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Original poster

Should I tell him he's a father?

81 replies

Teki · 16/07/2011 14:55

Hi,

I am in a relationship of 10 years and we have twins, but he is not the father. He knows this and love the twins unconditionally and is a fantastic dad.
I became pregnant during a bad patch between us, and then we got back together again. He knew, there was a chance the babies were not his, but he stood by me.

The biological father, is not the kind of guy I'd go for in reality, just someone I met often during my temporary break up. I knew it wasnt serious, so broke it off once I got myself together. now my twins are here, I wonder about telling this other guy he is the father. I want NOTHING from him. Nor do I want him in my life. But I feel he should know about my twins.

My sister says 'You do not have to be blood to be a father' so I think, maybe I should leave it, and carry on with life. But I do not want my boys to find out some other way when they are older - I do not wish to keep secrets from my children, as was done to me by my parents.

So, do I inform this other guy he is a father, making it perfectly clear I want nothing from him, and that the babies are in a loving family relationship, or do I carry on as is, like he never existed?

I am a good mother, and my partner is a wonderful father; my babies are loved by all in the family. I would not wish to hurt anyone, but kept secrets, in my experience, can cause many problems.

Thoughts and advice much appreciated.

Tx

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 02/08/2011 10:00

Also, all you idiots screaming about 'why did they have unprotected sex?' - how do you know that the sex was unprotected? No contraceptive is 100% effective, after all. SOmetimes women get pregnant (despite using contraception) by men who they later have no means of tracing. This isn't the end of the world and (as long as DC are told a diplomatic version of the truth in age appropriate ways) does DC no harm.

SiamoFottuti · 02/08/2011 12:42

of course it isn't. But theres a big difference between "sorry dears I couldn't trace your father, I would have if I could" and "sorry dears I didn't tell your father you existed because he didn't fit into my nice cosy setup and I only really cared about myself, not you or him", wouldn't you say?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 02/08/2011 12:52

I couldn't keep this a secret. Unless the bio dad is an abusive, violent arsehole, he should be told. It's not right to keep him in the dark in order to keep your own set up sweet. Children grow up, and they judge. Your children have the right to a relationship with their bio father. By not telling him, you are effectively denying them that. Life is complicated, you have to deal with it.

MizzyTizzy · 02/08/2011 12:57

If OM is the bio Dad I don't see how you can not tell him if you tell the twins about him.

How exactly do you explain why bio Dad doesn't visit/send birthday cards etc to the DC's when they ask? When other children at school etc say they had a card/visit from their bio Dad's on special occasions but your Dc's don't - what will you say....fair enough if he does a bunk it's easy to explain....but what do you say when you just haven't told him he has two DC's??

I think for the sake of the DC's honesty all round is going to be the best policy.

I just don't see how any dishonesty/half truths/omissions etc whether it be towards the DC's, OM, yourself or your DP is going to have any advantage long term.

Livedinthelie · 03/08/2011 10:33

I have actually lived through a very similar situation.

I found out who my real bio Father was when I was 13, it screwed me up for years. My Mother had no choice as he was named on the birth certificate and he did know I existed, in fact it turned out he had tried to have contact with me but my Mum had not let him. He was not abusive to my Mother, she admits that, she just didn't like him. Then again she is the kind of person that chews people up and spits them out and that is no exaggeration.

So I met him, he was not as I imagined, I loathed and hated my Mum and step dad at that point. My stepdad then died so I had/have many unresolved issues, I have had counselling. They had already lied to me for years as had other family members.

You need a proper DNA test first and then legal advice because though guilt/the gut feeling of having to do the right thing is strong the implications are huge for your family and telling them may not be the best thing for your family. I know that is going against what posters are saying and my own experience is negative, maybe it would be okay but you need to find out what kind of person he is now and look at every scenario.

Original poster
Teki · 06/10/2011 20:29

Apologees for the late reply.
I thank you all for your responses. It gave me a lot to think about to make my decision...

Tx

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 06/10/2011 21:39

It seems to me that you're putting the cart before the horse.

Get a DNA test done and if your dp is the father, come back to this thread with the result.

If your dp is not the father, please give more details of the BF including whether he lives locally, is currently married/in a relationship, has other dc, whether he was aware of your pregnancy, and whether his name is on your twins' birth certificate.

vole3 · 06/10/2011 21:46

If the DNA test shows that DP is not the biological father, explain it to the kids that they were conceived with via sperm donation.

They were, sort of.......

Positivechanges · 06/10/2011 21:50

I agree with vole - great idea as it explains the fact the biological father differs however shows how wanted they were.

Good luck whatever you decide.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 06/10/2011 21:51

As others say - do the DNA first

But, if it turns out that they are this other man's children, then I think he should know.

Because they should know.

Children have a right to know where they came from. Of course the man who brings them up is Dad. But do we not also say that children have the right to know their biological heritage? I mean, that's why records are kept re adoption, that's why sperm donors can no longer be anonymous - the child has the right to trace. Same applies here. To a large extent, it's not about you, your partner OR this man. It's about the children.

There would also be things like medical conditions to consider. You may need this information.

AbbyAbsinthe · 06/10/2011 21:52

I agree 100% with SiamoFottuti

OP, does that mean that you've made your decision?

