DH has an active sex life, just not with me.

[Innerdaemon]

Have name changed for this. I was going to post for advice on how to reactivate your sex life after having a baby and how to talk to my DH about sex, due to the fact that DH and I seem to have entirely lost our sex life, but a few things have come to light that put a whole new slant on my problem. Apologies for huge post.

We've been together for 3 years and in nearly every way is an amazing husband and father and we have a great relationship. He is gorgeous and I fancy the pants off him. But he has always had a lower sex drive than me, and in the past it's caused us a few problems. We have talked about it, though he finds it difficult and embarrassing to talk about and we have made some improvements and when ttc were finally at it regularly and starting to experiment more.

Fast forward to now, DS is 11 weeks old, and we have DTD about four or five times since I got pg and only once since he was born. I had a previous mc so DH didn't want to during the first 12 weeks, which I could understand. Then it was because he felt 'weird' as I got bigger about the baby being there, again which I could understand and I didn't really feel like it myself when I got bigger. But we didn't just have no sex, it was no intimacy or sexual activity at all apart from cuddling and I was a bit put out and quite frustrated.

As I said he struggles to talk about it, and it usually ends up with me talking and him just listening to me going on about how I would like us to be more open and have more sex. He finds it hard to open up to me.

So I've just been working under the assumption that we just have different sex drives (and he has even said this to me in the past). Then last night we went out for the first time together since DS was born for a couple of hours and we had a talk about it again. And I got out of him that he masturbates every couple of days and also that he pretty much always uses porn to do so!

Now I've seen all the threads on here about porn usage and I'm pretty laid back about it tbh, I have found it arousing myself in the past and I had an idea that he watched it and wasn't that bothered. But I'm just shocked at how often he does it, when we've not had sex for weeks!! When I asked him about it earlier he said it used to be a lot more and that he's calmed down a lot!!

I don't want to fly off the handle with him, I'm glad he's opened up to me and told me (finally) and I worry that if I go mad with him it'll put him off talking to me, but it totally changes my perception on why we're not having sex. He has also said that he is really tired and doesn't want to have sex when it takes ages. It takes ages because it usually sometimes takes me ages to come. I was conscious of this for years when I was younger and I didn't used to bother even trying at all with a man. So I feel that he's essentially saying he can't be bothered making sure I get pleasure. The last few times we have DTD I was just glad we were doing it so was just happy with a quickie.

So now I'm feeling really rejected and quite put out by the fact that he does seem to have a fairly normal sex drive, but has got into the habit of instant gratification at the expense of our sex life. I just don't know what to do or what to say to him. I'm hoping that this marks a turning point and that he will make more of an effort from now on, but I'm gutted that he seems to prefer porn to me. I'm a bit kinky very open minded and would love to share in his fantasies and experiment more. I asked him what he watched once and he showed me a film that was surprisingly erotic and female centric, romantic almost (lots of kissing, cunnilingus etc) and his kink seems to be stockings!

Any advice on how to handle this appreciated.

[Fairenuff]

small the OP wants to resolve the problems in her relationship.

The only problem, as far as we know, is sexual.

We know that porn is a significant factor affecting their sexual relationship.

What we do not know is why her DH is withdrawing from intimacy. It is probably some connection to his upbringing, as already explained by the OP and he may need help to overcome his 'hangups'.

The onus is not on her but she is the one asking for helpful advice and I am suggesting either he or both of them may benefit from counselling rather than her having a quick shag elsewhere

[ThePosieParker]

Masturbation to porn instead of making his wife feel desired is demeaning.

