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Original poster

Is it essential to be 'in love' with your dp?

52 replies

fairycake · 28/11/2005 21:50

I have a ds who is 5 and have been a single parent since he was born, I have had a few 'flings' but no-one has ever met ds until I met my dp 3 months ago.

I had got to a stage where I thought I would never meet anyone, so hard to find someone who ticks all the right box's and wants to be part of a family. Ds has no contact with his father and I really wanted to meet someone who wanted to be that to him.

Anyway about 3 months ago I met my dp, He is mad about ds and I, wants to be like a father to him,
wants more children (as i do). He is kind, thoughtful, attractive, funny, a lovely bloke, but.... he doesn't make my heart flip over. I do love him and look forward to seeing him but don't get butterflies in my stomach!

Things have moved v quickly and we are moving in together at christmas, however I am now getting cold feet. He has done so much for us, has remorgaged his house to redecorate etc. Ds is looking forward to the move and to living with dp and (in his words) 'being a family'.

Not really sure how to end this post but any advice would be hugely appreciated

OP posts:
Enid · 29/11/2005 09:42

my heart doesnt skip a beat when I see dh but I don't think I would survive at all well without him, my world would be a very grey and lonely place indeed.

SackAche · 29/11/2005 09:44

Who mentioned anything about not being in love??? I love DH.... or I wouldn't be with him. He just doesn't make the earth move when he touches me! BIG difference.

Everytime I hear people descirbe love..... sex and lust play only a small part!

So fairycake - If its just that you don't lust after your DP.... you can still be in love with him.

oliveoil · 29/11/2005 09:45

YES! Essential imo. Then when things get a bit shitty with small children etc or the drugery of life, you can look back on the good times and hope to get them back.

I have been with dh 9 years and he still gives me butterflies sometimes.

I would slow things down in your situation as you have a ds to consider as well as yourself just in case things do go pear shaped.

x

SackAche · 29/11/2005 09:45

Exactly Enid! Me too.... or I certainly would not be putting up with all his sh*t right now!

That isn't depressing is it?

SackAche · 29/11/2005 09:48

OO - That is if you have the luxury of time BEFORE kids! I was pg 9months after we met. SO there isn't much pre-children to look back on!

It's not essential. Jeeeeeesus you lot! You might as well turf 50% of the marriages on MN out the window if thats really essential!

On the grand scale of things.... I don't think that its grounds fro divorce if your tummy no longer flips when your DH walks into the room. LOL I'd love to be in a divorce court when that reason was given.

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 29/11/2005 09:49

er, actually, I already had a 2yo ds when I met dp so we had one child immediately.

shimmy21 · 29/11/2005 09:51

FWIW I had big passion with dh but still got massively cold feet at the thought of settling down with him. Committment is a bit of a scary passion killer at the best of times. Perhapos you're not seeing the woods for the trees. You're worrying so much that there isn't the right sort of passion that you aren't able to let it happen naturally.
I know the passion that dh and I have/ had has carried us along through many of the bad times and I can't say if we would have lasted without it, but I don't believe it's what is important today. After 15 years of togetherness 'passion'is more a sort of comfortable feeling than the gut churning excitement it was once and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It comes and goes and it is possible to work on making it come back with a bit of effort. Perhaps for you it will happen as you start to relax and enjoy your new relationship.

NomDePlume · 29/11/2005 09:52

SA. I didn't mean that it is essential in the long term. I do think that stomach-flipping, knicker-twanging lust does peter-out (sp) after a few years in a long term relationship. I do think that it's pretty important in a relationship as young as 3 months though. I think WWW has got it spot on.

Blu · 29/11/2005 10:05

But what about LOVE? as opposed to knicker-twanging? Not friendly love, but deep committed love?

munz · 29/11/2005 10:10

I could survive a long term relationship without passion as I think it comes/goes.

but my relationship with DH wouldn't survive without trust honesty mutual respect and support. this is more improtant to me than any amount of butterflys in the tum (do get them occassionally thou) but on the whole, I cna't imagion being without DH and I think that's the improtant thing.

over time the love u share evolves and changes - if it was to be about the passion and the thrill of it all we would have split up long ago!

(that's not to say it's not improtant thou esp in the early stages.)

blu - def couldn't do a relationship that didn't have deep committed love there.

jenk1 · 29/11/2005 10:25

sometimes being in love grows, when i met my dh i fancied him like mad and we got married very quickly, the fancying him was i suppose a bit like infatuation.

However we recently celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and i have to say that i am madly in love with him, he like your dp took on my son as his own and has been a wonderful father to him and our little girl and a good husband to me, thats not to say we havent had our ups and downs because we have.

I think that being in love with him now is not based on fancying him (although i do) but a more mature kind of being in love, hope ive explained myself correctly.

Another thing-everyone told me not to marry him that it would be over in months but that hasnt happened im glad to say

mancmum · 29/11/2005 10:33

even if you were madly in love, I think 3 months is too soon for all this - especially as you have a child to consider...

I personally don't think you should do it as you are too young to live without that spark in your relationship... especially given the age gap -- this could exacerbate the issue in a few years time..

Whilst I think he has all the qualities that you need in a long term relationship, you also need that something else that separates your man from all the other good men... what happens if you meet some one who gives you the special sparkle?

