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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't take much more

55 replies

icecreaminmyhair · 09/07/2011 23:03

I think my husband is having some sort of mid life crisis or something.

I have two dcs. ds1 who is my son and ds2 who belongs to me and husband.

Husband is 50 and he's so moody. ds1 can't do right for doing wrong and it's like walking on eggshells around the house. He says the house isn't big enough and he needs somewhere to escape to when it all gets too much for him. He's so pathetic and feeble.

We can't go into the lounge after about 9pm because husband wants it all to himself. Starts to act stressed and like a martyr if he doesn't get his "me time".

He's taken early retirement and doesn't need to work. Has no money worries or debt although he's not well off. I work part time and also have another income and I pay half the bills, buy all the food and also clothing for the dcs. I recieve no child support from my ex. The dcs are well behaved and don't cause trouble around the place.

I really do my best and keep the house clean and everything but I just can't stand these moods Sad

I honestly can't stand him sometimes. We have no sex life as I can't bear him near me. He's like a teenager. I feel like such a fool. How the hell have I got into this position?

I know people will tell me to leave or tell him to leave but I don't know how. I don't know how I'd cope financially as I have enough to not need benefits but not enough to live properly ifyswim. I wouldn't be able to pay rent and buy food etc.

He's gone upstairs and is having a bath with candles round him now Hmm He bloody looks after himself and the rest of us just struggle.

Is he taking the piss? How do I get through to him?

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 09/07/2011 23:11

Oh, this sounds horrible and lonely for you and I feel so sorry for your DCs as well.

I think you need some counselling though as these problems sound quite deep. The no-sex, the 'me-time' secrecy, you sound the opposite of united and I think the communication doesn't seem to be there to build it. You can go for sessions at Relate on your own, so you could start dealing with this before you approach him, (You sound a bit scared of him tbh).

Is there someone in RL you can talk to in the meantime?

Original poster
icecreaminmyhair · 09/07/2011 23:16

I can't talk to anyone about it. I will try to find out where Relate are in my area. I've tried to get him to go to the doctors but he refuses. Perhaps he's depressed but it comes across more as just being selfish and having tantrums. His father lived his own life within the marriage and I think my husband wants this for himself as well. The problem is that the house isn't huge. His father and mother had seperate bedrooms.

I'm on antidepressants but there's only so much they can do.

I've had a lifetime of abuse from virtually everyone around me and I just feel so trapped. I dream of having a flat or something. I have pets I'd have to get rid of them and everything. I don't know what to do.

I told him I hoped he'd drown in his bath Sad

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 09/07/2011 23:18

why do you give in to his requests for "me time".
just join him in the sitting room.
what does he do all day if he doesnt work.
is he depressed?

Original poster
icecreaminmyhair · 09/07/2011 23:26

If he doesn't have his 'me time' he just has tantrums and makes our lives a misery. The only one he's nice to is ds2 who can do no wrong.

Me and ds1 did try and join him in the living room this evening but husband just couldn't stand it even though we weren't making any noise. He just went out and was making a huge fuss of going upstairs to watch television in the bedroom.

He doesn't work and just does stuff around the house or does shopping for his mum who lives near to us. He has plenty to keep him occupied and enjoys doing hobbies. He has the opportunity to do things socially but chooses not to and just says he's too tired to go if I try and encourage him to go out.

I think he might be depressed but refuses point blank to see the doctor.

His father enjoyed being miserable and I feel that husband is going down the same route. Don't know how I can go on like this because I'm on medication myself and due to have counselling for past abuse. I pretend I'm cheerful but inside I'm screaming.

OP posts:
Maelstrom · 09/07/2011 23:28

How old are the children?

LemonDifficult · 09/07/2011 23:38

You need outside help because he's clearly got a hold over you and his behaviour sounds controlling. Your behaviour is making you unhappy too and it all sounds so sad for your DS1.

Don't write the relationship off yet and don't believe that things can't improve, they can improve for all of you. But you will need outside help. Can you ask the doctor for family counselling? I'm not sure if it's offered on the NHS. Where in the country are you? The Church of Scotland has non-faith based family counselling as some of their outreach work.

nakedandangry · 10/07/2011 00:16

Where do you spend your evenings if you you can't go into the lounge after nine ?

It's all about HIM isn't it.

Do you imagine your future with him? Does he indicate that he would like to be closer as a family, with your Ds, with you?

If not you should work out if you need to keep fighting for this partnership.

Original poster
icecreaminmyhair · 10/07/2011 07:37

The children are 13 and 7.

I spend my evenings in the upstairs bedroom watching television or on the internet. Sometimes I go into the bedroom and he's having a lie down on the floor so I just go to bed. I don't know where to put myself. I've been considering just moving into ds2's bedroom with a mattress.

We can't do things as a family because he doesn't like being with ds1. I just take the dcs out by myself or ds1 and I do things together.

I will speak to him about counselling. He keeps promising to change and is generally okay during the day but once it's the evening he just goes round like a bull in a china shop saying he needs his own space. He has ample opportunity to go out by himself during the day or do his own thing but I can't understand why everything has to be about him round the house. ds1 just stays in his bedroom and that's not good for him.

OP posts:
heavenstobetsy · 10/07/2011 07:47

You can't do anything as a family because he doesn't like DS?! That right there is why you should leave him right now.

Your poor DS, knowing an adult dislikes him so much that he just stays in his room Sad

I know money may be tight if you go it alone, but your poor boy will be so much better off - abandoned by your ex, disliked by your current partner he must be so unhappy and you need to put him first IMHO

mummytime · 10/07/2011 07:56

I would also talk to a solicitor and find out what your legal rights are.
At 13 lots of DS's have clashes with their fathers, but this sounds like something different to that.

