Support thread for healing from childhood EA.

[PhishFoodAddiction]

I just wanted to start a supportive thread for those of us trying to come to terms with the emotional abuse of our childhoods.

Please feel free to post as much or as little as you need to, there is no pressure to reveal things or to respond to every post.

It's just good to hear from other people in similar situations.

A brief bit about my situation- my mum and step-dad were EA towards me for most of my childhood. Step-dad also used excessive physical punishment (until I got big enough to threaten to fight back). My dad wasn't abusive, but a part-time dad, and a drinker, who started a new family (stopped drinking)and made me feel pushed out. I really had nowhere to turn. I've been depressed since I was 14, am on ADs now and waiting for my second course of counselling- hoping to make some headway in moving on. I am still in contact with all my family and they don't know how badly the past is still affecting me.

I still find it very difficult to admit that I am suffering, as what went on in my family wouldn't seem that bad to an outsider (or maybe it would, but it was normal for me). I'm only just finding the strength to say, it was that bad, and it did harm me, as my parents just weren't adequate (I have 2 parents and 2 step-parents, out of those 3 are from dysfunctional families themselves).

Also, my depression worsened dramatically after having my DD1. I struggled so much with her in the first couple of months-as I had no idea what to do with her. I couldn't seem to comfort her, and then I began to wonder if this reflected the lack of comfort I got as a child. It can be so hard to parent when you don't have a good role model!

Well, that's enough from me, so much for keeping it brief

Also on the dream thing, the toilet dreams relate to a need to cleanse myself emotionally and psychologically, which is very true.

Hi Phish, my ds is on a waiting list at present,he had counselling a few years ago but it didnt help,dont think he had a good connection with the counsellor so im hoping this time will be better.Im glad you started this thread,it helps us to know we are not alone and sometimes i really do feel alone so thanks.

Phish, yes, my DD does tell me about her problems. In fact I alternate between being glad she can, and worrying because she seems to make so much of them! I wish she could be a little more optimistic. Maybe the negativity is just a teenage thing she's going through.
I know I treat her far, far better than I was treated but I still feel bad because there are so few things I can do with her owing to my social anxiety: there aren't many places I can take her, we don't have family friends, and I have never been brave enough to be good at arranging playdates. My house is a very solitary place and she spends more time alone than I would like.
Although sometimes I think the most important things are just to let her know she's loved, and not to do anything terrible to her. I know I won't do that.

Hello all. Just wanted to pop in and say I'm reading all your posts and finding them very helpful. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone in what I experienced as a child and how it affects me now.

My head feels in too much of a jumble to post right now, so I'll just keep reading for now.

sixkids I hope he gets on better with the new counsellor. I'm glad I was brave enough to start this thread, it took me a bit of courage to do it, but I don't see it as 'my' thread, rather for all of us. I too felt very alone, until I realised I'm not the only one suffering as a result of their childhood.

Weevils it's just good that your DD has your attention when she needs to talk, that she is heard and has a safe space to share things. My girls are only little but I can imagine it will be a bit tricky if they come to me with problems- I'll be thrilled they can talk to me, but worried how to advise them, if I'd be overreacting etc. I think you're right about the most important things being shown love, and not being harmed.

thermos hi there, I'm glad to see you here. There's no pressure to post if you're not up to it.

I'm not feeling at my best today- we are going on holiday tomorrow and I just can't get motivated to get on and pack/ clean/ tidy house etc. I've never felt like this about going on hols before- usually I'm really organised, lists a go go and all jobs done, but I can't summon the energy.

I was supposed to do the last of the ironing tonight...and I haven't. I feel in a real 'sod it' kind of mood. DH isn't here to chivvy me along either as he's working tonight.

I'm not sure how often I'll be able to get on the internet, so if I don't post for a while it'll be because I'm busy doing nothing for a week

Take care all. x

Phish have a great holiday,well done for being brave enough to start a thread for all of us,im fairly new and its given me the opportunity to express myself,have a great time x

Phish, enjoy your holiday, 'see you' when you're back.

Morning all.

Urrgh. I really should phone my parents today but I just don't want to. I'm supposed to do a weekly daughterly Sunday phone call, but my recent realisation of their (low-level, it must be said) EA towards me makes me really reluctant, as I am far from having processed my anger and come to a decision about how I want to handle them from now on.

