Support thread for healing from childhood EA.

[PhishFoodAddiction]

I just wanted to start a supportive thread for those of us trying to come to terms with the emotional abuse of our childhoods.

Please feel free to post as much or as little as you need to, there is no pressure to reveal things or to respond to every post.

It's just good to hear from other people in similar situations.

A brief bit about my situation- my mum and step-dad were EA towards me for most of my childhood. Step-dad also used excessive physical punishment (until I got big enough to threaten to fight back). My dad wasn't abusive, but a part-time dad, and a drinker, who started a new family (stopped drinking)and made me feel pushed out. I really had nowhere to turn. I've been depressed since I was 14, am on ADs now and waiting for my second course of counselling- hoping to make some headway in moving on. I am still in contact with all my family and they don't know how badly the past is still affecting me.

I still find it very difficult to admit that I am suffering, as what went on in my family wouldn't seem that bad to an outsider (or maybe it would, but it was normal for me). I'm only just finding the strength to say, it was that bad, and it did harm me, as my parents just weren't adequate (I have 2 parents and 2 step-parents, out of those 3 are from dysfunctional families themselves).

Also, my depression worsened dramatically after having my DD1. I struggled so much with her in the first couple of months-as I had no idea what to do with her. I couldn't seem to comfort her, and then I began to wonder if this reflected the lack of comfort I got as a child. It can be so hard to parent when you don't have a good role model!

Well, that's enough from me, so much for keeping it brief

Hi all, am a bit too worn out to write much today but just wanted to check in.

Barbie, I have read your post and it sounds like you're doing all you can for your children. Making sure that they know you're on their side, that they can talk to you whatever they are feeling is very important I think. It's good that you're explaining that your stbex's behaviour isn't acceptable- however be careful what language you use so as not to demonise him to the children. (I found it devastating when my mum slagged my dad off, regardless of what my dad had actually done iyswim?)

I just think the main thing is lots of love and open communication which it sounds like you have with your children already. Good luck with seperating from stbex, I hope you'll feel happier when you move on. x

Hope everyone is okay. It's got very quiet on here, but I think of you all, and know it can be hard to post at times.

I had a brilliant dream about standing up to my Mum last night, it was fab I wish I had the guts to say some of it in real life!

I'm kicking myself as the expensive mistake I made earlier has now cost me another £75 and I've had to try and close my bank account down as they keep taking money, so I've been sorting direct debits etc out most of the day (note to self: do not buy dodgy diet pills on internet ever again!)

My Mum is actually being quite nice lately, and it makes me start doubting myself, or blaming myself for thinking badly of her-has anyone else experienced this? I did an inner child exercise to try and get past this but I still struggle.

I'm still feeling low, don't think I'm on the downward spiral yet, just feel very 'flat', lethargic and unable to do much. I ought to give myself a pat on the back for sorting everything out this afternoon, but I'm not good at giving myself praise, especially as my own stupidity led to the problems in the first place!

Hi Phish! Thank you so much for this thread - it's really helpful reading about other people's experiences. I can relate to so much of it - constantly doubting your own feelings, feeling guilty for 'letting your parents down', feeling that you are responsible for their happiness.

I found this thread at a good time because my parents have just let me down yet again. Cutting a loooooong story short - they are extremely controlling and there is never any 'space' for me to share my feelings or (heaven forbid) to feel differently about something than they do. They are due to come and visit me and DP today (they live overseas) for 4 nights - this is only the 2nd time they would have visited my/DP's home in the 3 years we have been living together. We live in London.

Out of the blue, my dad calls me last night saying they are 'worried about the riots' and would prefer to stay with my aunt (mum's sister) who lives outside London. (Our area has been completely quiet for 2 nights and I had told them this).I knew the second he said the words that the decision had already been made, and told him so. He protested at this, saying no no, they were calling to discuss it with me. He had absolutely no intention of 'discussing' anything with me, it was all set in stone, I just knew it. I protested and told him they were overreacting, there was really no need to worry, all quiet round our way etc. But he wasn't for turning. So now they are expecting me and DP to go to my aunt's place on Saturday night so we can all play happy families there. I had bought so much food, drink, flowers, even baked effing brownies! All to impress THEM! Such an idiot

I am FURIOUS and very hurt and yet again feel that I come at the bottom of the pile. I don't want to waffle on too much - I probably haven't given enough detail and I realise to some this may seem like a very small deal indeed. It's like a previous poster wrote - to someone on the outside, my family probably looks very calm and lovely and unproblematic, but it's completely different from the inside.

