Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a date tomorrow and im in a panic and i need tips to end up not being the ' used for sex girl'

52 replies

lotsofrain · 15/07/2011 11:34

happens everytime i go on a date with somone.
Firstly i get all wound up because i worry im too fat, or ugly, or boring, or old or just not exciting enough and because ive been single for so long that im not entirely sure i even know how to be with a man in that way.
Secondly the rejection afterwards is just horrible, i find it quite hard to deal with. OR, i just get detmoted to not girlfriend material but will quite happily shag me. This is mostly what seems to happen. Men seem to just view me in a sexual way and try and i might i cant seem to stop this happening.
I need tips of avoiding this or how i can stop this being the case.

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 15/07/2011 11:36

Certainly don't sleep with them and don't even view sex as being on the agenda, look at a date as more of getting to know someone as a friend first, let them chase you a bit.

FlamingFanjo · 15/07/2011 11:38

ok, firstly, you are a gorgeous woman who this man is LUCKY enough to be taking out on a date! You are NOT boring, old, fat or ugly!!!

Put yourself back in control of this date. He isn't sizing YOU up as to whether you are good enough for him, it's the other way around! Is HE good enough for you?

If you want to shag him, great, do it. But if you're seriously want to get over these esteem issues I'd suggest trying to hold back. If he wants to shag you that desperately he'll get back in touch for another date, and if he doesn't, well, he's a bit of a knob and at least you didn't allow him to give you one!

Enjoy it, but be in control!

Blethermouse · 15/07/2011 11:40

Agree.. don't let them lead you, lead them. Sex not on the agenda for the first few dates and stage of relationship...by then you'll know what he is like and he will know you are not available on a just for sex basis if at all [make it clear and focus on other things]
good luck !

greybacksgirl · 15/07/2011 11:46

if you want a boyfriend ( as opposed to a one night stand) do not sleep with him until you have had at least 4 dates or a months worth of dates - whichever is longer!

holyShmoley · 15/07/2011 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lotsofrain · 15/07/2011 11:49

ah, you see. but ive not been shagging men on the first date. Ive been doing all those things and it just seems they just want to get you in to bed, then as soon as they do they are gone. or then they just follow it up later when they want more sex and nothing else. I though i was dating this man the other month, and then we had sex and he left about 10 mins afterwards. Nice. he was going to come round for coffee over the weekend, he came, within 5 mins had his hands up my dress, we did the deed and he left, literally within 5 mins. Grand total of time spent with me = less than an hour. I thought it was a coffee and pop round and then we were overcome with lust... clearly he thought otherwise.
I dont want to be that girl.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 15/07/2011 11:53

Aww lotsofrain. This sounds shit. I would suggest the problem probably lies with the fact that your low self-esteem is leading you to take a lot of shit from these blokes, and allow people who are probably not that great to take you out in the first place. You need to rework your idea of what dating is. You're seeing whether they measure up to your expectations. If you think that you're not good enough for whatever reason (sure to be absolute bollocks btw) then you will accept less in a partner. Be fussy. The higher your expectations, the better the person you will find. You are blocking off the good blokes by spending your time with arseholes.

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2011 11:56

I think you have lost your judgement with men, somewhere along the way.

What situations are you meeting these men in? Do you meet online? If so, you have to know there's a sweet shop mentality amongst these perfectly ordinary men, where women are emailing them, asking for dates, giving their numbers etc. Given that most of these men wouldn't warrant a second glance and that if they sat next to you on the bus you wouldn't even notice (or you might even get off and walk home instead!) you can understand how fantastic they think internet dating is. If a man walks into a pub and gets no reaction from women, then goes onto a dating site and has a dozen emails by the end of the night (and this happens) then he gets an over inflated sense of his own importance and attraction.

So - what do you like to do? How restricted are you as far as children are concerned? What sort of men do you really like?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/07/2011 11:58

Hmm. You are, of course, entitled to have sex or not have sex absolutely as you see fit, but I wonder if you are making Access to the Holy Fanjo such a big deal that it becomes a kind of challenge to the man? So that you are making him jump through all sorts of hoops before you'll 'let' him have sex with you: this is offputting to nice men and unfortunately, to less nice ones, it turns you into a bit of a game-object rather than a person (the objective is to 'win' and then it's game over).
Remember that dating is not about Making Him Commit, it's about seeing whether or not you like each other, in bed and out of it. And it's always, always a bad thing to be frantic for A Relationship - again, it puts off the nice men and sends out very appealing signals to the nasty ones. Work on yourself to the point where you are perfectly happy single, only then are you really ready to date.

Original poster
lotsofrain · 15/07/2011 11:59

no. my man radar is quite good. im not 100%, but quite good at weeding out idiots.
Its actually a rare thing that a man actually makes it out on a date with me, because at the slighest hint of a red flag or something i dont like, and it can literally be just a sentance he says i dont like, well. i wont go.

Its online dating, meeting actual men in real life when you are a working lone parent over 30 is otherwise near impossible.

