bizzarre behaviour from DH, mid life crisis??

[dizzy36]

last November my husband declared that he had had enough, he felt he had to leave, hes felt like this for a long time, we are incompatible, he can't relate to me?? I wont do anything, he doesnt want to waste anymore years, he wants the opportunity to find someone whos going to love and take care of him? the list goes on.

After basically sulking through november, December and most of Jan he walked out on me and my 2 children (11 and 2). He continued to come to see them almost every day and saw my older child on a sunday. He even talked about taking the time as a break and that he would be home again soon, he went from loving me to hating me from one week to the next, it was exhausting but i hung in there. He came home in Mid march, 'tried' for about 2 weeks then the mood swings came...he didnt love me anymore, i'm not the one, he doesnt see any future for us blah blah

surprise surprise I found out at the begginng of June that he had been seeing a young girl at work, an employee, shes 25, hes 40 this year. The strange thing was it seems to have been an emotional fling rather than a physical one and it wasnt going on for very long yet he said he thought he was in love with her! a few days after he confessed we decided to try again...he said he loved me, he wished he could turn the clock back, so glad he hadnt lost me etc. Then on saturday he walked out!

I have found out lots of things since, things he said like the fact that he only came home in march because i was making it 'awkward' for him to see the kids, that he was begging this girl to take him back in May when he was still at home. I am pretty disgusted with what i have heard.

The one thing he kept on saying was he wished he had clarity, clear thinking. I have no idea what that means so couldnt help him. dont we all have clarity, the ability to think clearly, know the difference between right and wrong?

My oldest starts secondary school in sept and my daughter nursery, I practically begged him not to leave until they have settled in school, he refused and i am now telling him he must leave them alone until then. The last time he left i could see my son felt an awful lot of pressure to please his dad i.e. make sure to go and see him, which he doesnt need right now. My other half is not happy to do this which is understandable but he needs to understand that he chose this situation and its time to put the childen first as its all been about him for the last 8 months. He even chose a rock climbing outing to tell my son he was going!

I firmly beleive he is having some kind of mid life crisis because he acted exactly the same the year he turned 30. I just cant beleive i'm still willing to work things out. Sadly, when he does come to his senses it will be too late and he will have lost the 3 most important people in his life.

sorry for the 'going on' it has been a very long and harrowing 8 months.

i

Hi dizzy - it's all going true to form. The grass is never greener. My ex after wanting out for months finally went, and is very low and unhappy.

Perhaps his ego can't accept that you can live without him, and actually manage well without him. Perhaps he thought he'd have some space, and if Plan A didn't work, out then Plan B (coming back to you) would always be there? And perhaps after some distance he realises what he's missing. There's always a price to play for these men, often a big one they can't afford. He's got to accept the consequences of his actions.

Mediation sounds good re the kids. You're doing well.

why does he keep arguing about the children? there was a misunderstanding regarding mediation, he went on 3rd but my letter says my first appointment is on 23rd so obviously on the 3rd when he came to get the kids for tea he had a face on him, wanted me to bring the date forward and also wanted to take our dd for tea on sunday (because its his oldest 21st). Now if our situation was normal i might have agreed but ever since he left i have said we would discuss the kids in mediation and until then he would c my ds on sunday and both on wed for tea. However, i have had to compromise each week...let him have ds til 7pm, sleepover. as a compromise re dd i have said he could maybe take her out for a couple of hours in the morning say to the park or swimming but apparently this is not meaningful enough so he refused!

Basically, my dh is trying to put his controlling nature onto the situation and he is succeeding. I text him today to say i had tried to bring mediation date forward without success and with regards sunday would he consider coming to visit dd at home for an hour or mayb i could go to his house. His response was to say he doesnt see why she cant come on her own for a few hours and i should stop using the kids to punish him for leaving them!! he even sent some photos on the text showing her playing in the grass!! to say look she enjoys it at her dads...he just doesnt get it. y wont he compromise.