I'm hopefully going to see my therapist tomorrow for an 'emergency' appointment and will hopefully squeeze in a pedicure as well to cheer myself up! And I guess now I only have to deal with them for one night instead or four. It still hurts though, I feel like a child Thanks for reading x

Hi JosieRosie, I'm not suprised you're feeling hurt and angry that your parents aren't coming to you after you've made such an effort. It's horrible that they just made the decision without involving you in a discussion as well.

It's not a small deal- if it's a big deal to you then that is what it is, you're not overreacting imo.

A couple of benefits I can see are that you'll only have to deal with them for a night (and not in your house so you can get away if you need to) and you and DP can enjoy all the lovely food and flowers you've bought and made.

I hope tomorrow goes well for you, and enjoy the pedicure! Hope it's not one of those nibbly fish ones though, they make me feel a bit squeamish

Thanks so much for your reply Phish. No, definitely not a fishy pedicure - eek! Just a nice foamy-water-and-lots-of-lotion job

I'm feeling very fragile at the moment and swinging between feeling angry and feeling guilty for feeling angry. I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist this evening so I can start to pull apart what I'm feeling and decide how to play things when I see them on Saturday evening. I just want to do whatever will cause the least amount of pain and stress to me.

Thank you again for your reply - I feel like I need all the support I can get at the moment. How are you feeling today?

Ah yes, I often end up feeling guilty for feeling angry with my parents. I was never allowed to express my anger as a child and I think this is why I tend to think anger=bad.

I hope you and your therapist can come up with some ideas for tomorrow. How do you think you will cope? I find it so hard when there's something I want to say but instead I have to sit down and play happy families.

I'm feeling okay today thanks, but I've not had much time to think as I had to get DDs ready for a weekend away with their grandparents (PILs) They will be away for 2 nights, it's the longest we've been apart. I'm missing them already but oh the freedom! DH is working tomorrow so I have a whole day to myself for the first time in 4 years, I'm not sure what to do with myself to be honest!

DH made me laugh yesterday when we walked past a fishy pedicure place by saying the fish would all go belly up if he put his feet in

Let me know how you get on tonight, and if you need some support tomorrow before you go then be online.

Just bumping to say good luck today JosieRosie, hope you get through it okay.

Thanks so much for your good wishes Phish. I did go to meet them but came back the same day, so didn't stay over. Had a minor meltdown before we left our flat - threw a plastic bottle hard into the sink to let out some of my anger, shouted at DP and had a crying fit Pulled myself together and got on with it. It was ok, some pleasant moments. My Dad used his usual emotional blackmail trick of trying to guilt me into contacting my brother, who I haven't really been in contact with very much since he called me an effing c* at Christmas 3 years ago - nice. My parents CONSTANTLY minimise or ignore my feelings and I hate it with all my heart.

Sunday was not a good day - I spent half of it crying. DP was wonderful and really helps me to feel that I'm not going crazy, that my feelings really do make sense and it's them that's being unreasonable, not me. I'm glad they have left and that I don't have to see them for a long time. I'm going to continue with low contact - an odd text message and a phonecall every month or so, that works for me. I don't know when I will see them again, but feel a weight of expectation on my shoulders to visit them in the next couple of months.

Thanks so much for your support Phish - it really means a lot to me xxx

You're welcome, I'm so glad you got through it okay- and now you can get back to minimal contact. It's not suprising you felt so emotional before and after. It must be tough, but just remember that you're not obliged to visit them if it's going to hurt you. How are you feeling now?

I'm going through a really tough time with DH at the moment, but one good thing is that it's made me feel stronger. I actually managed to talk to my mum about a few things from the past and I didn't even get tears in my eyes like I always used to. From what she was saying, I think she is actually really oblivious as to my childhood being the cause of my depression and low self-esteem. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse really. It just makes me think we were a bit of an unfortunate mix of parent and child- I was more sensitive than she knew, and she couldn't be as caring and supportive as I needed.

Oh and she told me that depression is the 'family curse' through the female side- my mum has been depressed and has anxiety, my grandma was very depressed after having her children and my great-grandma had panic attacks and always worried about dying (though she lived to over 90). I guess that the family link, plus the inadequate parenting has led to me to where I am now. I'm hoping that the conversation we had may pave the way for further talks.