Is it essential to be 'in love' with your dp?

[fairycake]

I have a ds who is 5 and have been a single parent since he was born, I have had a few 'flings' but no-one has ever met ds until I met my dp 3 months ago.

I had got to a stage where I thought I would never meet anyone, so hard to find someone who ticks all the right box's and wants to be part of a family. Ds has no contact with his father and I really wanted to meet someone who wanted to be that to him.

Anyway about 3 months ago I met my dp, He is mad about ds and I, wants to be like a father to him,
wants more children (as i do). He is kind, thoughtful, attractive, funny, a lovely bloke, but.... he doesn't make my heart flip over. I do love him and look forward to seeing him but don't get butterflies in my stomach!

Things have moved v quickly and we are moving in together at christmas, however I am now getting cold feet. He has done so much for us, has remorgaged his house to redecorate etc. Ds is looking forward to the move and to living with dp and (in his words) 'being a family'.

Not really sure how to end this post but any advice would be hugely appreciated

I think so, certainly in the very early stages.

If I were you I'd suggest postponing moving in with DP until you've been together longer. It could just be that after so many years on your own with DS, you are feeling a bit cautious about the change and the impact DP might have on your homelife ?

Mmmmhhhmmm, I would say that the qualities you have mentioned are the most important ones. I hesitate to advise as this is your whole life, and no-one can predict how things will turn out, but he sounds lovely. Kindness is highly under-rated these days but IMO tells you a lot about a person. Even if you don't get butterflies, do you feel as if you "connect" emotionally?

Depends on what you consider love. Personally, I can do w/o the whole 'romantic' love, flames, etc. That type of 'love' NEVER came to any good for me. I prefer respect, honesty, trust and commitment.

I'd much rather have the gold than the glitter.

Gimme a good man anyday.

Maybe you just need a little time? In my experience, being "in love" isn't something that happens strsight away. Instead it creeps up on you as you get to know each other better and you understand who you both are in more depth. From what you say about this man, sounds like you think he is pretty great and this is the best start. ALso sounds like a lot of pressure on you to make a "final" decision - nothing like a bit of pressure to put you off someone, in fact My guess is that, in a few months, you will know for sure one way or the other. but not yet. Whether you move in with him 'til you reach that point is your call. Wish you the best....

Thank you! As a potential husband and father it would be hard to find a lovelier bloke.

Friends tell me that the most successful relationships are based upon honesty, trust, sharing etc.

(The reason we are moving in together so quickly is that the move involves ds changing schools, and the ideal time for him to start at a new school is in January when he is not the only new starter.)

I doubt I would find another man like him, who is so amazing with ds. Have never really had to 'compromise' in a relationship before, have always gone for the knicker dropping gorgeous types(!) who have been a good laugh but haven't lasted long.

There is also quite a big age gap, I am 27, he is 41.

if you'll forgive the phrase - i think you probably have to suck it and see. Take one decision at a time. One step at a time. That's not to say take decisions based only on the short-term (once we have kids I don't think we can't afford to do that) but 3 months is not long - give it time and see how it goes. As a relationship it sounds like it deserves a chance.

I honestly think that the butterflies in the stomach thing comes and goes anyway in a relationship. Just because they're not there at the moment doesn't mean they'll ever be there. Give it a go, good men are few and far between.

never, not ever.

Does the age gap bother you?

Fairycake, I can see why this might be giving you cold feet, tbh.

Usually, when we make quick decisions (and moving in with someone, DS moving schools etc is a VERY big decision, we are at the mercy of some serious heart-throbbing and butterfiles in stomach. Given the enormity of this, could you nt wait until the new school year? By then, you may wonder how you ever managed wothout him - or you may be bored stiff.
Nice, suportive, kind, decent etc etrc is fab - but if that dull thud of an 'over' relationship sounds, you may grow impatient of him.

I am sure he is wonderful, but 3 months is a very short space of time, and at 27, I think you sHOULD be falling in love - it's still v young!

Good luck with whatever happens.

If he is the right man then surely you won't lose out if you wait a bit longer to move in with him

I think you should wait a while longer before making any huge decisions about this chap. When I married dh 24 years ago I didn't feel 'passionate' about him - he was lovely in all sorts of ways and ticked lots of boxes but now I really really resent making the decision I did.. Also he was a bit older than me and seemed much more confident about our relationship than I did, and I kind of just went along with it.
Unless or until you feel totally 'in love' I would be cautious.

Hi fairycake. I left my ex dh partly because of a lack of passion. If you're not sure, don't do it, there's no rush, can't you slow it down a bit and delay moving in together if you're not sure? It's v early days, 3 months, and if he's as lovely as you think he will understand and be prepared to wait I think.

