Should I tell him he's a father?

[Teki]

Hi,

I am in a relationship of 10 years and we have twins, but he is not the father. He knows this and love the twins unconditionally and is a fantastic dad.
I became pregnant during a bad patch between us, and then we got back together again. He knew, there was a chance the babies were not his, but he stood by me.

The biological father, is not the kind of guy I'd go for in reality, just someone I met often during my temporary break up. I knew it wasnt serious, so broke it off once I got myself together. now my twins are here, I wonder about telling this other guy he is the father. I want NOTHING from him. Nor do I want him in my life. But I feel he should know about my twins.

My sister says 'You do not have to be blood to be a father' so I think, maybe I should leave it, and carry on with life. But I do not want my boys to find out some other way when they are older - I do not wish to keep secrets from my children, as was done to me by my parents.

So, do I inform this other guy he is a father, making it perfectly clear I want nothing from him, and that the babies are in a loving family relationship, or do I carry on as is, like he never existed?

I am a good mother, and my partner is a wonderful father; my babies are loved by all in the family. I would not wish to hurt anyone, but kept secrets, in my experience, can cause many problems.

Thoughts and advice much appreciated.

Tx

Hello All,

Thank you for the replies. I must add, that posting on this site was to gain thoughts and advice in areas I may have missed whilst making my decision.

My partner and I have discussed this at length, trust me. He is supportive of me and whatever I decide.

We are going to get a DNA test. It cost over £700 for 5 persons which is a huge amount for anyone to front.

I have taken the advice from many of you who have been in the situation as I am. I have given great thought to telling the BioFather and telling my twins as soon as they can understand.

I got in contact with the BioFather. I told him of the situation(DNA test pending), and he was shocked - but NOT in a bad way. He was, more over, happy for me, and happy himself. He asked for pictures, and I sent him some. He said they are are handsome boys. There is a huge likeness between my twins and him. I told him that the DNA test will confirm more, and he said he'd be happy to help out there. At the moment, he works aboard, and will not be back for another 2 years. We have kept respectful contact and talked on the phone, and get on very well. My partner knows this, as I want everything to be kept open, so when it comes to telling the twins, they will grow up knowing who is their BioDad and, I suppose, their Step-Dad.

BioDad is NOT a bastard/arsehole or abusive. We met, had a fling, and parted. I went through with the pregnancy, because I wanted to. End of. I do not regret any of the decisions I have made so far, as I have given great thought to each and every moment.

@PurpleBridgett - I understand your situation. THere are many who replied who can totally relate to you... Your world had fallen apart, but are you not glad your parents had you? I say this, NOT to doubt you, but to see the other side of you and your parents situation. They wanted you so much. They did not know that they could've told you when you were a child how you came about but it seems our parents generation were taught to 'keep things secret'. Maybe, because of idle gossip from friends and/or social pressure - but how sad is that, that they had felt they couldnt say anything, because of these factors? Whereas nowadays, we know we have the choice to be open and accept a situation as it is. My mother kept secrets and it only made for a huge gap in our relationship. I know, it was the kind of thing her generation did, they never spoke about their problems, never had the counselling services we have now - but if they did, my god, alot of problems couldve been solved! :)

SiamoFotutti - I agree with you completely. BioDad DOES have the right to know. We spoke about this, and he asked me why I elected to tell him now. I said it was a good time,the twins are still babies, and leaving it until later on in life would screw everyones life up so bad. I do not want that. BioDad will eventually, have his own family, so telling him now gives him the chance to tell his current partner. But thats his problem to deal with not mine. (Of course, step-brothers/sisters would be great, and an extended family is fine with me. I am from a huge family on both sides...)

@ NanaNina - thank you so much for your reply. It gave me so much to think about and consider and has been one the most helpful posts in making my decision x

@Branstonandcheese - thank you for your reply!
@Bogeyface - you are very negative. I do this, not for my conscience, but so my children do not find out some lame-arse way, that their bio-father is someone else. The reason I posted now for advice and thoughts, is because it gives me time to work out how to introduce them to their BioDad as they grow up. I believe he and they have a right to know of eachothers existance. My conscience told me to be open, and thats what I'm doing. I couldve easily ignored it and gone through my childrens life hiding this huge secret, and for what? To protect them? I am not ashamed. And niether will they be. As I have said in a previous post, BioDad is NOT an arshole and will not interfere. You know, not all men are arseholes...

I know you've made your decision (only just seen this thread) but FWIW I just wanted to say good on you. The truth will out so it's better to do it in a controlled and supportive way (finding out when you're 21 and trying to cope with an unexpected pregnancy isn't great for example, speaking from personal experience!). Well done. And congratulations on twins :)

Brave of you Teki - really hope it works out for all of you, you certainly deserve it to.