He just cannot seem to take in what i have said about my dd and the adjustment period. I have said till i am blue in the face that it is not about him it is about her. should i ignore that she comes home from his house asking me where i was and she wanted me because he clearly does, my ds has told me that she crys and asks for me. I think we should take things slow with her. He just refuses to do anything that involves me being there which is ridiculous and childish, the children will pick up on his hostility towards me (he left me, why the hostility?) and will feel they have to choose.

what is going on? is he trying to gain some control somewhere, anywhere? going back to what i said earlier i think he is lonely and desperate for attention which is why he is clambering after the kids at such high speed without a thought for their needs. This is a man who has never spent any 'meaninful' time with his children, why now, whats different? please someone enlighten me because i am clueless as to what to do next

What is going on?

For what it's worth, I think:

1. Denial. In order for him to leave he had to minimise the effect on the family. If he actually allowed himself to think about what it would do to you and kids, it might have stopped him. I only say this because of the way my husband behaved (and I see many similarities between your husband's behaviour and that of mine).

Many times I tried to sit him down and get him to realise what the impact would be on us. Each time he looked at me as if I was mad, he refused to face reality. In his head, he had convinced himself that it would be fine - he would be happier - we would be ok. A very very self-absorbed, self-centred man, who always put his own needs first. He couldn't see (or wouldn't see beyond his own happiness). So like your husband, mine just thought he could ignore the upset after it happened and continue with the kids as he had before. Because mine are all teenagers, they simply refused to play his game, and didn't see him (apart from YS).

After 3 months, he is finally getting the wake-up call and realises what he's done. He's finding reality hard to face, and his kids will only see him when they want to, on their terms.

Yours will get to the point where he will have to face things as they are, rather than how he wants them to be. He wants everything normal, to stop him dealing with the pain he's caused. He will have to face this.

1. Control. Another thing yours and mine have in common. Mine doesn't like the fact that we are fine without him. This hurts that huge ego. It conflicts with the "denial" stuff - because he wanted us to be ok, to absolve him of blame. But the reality is harder to deal with - by us being ok, they are getting the very strong message that we can live and do well without them. And that of course means that plan B no longer exists.

Plan B of course is them thinking that if things don't work out, they'll come home. To find out that we are not weeping and wailing for them, but actually living well, makes them angry.

Waves of anger towards me from ex were tangible in the first few weeks. I was baffled by this. You'd think I'd done the dirty on him, not the other way around. Then I realised - I'd taken away plan B. So then he got petty (he still is - trying to slow down the divorce by ignoring papers from sols, etc.) It's his way of still trying to control our lives.

Just my thoughts, hope they help a little.
It's very bewildering though..

What do you do next?

You drive the pace. You carry on putting you and kids first, and ensure that you keep discussion with him about the kids only. You aim for cool, polite indifference.

Keep it business like.

saffysmum your dh does sound exactly like mine. mine just picked up my ds to go and get his new bike (buying him with expensive gifts) and was very sulky at the door (due to my not letting him have my dd on sun, as already explained). His sister was at mine visiting with her children, he didnt like that and didnt even bother coming in to say hello to her (i asked him to). She has already told him that she will be maintaining a relationship with me as we have known each other for 18 years. has your relationship with your inlaws changed at all. I really would like to maintain my relationship with them if i can. its only his mum and sister. My children are used to them visiting and that would be another unnecessary change for them. He has told his sister that there is no need to visit me as they can visit the children when they are with him....another way of controlling things.

It concerned me at first when it seemed that my dh wanted me sat at home, unhappy and sobbing because i felt he wished me harm but I think your right, maybe he realises Plan B is not an option and thats what hes angry about.

The first time he left i was that needy, 'how could you do this to us' wife who practically begged him to come home at every opportunity. This time i have been the completed opposite from the minute he left the house.

He has turned his 21 year old daughter against me (i have known her since she was 2) as she no longer contacts me. and he is trying to form some kind of family life with my children at his home. There home is with me and they should have regular, consistent visits with him not whenever he asks.

I know its early days and things will hopefully get easier but his nature which sounds so much like your husbands is such a headache. He can be a bully and used intimidation to get his own way, hence the need for a mediator

Yes, our H's sound very similar dizzy. I can't believe he tried to control when you see your SIL!