[Fairenuff]

and actually unenforcable

[Blindcavesalamander]

Ijust came back to this thread after an evening of children and supper and tears and husband upstairs with insomnia, trying to knit chaos into some coherent pattern and, in my soft brained and frankly emotional tiredness I'm comforted and amazed and delighted that all these women I'm never met and who have never met each other are all engaging and communicating with each other and striving to make sense of life and whole heartedly (I hope) trying to help someone find the wisdom that suits her best and will support her to take whatever the right course of action is. I feel madly moved and in love with M.N. !!! :o
Reading this thread to me is like one of those conversations where every point of view seems so valid that I agree with whoever is speaking. No wonder this question was origionally posted, it's such a 'grey' area for so many people. It's easy to judge characters in a novel, but real people are so complicated and when they do something wrong there are usually so many reasons behind it which they don't even know themselves for certain. O.P. If he is the first decent man after many bastards and a good father (the most important and valuable trait a DH can have in my mind) then he's definitely worth the effort and I'm sure you can sort this out ogether if, as A.F. points out, you BOTH put your all into it. He sounds decent enough to make sure the work isn't all one way if you can describe your feelings to him. He obviously has empathy. Pinky's wank ban idea sounds just the thing. It would show he was making an effort and could be fun if done with humour and love. I do have a feeling that not looking at porn so much will encourage him to look at you more. I will wait for another poster to say that's naive but it seems sensible ????????
But one other thing I have to say is that I do have a distaste for men who don't fancy their wives or partners when pregnant. I understand worrying about harming the baby at first, but really, pregnant women are so GORGEOUS I totally don't understand it and think they may be twisted (sorry) . Perhaps that just means that if I was a man that would be my fetish.I'll stop now as I'm rambling, I know.

[ThePosieParker]

If OP thinks her and her DH can agree that redefining their sex lives includes reprogramming then he may agree to a sex ban, he may see the long term benefit.

[Fairenuff]

"women of britain rifling through their linen baskets"

[Bunsouttheoven]

I can't offer advice my situation with DP is worst still. We have been together for 17 years (since I was 19). Initially we had lots of sex obviously but it dwindled to the point of maybe once a month, maybe less even. I found DP porn stash (pre Internet) asked him about it & he was v uptight said it was none of my business.
So skip along many a year of feeling rejected & very sad on my part.

We now have 2 lovely kids (TTC being the only real frequent improvement to our sex life). Now back to months on end of no sex & now if we do he often doesn't come (tmi).

I'm pretty sure he he is a habitual wanker,

I feel so sad & a bit pathetic really for not pushing for change over the years. I've made excuses in my head for him but really they've just been bs.

I am at a loss really. Don't feel I can talk to anyone about it. Recently when I asked DP if he cared that we hadn't had sex for months he said nothing. I had a bit of a strop about some possible flirting he had been involved in on fb. He said it was nothing. I explained I am sensitive about it as I feel we have no sex life & he said basically he needs a less stressful job. He does but that's crap because this has always been an issue.

I love him, I know he loves me but don't know where to go with this. It does eat me up inside & I wonder why I'm not good enough.

I do bury my head in the sand because it hurts to be rejected. Don't know what to do really.

[ThePosieParker]

oh buns, that's awful. You deserve to be desired. He has to talk to you, it has to be a dealbreaker.

[Blindcavesalamander]

A wank ban doesn't have to be 'enforced'. If he wants to improve the situation it could be an agreed trial, with other possible ideas for the future. She doesn't have to do any rummaging. And it's only part of a bigger picture with a loving goal. It's not to hurt or punish him and surely it's not THAT difficult to stop for, say a week or whatever the plan is. It's like a sex project. If he CAN'T leave porn alone even for a week then it must be an addiction and he needs help.
My posts are taking me so long I miss all the developments inbetween and before I send this in you will have probably totally solved this issue and all gone to bed!

[danniclare]

Sorry to hear about it, but it's a phase. DH has had 9 months of being terrified to touch you, finding another outlet. He should change, but has got into a habit and needs to remember what you had before.

[Bunsouttheoven]

Oh fuck forgot to name change, may have to think of a new name after my great outlet. Dammit!

[Blindcavesalamander]

Oh my God, poor Bunsouttheoven, My absolute deep sympathy to you. :(
I feel angry and resentful towards your DP on your behalf. You must be sex and love starved. You need love! I wish I knew what you should do. I suspect A.F. may know. My heart says that if you try your utmost to discuss it with him and he is cold then you need to find your love elsewhere and move on. Give him a chance, but don't grow old without love. Although I know it's difficult. You probably care for him and your lives and posessions will be so intertwined after all these years, and you would probably miss him too. Would you? Has he any redeeming features? He doesn't sound fantastic.

