I have a date tomorrow and im in a panic and i need tips to end up not being the ' used for sex girl'

[lotsofrain]

happens everytime i go on a date with somone.
Firstly i get all wound up because i worry im too fat, or ugly, or boring, or old or just not exciting enough and because ive been single for so long that im not entirely sure i even know how to be with a man in that way.
Secondly the rejection afterwards is just horrible, i find it quite hard to deal with. OR, i just get detmoted to not girlfriend material but will quite happily shag me. This is mostly what seems to happen. Men seem to just view me in a sexual way and try and i might i cant seem to stop this happening.
I need tips of avoiding this or how i can stop this being the case.

Just because you sleep with someone on date one won't mean it'll be a purely sexual based relationship.

How much do you laugh on these dates? My total fail dates/use me for sex tend to be the guys where we don't laugh, talk, but don't laugh. My relationships have always stemmed from fun dates and much laughter.

Regain control but also try and not be uptight.

really good advice and im definatley going to give it a go.
I always thought being liberal and free thinking and being able to have casual sex, or being sexually forward ( and being ok about that, because if i wanted something, id go for it and get it) was they way to go.
I actually dont think that at all now.
Because, what i actually want, now im a bit older ( ahem!) is for someone to be interested in me and what i have to say. not in how good i am in bed.

I agree, GeneralCustard, but the OP wants to make sure they don't see her as a shag, so it's probably better that she cuts sex out of the equation for the first few dates, for now at least.

i dont think i could ever be uptight ;) but i could maybe be less easy. Though ive never really seen it as that. more that i wanted a shag, so i got one.
Ive never seen sex as a thing to give, rather just as a thing i very much like to do.
maybe thats half the problem.
The laughing thing? havent a clue. cant see anything in that to be honest. and im not sleeping with all these men on the first night. and my marriage was based on a one night stand. so i know it can go either way, there isnt one set rule.
But i do think that maybe ive been going about things ( in relation to what im actually after) in the wrong way.

look at how you have "sold" yourself on your online profile too - maybe they are getting mixed signals from that>?

If you are " sexy minx, 32, looking for fun and frolics and maybe more" then you are going to attract that kind of men.

If you are "lonely single mum, 32, seeks kind man to mend a broken heart..." then you might as well stand with a sign saying "DESPERATE - will shag anyone who is remotely reasonable".

You need to go for an assertive and sensible "generously proportioned 32 year old seeks fun loving, sensible and sincere man for friendship initially.." type ad that doesnt make you sound like a sex crazed bunny boiler or lonely hearts club founder.

Treat every new date as a job interview - most decent companies will have at least two interviews before an offer is made, and only then would you consider that offer...meanwhile, if you were job hunting, you would still be going to other interviews.

This way, you can sit there confidently and let them know they are not the only person on offer (you are a gorgeous lady remember) and that you are auditioning them for the role of companion - and that there are others being considered....

Try old fashioned ways to find dates too - let your friends know you are single and looking, and see if they want to set you up, maybe in a double date scenario.

It sounds to me then that there really is no issue then. You've had a couple of wronguns recently - who hasn't and it's more of a minefield as a single parent i've been there! but really it sounds like you just need more self confidence on a date and need to realise that it's ok to turn a guy down and say "look this isn't going anywhere thanks but no thanks"

Hatti, "generously proportioned 32 year old seeks fun loving, sensible and sincere man for friendship initially.." can read "I have big tits and want sex" - fun loving is a euphemism online for meeting up for sex.

It's a bloody minefield out there!

imperialblether, eek! Just goes to show that I know nothing about internet dating!!

hatti- wouldnt dream of putting anything like any of those bits you said to be honest.
My profile says a bit about me, and what i like to do. ive got lots of hobbies, im a well rounded person, with a good job. Its witty ( though i do say so myself) but not arrogant. And ive got nice pictures. In no way is there any illuding to 'fun' or 'frolics' or boobs.

Ive tried all kinds of dating sites, from paid to free. This last attemp i was so ruthless i decided i was only going to date someone in a very good job who had proper hobbies/passions and who actually appeared to do something with their life. as opposed to just the usual. I though this might lead me somewhere better, but it appears not. You can wear a suit and earn £60k and still be a dickhead.

Easy. Just tell a prospective date (when conversation is appropriate) that you have a rule that you don't sleep with a guy for at least 3 months.

The sincere ones who are interested in you as a person will respect that. The players and chancers will quickly move onto their next target.

I wouldn't be mentioning sex at all. Some men would see that as a challenge, niceguy.

Stay sober(ish), only go out with them if they've made proper plans, don't invite them to your house or go to theirs and don't talk about sex before meeting them.

When you think about it, you have to be at his or yours to have sex, so if you avoid those places that will help.

Unfortunately a female cannot be sexually 'liberal' anymore if she doesn't want immediate relagation to booty call only territory.

It's really very deeply sad that men* can't just be grown ups about it all and respect you whatever happens but that's the way it is, especially with online dating.

I agree with the 5 dates and a day out thing before you get anywhere near having sex.

I do this now having increased it from a 3 date minimum... and it's difficult, because I have a ridiculously high sex drive and if I fancy someone then self control isn't my strong point. But it's got to be now so that's that. 5 dates and a day out then I will consider getting my knickers off if all else is well!

*= before some lone man pops up and posts saying he isn't like that, thank you and hurrah for you but 'men' in this post refers to the vast majority that I and my friends have dated.

