DH has an active sex life, just not with me.

[Innerdaemon]

Have name changed for this. I was going to post for advice on how to reactivate your sex life after having a baby and how to talk to my DH about sex, due to the fact that DH and I seem to have entirely lost our sex life, but a few things have come to light that put a whole new slant on my problem. Apologies for huge post.

We've been together for 3 years and in nearly every way is an amazing husband and father and we have a great relationship. He is gorgeous and I fancy the pants off him. But he has always had a lower sex drive than me, and in the past it's caused us a few problems. We have talked about it, though he finds it difficult and embarrassing to talk about and we have made some improvements and when ttc were finally at it regularly and starting to experiment more.

Fast forward to now, DS is 11 weeks old, and we have DTD about four or five times since I got pg and only once since he was born. I had a previous mc so DH didn't want to during the first 12 weeks, which I could understand. Then it was because he felt 'weird' as I got bigger about the baby being there, again which I could understand and I didn't really feel like it myself when I got bigger. But we didn't just have no sex, it was no intimacy or sexual activity at all apart from cuddling and I was a bit put out and quite frustrated.

As I said he struggles to talk about it, and it usually ends up with me talking and him just listening to me going on about how I would like us to be more open and have more sex. He finds it hard to open up to me.

So I've just been working under the assumption that we just have different sex drives (and he has even said this to me in the past). Then last night we went out for the first time together since DS was born for a couple of hours and we had a talk about it again. And I got out of him that he masturbates every couple of days and also that he pretty much always uses porn to do so!

Now I've seen all the threads on here about porn usage and I'm pretty laid back about it tbh, I have found it arousing myself in the past and I had an idea that he watched it and wasn't that bothered. But I'm just shocked at how often he does it, when we've not had sex for weeks!! When I asked him about it earlier he said it used to be a lot more and that he's calmed down a lot!!

I don't want to fly off the handle with him, I'm glad he's opened up to me and told me (finally) and I worry that if I go mad with him it'll put him off talking to me, but it totally changes my perception on why we're not having sex. He has also said that he is really tired and doesn't want to have sex when it takes ages. It takes ages because it usually sometimes takes me ages to come. I was conscious of this for years when I was younger and I didn't used to bother even trying at all with a man. So I feel that he's essentially saying he can't be bothered making sure I get pleasure. The last few times we have DTD I was just glad we were doing it so was just happy with a quickie.

So now I'm feeling really rejected and quite put out by the fact that he does seem to have a fairly normal sex drive, but has got into the habit of instant gratification at the expense of our sex life. I just don't know what to do or what to say to him. I'm hoping that this marks a turning point and that he will make more of an effort from now on, but I'm gutted that he seems to prefer porn to me. I'm a bit kinky very open minded and would love to share in his fantasies and experiment more. I asked him what he watched once and he showed me a film that was surprisingly erotic and female centric, romantic almost (lots of kissing, cunnilingus etc) and his kink seems to be stockings!

Any advice on how to handle this appreciated.

[bail]

Your tone seems kind of nasty to me AF. Maybe Relationships isn't the place for you? Seems to get your back up when things don't go your way.

[AnyFucker]

it was a general pronouncement, bail, that I am sure many women who enjoy a good sex life would agree with

I made it to illustrate that his behaviour wrt to their joint sex life (where it appears he thinks only his orgasm is the one worth having) is less than fair

you are right, I do not ever expect women to dump their partners immediately

one would hope though, that these threads where others try to help by posting their own insights and experiences would have some impact...my hope is that a seed is planted that settling for this one-sided relationship is something that OP is worth much more than

whether that means eventually, if he doesn't pull his socks up, she does end it...or that he realises that she means business that she will no longer tolerate it, is of course for the OP to decide

[Innerdaemon]

I think bail said that she found it infuriating AF, not that you were infuriated...

AF you don't half make a shit load of sweeping assumptions, inaccurate ones at that! While I agree that it can be frustrating on some threads when you can see that someone is in a damaging or abusive relationship and they go through the process you describe, this is not that type of situation. And even if it was, you can only offer your opinion, not expect your advice to be instantly acted upon, then get annoyed if it isn't.

I posted because this isn't really something I can talk about in RL and I was looking for advice. Well, positive advice specifically. Which I got, thanks again to the posters who took the time to give it. How the heck did you deduce from my posts that I am ignoring the positive advice I've been given and that I'm not going to bring it up with him?? I have every intention to keep talking, now he has started opening up to me and will try the suggestions above.