SackAche · 29/11/2005 10:37

Too young lo live without the spark Mancmum??? What does that mean? There's an age limit?

doormat · 29/11/2005 10:39

fairycake hope it all works out great for you
if you feel comfortable go for it
good luck
xxx

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 29/11/2005 10:44

My dh never gave me butterflies either. I knew him for a year as a friend before we started going out and I resisted at first because he was such a good friend, he was more like a brother and I didn't think I could see him as a lover. But this gradually changed and began to fall in love with him. Not the heart-racing stomach-churning type of love, but the gradual kind where you wake up one morning and realise that you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person, and you wonder how you came to that feeling all of a sudden!

Love manifests itself in many different ways but that doesn't mean that one way is not as good as another!

If you are concerned, then perhaps ask for a bit of breathing space. 3 months together is quite a short space of time and if you are not ready, then you're simply not ready! You can't rush these things. If he thinks a lot of you he will understand this and be prepared to wait a little. This a big decision, you have more to lose than he does, so take your time over it.

crimbocrazydazy · 29/11/2005 11:41

Totally agree Cliff, I got pregnant very early in mine and DP's relationship and was not "in love" with him at all!!! The only reason I stayed with him was I was afraid to be on my own with the baby and he desparately wanted to be a father so I gave it a go and gradually I began to fall in love and I truly believe that every day after that I loved him more. When DD was born and DP was holding her and the way he looked so adoringly at her made me feel so secure and warm and I felt this rush of love for both of them!!!

I really think that is the kind of love that lasts well for me it was and I had the stomach flipping kind of love before I met him and I always felt like I was going to be let down but have never once felt this way with DP and now (7 years on and two kids later) I still love him so much, he's my best friend and we have a great sex life because we know one another so well!!!

I totally believe that love grows and its just lust when you fall for them straightaway nothing more.

I truly believe you have to find your "equal" someone who doesn't make you feel insecure and you don't make them feel insecure as it will probably just die out!!!

monkeytrousers · 29/11/2005 12:19

He sounds lovely but I do agree with WWW generally. It is hard because everywhere we're told love should be passionate and all consuming but it can't be all the time. As a relationship matures those feelings come and go but I don't think I could be happy in a relationship that absoultely and forever ruled it out.

Do you know if he feels the same about you? Have you tried talking about it with him? Sometimes a good barney gets the sparks flying..(though I'm not recommending it of course!)

crimbocrazydazy · 29/11/2005 13:10

Lol Monkey, they always work for us too

Yeah totally agree, one week can be madly in love with DP and the next he drives me to distraction!!!! I think it definitely helps if the sex is good too as even though I wasn't in love with DP in the beginning that was always very good

Original poster
fairycake · 29/11/2005 13:12

He is totally in love with me and would do anything for me, think that may be part of the problem in that he wants to do too much. I find him much more arractive when he (very rarely!) puts his foot down over something!

I am v independant, have had to be after 5 years as a single parent, and find it hard to lose that element of freedom (although there is no way he would try to stop me doing stuff). I will also be more or less financially dependant on him as I only work p/t.

Just want to clarify that I do fancy him, he just don't make my stomach do somersaults!

OP posts:
SackAche · 29/11/2005 13:16

Fairycake - I think you may have your expectations a bit high! But I can understand it being a bit of a turn-off if a man is too nice all the time!?

But come on.... you haven't said anything bad about him yet. Doesn't that tell you something??

If I were you I'd stop over-analysing and just go with the flow. You've been used to being you're own person for a long time, you just have to slowly adjust to being part of a partnership. He sounds lovely.

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 29/11/2005 13:18

He's only being Mr Perfect cause he's been going out with you for 3 months, just wait till you do move in together, then he'll show his real colours!

SackAche · 29/11/2005 13:19

So true Rhubarb!! Just wait until the 1st sleepless night with a new baby.

munz · 29/11/2005 13:21

I agree with SA tbh.

when my DH gets bad I do often think to myself - well the small things u don't like don't matter - he could be worse - could be a raving loon or something.

if u do feel he's 'suffocating' u a bit try taking up other intrests a night class or somehting might help? (create a bit of space I mean) that way you keep your independance a bit, or do coffee/lunch with a girlfriend regually.

crimbocrazydazy · 29/11/2005 13:27

Men always try really hard in the beginning if they are really keen on someone, it can be quite off putting so the fact that you are still interested shows that you are good together.

The "tummy flip" thing is just for teenagers when you don't know what "real love" is, once you know the difference then you realise what makes you the happiest - if that makes sense!!!

peachandpear · 29/11/2005 13:38

Ah Fairycake, I have read this thread and you haven't said one bad thing about him as Sackache said. And sure no-ones perfect and yes I am sure if you do move in together you will see another side to him. Everyone has another side especially under the strains of a new baby. But he sounds lovely and you have said that you do love him and you do fancy him, its just that he doesn't make your tummy flip. Theres more important things in relationships than tummys flipping! Tummy flipping rarely lasts all the time for ever anyway!

My DH never made my tummy flip, although I did fancy him. I met him when I was 19 (he is the same age as me) We married at 23 and we are now 35, have 3 kids and I love him more now than I did the day I married him. And yes we have had our crap times. I think love grows and develops and love has different stages. I do see why you are hesitant though, you have a little one to think of.

Have you tried talking to him and being honest and letting him know your worries/concerns. I think the most important thing I have learnt in12 years of marriage is that communication and honesty is so important. But that probably sounds really obvious doesn't it! Did you say he was older than you? I don't think age differences should matter. I know a few people who have age gaps and have been together happily for years (one couple I know met when she was 12 and he was 21) bordering on illegal now I know! But they have been happily married for 25 years (together for 32 years) and have 4 kids.