A couple of weeks after my ex left, our YS lost his phone. This happens frequently, which is why we always buy him a cheap pay as your go phone, and keep minimum top up on it. Anyway, he told his dad, and his dad bought him a very expensive new phone, totally over the top. I realised this was guilt.

I agree that you need mediation soon to try and sort out arranged visits - as you say the family home is the one with you and the kids in it. They need that stability and also the routine of knowing when they're going to see their dad.

Good luck - you really are strong!

thanks saffysmum. i wish i was and everyone keeps saying i'm being strong but i am so not, its a bit of a front. I have no real family (none that are interested anyway) and a few good friends. He knows this which is why i found it most upsetting that he wants to be on my own suffering...its cruel to want that for anyone never mind someone you've known for 18 years. If it was me that had treated him badly i would understand but it wasnt. He wanted to leave, he has got what he wanted, now what does he want? I try to compromise as much as possible with the children but apart from gift wrapping them and sending them to him in the post what else can i do. Why is he so interested in them now saffysmum when he wasnt before...i'm scared its because he lives on his own and he 'needs' them to fill that void in his life. This is partly the reason why i limit him seeing my dd until mediators, so he can show hes committed for the long haul.

I want to get on with my life and i know i can be happy. I never realised how much he controlled things at home. I am enjoying gardening for the first time ever because he never really let me get involved. Why wont he let me be happy. Fine if he wants to buy my sons affections with a bike but why does he then want to take my son to pick it up and then come to my house after work to take him to his house to ride...i have had to deal with him 3 times (4 times when he drops my ds home) today and he has a face on him like a bag of spanners each time. Why? my dd was upset when he was there and wanted to go with him, he said to let her, I said no because he takes them both for tea on Wed and today was (hopefully) a one off. It has to be consistent for her. I'm not even sure i should be letting my ds go whenever it suits, its the schools hols so am allowing it but should i let him go to his dads whenever he asks, would it be wrong of me to say no, we need to stick to the days arranged. I have never done this before but my instincts tell me i am doing the right thing, but why does he make me feel like i'm out to punish him, is he so self centred that he thinks its all about him. Does he really think he can brush his treatment of us under the carpet? he too left while my son was at football, i had to tell ds later that day that his dad wasnt coming home, his dad sent him a text saying sorry for making you sad, i will see you in a couple of weeks...i deleted it, he is a coward for doing that

He is having his family round to his house on sun for his daughters 21st and my youngest who is 3 is not going as we have an arrangement that we should stick to until we go to the mediators. Maybe if he was a bit more pleasant we could be flexible.

There's only so much we can do to try and understand these "men" Dizzy! They really aren't worth it. I just ignore ex, and keep out of his way, which is much easier for me than you, because mine are teenagers.

As for his doing this when he knows you have little support - I think it goes back to the fact that these men become terribly self centred and self absorbed, and simply freeze us out - so that they can forgive themselves, and justify leaving.

My husband of 22 years left shortly after my darling sister's funeral. Can you believe that? I still can't. I can't believe the man I married would do this. But he did.

Remember that he left the family home. He will have to see the kids on your terms now. He lost the right to see him whenever he went, when he left.

I can't answer your questions, because I'm still searching for answers to mine. But trying not to analyse and get into their heads is a start.

Feel for you - empathise with you so much. Perhaps our two were twins separated at birth!

Keep strong - even if you don't feel it. I pretended to be strong in the early days - and then I actually found out I wasn't pretending anymore!
X

It does sound as if you are using the kids as a weapon tbh.

He is a cock of the highest order for sure but he left you not them.

I dont mean that to sound nasty but my point is his not being with you anymore doesnt mean he has relinquished his role as father.

thanks saffysmum, self centred and self absorbed seems to be the general ways hes behaving. Think the main reason i dont feel strong and why i 'cave' when he sends random texts accusing me things is because i worry that he will withdraw financial help. I have been a stay at home mum for 7 years and planned to go back to work when my dd at school so basically i still have to rely on him financially so have to try and keep him 'in a good mood' as i dont doubt he would enjoy making things difficult for me . I think the only thing that stops him is that it would make things difficult for the kids too.