I do think passion is important and I found it second time around with my dp. I remember reading somewhere that if you had passion at any point then you will be able to reignite it if it goes away but of course you can't really do that if it wasn't there in the first place. In my first marriage I settled for someone who was kind, decent, faithful, funny, clever, good looking, stable, moral and a lot of other things but there wasn't any passion between us and I missed it and needed it. So my answer is that passion is important, yes. And achievable. And even if it wanes over time/with children/life, it can be rekindled. So I think it's important in conjunction with a lot of other things, passsion alone won't sustain a good relationship but it certainly helps imo and e.

I hadn't read the rest of the thread when I posted, I agree with Blu, you're young, give it some time, and you do deserve to be in love, especially at your age. Don't go for someone just because he represents 'family' to your ds and stability for you. My mother did that and has been fairly unhappily married for 30 years as a a result! (she married my step father partly because she was a single parent to 3 children and was struggling and he was a stable option, 30 years on and they're miserable mostly!)

I think that you should take it slowly and see how your feelings develop. Three months is not long at all. Date, have fun and see how you feel later on. It sounds like he is a great guy. There is no rush. I didnt fall in 'in love' with my dh until we were together for about a year. Now I am crazy about him and we have been together happy for over 10 years.

In my experience the love that happens quickly always ends in disaster because lets face it how well can you know somebody really in such a short space of time?

Hope it works out as he sounds lovely.

No the age gap doesn't really bother me, he doesn't look or act his age (probably because he has no kids of his own!)

Hellsbells, Do you mind if I ask why you resent it? Is it because you wish you'd waited to be madly in love?

I suppose I am worried that may never happen, was single for 5 years before I met him!

Ds's father was a bit of a t*sser, and disappeared before he was born, never to be seen again. Dp would never do that, he really wants to be a good father to ds, and for us all to be a family.

Feeling v confused this morning!

Fairycake - Just go for it! IME, the question of love meets with 2 responses: 1 from those in a relationship where they are madly and passionately in lurv with their DP's..... and the other from those in a relationship that is solely based on the qualities you describe!

People in a madly in love, lustful relationship will always tell you that thats the way it should be!! Well it isn't. I've been in 2 mad, passionate, lustful relationships where I though I would DIIIEEE if I didn't see him for 2 days on the trot. Both ended explosively after about 18mths. And although DH and I are having some problems just now..... for the most part I can see a future with him (if he gets some feckin counselling.... but thats another thread!). We've been together for 6 yrs now and have 2 children. He doesn't rock my boat..... but with a little moulding from me.... I know he'll end up perfect Husband material.

I'm 27 too by the way.... and I do NOT think at that age you should be searching for the IN LURRRRRV, tummy-flipping relationship. Its nothing to do with age and everything to do with where you are in your life. And you are at a point where you can see yourself settling down within a family environment with your DP. Enjoy it and relax and have a wonderful 1st Christmas together!

I have dated and had fun over the last few years, but not met anyone who could be what i wanted for both ds and myself. I have had lovely flings with younger men who wanted a girlfriend who could go out whenever they wanted (hmmm no chance!) and had dates with blokes who wanted the family thing but were just too, well, boring! (but nice). Dp is still up for going out and having a drink and a laugh, but will then get up with ds in the morning.

I think I am trying to talk myself in to it! I want that family for ds, I am broody as hell and want a partner who will stick around and do his bit (happily).

Fairycake, you can have both imo, passionate doesn't have to mean unable to meet obligations, be stable, kind, sensible, supportive. There are men who are both/all these things, definitely.

WWW - Oh yes I agree!!! But it's not essential that she finds one like that. I'd have been 63 before I found a bloke like that. I wanted the family....the kids....the big Christmas dinners.

Fairycake - If thats what you want, whats stopping you apart from cold feet?

prob not essential but depressing not to be or at least HAVE been IMO

Enid - Why depressing though???? Thats only coz you clearly are still madly in love with your DP. I'm sure I can remember you saying that on another thread.
I don't think I've ever been madly in love with DH. I fancied him.... but then life took over and I was pregnant after 9months. APart from the fact he's being a total prick at the moment I know that when our problems are sorted out we will be very happy..... but I'm not suddenly going to have a fire in my loins for him. I don't think thats depressing at all!

I'm still madly in love with my dp too (it's not that long though, we've only been together 5.5 years). And I don't think I ever was with my ex h and that was part of the problem. But I do realise that lots of people may not mind about not being in love/having been in love.

I agree with Enid if it is not great and you aren't in love what is the point?

depressing because then you are commmitted to spend a life without being in love. unless you have at the back of your mind that you'll leave them when you find someone better - abhorrent to me but thats me.