I already skipped last week's call and nary a word was said about it, although my sister did mention that I should get in touch with them, so maybe they've been on at her about my misdemeanors.

I need to let them down about something they want me to do (...but could not ask me about directly, of course ), and my inner 6-year-old is scared about confronting the godlike parents and telling them no, since I am not allowed to say no. Grrffttbjhthhlkt gah!

OK, copped out by sending them e-mail instead of phoning. After I hit send I just wanted to block their e-mail addresses so I don't have to read their response. Not that their response is likely to be vicious at all. Just... passive aggressive guilt-trippy.

It's that thing many of us complain about: on the surface of it nothing appears to be wrong with the way my parents relate to me. It's just the way it makes me feel because of the years of low-level neglect, invalidation, guilt-tripping, denigration and put-downs that any interaction comes on top of.

Well done Puppy..just changing the script from the usual telephone calls to e-mails can be a huge achievement for the likes of 'us'.

Puppy, yy to "on the surface of it nothing appears to be wrong with the way my parents relate to me. It's just the way it makes me feel because of the years of low-level neglect, invalidation, guilt-tripping, denigration and put-downs that any interaction comes on top of."
To other people, my mother now appears to be a sweet muddled old lady and I'm the bad guy because I am so impatient and hostile towards her.
And to the indirectness, too: for decades, any time my parents decided they were disappointed, hurt, angry etc over some mysterious expectation that they hadn't communicated and that I had failed to fulfil, I would hear about it through a third party.
I've managed to phase out phone calls with my mother. I just stopped calling her and hinted passive-aggressively made it clear I didn't welcome calls from her. So we went to e-mail, the frequency of which I have now managed to reduce as well. She has decided I hardly ever e-mail her because I work too hard. I still feel guilty but it's less unpleasant than actually dealing with her.

Hi everyone, how are you all?

I had a lovely holiday, it was very relaxing and I felt really good while we were away. When I got home yesterday I felt all the horrible feelings come flooding back in, literally as soon as I stepped through the door, I don't know why. So I'm not feeling great right now .

Just wanted to say hello really, I might be back later on but for now I just feel like crawling into bed and hiding there for a while.

I am a bit too worn out to write much, but a lot of stuff is coming up for me now. When will I ever get better? It such a long and frustrating journey, and patience isn't my strong suit.

Thinking of you all.

I don't know, PhishFood. I'm feeling pretty low about it all myself, since realistically I think the best I can hope for is to learn how to manage my self-hatred, and how to manage my emotional reactions to interactions with narc/enabler parents. But the harmful and hurtful emotions will never totally go away.

Feeling pretty hopeless atm, since tools for said management are eluding me.

Puppy I'm sorry you're feeling so hopeless. I so wish there was an easy cure for us all.

How did you get on with e-mailing your parents rather than phoning? Did it help you at all, or did they pull a guilt trip on you?

Hi Phish, I feel the same.

It sounds great that you want to externalise the anger now, though. Nothing worse than self-directed anger, wrongly attributed.

I tried smashing some plates against my garden wall last week, but it's kind of useless when you feel you have to do it "quietly" so as not to alarm or disturb the neighbours...

Any secluded nature spots you can drive to and yell? (Also tried to do that this weekend but felt a tad self-conscious, I must say.)

As for my parents: they replied with an e-mail that I only skimmed. I'm just going to keep feeling sick about any interactions with them until I come to some closure one way or another. I do think there are 2 lovely people in them just crying to get out, but their many decades of denial and warped behaviour are going to be too much for me to shovel through. And anyway that's their job if they want to do it, not mine. Lord knows I'm having a hard enough time with my own warped beliefs and behaviour! Where's the "off" switch on that inner critic, hey?

Oh I know, I wish I could switch off that negative voice in my head.

I'm quite impressed you've already tried plate smashing and screaming, I just daren't. I'm really paranoid that someone would hear and think I was in trouble, and that consequently if I was in trouble no-one would come. (Boy who cried wolf kind of thing). It's silly really, because I think a good old scream would release a lot of tension for me.

Re your parents, I suppose one good thing is that you can skim through an e-mail, rather than having to participate in a conversation and try to pretend things are okay. You concentrate on yourself for a while.