PrivateBenjamin · 06/10/2011 22:09

I also agree with SiamoFotutti

I can't believe that anyone would think it is acceptable to allow the OM to go about his life not knowing he had children (presuming the DNA test shows they're his). Just because he and the OP didn't have a serious relationship doesn't mean he's an evil person who shouldn't be allowed the opportunity to share his children's lives. The children have a right to know about their biological history, and any other family members (siblings, grandparents) they might have. Maybe the OP's life wont be as simple as it is at the moment, living as a nuclear family, but at least there wont be any lies or deception in it.

fiventhree · 07/10/2011 17:06

Well, I will just say that I do know someone who is married with three kids, of whom the eldest is not the husbands> however, they did meet when she was only a few weeks pregnant. She knew she would never want to see the man again, as he was an arse.

But lots of people advised her that he had a right to know. And he is now a teenager and the BD is driving her nuts, and taking her to court every year, even though he has since married. There seem to be alot of access and which days where sort of issues.

Obviously the difference with the person I know is that the BD has been part of the childs life for a long time. But the mother bitterly regrets telling him.

Agree the children should know. Personally, I would have a hard think about the BD.

vixsatis · 07/10/2011 17:25

You need to be open and honest in the first instance with your partner. If the children are not his, how does he feel about the biological father being told/ involved? Ultimately I think that the best thing would be to tell; but, for the sake of a stable family for your children, you need first to reach a consensus with your partner on how this is to be done and what it may mean

MorallyBankrupt · 16/10/2011 19:54

Thinks like this ALWAYS come out. I found a big family secret out at 25 and I will never fully trust my mother again.

Don't make the same mistake.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/10/2011 20:49

Please remember that if you don't tell the Bio Dad that if in years to come they go looking for him it could destroy any family life that he has.

How would you feel if your DH suddenly had to sons turn up?

If you tell him and he keeps it a secret at least you will have done your part.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 16/10/2011 21:02

BBJ - there's nothing here to indicate that BioFather was in another relationship at the time they were conceived, so why on earth would it destroy any family life he has now? Presumably if he's in a relationship now his partner/wife knows he had sex before he met her, if he didn't know that created a child why should it devastate anyone?

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/10/2011 21:22

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern

I meant that
If he gets married and has children sometime in the future. Having children that he knows nothing about turning up could impact on any family life that he has.

Not telling him could not only impact him, but a wife/partner and any children that may have.

just because he is not suitable for the OP doesn't mean that he isn't suitable for someone else.

"if he didn't know that created a child why should it devastate anyone?"

if he doesn't know and they turn up in will create difficulties for any future family he has. I have seen two couples get devorced because of unknown children arriving on the doorstep.

tranquilitygardens · 16/10/2011 21:54

I agree get a dna test done with your partner.

Personally I have heard so many horror stories, I would keep quiet for the first year of the babies lives, give you all a chance to bond and have some peace for a year at least. After then if your dp is not the bio father, you should for the children's sake inform their bio father, and give them every chance to know where they came from.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 16/10/2011 22:37

BBJ - well, impact & devastate are two quite different things aren't they. There must have been serious cracks in those relationships for them to break up over a child turning up that was conceived before they met & the bloke didn't know about them. Perhaphs the ones you knew of were conceived when the men were with their current partners - that's the only thing I can see that would be 'devastating' or relationship ending.

heleninahandcart · 16/10/2011 23:04

Your DC have a right to know. This is the one secret you must not keep. They will accept it as normal if they grow up knowing this. You do not need to tell them until they are old enough to know there is a 'father than made them' and 'Daddy'. Definitely as soon as this would make sense to them.

DNA test first though. Then give yourselves time to form your family unit if your partner is not the bio father. Then, and only then you and your DP should work out what is best for your family.

birdofthenorth · 16/10/2011 23:16

Legally OP the fact that you're in a loving relationship with someone who is prepared to be a brilliant dad is irrelevant unfortunately. The bloke has a right to know & your twins do too. I appreciate this may rock your very happy boat at home & I really hope it doesn't cause you bother but I think informing bio dad is the only way forward unfortunately

cory · 17/10/2011 09:59

agree with everything sgb has said: telling them in their teens has got to be the worst of all possible solutions

everybody I know who has found out about "family secrets" in their teens has been seriously screwed up by it

crazyhead · 17/10/2011 10:25

I'd make a plan to tell him about his parentage if the DNA tests proved conclusive.

Sounds a bit tangential, but my boss who was adopted just got ill, and it has suddenly been a problem for him, in his 40s, not knowing his genetic history of illness. At least he knew he was adopted though.

One way or other, these things have a very long tail - if your children wondered where they got their looks/a personality trait from say, or did get an illness that might be genetic, what would you say?

It is a tough situation, but it sounds as though you and your partner have a strong relationship and the strength to work through these issues up front. Take care

purplebridgett · 17/10/2011 11:29

OP, all I can do is share my story with you and offer you the lessons from it. I found out at the age of 25 that my dad is not my biological father - my parents had fertility problems and used an anonymous sperm donor. They didn't tell a single soul on this earth but I still found out - a routine blood test when I was pregnant for blood group, plus some knowledge of genetics and blood groups gained when I did A level Biology, meant I realised my dad couldn't have fathered me. After spending a few weeks worrying my mum had had an affair I confronted her and the truth finally came out. It was a huge shock - my world quietly fell apart. I would much rather have learned about it when I was a kid. Not only that, I believe I had a right to know, no matter how difficult for my parents.

A twist in my situation is that my dad was diagnosed with a serious genetic disease when I was 20 and I'd spent 5 years worrying I was going to develop that.

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