Proudnscary · 10/07/2011 08:12

How awful for you and your children (I include the favoured 7 year old as he is also living within a dysfuntional dynamic).

I very rarely suggest leaving a relationship on these boards, mainly to temper the knee jerk 'leave him' shouts, but in this case I think you do need to end this marriage. Your 13 year old will be damaged by this man, he will suffer low self esteem and anxiety.

I really feel for you and urge you to seek all the RL help you can get. It must be so hard as you are struggling with your own issues - but you sound like a good mother who puts your kids first which is why you know you need to confront this situation. You CAN get through this to a better place.

WriterofDreams · 10/07/2011 08:34

I know you feel trapped and I can totally understand that, but your DS is in a seriously abusive situation and you need to get him out as soon as possible. Having someone who is supposed to be your stepfather openly dislike you to the extent that they won't go out with you is hugely damaging. Does your son ever comment on this? He's 13 so clearly he'll be aware of it. You need to get out for yourself too, but in my view it comes second to the needs of your DS. When he's older and he mentions how much his stepfather hated him, how are you going to explain why you stayed?

ViVee · 10/07/2011 09:36

Hi, icecream, don't know if this will help, but you can get Relate counselling online. I took this route & it really helped gain clarity regarding my relationship.

Your situation sounds very stressful & lonely.

I have recently separated from my H, he didn't get on with my teenage DS (not his). I didn't realise how detrimental the environment had been to DS until now. The change in DS has been amazing, he's happy, more confident, spends time with the rest of the family (not in his room), we even have conversations (!!!)

That was just one of the reasons I left H.

I hope you are OK

HerHissyness · 10/07/2011 11:06

How long has this bizarre behaviour been going on OP, surely it's been building over time?

You mentioned being abused in previous periods in your life time. I believe you are being dominated/abused now.

In normal households the Lounge is MINE after 9pm would be dealt with in VERY short shrift. Not wanting to go out with DS1, because he doesn't like him would be enough for many mothers to show this guy the DOOR!

Regardless of his strops, you need Defiance OP, don't allow him to rule you like a tyrant. This is disgusting behaviour and will be seriously detrimental to your DC. He gets nasty, call the police, get bigger and nastier on him. Show him that he can not and will not bully you or your dear boys.

You need help, RL help. You need to talk to your GP, you need to be referred for counselling.

You are waking up to his treatment of you, and your sons. This is good. May not feel like it now, but long term you will see that this is a great thing to happen to you. You will be free, you will be happy.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? It may help you see that it's him and not you.

Please get RL support, please don't keep this a secret, it's unacceptable.

buzzsore · 10/07/2011 13:30

You need to protect your sons from this. Go to CAB or a solicitor and find out where you stand financially and legally. As a single parent your entitlement to tax credits etc might change and you can work that out on the 'entitled to' website. Your h would be expected to support his son too. You must change this situation as it will be harming your eldest particularly.

StealthPolarBear · 10/07/2011 13:38

he doesn't like your DS1 and it sounds like he doesn't much like you either. Please give hi what he wants - all the "me time" he'll ever need

Struck me that he is retired and home all day but yuo do all the cleaning

TubbyDuffs · 10/07/2011 13:39

I feel depressed just from reading your OP.

You need out from this situation, either through counselling and sorting it out as a family, or by walking away from him and his obvious issues.

Your poor son.

When I read the OP, I thought your children might be older, but on hearing they are only 7 and 13, I can't help but feel despair that they have a long way to go before they can leave home.

Get yourself to counselling of some sort, find out what your options are and take some positive action - don't let your boys turn into him (as he turned into his father).

TheSecondComing · 10/07/2011 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 10/07/2011 13:46

Your DS will be feeling unwanted. He will. What an awful way for him to feel. You could be a fantastic family of 3, as equal and valued members. You just need to lose one

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 10/07/2011 13:56

So you do all the cleaning, yet he is at home all day?
He needs "me time", yet he is at home all day while everyone else is working/at school?
He bars you from the living room after 9pm - words fail me!
He is rotten to your eldest son (and your younger son will be picking up on that and learning from that and possibly be scared to find himself in the same position)?

Does he have any good points?

He doesn't seem to be adding anything to the family. He is basically a selfish prick. I am not surprised you don't want sex. I wouldn't want to be near him either.

I would seriously be thinking about a get-out plan.

clam · 10/07/2011 14:04

Look, even if you decide that you can put up with this on your own account, you cannot and must not continue you with it for the sake of your older son. I can't imagine how damamging this must be for him.
Please deal with it, for his sake, if not your own.

maristella · 10/07/2011 15:14

Oh my goodness your poor DS :(

What kind of person assumes responsibility for a child then proceeds to belittle and bully them? Disgusting behaviour.

You need to keep your chidren safe, and their emotional safety is utterly compromised here, in particular your DS1.

Be the parent they need and keep them safe

StealthPolarBear · 10/07/2011 15:18

yes, if he doesn't like the OP's DS he should be able to figure out where the door is. The DS was around first (presumably and even if not, there are a million other arguments why he gets priority)

Original poster
icecreaminmyhair · 10/07/2011 15:46

thank you for all your kind replies.

I am worried about ds1 and how he is feeling. I am going to do something about it. I told husband this morning that he was going to have to figure out a way that we could split up as I can't continue like this. I am making sure that ds1 feels loved and valued by me and he knows that I stick up for him but I can't change the atmosphere in the house and I know that that's bad. Even ds2 laments that fact that his father doesn't like ds1. He asks me why daddy is unpleasant.

I keep the children close to me and we have trips out together and do lots of stuff without husband. I would really like my own flat.

OP posts:
Original poster
icecreaminmyhair · 10/07/2011 15:52

Do I speak to the CAB regarding benefits?

OP posts: