bizzarre behaviour from DH, mid life crisis??

[dizzy36]

last November my husband declared that he had had enough, he felt he had to leave, hes felt like this for a long time, we are incompatible, he can't relate to me?? I wont do anything, he doesnt want to waste anymore years, he wants the opportunity to find someone whos going to love and take care of him? the list goes on.

After basically sulking through november, December and most of Jan he walked out on me and my 2 children (11 and 2). He continued to come to see them almost every day and saw my older child on a sunday. He even talked about taking the time as a break and that he would be home again soon, he went from loving me to hating me from one week to the next, it was exhausting but i hung in there. He came home in Mid march, 'tried' for about 2 weeks then the mood swings came...he didnt love me anymore, i'm not the one, he doesnt see any future for us blah blah

surprise surprise I found out at the begginng of June that he had been seeing a young girl at work, an employee, shes 25, hes 40 this year. The strange thing was it seems to have been an emotional fling rather than a physical one and it wasnt going on for very long yet he said he thought he was in love with her! a few days after he confessed we decided to try again...he said he loved me, he wished he could turn the clock back, so glad he hadnt lost me etc. Then on saturday he walked out!

I have found out lots of things since, things he said like the fact that he only came home in march because i was making it 'awkward' for him to see the kids, that he was begging this girl to take him back in May when he was still at home. I am pretty disgusted with what i have heard.

The one thing he kept on saying was he wished he had clarity, clear thinking. I have no idea what that means so couldnt help him. dont we all have clarity, the ability to think clearly, know the difference between right and wrong?

My oldest starts secondary school in sept and my daughter nursery, I practically begged him not to leave until they have settled in school, he refused and i am now telling him he must leave them alone until then. The last time he left i could see my son felt an awful lot of pressure to please his dad i.e. make sure to go and see him, which he doesnt need right now. My other half is not happy to do this which is understandable but he needs to understand that he chose this situation and its time to put the childen first as its all been about him for the last 8 months. He even chose a rock climbing outing to tell my son he was going!

I firmly beleive he is having some kind of mid life crisis because he acted exactly the same the year he turned 30. I just cant beleive i'm still willing to work things out. Sadly, when he does come to his senses it will be too late and he will have lost the 3 most important people in his life.

sorry for the 'going on' it has been a very long and harrowing 8 months.

i

had a discussion with dh this week that turned quite nasty, threatening to not pay the mortgage or maintenance.
basically, i contacted him on the weekend to discuss access regarding my 3 year old. I asked if he would like to start seeing her a couple of mornings or afternoons. He said no, he would rather have her for whole day this week and 2 whole days next week. to compromise I asked would he consider 4 hours each visit rather than 6, i explained again my concerns about her not being away from me before for such long periods, and we should start off with short visits (as per the legal advice i had received previously) due to her routine. Again, he refused, saying she can have her nap at his house.
He just wont compromise.

Why is it all about quantity rather than quality, why does he want to disrupt everything in her life. I feel he is not considering our daughter at all. When i mentioned that she cried for her mummy the last time she visited he said no she didnt...thats ignoring her needs.

I think my dh wants them to live with him as much as they live with me. How is that fair on them and why now after all these years does he want to be involved in their lives so much. Dont get me wrong i think its great, my sons had a new bike, being taken to alton towers next week, hes loving it. I am not convinced he is genuine though otherwise why the big rush with our daughter, why not allow her to get used to the situation, why not visit her at our home, call her occassionally so she can hear his voice.

I'm convinced he is bored and lonely in his house and they are to fill a void. This is a man who joined facebook 2 weeks ago and has over 100 friends already, this might not sound like much but he has never gone internet chatting saying it was for sad people, (all part of his mid life crisis)

I think this new start he has envisioned for himself involves taking the children away from me and i'm getting scared. He heard a horror story about a husband getting joint custody (her half the week, him the other) because he got a top lawye and wiped the floor with hers.

what can i do, i've tried being friendly, compromising but nothing. Has anyone else had a difficult time with dh and access with kids. I so wish my dd was a lot older and could tell me how she feels and what she wants as my ds does, life would be so much easier

Hi. Just read through your whole thread and I think you are amazing. You dont deserve all this crap. I have no advice to give unfortunately, except to say that nothing lasts forever.

Do you think that possibly once he feels he has won, he will lose interest? I do agree it is all about control.

When my mum died all I got was 'it happens - deal with it!' and that speaks volumes and it hurts doesnt it? You know then that they dont care about you.

Stay strong and focused. You are doing really well. Dont dwell on 'horror stories', even if it is true, it is I am sure, quite rare for something like that to happen.

50/50 childcare = no CSA mainenance

Keep a detailed log of all that happens and make swathes of notes about how much time he actually spent with dd before he left, any landmark moments, and try and find out who can support your version of events.

Good luck

just a quickie, when i suggested to my dh to come and have tea with the kids one time and also maybe have a day out as a family in summer hols...as we have a 3 year old and also to show them that mum and dad still get on he said no because he didnt want to be around me. I said the feelings mutual but i would do it for the kids. He also, struggles to look at me when he picks the kids up.

Now i understand him being all moody when he was at home and he didnt really want to be there but why still...the whole i dont't want to be around you seems a bit extreme. Maybe hes still trying to put the boot in. And the not wanting to look at me could be guilt. he seems to have taken all the reactions that i should be having (which i've not because cant be bothered)

any ideas?

Hi Dizzy36
have lurked on your thread at times.
All this stuff sounds like control. He needs to get over himself - hah - and think about what is best for the kids. My counsellor said re my abusive ex and my concerns re making it work for the DCs that it is a question of trust. Basically, he has broken your trust in him, so it is logical to you absolutely to worry about how much he can be trusted with the DCs and his motives - remember that umbilical cord never really breaks it just stretches as they get older. It's something he can't possibly understand. Guess that may be why you can see positives of doing something together with the kids and he can't. You want what is best for DCs, even if it hurts. He wants to avoid guilt.
And yes he is projecting his guilt on to you. He fears looking into your eyes because he will feel guilty.

thaks you not sorted, my worry is will a mediator see it that way, would they accept that as their mother I know whats best for them. My dh has had his one to one with mediator and has told me i am in for a shock, have no idea what he means. Can they force me to let him have them as much as he suggests. Hes telling anyone who will listen that 'I just want to see my kids'. He does see them! just not on his terms. he keeps banging on about me 'pissing about, causing them more pain, my state of mind'. He is the one thats done these things.

I wasnt sure at first but i am certain now that it is a control thing, that is his first thought, not the children.

He brought them home early last nite as my dd wasnt feeling well (i did tell him before hand that she'd been a bit off). Has he rung today to ask if she ok? no! It is guilt....the not looking in the eye, not ringing....its out of sight out of mind. If he doesnt speak to them he wont feel guilty.

i did mention earlier that he did this 10 years ago when my ds was one. I remember clear as day when he left i was holding my ds, dh would not look at him, just walked out...I always thought it was because he didnt care....it was guilt back then too.....dont look at the baby and u wont feel guilty...

This is beyond cowardice...i dont know what it is.

I told him recently he should have been a man and worked on his marriage..he said 'man up?, I did and left and i can sleep at night' Sorry mate you've got guilt written all over you...if you sleep at night its because your trying really hard to avoid thinking about what you've done. If you show the kids a good time...new bike, alton towers...then you've absolved yourself. Cannot beleive its took me all this timeto figure him out.

I now also know that me and the kids were always plan B, I have took him back over the years and am sure he is convinced i will do it again this time if plan A doesnt work. Well i have set him straight on that one. this chapter in his life is well and truly closed. Plan B is no longer an option.

Also, the facebook thing, he added my family members for some unknown reason who told me that not only has he added the girl he had a fling with, and the mother of his first child who he hated for years, he spends his time putting naughty/rude limericks on there! how old is he 40 or 18. Still thinks hes not having a mid life crisis? He is feeling his age and trying to 'start again' before its too late....adding friends like theirs no tomorrow. He is turning into such an embarassment.

It is bizarre, he has left his wife and kids to sit in a house in the middle of nowhere playing on facebook every night

guess whose started to change his tune...

dh has suddenly started to be a bit more pleasant when he texts (the only form of communication he can do). no more threats or insults. Its only since yesterday so could be counting my chickens.

He still repeats himself over access to the children...just not in his usual hysterical way.

The week after he left, a i wrote him a letter (yes i know, silly me). That was about a month ago and apparently he only received it a few days ago (misposted or something). The letter was basically accepting my part in the breakdown of our marriage (yes, silly again), saying what i should have done differently and i hate to admit but apologising for making him unhappy.

Anyway, yesteday he text to say 'i got your letter the other day as it was mis-posted, i was quite surprised by what you wrote and how you wrote it. It seemed like you understood the situation, what changed???'

He obviously doesnt know that i sent that letter a month ago and lot has happened since then i.e he has made my life a misery and i told him so, thats why i avoid him as much as possible.

The letter seems to have prompted a change in him, I really hope its a permanent change, maybe hes realising that i'm not pineing for him and wont let him walk all over me with regards to the kids, I have no idea. I have not asked him what he means by 'seemed like you understood the situation'...vague as always. I can only imagine he was suggesting that because i accepted my part in the breakdown, i was accepting his leaving the family which was not what i was saying.

Life is getting better each day. I hope meeting with mediator will make things even better, and he will back off with regards to the kids.

My daughter found messages on my h tablet from ow,in April and when I confronted him he admitted to having an affair for the last 7months,he ended the affair and we tried to move on from it as we have been together 23 years but kept arguing and after 7 weeks he couldn't take anymore and left and has now moved in with the ow with her 4 children.i did notice a change in his behaviour last October and he was acting strangely saying he wanted to be on his own and he didn't love me anymore and what we had has gone.

@Di669. Sorry this has happened to you. You’ve responded to a thread that’s 8 years old.... if you are looking for support for your situation you should start a new thread as people will often ignore a zombie thread

My h admitted to his affair after our daughter found messages on his Facebook it had been going on for 7 months and he regretted it and finished it.we have been trying to move forward from this but the arguments were getting worse do he left and said that he couldn't take it anymore and has moved in with the ow and her 4 children,one month on and it's still raw but I'm getting stronger everyday, we have been together for 23 years and he has changed so much I don't know this man he is acting like a stranger.