Just to clarify, what exactly IS your advice AF if you have any? Apart from dump him that is. Do you have anything positive to add? If not why bother posting?

[AnyFucker]

and for the record, you are the one who keeps getting "infuriated" < shrug >

[AnyFucker]

last post was to bail

[jenny60]

So all is well now that he hasn't looked at porn for a week but you don't have a problem with it? This is confused thinking whatever your stand on porn. I'm not advising anyone to end anything, but I do think it's sad that you're willing to go along with something which seems to affect your life pretty seriously. You are waxing, trying to keep youself looking attractive, feeling that you can't compete with the women on screen, always have to make the first move, don't have as much sex as you want etc... Oh, and your DH isn't entirely truthful about the extent of his porn use? But you had great sex last night and all is now well What happens when he looks at porn again and becomes 'disinterested' in you again.

BTW a wank ban is effectively a porn ban for your DH, is it not?

[AnyFucker]

Inner, this is your thread

I shall take my cue from you and do one

best of luck

[Putthatbookdown]

Two can play that game you know Have sex but not with dh!!!!!

[bail]

I am the one who "keeps getting infuriated" ? Nah.

Innerdaeman, we'd get on in RL. Similar views on things, not just porn .

I am sure your situation will improve, it's early days. 11 weeks post-natel? I still had some retained placenta at that point! Good luck.

[Innerdaemon]

Seriously, AF I'm interested, what do you advise I do? Given that I have absolutely NO intention of settling for the status quo and want to resolve this.

Do you honestly think bollocking him will achieve my desired result - ie more and deeper intimacy? If not what do you think will help get the best outcome?

Fairenuff I think you may have misunderstood, by go with it I meant that I don't think there's much point in bollocking him/issuing ultimatums etc, and that I'm going to view this as a step forward, not that I intend on watching it with him. But now that you point it out, maybe detest IS too strong a word.

I strongly dislike the way society objectifies women (and popular culture is as much to blame for that), but I don't detest porn itself, rather what it represents as part of a bigger picture. I have found porn erotic myself in the past, and see it as it just IS. It exists, nothing I can do about it, I co-exist in a world where people have sex and film it so others can get aroused by watching it. If I saw it as a huge enemy and disgusting and wrong it wouldn't change society but it may damage my happy marriage and wreck my DH's confidence in me.

[ThePosieParker]

surely sex is part of a relationship? Not one man and his screen?

[ThePosieParker]

start with a sex ban and redefine sex as part of your relationship.

Porn, whilst I have my own ideas, is not a positive part of your relationship. \So whether you agree or disagree is by the by,. It is keeping your husband from being intimate with you, which is one of the more directly damaging thing about it. Never mind the vile underwolrd.

[ThePosieParker]

We all know AF is right.,

he's lied, lied and lied again. he's left you wanting OP believing that he doesn't want sex, when he's getting it elsewhere. sex isn't about real women anymore.

(excuse typing keyboard on the blink)

[Innerdaemon]

Where elsewhere smallwhitecat??

< interested >

I'm warming to the idea of a wank ban, I have to admit! How would you begin to redefine sex from here Posie?

[Innerdaemon]

What do you think AF is right about specifically Posie?

[ThePosieParker]

Relate have great advice. Go back to loving intimate cuddles. Kissing, touching eachother and connecting.

If he can't commit to no wanking then you probably need to insist on counselling,.

OP this is hurting you, and however others dismiss it, it's damaging,.

[ThePosieParker]

Pretty much everything she ever posts I'm a big fan!!!!

We make allowances in relationships that can send the message we're not worthy of what we want.

[Fairenuff]

Re-reading your OP Inner (just to get back to the point) you said that DH has always had a low sex drive.

If he masturbates every couple of days, he does not have a low sex drive (imo).

This may well have been happening throughout your relationship, not just since the pregnancy.

I agree you need to keep talking about it and, for now, the porn use is only part of the problem. How big a part you have yet to find out.

'Going mad' at him is likely to just make him more secretive about using porn.

Witholding sex isn't really what you want either. And looking elsewhere for it will certainly not help your relationship.

So, counselling maybe?

[ThePosieParker]

SWC. The wank ban is pretty standard advice for this sort of thing.

[ThePosieParker]

Eh? Wanking has lead this bloke into not wanting a fully adequate sexual relationship with his wife, he needs to unlearn his frankly selfish sexual drive. How can he do that i he continues wanking to plastic women online?

OP I would be devastated if my DH put the PC over me.