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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't take much more

55 replies

icecreaminmyhair · 09/07/2011 23:03

I think my husband is having some sort of mid life crisis or something.

I have two dcs. ds1 who is my son and ds2 who belongs to me and husband.

Husband is 50 and he's so moody. ds1 can't do right for doing wrong and it's like walking on eggshells around the house. He says the house isn't big enough and he needs somewhere to escape to when it all gets too much for him. He's so pathetic and feeble.

We can't go into the lounge after about 9pm because husband wants it all to himself. Starts to act stressed and like a martyr if he doesn't get his "me time".

He's taken early retirement and doesn't need to work. Has no money worries or debt although he's not well off. I work part time and also have another income and I pay half the bills, buy all the food and also clothing for the dcs. I recieve no child support from my ex. The dcs are well behaved and don't cause trouble around the place.

I really do my best and keep the house clean and everything but I just can't stand these moods Sad

I honestly can't stand him sometimes. We have no sex life as I can't bear him near me. He's like a teenager. I feel like such a fool. How the hell have I got into this position?

I know people will tell me to leave or tell him to leave but I don't know how. I don't know how I'd cope financially as I have enough to not need benefits but not enough to live properly ifyswim. I wouldn't be able to pay rent and buy food etc.

He's gone upstairs and is having a bath with candles round him now Hmm He bloody looks after himself and the rest of us just struggle.

Is he taking the piss? How do I get through to him?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 10/07/2011 15:53

good for you, hope you can get out soon

buzzsore · 10/07/2011 16:04

You can try the online benefits adviser here. You can also talk to the advisers at your local DHSS office if you prefer to do it face to face.

You need some legal advice about the assets of the marriage, so a free half-hour consult with a solicitor might be a good start. CAB will be able to talk you through your options too.

Hufflepuzzpig · 10/07/2011 16:12

Fuck, how awful :( you and your boys deserve so much better, and you are doing fantastically to have spoken to him. What was his reaction?

What kind of arse kicks his whole family out of the room FFS. Tell him to piss off out next time if he's so desperate for time alone Angry

pictish · 10/07/2011 16:17

It's not helpful, but if I were 'banished' from my own sitting room like that, I'd go in there and march around it banging pot lids together and blowing a whistle.

pictish · 10/07/2011 16:20

Seriously though....poor you and poor kids. My dad was nice enough to me, but awful to my brother and it really hurt my little heart to see my brother treated so nastily.

He has this HUGE sense of self entitlement here, and it's not realistic and it's not attractive.

I can see precisely why you wish to leave.

neuroticmumof3 · 10/07/2011 16:37

I agree with HerHissyness, this sounds like control and abuse to me. You're walking on eggshells, his mood dominates the home, his desires are more important than anyone elses, you're living with a dominator. I too would recommend reading Lundy Bancroft and/or Pat Craven's Living with the Dominator. It sounds like things are really horrible for you and your DC at the moment, esp DS1.

3littlefrogs · 10/07/2011 16:45

Legal advice/CAB now. I would strongly advise you to sort out your bank accounts now, in case he decides to empty them.

maristella · 10/07/2011 18:11

I've been thinking about your family's situation a lot today, especially that of your DS1.

A woman I know stayed with her husband despite him despising their oldest DS :( She eventually left him, long after the DS was turfed out of the house. Her DS has a really bad drugs problem now, as does her DD1, although not to the same extent. The damage this nasty piece of work did to a lovely family goes on and on :(

I strongly suggest you seek legal advice, and not leave the organising to this abusive, selfish bastard. It really is time for you to take control

Original poster
icecreaminmyhair · 11/07/2011 08:31

I have spoken to him and also sent him an email (which he hasn't read yet) detailing how I feel and that I can't continue like this.

He has some money that he has inherited which he has been using to buy property for the rental income, so I have suggested that he buys me and ds1 a flat to live in and I will pay him a small rent each month. There are two such flats just up the road from us and MIL is currently living there too, so we'd all still be together ifyswim.

I don't plan on divorcing and I will still retain my share in the family home. Neither of us want to meet anyone else and ds2 will remain with my husband but will be able to stay with me frequently if I'm just up the road. I will buy bunkbeds for me and him.

Husband is shocked but agreeable.

OP posts:
Original poster
icecreaminmyhair · 11/07/2011 09:06

I have emailed a professional consellor who does family counselling in my area.