OP posts:
Original poster
lotsofrain · 15/07/2011 12:01

goldbrass. nope you have that wrong. and ive been happily single for a long time, i would now, just like some company.

OP posts:
elastamum · 15/07/2011 12:03

Doo yourself a big favour. Do not sleep with them!!

Make yourself a rule that you wont have sex with anyone until you have been on at least 5 dates, including a day out together and have known them a least a month. All the tossers who are only interested in sex will have long gone by then and you will work out what you really feel about the man. If you want things to progress, by the time you do have sex with him, he will know you are far more than a sex object

Go on a date. Enjoy yourself but be clear that it is just a date. Also, if you must, dont shave your legs and wear ubnderwhere you wouldnt want him to see [gerin]

elastamum · 15/07/2011 12:03

Grin I mean

BitsyVonMuffling · 15/07/2011 12:25

You are sounding so passive. You don't have to be that girl. Take control and if he's obviously only after sex then don't go out with him again. And don't sleep with him.

Original poster
lotsofrain · 15/07/2011 12:26

That is a fantastic plan.
I think the problem with shagging someone you dont know all that well ( and its fine, if thats what you want to do.. and ive done that) is that once you have, you just become assocaited with sex and nothing much you can do, after that to change that opion.

As much as i would like that not to be the case, because i really think that if you want to have sex, then you should be able to. it does really seem that maybe being so liberal thinking isnt the way to go ( its not at all been sucessful in 3 years of dating) so maybe the holding out and waiting approach might be worth a go.

OP posts:
Original poster
lotsofrain · 15/07/2011 12:28

im not passive at all. if i knew they were only after sex id not have gone out with them. in fact i even, not so long ago actually said to a man ' just so you know, i will not be having sex with you, this is is just a drink' i cannot be more upfont and honest about that. ( and i only said that beause there had beena lot of flirting and i didnt want him to think it was likely sex was on the cards)

OP posts:
lastonetoleaveturnoutthelights · 15/07/2011 12:33

If you want a man for company, primarily (as you said in your post), then don't let sex come into the equation, in the beginning at least.

If you agree with this (and don't just do it because I and other posters recommend it), do everything you can to make sure you're not temped during an early date...

I can understand how sexy the 'he popped round and we were overcome by lust' thing must feel at the time, but as you say, in the long-term it didn't result in you finding company or feeling happy.

You're not being illiberal by not having sex in the early stages, just it's a different approach. You can still be liberal, but you're initially after company and a relationship, not sexual gratification. Is that right?

(Of course, once the groundwork establishes you've found someone right for you, the great sex will come hand-in-hand with the meaningful relationship bit, I hope).

lastonetoleaveturnoutthelights · 15/07/2011 12:34

Sorry, tempted, not temped!

Original poster
lotsofrain · 15/07/2011 12:40

Yes, absolutley. Im not after sexual gratification. Im after something abit longer term than that.
fab advice.

Im not getting the ' im going to try and shag you later' vibe from my date tomorrow. and its not been all sexual flirting. who knows, this might go better.

OP posts:
elastamum · 15/07/2011 12:51

Also, DO NOT invite him round to yours. Lots of men see this as a bit of a green light that something more might be on offer.

Go out, have a good time, come home alone.

Repeat as many times as you wish until you really know the man. Grin

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2011 12:53

You've made a classic error of flirting with them to the extent that you have to warn them that sex isn't on the cards. You should be chatting to them about everything, to see what sort of man you're dealing with. If you are flirting heavily then you're halfway to a sexual relationship before they've even met you.

This isn't a book I've read, but I think you might benefit from reading The Rules. You are being seen as someone they can have casual sex with and most men won't see that sort of woman as one they can settle down with. It's not fair and it's not right and it doesn't apply to all men, but it does seem to apply to a lot.

Which sites are you going on? Sites like Plenty Of Fish are well known for men who can't believe their luck that women are talking to them.

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2011 12:55

Yes, I agree - don't invite them round to your house.

In other cultures, being invited to someone's house is an honour. It's a sign that they respect you and consider you to be a friend. Don't ask people back unless you think this of them.

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2011 12:56

Someone mentioned going home at 11pm. That's a good idea to cut the evening short. Also watch what you drink. Do you drive? It might even be a good idea to drive there and back (but don't offer him a lift.)

FlamingFanjo · 15/07/2011 12:56

I met my DP online and he was the only one NOT to flirt massively with me before he met me. He didn't want to speak on MSN Messenger. He wanted to meet and talk to me after quite a slow build up.

Definately online dating puts men in a Sweet Shop type mentality, as well as alot of women if the truth be told.

So don't shave your legs, talk dirty before the date and keep your knickers on.

There are good men out there but finding them is hard. Stick to what you want and if you want spend more time with them, don't shag them.

elastamum · 15/07/2011 12:57

Take it slow. With my BF i didnt even kiss him properly until date 3. Was a month befor I even thought of inviting him round. By which time we knew an awful lot about each other. Worth the wait though Grin