Can we recover from this?

[ItAllHappensAtOnce]

I first found out about my OH's infidelity when I was a few months pregnant. That was a year ago. He was contrite, distraught, and broke off with her immediately. (It was purely sexual). Then he had an affair with an old friend of his - I kept discovering texts and emails, he would swear every time that he would break up with her, that I was his first priority etc. Finally, he stopped it, and swore on our baby's life that he would not see her again. It finally stopped.

Now I find he has been planning an affair again. It didn't get anywhere because I discoverered it in the early stages, and I called the woman and explained that I had given him an ultimatum. She praised me for my dignity (oh the satisfaction of making that call!) and he managed to talk me out of walking out, with the baby. I was ready to leave and he now understands that I will go if it ever happens again.

Of course it will happen again.

What can I do to prevent it?

He is adamant that I am the one he wants to be with. He simply doesn't seem to be able to resist taking an easy opportunity when it arises. I have suggested that if I am not enough for him, why does he want to be in a relationship with me? He says his life will be over without me.

I have had a bit of counselling which has helped me to be more robust in myself and to devise some ways to rebuild my self-esteem. Very helpful.

Is it possible for a relationship to recover after this much broken trust?

I want our DD to have a sibling. He is and will be an exceptional father. I told him I will stay with him for DD's sake and he must try to earn my trust.

Is it possible to have a decent relationship without trust? I am seriously considering that it must be possible. We get on so well, we complement each other's strengths, we have good emotional intimacy and physical intimacy.

I am experiencing the extreme raw emotions of anger and hurt, also loneliness and failure, as you would expect. I really want to rebuild this, and he says he does too. But I have heard it before from him, and he has deceived me consistently.

I don't want to be told to leave him. I would like advice on how to make it work, and what to do to encourage him to take some responsibility for making me trust him again. Thanks for your help and gentleness.

How would it be an appealing idea if he's already shown himself to be incapable of a honest, communicative 'open' relationship? I just don't get why you feel things would be different.

Oh my good god. OP, what about what YOU want? All you want (lets be honest here) is a monogamous relationship. Not unreasonable. But because this guy has NO moral, NO regard for yourfeelings and NO idea of how to conduct himself as a dad, YOU have to make all these sacrifices!? You are worth more!

Please don;t try and jazz up the idea of his infidelity into something "sexy" and "liberated" - I knew from personal experience that is doesnt work, and is more often than not a woman's way of trying to keep the attention of a man who would otherwise loom elsewhere.

Please, please realise your worth soon.

I'm afraid the people I know who live (very happily) in a non-monogamous couple don't have kids. (I did, when single myself, have a brief affair with someone who did have children and was having a so-called open relationship but in fact he and his partner were just messing around with each other's heads. And quite a few other people's as well, like mine.)

There is nothing wrong with wanting just one partner, you know. As long as that is the deal for both of you.

MajorB yes, I've told one of his friends and one of mine. It helps me to talk about it, but it is hard to tell people in RL for lots of reasons. I am tempted to get his family to help, they are all strong characters with a clear moral compass and could give him the kick up the butt that is needed! It is hard to do though. It means broadcasting our failure.

You have not been flippant at all, thank you for your helpful comments.

Why would his family be able to control HIS actions??? Yes they might give him a lecture, but ultimately he will keep doing what he wants. I'm probably saying exactly what you don't want to here but I would bet my life, my house and everything I own that this man WILL cheat again and you, OP will end up devastated. Just sick of women on here being made to look fucking stupid.

*hear - bollocks

He cheats repeatedly, but says his life would be over if you left??

Translated: I will do as I please, but will hold YOU personally responsible for my emotional wellbeing. OK?

I don't think it's a goer...do you?

I think for an open relationship to work it means that you both have to be off having fun - just one having all the fun and the other one sat at home with the DCS all the time will lead to resentment and eventually divorce.

Have you thought about having some counselling just for yourself as you sound like you have just such low self esteem?

First of all OP, my sympathies, you must feel pretty shat upon right now and you don't need us lot piling more 'don't be an idiot' comments on you.

I believe you are an intelligent person, you certainly have gained some insight into his behaviour and have thought through how it effects you and your family. And I think you deserve to be happy. If you believe you can be happy with this man, you should both give it your best shot.

I would go to RELATE together - for say five sessions (it's a £250 commitment) and talk it through. Trust can be rebuilt. People do stupid things for stupid reasons sometimes but are actually very good people despite this.

It's often fear which drives men in your situation to cheat, the whole family thing and that permanent commitment scares them to death and they react by trying to reinforce themselves as still young, still alive and free . I know it's a terrible way of dealing with it but if you can find an ounce of compassion for him it'll help you. He fucked up, several times. Which means he's stuck in that state and probably hasn't learned to deal with whatever is causing this - but he can change if he wants to. But he needs to commit to that.

I think in lots of ways it's harder to stay with someone and deal with problems like this than to run away and start again. Either way, get some counselling, both of you. Even if you do decide to end it - you will still be parents so if you can resolve as many of your issues as possible between you, it'll aid long term relations as parents, if not as partners.

Good luck to you. :)

I think in lots of ways it's harder to stay with someone and deal with problems like this than to run away and start again
Whomovedmychocolate - this is really unfair. "run away?!" Implying the OP is running out on the commitment?! As if her cheating DH hasn't already done this?

motherinferior I see that there is nothing wrong with just one partner. But I need to explore any other successful models as I am dealing with this higly unconventional situation!

