Should I tell him he's a father?

[Teki]

Hi,

I am in a relationship of 10 years and we have twins, but he is not the father. He knows this and love the twins unconditionally and is a fantastic dad.
I became pregnant during a bad patch between us, and then we got back together again. He knew, there was a chance the babies were not his, but he stood by me.

The biological father, is not the kind of guy I'd go for in reality, just someone I met often during my temporary break up. I knew it wasnt serious, so broke it off once I got myself together. now my twins are here, I wonder about telling this other guy he is the father. I want NOTHING from him. Nor do I want him in my life. But I feel he should know about my twins.

My sister says 'You do not have to be blood to be a father' so I think, maybe I should leave it, and carry on with life. But I do not want my boys to find out some other way when they are older - I do not wish to keep secrets from my children, as was done to me by my parents.

So, do I inform this other guy he is a father, making it perfectly clear I want nothing from him, and that the babies are in a loving family relationship, or do I carry on as is, like he never existed?

I am a good mother, and my partner is a wonderful father; my babies are loved by all in the family. I would not wish to hurt anyone, but kept secrets, in my experience, can cause many problems.

Thoughts and advice much appreciated.

Tx

Sorry but telling them in their teens is shitty advice. They will hate you. They will hate your H. They will idolise their biofather even if he's a shit. Think about it - the teens are the most volatile time of most people's life. Being a teenager is about working out who you are - to be told, at this point in your life that actually you are not quite who you thought you were sends most people off the rails.
HOnestly, do the DNA test first. Then if Mystery Man is their dad, let him know and see what he does. Unless you think he is a raving arsehole, in which case tell the DC, gradually, in an age-appropriate way, that they have a biodad out there somewhere but that some people are not very good at being fathers, and that he was one of them.

I don't agree in any sense the bio father has a "right" to know. The world's full of guys who've had a shag without protection. They don't go around demanding to know if they've fathered any children - quite the opposite!

The people who have got that right are the children themselves. After a DNA test and several discussions with DH, I believe it would be sanest to arrive at an on-demand policy. So, frexample, when an aunt says something out of turn, or they learn about genetics at school (or from friends), you tell them the facts as they are relevant. I(if they want to trace him when they are older, you'll be able to give them his name and last known address.

My adopted friends were all brought up to know they were adopted in a similar way - the primary thing was they had parents who love them, but they weren't genetically related. No big deal. I'm sure you two can do that with your boys.

I can totally understand why you'd not want to tell - but you have to tell the children, I think.

Does your DP know that the children are not his? He would be my first worry closely followed by your sons.

I agree Garlic. In a nutshell - tell the DC, not the biodad.

wow, I can't believe that people think so little of a mans right to know. Can you imagine if/when he finds out in 10 or 15 years time and he never got the chance to know his children, see them grow up, share in their lives? How awful for him, and for those children!

It might seem ok in the abstract, but what if it was your DH who found out that he had teenagers, or your son who was never allowed to know about his children?

Honesty all round, there is no other option that is fair to everyone.

Again, Thank you all so much for your honest and open replies. There is so much you all have helped with, and I wholeheartedly appreciate your views.

My partner is fully aware of the situation, and we talk about any worries when they pop up. We have discussed DNA testing, and will gather the relevant information regarding the process. I totally agree with many of you who have said to get this done before progressing forward.

I grew up with my mother keeping my father at arms distance from me and my siblings and I utterly dispise her for doing so. My mother kept secrets and it has not helped my relationship with her. I do not want to keep secrets nor cause pain to my children when they are older. I actually do believe in fathers rights in all kinds of situations, and I have considered his feelings should the result be positive. If it is and the bio father wants access, then this is something my partner and I have to consider.
If he cant give two hoots, then fine with us both. I actually ask nothing from this man, if he does or does not wish to see my boys, just for him to know they are there.... T :)

Interested noone else has mentioned this, so maybe I'm wrong here, but aren't there potential legal complications of telling the bio father?

What happens if he DOES decide, firmly and adamantly, that he want to be involved in the childrens' lives? Does he have any rights, potentially? And what if he turns out to be an utter dickhead and a crock full of trouble in exercising those rights?

Does anyone know how this situation would stand? If it's all cut and dried and he has no rights at all, then fair enough. Anything less clear, and I'd be VERY way of disrupting a perfectly well-functioning family (something rare enough as it is, these days) just for some abstract "right to know" principle.

I don't know much about effects on kids of having such info withheld, but if people here are right and you're really concerned about telling THEM, then I'd maybe consider telling them their dad is not their biological father, but saying that the biological father was someone you've lost touch with completely and can't trace.

Of course he has rights. The courts quite rightly take a dim view of parents who lie to the other parent and deny access.
Advising OP to lie to her children is actually disgusting, IMO.

I agree with anothermum92. Family secrets are toxic and destructive. Three days after my 39th birthday my mum told me she had twin daughters nine years before I was born and gave them up for adoption. They contacted her so we all had to know.

It's been so difficult. One of them is the spitting image of her. They are lovely and we've all met but it's been so hard. I feel like my whole life was a lie for nearly 40 years. So many things I didn't understand about my family make sense now, but I still resent that I was born with this secret already in my life and it was kept for so long.

I don't think I'm ever going to get used to the idea. The twins always knew they were adopted and can't remember having been told. I will never forget the moment my mum told me about them. Please don't keep secrets, they do harm, even if someone doesn't know there is a secret it harms them, and you, just by it being kept.