Amberleaf - appreciate what you say, dont know if you have children but i would like you to ask my kids if they feel like there dad has left them. when a couple decide to have children they become a family, a unit. If either one decides to leave then they are leaving the family, the unit. If he was just leaving me then only i would be affected. I can assure my kids are feeling this too, their world has been turned upside down. Also, if a 'man' and i use that term loosely chooses to leave his young children in the fashion that mine chose to leave his (i.e sneak out went they werent looking in effect) then he loses the right to demand when he sees them. I as the mother, who will always stand by them, never leave them will decide what is best for them. I have no interest in keeping my dh happy, only my children and if he isnt happy with when he sees the children then tough. Amberleaf, he has it in his head that he should see them as often as he did when he lived with us, he talks about sleeping over every weekend, takeing them bringing the back from school and more...he has never done this before....he wants to disrupt their whole lives.....as i said self centred and absorbed. my children will have a relationship with their dad, they deserve that but I will decide how that will be because i seem to be the only one that is able to put them first

I agree Dizzy. I told the kids that he hadn't left them, he had left me, because he didn't love me any more. "But we all live together mum, and so he can't separate us, so he left us all." This was really hard. All I could do was tell them repeatedly that dad's feelings for them hadn't changed, but his for me had. And he couldn't live with me anymore, which meant that he couldn't live at our home - but he would make another home that they could share with him whenever they wanted.

Also, bear in mind that mine are much older than yours. It was the kids that told me to throw him out; es (18) said that they all knew that things coudn't go on as they were, and that they were sick of the way he was treating me. I'd only put up with it for the kids, so once I knew they had had enough, and other things happened, then I threw him out.

His relationship with his kids will never be the same. Ever. But that's his choice - this is the crucial thing: We come as a package - he tried to say "well, I don't love you (me) but I do love you four, and I'll always be there for you." But it didn't work, because me and the kids are a unit - he was part of that unit - and he can't pick and choose between us.

After he left, he texted the kids the same thing within an hour "Sorry, I love you, and I'll always be here for you".

And as DD2 said "but he isn't here, is he."

And as they say, actions speak louder than words.

I agree with Amberleaf's point - not defending your ex but as far as the children are concerned he is still their dad and they have lost the 'family' relationship however they do not need to suffer further losses. It's important that children maintain a relationship with both parents. What if a mother chooses to end a marriage do they lose their children?

I have been in your situation so speak from painful experience but I would always recommend that children are supported in seeing both parents - unless there is fear of abuse. A regular schedule of contact is important but also is some flexibility - why not let your 3 year go and spend time at her sister's 21st birthday celebration, the 11 year would also be there so it's not as if she would be alone.
If your ex is a useless and selfish father the children will recognise it and make up their own minds. You cannot protect them from that truth. If he turns out to be a good and loving father then your children benefit and they will develop into emotional healthy and happy adults.

Dizzy
Yes I do have children, I have also been in your childrens position in that my father left my mother after an affair.

I distinctly remember my mum telling my brother and I that dad was leaving her not us and she encouraged his contact with us.

It was hard but definitely better that we had good contact with dad and felt part of his life despite not living with him.

When my ex and I split I remembered all of this and made sure my children felt as secure as possible and I didnt project any of my feelings about it onto them.

They have weekend overnight contact [every other weekend] and some midweek, much like your ex seems to be seeking, that is normal and believe me if he goes to court it is the pretty standard level of contact...along with partial school holiday contact. It would be likely that your ex would get that if he went to court.

I understand that it may feel your ex is dictating to you a bit but really its not about you or him its about the children and whats best for them.

Re your worries of your ex withdrawing financial support, Go and see a solicitor!

I had this worry too but decided that if I had to I would have to face that myself and yes life would change.

As my ex was self employed he managed to wiggle out of supporting the children financially but ho hum, its actually quite liberating as I dont feel I need to tip toe round him for fear of upsetting him, its not been easy and only recently after 4 odd years is it starting to get easier but im still here! I just dont get to use clinique any more!