I've been reading toxic parents (which I didn't think would apply to me, but it really has) and it made me think how fake everything is with my mum. She thinks she knows me, but she doesn't have a clue. She thinks that I would tell her anything, but the past is a huge barrier between us, and she doesn't like me talking about certain things. I could never bring up why I feel the way I do. I could certainly never tell her that I have felt suicidal at times. She thinks I should be able to snap out of being depressed, that I'm 'giving in' to it.

The only way I can rub along with her is by going along with her opinions, giving in sometimes to her superior (in her opinion) knowledge and ideas etc, and suppressing the fact that I am incredibly angry with her. I'm getting a bit better at standing up for myself but it has taken a long time.

Do you find you have any physical symptoms at all? I have constant knots in my shoulder muscles (quite sore) and get headaches too, and I'm wondering if this is linked to holding things in for so long.

Yy to everything you said, as always! Mom's "superior" opinions, belief that we are close, and inability to hear about my depression.

My physical symptoms were lifelong knots in shoulders and dodgy tummy. Now that I am addressing the inadequate parenting head on (in my mind) and taking ADs, those have gone, and instead my physical symptoms are tense and shaky limbs. I've "listened" to my body, and it turns out that my limbs are tense because they want to punch and kick. Definitely anger trying to get out! That's why I've tried plate smashing and nature yelling: if that anger can come out, I'm hoping it won't be self-directed anymore (which would remove the main cause of my depression and suicidal feelings, imo).

I will - one day soon - pluck up the courage to post my own experiences. Then maybe I will be able to make some sense out of it. And some insight into how come I'm such a horrible person. Apparently.
Thank you for this thread, it has made me see there are so many people in my situation. My heart beat has gone up to about 150bpm just typing this, it is normally about 65! I will do it. For catharsis if nowt else. Might need a few days and a name change, but it will be done.

Puppy I hope the tension in my shoulders will go eventually, the aching from them is constant. Also I clench my teeth really hard at bedtime, makes me think there's something I need to say but I'm holding it back. Strange how we get physical symptoms of emotional pain.

Totally agree that anger directed inwards is a main cause of depression and suicidal feelings.

I had a rough day yesterday, I made a stupid mistake (which cost me £70) and couldn't seem to get over it- had a strong urge to hurt myself but I managed not to. DH was really nice about it and said mistakes happen, you've learnt from it, but I still beat myself up for it. Maybe I've never really learnt to deal with making mistakes.

I'm thinking of changing my ADs now, as am up to 40mg of citalopram now and it's not doing anything.

Hi HedleyLamarr, when you're ready to post I'm sure you'll get lots of support on here. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to talk about my childhood, especially because I felt for a long time that I was overreacting to everything. Hearing other people's experiences is really helping me.

Oh my -- I clench my teeth when I'm going off to sleep as well! I often find the insides of my cheeks chewed without being aware of how it happened.

I'm getting better at handling my emotional reaction to perceived mistakes ...slightly. Criticism really sets me off on a bout of self-hatred too, as do many social situations where people might judge me, oh noes! I've found that I can't stop the reaction, but being aware of why it's happening helps. And letting it come, observing it, and responding with a healthier thought if possible.

I used this step-by-step process yesterday as I spent 45 minutes sobbing because someone's criticism triggered an extreme emotional reaction. Following the 13 steps recommended by Pete Walker meant that this time I experienced feelings of grief rather than self-hatred -- grief for my hurt inner self and lack of self-esteem, rather than piling on more esteem-shattering thoughts of my own. It wasn't pleasant to experience the grief either, but it left no lasting harm the way the self-hating thoughts I usually turn to do.

Thanks for the link Puppy it was very interesting. It made me realise that I'm reacting to things in a hurt child way a lot of the time.

I'm sorry you were so upset by someone's criticism of you but it sounds like following those steps helped you get through it in a better way than usual. Did you find that you didn't dwell on the incident as much after you'd done the steps? I tend to ruminate on things a lot.

I find I take other people's negative opinions on board very easily, whereas compliments or positive opinions just seem to bounce right off me. So over the years I've acumulated all the negative stuff, with next to no positives to balance it out. Which is why I just feel like a pile of crap under a human skin, and worry that people can see what's inside me.