You have my sympathy, it's a difficult situation. It sounds like you have a lovely family though x

I have considered his feelings should the result be positive. If it is and the bio father wants access, then this is something my partner and I have to consider.

If you tell him and he then decides to pursue his 'rights' through the courts, he will very likely be granted access. (Theoretically, that would be because the children may wish to have contact but are too young to make their own choice.)

But if you tell the DC and NOT him, then they'll be free to pursue contact when and if they wish to.

I'm not really understanding why you're so interested in letting him know. Have you got some personal, emotional motive, like wanting a reason to keep him in your lives or feeling your marriage might not last? Please don't be offended, I'm just asking not assuming.

Why didn't your DP ask for a paternity test when you got pregnant?

Even if I was going to carry on with the relationship I'd want to know if the children where mine or not.

Fair play to him, I think if he can cope with that, he'll cope with the bio father being in their lives.

Teko - so glad you are wanting to be open and honest about this matter. Yes DNA but you seem pretty sure that your DP is not the father of the children. Presumably there is strong physical resemblance to the other man.

Really it is the children who have the rights here, not the bio father. Children have a right to know their origins and they need to know as early as possible. Adopted children usually have a Life Story Book with pictures of BPs and photos of anything else that is relevant. In your case, the book could be quite simple - a picture of bio dad (if you have one) and then pictures of yourself and their step father and you as a family all together. If it's a picture book you can start showing it them around 18 mths /2yrs - I know this sounds early and they might not be interested but if you make it their special book, colourful and attracive they will grow up knowing the truth and so there will be no great revelation when they are older.

I cannot believe the posters who are telling you to wait till the boys are teenagers. I have 30 years experience as a social worker in fostering & adoption and if only they knew how horrendously distressing it can be for older children to learn (sometimes from other kids) that they are adopted or in your case that their step dad is not their bio dad. I have known cases where kids have gone completely off the rails at this revelation. SO tell them the truth asap obviously in an age appropriate way. I'm not sure whether the bio dad has the right to know - I think that is a matter for you and your DP to decide upon.

The other thing is that it is possible for your DP to get Parental Responsibility of the boys and it is a reasonably simple process, but you will need legal advice. I think the bio father has to be aware of this, but not entirely sure.

Bit late to this but here goes..

I'd be really wary about telling BD, you've already stated that you wouldn't go for him in real life and there must be reasons for that. By telling him you are opening up a potential nightmare and disruption to your family life. If you know that he is a genuine decent person that would only want the best for the twins then that changes things.

As for things I'd definately do.

Do a DNA test... a reputable one.
Tell the twins in an age appropriate way and expand on it as they get older and naturally ask questions. That way it will never be an awful shock to them and will simply be normal and your DP will be their lovely dad in all the ways that matter x

Yes, it's definitely two separate things: telling the DC (yes, definitely) and telling the biodad... well, have a think about the sort of man you know him to be. Is he a total cock? Is he a basically nice chap? Do you have any idea of his views on family and fatherhood?

I agree with garlic - this guy doesn't need to know, but don't lie to your children about it.

Like many other posters, I think you have to tell your twins. Secrets far smaller than this have destroyed relationships before now. My DMum, now approaching her 80's, only found out a massive family secret recently. It was something that had an enormous impact on her relationship with her own mother, to the point that they spent the best part of 40 years not talking. It is only since she discovered the secret, that my DM understands why their relationship was as it was. But it needn't have been like that. If only my Grandmother had told my mum, it would have made such a difference to her growing up. Sadly, my GM died before DM made her discovery and there is nobody else left in the family who would have been around at the time. It is so sad that my DM has missed out on so much because of this family secret. Don't put your children in the same position in years to come.

Wow. No wonder people think this place is full of vile harpies who treat men like shit. Way to play into the stereotypes ladies. FWIW I think those of you saying the man doesn't need to be told are disgraceful and entirely lacking in any kind of moral fibre.

The twins have a right to know where they come from biologically. That is what you should be thinking about.

To those saying that you should tell just the DC and not the bio dad: what if/when they want to meet him? Are they going to have the shitty job of surprising him?? The OP should clear up herr own mess, not leave it for the DC (and sounds like she will).

Sorry I mean sounds like she intends to clear it up, not she will leave it for the DC!

Both should be told but she should be putting the children's rights first, not the biological dad's.

I think you should keep quiet. Those that think that by saying that is somehow lacking moral fibre, I'd like to know what the biological father's morals are of sleeping with someone, presumbably using no protection and not following up or clarifying whether pregnancy was a risk.

The temporary partner clearly was a willing participant in whatever act of intercourse created the twins. But if he's not in the picture and wasn't interested in a long-term relationship with the OP, then why should he be involved at all?

I'd certainly be open with the children from an early age - just let them know the basics. But I wouldn't risk upsetting the status quo by telling their biological father.

My DD's biological father has had nothing to do with her whatsoever, since he learnt I was pregnant. Fair enough - his choice and his loss. But frankly, I'm relieved that he doesn't want anything to do with us as I'm not constrained in any way. If I want to move abroad, send DD to a certain kind of school, raise her in the way I think is best, I don't have to worry about him interfering. I can make decisions unilaterally. If the biological father of your twins does get involved, then those choices aren't yours anymore.