I know its all very fresh for you but you have to let go and accept how it is, no one died and you have a long life ahead of you.

Dont let his actions define your life.

appreciate your comments again and glad it worked well for you as a child and as a adult when it happened to your own children, but every family is different. Yes its the childs best interests that are paramount. my ds who is 11 spends sunday with his dad and has started staying overnight every other weekend. My ds is happy with this situation. My dd is 3, she will not be staying overnight any time soon as she has never been apart from me in her life. Just because my dh has chosen to leave does not mean he is allowed to turn a toddlers normal life upside down...their isnt a court in the country that would force a 3 year old to do that, she cannot speak for herself and therefore as her mother i will speak for her. Contact with her should start off with short visits. I dont beleive there is any such thing as 'standard level of contact' as every family situation is different...did your father or dh stop contact with their child for 6 years, did they leave their 1 year old, do it again to him when he is 11 and then again 3 months later...my dh did and more, this will have a bearing if he decides to take me to court.

Yes he has a right to see his children and they need to see their dad and they will but not on his terms, i have raised my children for 11 years on my own with no help from him, and i mean none (not a night feed, when there ill, parents evening, homework, birthdays, xmas etc).
I come from a very family orientated background and beleive that children should have both parents in their lives but it should be to benefit them not the father and that is what i am having to fight for right now...he has never participated in their upbringing, without going into any detail he thinks all he has to do show them a good time. He needs to make them feel safe, secure and loved which they dont right now because of his behaviour (i hope you have read my first post). I'm sorry if you disagree but if i beleive something regarding my children and i didnt act on it it would make me a bad mother. I need to make sure he understands what these children need from him otherwise they will be hurt again. I am glad the men in your life have been good fathers but i'm afraid mine needs to prove himself first.

Who does he need to prove himself to? you or them? and how exactly do you expect him to do this?

Do you think a couple should stay together 'for the kids' even if one or both are unhappy in the relationship?

Sounds as though he has tried to end you and his relationship a few times, he has said that previous times he felt that you made it difficult for him to see the children...I can see the pattern.

Im going to be blunt, you are projecting your feelings onto your children.

He isnt leaving them he is leaving you

again I ask, do you think a couple should stay together for the kids?

Your posts smack of bitterness and desperation, you cant control this man, but you seem to think you can control him via the children.

re court;

Believe me, he will get overnight access to your DD regardless of what you think, there is no legitimate reason why he shouldnt.

Amberleaf - think you're being a little harsh on Dizzy. I haven't got the impression at all that Dizzy doesn't want what's best for the kids.

Of course the kids will always have a dad, and they will hopefully have a good relationship with him, but it seems to me that Dizzy is concerned that he wants to control her through the kids - and that's wrong.

Dizzy hope you're ok.

thanks saffysmum, i'm fine and thanks for understanding my point. My children have been hurt enough and am trying to ensure they are not hurt further. The only way to do that is to go slowly with my 3 year old. I got legal advice the last time he left and i can assure you amberleaf he will not get overnight stay with my dd for the forseeable future, to be honest i cannot beleive you would agree with anything that would cause a toddler distress, she cannot speak for herself yet for goodness sake. When she wakes in the night shes asks for mummy, her daddy sleeps like a corpse and has never heard her cry in the night. He knows his dd is closer to me and still he persists in demanding that she spend the day with him, the night...why? for himself and what he needs, not her.....i know him. This is what i mean by prove himself, if he cares for his dd then he will put her needs first, everything so far shows me that he is only concerned with himself. he needs to show hes committed for the long haul and wont ditch them when he gets distracted (by another partner)
yes amberleaf everyone is entitled to leave a relationship if they want and i will say again, it does cause pain to the children no matter how often you see them. If i was using the kids to control things i would be using both of them not just my dd. My ds is 11 and can tell me how he feels and what he wants, he sees his dad anytime he wants.
I have no desire to control anyone as it is not in my nature, he knows this which is y he keeps texting me (texting!) to change his visits each week..because he knows i will cave if he goes on enough. Its fustrating him that i wont cave regarding my dd. he minipulates the situation with new bikes and turning up when hes not supposed to. this is why we r going to a mediator so that he can hear from someone else that maybe i am right.
To clarify amberleaf, he sees his children just not as much as he'd like...he doesnt like being told when he can see the kids and thats why i have to put up with sulking at the door, monsyllablic responses to my chatting, all in front of the children.....controlling amberleaf and i cant allow that or he will do it forever...i am not with him anymore so i dont have to put up with that anymore

by the way amberleaf whoever mentioned staying together for the kids??