I shall tell husband that if he doesn't attend the counselling I shall definitely be leaving. I am also going to tell my sister in law about what he has been doing because she is aware that there are problems and does get on to him about it. He might listen to her.

He has just stormed out because I think it's dawning on him that I'm serious.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/07/2011 09:10

"He has some money that he has inherited which he has been using to buy property for the rental income, so I have suggested that he buys me and ds1 a flat to live in and I will pay him a small rent each month. There are two such flats just up the road from us and MIL is currently living there too, so we'd all still be together ifyswim.

I don't plan on divorcing and I will still retain my share in the family home. Neither of us want to meet anyone else and ds2 will remain with my husband but will be able to stay with me frequently if I'm just up the road. I will buy bunkbeds for me and him".

So your H still gets what he wants ultiamtely which is for both you and DS1 to be out of his hair. The relationship as well between DS1 and DS2 if you go ahead with this scheme could well fracture beyond repair; why can't both of the children be with you?. Why does one of them have to reamin with your dominator H.

I would certainly read the books you've already been recommended.

The above comment of yours sounds like a dreadful idea bordering on the disasterous and not thought through at all properly. You seem to be stuck in the abuse cycle and have been in that for years.

Why are you planning on remaining within this empty shell of a marriage and not divorcing?. Home is but bricks and mortar after all.

What on earth are you both teaching your two children about relationships. Your H learnt very damaging lessons from his parents and all of this is being fed down to these children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/07/2011 09:11

Counselling for him, pah. He will never go to any such sessions and will turn it all around to make it all out to be your fault again.

Also no decent counsellor would see the two of you together anyway due to the ongoing nature of the abuse you are all suffering at his hands.

If counselling is being considered you should go alone.

clam · 11/07/2011 09:25

Pay him rent? Leave your younger son with him?
Are you insane?

BecauseImWorthIt · 11/07/2011 09:31

Why on earth would you leave your son with him? What kind of message will that give DS2? You are, in effect, rejecting him and making it very public that you prefer his older brother.

You take both of your children with you. Please, please, please don't leave DS2 behind, no matter how much your DH loves him.

Original poster
icecreaminmyhair · 11/07/2011 09:37

I don't think he'll let me take him Sad

I don't want to leave him. I'll still see him every day. I don't prefer his older brother I just thought it was a good idea. He's very close to his father.

Crap, I dunno what to do for the best now.

I think perhaps husband should leave instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
icecreaminmyhair · 11/07/2011 09:40

I'm waiting to speak to his sister. She's a nice person she'll know what to do. She was disgusted by his behaviour towards ds1 last time she was visiting us. She's very calm and will be able to help I think.

OP posts:
CelebratedMonkey · 11/07/2011 09:47

I know you're in an impossible situation, but please don't separate your sons.

loopylou6 · 11/07/2011 09:49

Seriously WTF? you are gonna stay married to him and leave ds2 with him Shock Are you out of your mind?

loopylou6 · 11/07/2011 09:51

Yes, make him leave. Are you named on the mortgage?

loopylou6 · 11/07/2011 09:53

If you leave the marital home and leave ds with him, you are technically handing full custody to your h and if you do divorce the court would probably rule that as you gave up custody willingly then your son will remain with his father.

TheSecondComing · 11/07/2011 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
icecreaminmyhair · 11/07/2011 10:17

We own the house jointly.

OP posts:
sparks · 11/07/2011 10:33

You say "He has some money that he has inherited which he has been using to buy property for the rental income" and later on you say "we own the house jointly."

As you are married, all of these things - the money, the rental properties, the marital home - belong to you both. Please seek legal advice, either from CAB or from a solicitor, before you agree to anything. And as others have said, the standard advice in these situations is to stay in the marital home with the children.

BecauseImWorthIt · 11/07/2011 11:15

Either he leaves or you leave. If you leave, the children go with you. If he leaves, the children stay with you.

Simple. End of.

clam · 11/07/2011 11:28

You need to take back control here. This is your home, and you are not to be banished from any part of it. You have two sons, who must be treated fairly and equally. If he does not wish to participate fully in family life (with you ALL) then he can leave.
You say he "won't let you" take your younger son. How about telling him you "wont let him" stay. Fight back. Your sons, both of them, are depending on you.