ButWhy it is true that I seem to be the one trying to fix this. I would love to find a dignified solution. It is also true that I am not putting myself first emotionally, but I am taking the easy option practically. I am also hanging onto our shared vision of our future together. Yes I understand that I am in all likelihood being deluded, but I have plenty of time to build a life as a single parent in the future. I have time now to do everything I can to try to fix this relationship and build the family I have dreamt of.

I am not implying that at all - I'm saying if she wants to continue to try it's a bloody brave thing to do.

He's been stupid. I said that. Repeatedly.

But what I was trying to say was that if she decides to try again with him (as she seemed to be indicating in her OP) that it's a brave thing.

I was going to suggest that you negotiate an open relationship with him

but I don't think he wants that, does he ?

he wants to cheat with all the secrecy, piss-taking, immature cheap thrills and derring-do subterfuge that entails

he is a cheater, he is not an "open" person

you said you didn't want people to tell you to leave

ok then

but he won't make you happy, and he is a terrible example to your children

please don't let your strong desire for a sibling for your dc colour your judgement here

you could have another child with another man

and he could chase all the skirt he wants to his heart's content, except it would no longer be your problem

Frankly, I'd suggest you either boot him out or take a lover.

Or best of all run away with the lover.

do you mind if he has sex with other women?

do you mind being the little woman at home who will always be second best

do you mind the fact that he probably thinks oh i will do it anyway, and talk her round if she finds out, ive always talked her round easily enough before

do you mind the fact that he is out having fun and laughter and enjoying life and spending money with lots of other women

Recipe for miserable children, all of this. I think you'd be better off with a more caring bloke who respects you. There's plenty out there.

OP, I do apologise if it seems I am being rude - I am genuinely not intending to make "what an idiot the OP is" type comments - I just get so annoyed when I see women excusing awful male behaviour.

You said to motherinferior that yours is a "highly unconventional" situation. With respect, from what you've said, it's not! It;s yet another case of a woman being desperately in love with a man who will never be satisfied with monogamy. And a man who pulls all the emotional strings. "You're the only one I want... I couldn;t be without you...."

I disagree with whomovedmychoc;s (well made) comments. SO FUCKING what if men find this period in their life tough and new, and they panic about being trapped? So what if they feel the need to prove they are still young, free and independent? It doesnt excuse their behaviour. I would love to prove I'm free and independent by fucking off on holiday rather than pay rent, for example, BUT I DON'T because a sensible, intelligent adult just COPES.

Thanks, whomovedmychocolate

I think counselling together is sensible. I found my solo sessions helpful. Tbh I think he should have some solo sessions too, but I am wary of pinning all my hopes on them, as what I want is behavioural change, and that's a bloody hard thing to achieve.

It seems he's intent on detroying what he's desperately wanted, which is a happy family life. It makes no sense to me!

ButWhy - don't worry, I appreciate all your comments and I was ready for some rather ... robust opinions, otherwise I wouldn't have opened a thread!

It is bloody unfair. When I am trying to do the right thing. And I have always expected my partner to match my behaviour - if I can be responsible and faithful, then I expect the same in return. Then I was pregnant, dammit, and I want her to have her father with her every day.

Sorry love but you're not going to get a functional open relationship with this one. Because that's not what he's into at all. It's not just a matter of liking a variety of sexual partners - plenty of people are not monogamous and are able to be ethical about it - the thrill for this man is in the deceit.

Maybe he's acting out some issues, maybe he has hangups about being unlovable so he has to keep pushing in order to convince himself that whatever happens, you will not leave him, blah blah whatever.
It's not an excuse. He;s not sorry at all. He thinks that his feelings are more important than yours and that's the bottom line.
Please understand that no one else can change this man's behaviour. You sound as though you think the family can band together and lock him up or keep him under 24/7 surveillance or something - he is the only one who can change his behaviour and he simply doesn't want to.

You basically have a choice: decide to accept that he will have sex with other women whenever he feels like it, or end the relationship. Those are your options. There is no magic button that will make a man like this behave in a monogamous fashion.

It is bloody unfair. When I am trying to do the right thing. And I have always expected my partner to match my behaviour - if I can be responsible and faithful, then I expect the same in return. Then I was pregnant, dammit, and I want her to have her father with her every day.

This is why I feel so shit about your situation. Why can't people just be decent to each other? YOU seem a decent human being - is it so unreasonable to expect him to be? :( I know as a singleton with no kids perhaps I don't get all the complexities required to leave a husband - but in some way my status gives me more clarity of mind.
OP, I really do wish you the best. xx

counselling will only help if he wants it.The counsellors will tell you that...
I am currently in counselling with my H for similiar. PM me any time, don't want to hijack your thread

You cannot change people. He will never be the type of husband you want him to be (faithful) he isn't even interested in an open relationship as he likes all the secrecy associated with having an affair. Moreover, you have forgiven him so many times that he knows he can carry on regardless.

Imagine that your DD is all grown up and married to a similar man. What advise would you give her?

My suggestion is for one of you (preferably him!) to move out, not necessarily permanently, but in order for you both to have some space to think.

You need to think whether you can live happily with a lifetime of this behaviour, because it will not stop, and he will not be open with you.

He needs to think about whether he wants to have a family or he wants to play around.

It doesn't necessarily have to be the end, but I know that if I were you and took him back there would be all kinds of conditions and consequences laid out ahead of time regarding what is acceptable and what is not. And follow-through on said consequences.

In all honesty, I would find that life exhausting. To always be wondering if he is being honest, checking messages and texts, wondering where he is if he isn't home when expected, etc.

Also think about how this will seem to your child(ren) as they grow older - they may not respect him for how he has treated you, but they may also not respect you for accepting it.

It's a horrible situation for you to find yourself in, OP. I hope you can find an acceptable solution for yourself.