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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you knew he'd take up another offer

20 replies

Anansee · 08/07/2011 22:59

If you knew or suspected that your partner would take up on interest from another woman given half the chance and probably wouldn't think twice about dumping you if that happened BUT was nice as pie and very lovey dovey when he saw you, what would you do?

OP posts:

wileycoyote · 08/07/2011 23:05

What makes you think that Anansee?

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/07/2011 23:05

If we're talking actual partner here, rather than just someone you're dating, I'd probably think seriously about what I was getting from the relationship and whether I wanted it to continue.

VioletV · 08/07/2011 23:11

Knowing now what I know about my ex then I would jog the bellend on.

Original poster

Anansee · 08/07/2011 23:19

I can't explain this. I just have this image in my head that one day he's going to admit to having met someone else and says he thinks its best that we split. I don't know why, I guess because I kind of feel he only wants me because he doesn't as of yet, have anyone else and "im better than nothing" but he hasn't said this and has given me no reason to beleive he has met someone else. My head feels a mess right now.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/07/2011 23:22

Is there any foundation for your thoughts? You sound a little paranoid....

Original poster

Anansee · 08/07/2011 23:31

I know that is how it comes out. I sound like a low-on-confidence paranoid stalker but that isn't how it is. I just can't explain it. He has lied to me many times before and I have seen how easily it comes to him. I don't think he's ever had an affair whilst being with me but I once saw a conversation on facebook that he was keeping from me where he was BLATENTLY allowing it to lead into dangerous territory deliberately not mentioning my existance to this woman etc. and then we have split up twice before, both times it was obvious he couldn't really give a shit either way and then I found out he'd been knocked back by a woman he'd tried it on with and so he came back asking if we could get back together. I didn't know about the other woman when I agreed to give it another go but it shows that the intention to get with someone else was there. I also spoke to his wife once who let it slip that he'd struck up a very close friendship with a neighbour and began spending tons of time at her house and even taking her out for days etc and it was only when they split up that he admitted he liked the neighbour more than friends so given half the chance, he would surely have cheated there on his wife?

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/07/2011 23:34

Ok so there is foundation. Tbh he sounds like an arse. Men who lie don't change, it is either in their nature or not.

Original poster

Anansee · 08/07/2011 23:37

but as far as I know he hasn't lied to me for ages. My friend always said a person never changes, they just get better at hiding stuff and that saying keeps coming up in my head and its turning me into a complete nutcase. I'm looking for evidence that just isn't there because my subconcience is telling me "keep looking, he'll slip up sooner or later" but i don't want to live like this. One time he was popping into an office and I was waiting in the car and we were listening to music on his phone. I asked "could you leave the phone so I can listen to the music while you're in there?" and he answered very quickly "no" and he wouldn't leave it. Why would you act like that if you had nothing to hide?

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/07/2011 23:39

Anansee, this (and your other thread) seem to show that you're really not very happy about this whole situation.

To be brutal, it sounds as if your DP may be what I think of as trader-upper (for want of a better term). I've had a few of these. They're with someone rather fabulous but they're always casting around for the next/different one (rather like trading your car in every few years). I challenged one about this once and he said it was about the "new-ness" of the replacement model.

I hope I'm wrong though... He may just like the attention?

Original poster

Anansee · 08/07/2011 23:45

I get the impression that he's lazy and can't be arsed to look for another woman so he's sticking with me until that better woman presents herself to him.

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/07/2011 23:49

Ouch! Is that because of how you feel about yourself or how you really believe he is? Hard to explain the difference there. I suppose I'm asking you if this is about you or him.

Do you want him?

buzzsore · 08/07/2011 23:49

You sound very unhappy. Perhaps you should think about whether this relationship is right for you, whether he's cheating/lying or not. It sounds like he lost your trust a long time ago and if you don't believe he's with you for love but for convenience, then that is crushing to your self-esteem. Is this relationship worth it?

Original poster

Anansee · 08/07/2011 23:55

thats the problem, I'll never know if he's lying or not because I just don't trust him anymore and no matter how many times he proves to me he's telling the truth, I'll just disbelieve him on something else.
I honestly believe that's how it is Belle because for the brief period we did split up he made a move on one woman, she blew him off and so he tried a dating site, got rejected many times on that and so came back to me. Now I know (or strongly believe) that is another woman he liked showed an interest he wouldn't think twice. He's very low on confidence and doesn't go out or talk to other people easily so its much easier for him to stick with me iyswim?
I think I've just had enough to be honest. He hasn't done anything wrong though which is what is making all this so confusing. He hasn't done anything, he's been nice as pie to me since we got back together. I just can't help thinking its all superficial.

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 08/07/2011 23:58

Hmmm... He might not have done anything wrong (well, nothing that you can evidence) but he hasn't made you feel loved and cherished else you wouldn't be feeling like this. If you're not happy and you can't see a future with this man, then I guess you have your answer.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/07/2011 01:45

Well, you say he's been sniffing around previously. He doesn't sound all that deeply committed to you. ANd you sound like someone who wants a deep level of commitment.
There are no absolute guarantees in relationships, but if you need an absolute commitment to feel happy and secure, then this man is not the right partner for you, because he is Just Not That sufficiently Into You.

ImperialBlether · 09/07/2011 10:02

Is this a man you have commitments with, ie children and a home?

You can't live like this, you know. Trust your instincts.

ImperialBlether · 09/07/2011 10:20

One thing, if you dump him you will immediately be more attractive to him.

HerHissyness · 09/07/2011 22:33

He is at the very least playing you.

he is also perhaps doing whatever these creatures do to get you on the hook so he can bring you down, manipulate and ultimately destroy your self esteem.

Whatever the FF he IS playing at, it really doesn't matter in the end.

He is NOT that into you.

YOU deserve more than this.

Why are you sticking with this waste of space? he will hurt you mentally and possibly physically.

ShoutyHamster · 10/07/2011 09:35

I think you've answered all your own questions.

Your instincts are saying he's not to be trusted, and he won't give you what you want. Always listen to those instincts!

Why don't you start thinking of this from the other way around? He's the one who isn't coming up to scratch for you, my dear!!

There you go - that's what someone whose confidence is where it should be would think. So think that way!

'I think I've just had enough to be honest. He hasn't done anything wrong though which is what is making all this so confusing.' - that's what you, with a leetle bit of a battered confidence by the look of it, is saying.

He doesn't have to have done anything wrong (though the facebook stuff sounds as if it fits the bill for me!!) - you've just had enough. That's fine and sensible. He isn't what you want. You are wasting your very precious time with him.

Dump (nicely) and move on

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 10/07/2011 09:52

This is all a bit Boxroom...

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