since you do mention it i do beleive couples should try to saving their relationship if their are kids involved but if they manage to salvage it, it would be for them.

my dh couldnt even be bothered to try, simple as that

just had to ring my dh to ask him if he wouldnt mind coming at 10.30 to pick up ds as he wants to stay in bed for a bit longer. my dh's response? make him get out of bed and be ready for 10. Again i.m sure you agree with him amberleaf but just as i let my ds see his dad whenever he wants my dh should accept when my ds doesnt want to see him or wants a lie-in. They are individuals not property, I wont force my ds to do anything, i made this clear to my dh from the beginning, he is old enough to make his own decisions.

Dizzy, you know this man better than anybody. You know your kids better than anybody. You know that if he had DD for long visits, including sleepovers at this stage and her young age, it would be distressing for her. That's all you need to know. He doesn't appear to have pulled his weight with the kids, so now he will have to take things at your pace. If he's worth anything at all, he will want what's best for her too. I absolutely understand your point of view. The thought that she might stay over, cry in the night, wake up in a strange place, call for you, and he sleeps through is the stuff of nightmares for any mum.

Get agreed access arrangements sorted asap, then they can be enforced.

You do not have to justify yourself to anyone Dizzy.

thank you again saffysmum. I dont mind hearing other peoples opinions as thats all it is.

to be honest i have never done this before and sometimes i dont know what to do for the best. I'm just taking it day by day for now, its only been a month after all. He needs to accept that this is a slow process but that it will get sorted at some point, for the benefit of the children.

hes just picked my ds up and i had a quiet word about his method of teaching ds how to ride his new bike (my son was upset that his dad was calling him an idiot because he didnt grasp it straight away|). Asked him if he could be careful with his choice of words. He rolled his eyes and walked off.

one more thing to say to amberleaf and anyone else who has read my posts as a 'bitter and desperate woman trying keep their kids away from their dad'

Admittedly I was very angry in the first week and did not want to set eyes on him. But after that i calmed down and have been nothing but friendly towards my dh. Even though he behaved appallingly i have asked him to come into the house, say hello to dd, take dd out one morning for a few hours, even asked him to come and have tea with them one evening, he almost refuses to do any of it by making excuses. he has never even phoned them once since leaving just to say hello i'm still around.

For the first time in our marriage i am telling him how things should be, based on what my children need and what will make them happy, not because i want to control things. This is what he is struggling with and why he sulks and mopes at the door, otherwise he would go out of his way to make sure the kids happiness and needs come first.

Did you read his reactions to my sons request for a lie-in this morning...make him get up....when i asked to stop calling him an idiot....rolled his eyes, strike you as a guy who cares what his kids want. Yes my son will make his own mind up about his dad (to be honest he already knows what his dad is like). If my dd was a similar age to ds there would be no problem at all, its the fact that shes only just turned 3, shes my baby. She loves her dad and i want her to have a relationship with him but she has to be allowed to adjust to this new situation slowly and he should appreciate that if he wants the best for her. A toddler needs normality and if that normality changes it has to be dealt with carefully and slowly, at least that what my dd needs.

Your right saffysmum i dont have to justify myself to anyone and your comments have been invaluable. Thank you so much for taking the time to write even though you have been through so much yourself. I lost a sibling 7 years ago, i only recently realised that my dh never even gave me a hug during that time. This situation is difficult for everyone who is going through it for the first time, I hope in years to come i dont forget that and judge the way people deal with it themselves.

x

ps saffysmum. coincidence i know but also cool that best advice i have had is from someone whos 'username ' is me too x

Saffysmum - I just love your post @ 16:07. Big respect!

16:07 months ago!