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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being ignored.

21 replies

scentednappyhag · 20/07/2011 09:23

First time posting a thread in relationships, hoping you'll be gentle :)

My DH works nights, which has been an issue for us as he took the position 2 weeks before our DD was born, and it's been very hard on us both.
She's now 8 months old, and hates daytime naps, so his sleep is often not as long as he'd like.
On Monday, he woke up on the evening in a horrible mood, and spent an hour picking fault with the house and complaining that he'd 'only' had 5 and a half hours sleep. He then told me he wanted my cigarettes, which I threw- not at him, but I'm still a twat I know. He then called be a selfish little bitch, told me I better not ever dare do that again and stormed out.
This is the last I heard from him.
I texted Monday night to say I was sorry, and that I'd be staying with family Tuesday night. I then texted again last night to say I'd given DD a kiss goodnight from him, but still no reply. I'm at a loss. I have no idea what trigger the initial nastiness on Monday, other than that I was ill and he seemed irritated by that?
Oof, sorry, mammoth post, but didn't want to drip feed. Should I get in touch with him again, or wait for him to decide he wants to talk to me? Help :(

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 20/07/2011 09:33

Honestly? I'd wait for him to contact you. Not getting as much sleep as you'd like - or need - is part and parcel of being a parent and not an excuse for calling you a selfish bitch (even if you'd thrown a packet of fags) or picking fault for an hour.

If you were ill he should have been nice as pie to you. This isn't a normal way to behave.

On Saturday night, DH was out at a stag night in Blackpool. At 2am DD and I were both sick. I text him to let him know it was a good job he was out as we were ill, at least he wouldn't catch it being away!

He phoned at 4.30am when he went to bed to see how we were (still being sick), went to sleep and then came home at the first opportunity despite only having had about four hours sleep himself to come and take over looking after DD so that I could rest. He'd not had much to drink anyway as he was the designated driver for the journey back.

He didn't come home in a mood because we were ill and he hadn't had much sleep, he came back with a bag of rock and a big bottle of water. That's what a DH should do.

Hope that your DH comes to his senses soon :(

brass · 20/07/2011 09:41

Sleep deprivation can make people go insane. It's a known fact.

He may be having a meltdown. Not fair on you but we all cope with it in different ways and it's not a competition.

You say you stayed with family on Monday so did he come back to find you gone? Did he know in advance that you were going to stay with family or did you go because of the argument? He may be reading that as you leaving him iyswim.

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 20/07/2011 09:43

Thanks for the advice Fliss, I'm just feeling tearful and worried and keep picking my phone up to text him. I'll leave it for now,hopefully he'll realise I'm not that bad soon. I'd just have thought he'd at least want to know how DD is :(
You're DH sounds lovely by the way

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 20/07/2011 09:46

He's a PITA most of the time (as am I) but we both know what is and isn't acceptable - and sleep deprivation has never been an excuse to be horrible to one another. Like I say, hopefully your DH will come to his senses soon.

And please don't think I was trying to show off or anything there, I just wanted to illustrate the point of how someone else might behave with an ill wife when they've not had enough sleep (he'd also been away camping in the week before so had had several days of crap sleep, not just one night!)

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 20/07/2011 09:47

Brass- I texted him Monday to say I'd be staying at my nan's on Tuesday. Partly give him space, and partly because I didn't want to hear about how useless I was anymore. But I guess maybe he might be annoyed by that, I might have made a mistake there

OP posts:

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 20/07/2011 09:49

Fliss- oh no, I didn't think that at all! It's just nice to hear stories about how men aren't all knobbers occasionally

OP posts:

brass · 20/07/2011 10:02

sorry to say it sounds like you've got deeper problems within your relationship doesn't it?

I don't mean sleep deprivation by a few days. I'm talking about sustained months/years and also he may not be suited to working nights. Not everyone can shift their body clock like that without it taking it's toll. It can seriously unhinge you.

Bramshott · 20/07/2011 10:09

What would he do if you picked up the phone and called him?

brass · 20/07/2011 10:12

yes, stop texting!

