he messes up big time and you really do need to split up, your DD could be a lot older - 8? 12? 14? and understand what a breakup means and be traumatised by it. Little girls also often pick up on their father's behaviour and learn from it - you don't really want her growing up only attracted to men who are serially unfaithful to her; which she will because that's the only norm in a man she will have learnt (I have sadly seen friends struggling with the exact same behaviour pattern - and the only ones who were free of the legacy of unfaithful fathers/mothers were those whose parents separated from cheating/unloving spouses when they were little).