[Bunsouttheoven]

He does have a great many redeeming qualities, he is intelligent & funny, warm & a million other things besides but the sex thing is not good. I know it has damaged my self esteem over the years but always end up wondering where to go from here. I don't want to end our relationship over sex.

[suburbophobe]

Control > Alt > Delete>

him out of your life

NEXT!!

[suburbophobe]

Is it just me who is fed up of these women who exclaim

"he's a wonderful guy but he treats me like shit"?!

.....

[Bunsouttheoven]

Oh sub thanks for not showing any compassion. You must be such a well rounded individual that must really feel great.

[Blindcavesalamander]

Buns, don't give up and let it carry on. do all you can to get him to talk and if he won't even give you the intimacy of discussing it you may have to think of more difficult choices.

[Innerdaemon]

Oh Buns that's crap I feel for you mate. You do deserve to be heard about this and your DH has to listen.

I'm hoping to nip this in the bud, well as much as possible anyway now I know the truth. I can see that if I didn't push it it may end up with us both burying our heads in the sand too. Maybe it's time for us both (us and our DH's) to have a tough talk?

I am finding this thread immensely helpful, thank you to those who've taken the time to post. I was genuinely quite shocked by this revelation and it's been really helpful to hear everyone's thoughts. I keep x-posting though, trying to type this quick before ds wakes up!

I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere in my head with it now, iykwim? I DO have a problem with the telling me had a low sex drive bit as this is quite obviously not the case, and I intend to tackle him about this and about the implications for his porn use. DH has grown up a lot since we got together and I have had to 'train' him (in the manner of Monica and Chandler) in how to have an adult relationship. I have been married before (an abusive marriage) and had a dd whereas he was single party guy who'd never had a proper adult relationship. Before he met me he freely admits he was quite selfish but since we have been together he has listened to me and taken my views on board when it matters. I do think that when I talk to him about this he will understand that this porn/wanking issue is a problem as I honestly don't think he has seen it as such.

Something danniclare said struck a chord with me though, when you used the word 'terrified'. When we lost our baby I had only found I was pg about a week before. I started bleeding when we had sex, then I mc'd. We were both devastated and I know he worries (as do I, a bit if I'm honest) that it contributed. I know that when he said he didn't want to hurt the baby I thought it better to be on the safe side and not have sex. He was very protective towards me when I was pg and loving, just not sexually.

[Bunsouttheoven]

Thanks Blind, I know you are right, I will try. Thanks for listening, not something I can discuss in RL which is surprising readily since I am a big chatter!

[Innerdaemon]

Same here Buns, I'm just so glad I could come on here and ask about this as I have no-one I can talk about this to either. Most women I know seem to have the opposite problem (husbands wanting more sex) or have great sex lives. It doesn't half knacker your self esteem being rejected by your DH.

[Bunsouttheoven]

Thanks too Inner, I was trying to summon up the courage to start my own thread but never managed to brave it. Your post obviously rang a few bells for me though I think your situation is likely to be rather more redeemable. Good luck.

I've got to try & sleep now, I was supposed to be having an early night! Hard to sleep now though, going to have some lovely post sobbing puffy eyes in the morning

[Innerdaemon]

And incidentally I have NO intention of doing any rummaging! I was thinking of a wank ban being more along voluntary lines and being more of a porn ban. I have no problem with masturbation in addition to a healthy sex life but I think he needs to hear that it's not acceptable to be instead of one.

[Bunsouttheoven]

Spot on about other women always seeming to be the ones holding back their sex crazes blokes.

It's hard because rationally I think it probably is all DPs issue of being a bit sexually selfish, lazy & maybe uptight in some way. However, irrationally I feel like he settled for me & I'm not attractive enough for him to be interested.

Fucking hell wish i could be as clear cut emotionally as some claim they are.

Such a head fuck