You need to speak face to face about how you are both unhappy.

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 20/07/2011 10:16

Bramshott- He'd ignore the call. Also, I don't know when he'll be sleeping, and don't want to risk annoying him even more by waking him up.
Brass- I feel I may have misrepresented something, I'm not unhappy in the relationship as a whole, just the current situation. I think suggesting there are obvious deeper issues may be a bit much? I'd hope so anyway!

OP posts:

brass · 20/07/2011 10:31

I apologise.

I was thinking that because you said:-

you didn't want to hear how useless you were anymore (as though he often says that to you)

you hoped he'd realise you weren't that bad

he hasn't called to enquire after your DD.

How long does he normally take to calm down?

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 20/07/2011 10:39

This is the first time he's been like this. We obviously argue now and then, but never to the extent of swearing and name calling. Although he does seem irritated if I'm unwell. Sorry, I haven't explained things very well have I?

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 20/07/2011 11:23

Sorry, but you need to get a bit angry here - because no matter what the trouble between you is, he CANNOT be allowed to think that walking out and making no contact for more than a few hours is ok when you are parents together.

He cannot behave like some five-minute boyfriend and strop off for days to teach you a lesson - which I bet he thinks he's doing.

You sound both in the wrong - but look now, two days later, you are worried and upset and trying to make amends - he is sulking, punishing and is staying god knows where.

I'd be BALLISTIC by now even if the argument ws entirely my fault!!

Do not call. Get on with things, and let this include thinking about what you would need to arrange should you split. I'm sorry but I think that eventuality is quite likely if this is the way he reacts. He sounds a deeply childish individual.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/07/2011 11:31

He thinks he's the most important person in the household and this is his way of demonstrating to you that you must put his needs first.
DOn't text or call him, leave him to stew and when he reappears, ask him if he's over his tantrum and prepared to behave like a grown up now?

blackeyedsusan · 20/07/2011 12:00

don't call him. get on with living and let him call if he wants. he seems to be very selfish if he gets upset when you are ill.

brass · 20/07/2011 12:06

I disagree about not calling him.

It's the first time he's done this.

I would be trying to contact him to find out what he's playing at. Ignoring him just says his behaviour in ignoring her is ok.

There is a problem. They need to talk about it. Not have stand offs.

VelvetSnow · 20/07/2011 12:23

OP - sorry if you've already stated this but, at this moment where is your DH and where are you?

You say he may be sleeping, but wouldn't you know that if he was at home?

If he is at home and you're not then get yourself back home.

You live there too, and if he isn't getting enough sleep in the day then he should've thought about that when he took the nights position - perhaps a discussion about a new day job is on the cards?

I'm only saying that because when dd was born DP was also on nights and bloody hell he was a nightmare, always tired, not eating properly, spending his morning watching shite on tv at home then sleeping until later on - he didn't get to spend much time with dd which he felt guilty about and also resented me slightly when I got the chance to talk to him about how cute she was etc etc.

I felt that I had to walk on eggshells in my own home, which I was not pleased about - I couldn't do hoovering, felt I couldn't have people over because he was sleeping, eventually I told him it was not good enough - the job pattern had to change.

Things are so much better now after that conversation.

I hope I haven't rambled on too much

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 20/07/2011 12:36

Thank you all for your advice, I've heard from him, and while he hasn't apologised, he has agreed to having a chat. Better than nothing I suppose!
And Velvet,you've described our situation to a t. I've been suggesting day work all along, but I always get 'just 6 more months and then I'll be in a better position to find better paying jobs'. I can't make him understand I'd rather be skint and have his time...
Thanks again to everyone that took the time to reply, MN is lovely

OP posts:

VelvetSnow · 20/07/2011 12:43

scented I thought it would be the same tbh :)

Let me know how things go and honestly if you just want to have a moan then PM me - I know exactly how you feel

Hope it goes well.

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 20/07/2011 12:49

Thank you Velvet, I will do! It's nice to know I'm not just being selfish by wanting him to do days, and that I can come out ok in the other side!

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 20/07/2011 18:11

Glad you've heard from him :)

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