If only I could just reboot my brain!

I got really frightened when I was reading toxic parents, as I got to the end and it mentioned having a confrontation with my parents. I reckon I could easily write a letter to my Dad, as I don't feel I have as much invested in that relationship, but I was terrified at the prospect of confronting my Mum and Step-Dad. Hopefully I will get there in the end.

Didn't dwell on the incident and didn't kick myself at all, which is a resounding success for me. Just understood why I was feeling the way I was feeling and that that was OK, and even understood that the criticiser was just being his own OK self too.

And you know, I've now "forgotten" the incident emotionally. Whereas there's stuff from 18 years ago that I can still ruminate about!

(Btw I feel the need to specify that I usually don't get that upset by criticism that I curl up and sob about it. I'm just a big traumatised bundle of raw emotions right now so it doesn't take much to trigger me.)

Yeah, I haven't finished Toxic Parents either. Rushed through most of it, and then reeeeeeaally slowed down and put down the book somewhere in the middle of the chapter on confrontation. Too difficult to just absorb like that. I've also been putting off writing a never-to-be-sent "fuck you!" letter to my parents where I detail the whys and wherefores of my anger at them. I was kicking myself about that delay, until my therapist pointed out that I could congratulate myself for having made such a constructive plan in the first place, and to give myself time to face something that is necessarily going to be difficult and unpleasant.

The whole "give yourself time to progress" message is one I've been hearing in lots of other things. I'm even beginning to consider it! ("What? You mean I don't have to be perfect right away?" )

Ha, your last line just made me laugh- I'm terrible for giving up on things if I'm not immediately perfect at doing them. I rush into everything and bail out if I'm less than 100% successful. That's why I'm trying to slow down now, and also try to be proud of the effort rather than the results.

It's brilliant that you felt so different after following those steps. I've printed out a copy to look through.

I've been feeling quite raw this last week, and some things I would usually brush off have been upsetting me. I felt at one point like I was stupid for delving into all this stuff in my mind as it was just making me feel worse. But then I thought, maybe you have to get worse to get better.

Do you see a counsellor or a psychologist? I'm waiting for another round of counselling atm, hoping it'll start around September, though I'm really embarrassed to be going back because I skipped out of there last time all 'I'm cured!' and will have to go back with my tail between my legs!

Hi all, I'm on the emotional abuse thread but thought I would take a look here in a desperate attempt to support my dds and make sure they aren't damaged by the flak that flies around our home sometimes.

I have 2 dds, one 11 with developmental delay (about 3 years). She is very sociable and open. And a 13 year old who is very closed, is a good girl and peacemaker but has been taken advantage of by dominating girls at school, so has kind of given up on school friendships (she has 1, but not a group).

When I realised 3 years ago that I had been in a (mildly) abusive relationship for 22 years. But I'd like your views about how I'm handling my daughters so they don't end up with the damage many of you suffered from.

Here's the way i handle it

1. I have always 'fought back', openly, so that they understand that his behaviour is not acceptable. Unfortunately until 3 years ago I would get drawn in by his abuse, engaging in his mindgames through self-defence. Now I don't engage, or try not to, and point out that this is not acceptable behaviour, openly to them in the hope that they learn something at least.
2. I make sure that I regularly get one to one time with both, consisting of just being quiet and allowing talking space usually at bedtime.
3. I have realised that pushing dd13 into making friends, won't work so during the school holidays I am spending every other day with her alone, doing something, whether it's a trip or a walk. Actually it's me she wants, not loads of mates.
4. I am trying to engage in stbex's ranting as little as possible. He was shouting at the top of his voice this morning that I'm 'withholding sex'. Everyone could hear. This is the first time I've refered to him as stbex. (I'm not withholding sex, I just can't have it with someone that talks to me like a dog).
5. Up until this morning I was giving him the opportunity of changing so that when we do split he will be a good parent/ex. (He is a good dad in all other senses, works hard, does things with them etc.)

Your thoughts would be very welcome.

Hi Puppy - great link. Very helpful for me, I'm trying to 'learn' from these overwhelming feelings - when the conflict takes me back to a place I was when I was a girl, and it is all too much.