The internet dating thing is different from meet in RL dating. The sweet shop mentality of many of the men makes them think they can have a 'sherbet dip' here and there if its available and they do seem to assume the woman wants them, in whatever way they have dreamt up, just because she has agreed to meet.

anothermum92 - yeah. I have held out before. got to 3 dates, quite liked the guy, didnt shag him, but then never heard from him again either.. and then i wished i had shagged him.

Seems you cant really win, but maybe thats just because ive not met the right person, and its not down to me and what i do, but them.
If they were going to shag and leave, then they were going to shag and leave all along.

I also met my DP on line. I also met trillions (slight exaggeration) of other twits along the way!!!!! Its a total rollercoaster at times isnt it. You really do have to toughen up - I ended up with a skin like a rhino, metaphorically speaking of course.

Tips I used to find a good one.....

Never ever let the texting/phoning etc. go down the sexual inuendo path - you do not know them! Its amazing that a lot of the men can turn anything round to filth! I used to tell them to get lost and never ever speak to them again!

Don't start swigging the wine before you go out! Or if you have to due to nerves make sure you've eaten a good meal and then SIP!

Make sure date can only last a couple of hours - thats enough for first one.

If I wasnt that bothered about them but needed a shag I'd probably have one after a couple of dates. If I really liked them I'd MAKE THEM WAIT!!!!!!

Good luck.... Won't tell you to go "have a good time" as I used to hate it all.... necessary evil though huh for us of a certain age and kids......

Quite funny, when you think about it, when people say nowadays, "I made him wait five dates before I shagged him!" as though returning to Victorian days.

(I'm not being critical, you have held out longer than I have!)

Can you imagine this in any other era?

I think it's important to analyse the signals during the dating phase (and at least 3 dates is sensible). When I met DH I knew he was interested in me as a person and not just for sex. He would call me when he said he would, he would text inbetween dates and remember information (such as important meetings at work). He was interested in me, my life, family etc.

With these guys did they appear interested in you and your life? Did they remember previous conversations etc..I think these signals are important.

Wear trousers, don't shave your legs or fanny or underarms for a week before, you definately won't get your kit off then. Do not go home with them or invite them to your home either. Keep it to a social event only where you stay out in a public place.

One thing a friend said to me that really struck a chord was that when you first date them men are supposed to be on their best behaviour. If you dont like what you see, it isnt likely to get any better with time!

I thing the five dates thing just gives you a chance to get to know someone before you jump into bed with them. But that time you 'know' where it is going to go, so trust your gut feel

No, DON'T read The Rules FFS. It's a disgusting sexist pile of dishonest shit. It might get a man to 'commit' but if he likes Rules Girls he's a prick and you will never be able to be yourself with him, never expect to be treated like a human being and never be able to own your own sexuality.
Also, telling a man that sex is not on offer can actually be seen as a bit of a challenge (to knobboid men anyway). Or an insult eg you are saying that you think he is a fannyrat who is only thinking about shagging you when he might well be thinking that he just wants to see what you are like and if the two of you hit it off or not. Sex is not something you trade to make men like you (or withold to make them see you as worthy of commitment), it's something you do because you want to do it.

If he likes you and you like him, which can sometimes feel like an impossibility, especially with internet dating when you haven't even set eyes on each other, fgs! Then it doesn't matter one jot when you time the sex. Just remember that and you will be ok.

I know what's happened here. You've got low self-esteem and so end up using sexy flirting as a way to attract men's attention or keep them talking to you.

So your online-dating emails are a bit "nudge nudge, wink wink" saucy. The blokes go along with it, then turn up for the dates thinking they're on a promise. You start off thinking, "Nope!" but then have a glass or two of wine, remember how much you like being in a man's company, relax, shag... Then they leave and you think, "Bugger."

This can't be sorted out on an online forum. If you're honestly having men turning up to your house and banging you and leaving within an hour, and you still think, "Why is this happening to me?" AS IF YOU HAVE NO SAY IN ANY OF IT, then your problems run quite deep. :( You've probably been used to using sex as one of your selling-points for a while.

My rules for you would be...

• Change how you see yourself. You're a working, single-parent over 30. But so am I! So are loads of us. In fact, vaginas are the one thing we DO all have in common. What makes you different to the rest of us who are walking round with fanjos? Talk about THOSE things! Seem passionate about your LIFE.

• Don't drink on dates. NOTHING. A glass of wine? Not for you, my weak-knickered lovely. You're on diet cokes until you can control yourself.

• If you ever indulge in ANY sex-related flirting via email ever again (even if only of the mild, saucy-seaside variety), I will come over and cut off one of your boobs. NO FLIRTING. Online-flirting with men you've never met in real life is just a bit... common. If you'd be embarrassed hearing it read over the tannoy at Waterloo, you're now no longer allowed to type it in a text.

• Don't read The Rules, read Why Men Love Bitches. No, it's not about being a bitch (it stands for Babe In Total Control of Herself) or playing games - it's about strengthening your backbone so drive-by bangings literally could never, ever even happen to you.

• Buy a vibrator. Seriously. Or a coffee-machine that takes more an hour to brew.

I'm liking Beautiful's rules.
Where are you meeting? Do you have a plan in mind? I'd probably avoid the cinema!
Can you make sure you have a plan straight after the date so there's no wondering on his part, plus he'll know you are busy and interesting.
I think you you should do some lady garden topiary, remove all the hair from just one side,or dye it blue it will look so silly that you will just have to keep your knickers on, at least until it's grown back.
Not all men are only after sex, some men are nervous and some wouldn't have sex on a first date anyway.
Treat the date as just going out and the possibility of a new friendship.
Have you sorted your outfit out?
Good luck, will come back to check how it went.