bizzarre behaviour from DH, mid life crisis??

[dizzy36]

last November my husband declared that he had had enough, he felt he had to leave, hes felt like this for a long time, we are incompatible, he can't relate to me?? I wont do anything, he doesnt want to waste anymore years, he wants the opportunity to find someone whos going to love and take care of him? the list goes on.

After basically sulking through november, December and most of Jan he walked out on me and my 2 children (11 and 2). He continued to come to see them almost every day and saw my older child on a sunday. He even talked about taking the time as a break and that he would be home again soon, he went from loving me to hating me from one week to the next, it was exhausting but i hung in there. He came home in Mid march, 'tried' for about 2 weeks then the mood swings came...he didnt love me anymore, i'm not the one, he doesnt see any future for us blah blah

surprise surprise I found out at the begginng of June that he had been seeing a young girl at work, an employee, shes 25, hes 40 this year. The strange thing was it seems to have been an emotional fling rather than a physical one and it wasnt going on for very long yet he said he thought he was in love with her! a few days after he confessed we decided to try again...he said he loved me, he wished he could turn the clock back, so glad he hadnt lost me etc. Then on saturday he walked out!

I have found out lots of things since, things he said like the fact that he only came home in march because i was making it 'awkward' for him to see the kids, that he was begging this girl to take him back in May when he was still at home. I am pretty disgusted with what i have heard.

The one thing he kept on saying was he wished he had clarity, clear thinking. I have no idea what that means so couldnt help him. dont we all have clarity, the ability to think clearly, know the difference between right and wrong?

My oldest starts secondary school in sept and my daughter nursery, I practically begged him not to leave until they have settled in school, he refused and i am now telling him he must leave them alone until then. The last time he left i could see my son felt an awful lot of pressure to please his dad i.e. make sure to go and see him, which he doesnt need right now. My other half is not happy to do this which is understandable but he needs to understand that he chose this situation and its time to put the childen first as its all been about him for the last 8 months. He even chose a rock climbing outing to tell my son he was going!

I firmly beleive he is having some kind of mid life crisis because he acted exactly the same the year he turned 30. I just cant beleive i'm still willing to work things out. Sadly, when he does come to his senses it will be too late and he will have lost the 3 most important people in his life.

sorry for the 'going on' it has been a very long and harrowing 8 months.

i

Your question about what are/were our H's like has set me thinking. The H I thought I had was supportive, caring, loving, mature, my rock and ditto to the H that other people thought I had. The H that I now know I had was lazy, selfish, unprincipled, selfish, weak, cowardly (very very cowardly), selfish and only supported me when it suited him, a la: "Of course I don't mind you spending the weekend in Boston ahead of your week at the office there - you indulge yourself, you deserve it, but I'll miss you my love." What was he doing while I was enjoying my weekend in Boston? Taking her away. I now know that. Hindsight is a pretty exact science except it isn't just hindsight that told me that. There were those little niggles telling me something over the last year and I just kept batting them away. Never again will I bat away those little niggles.

I've bailed out after 5 months of yo-yoing and gullibility on my part. It hurts like hell in my heart but do you know something, my head is feeling a whole lot clearer already and I will never let him brain-fuck me (or any other type) again.

AF she's going to muster the MN troops beside her

< polishes boots >

Count me in girls! As long as there's a plug for my hair straighteners of course (pushes to the front so I don't miss anything).

hi dizzy id been with mine almost 25 yrs and then he said almost exactly the same words to me - and then the OW finally emerged from the undergrowth.

the positive thing about your situation is that your DCs are young enough to build new memories of a happy life that doesn't include him in all of it, they will have holidays that don't include him, birthday parties etc. For older kids there is a sense in which this contaminates their childhood memories, I was happy to have old family photos up - but one of my DCs won't have a picture of him on view. I think it would have been easier for them if he'd gone under a bus to be honest - they could have genuinely grieved but kept the happy memories.

you will be happier on your own than with someone who lies to you and you can't trust:-)

you know what Anyf, and i said this to my sister in law today, if he did come crawling back in a few weeks or months I might say yes but I have no idea why...except that I have this notion in my head that the children would be happier if we were together. My ds is feeling all kinds of emotions that as his mum i can see.....he hates his dad but misses him, hes disappointed in his dad but loves him.....all those things and i dont know how to make it alright for him....They have only started to become close over the last few years and I dont beleive their relationship is strong enough for regular visits to be sustained.

I totally disagree with what my dh has done but if i told you his father was just the same...a serial cheater, what would you say. His father used to tell my dh about his cheating and also that his wife (my dh mum) was doing is head in and he'd had enough of her....He clearly did not have any parent child boundaries. My dh has learned all this from his dad even down to the lack of respect his now has for his mother is because of the picture his father painted.

I don't beleive i am ever going to be in the position of having to make the choice of whether to take him back because in his head we are over, he left his wedding ring on the bedside table before he left....thats another thing he was very dramatic about everything!

I have just been to my ds high school induction, on my own. I will be going to his school play, on my own. I know i got the better end of the deal.

He has reverted back to being a child and thinks he should be allowed to start again, I honestly think that he now thinks hes gods gift to women, he must do.

what would I say if his father was the same ?

I would say that makes it even less likely he will ever treat you with the respect you deserve

I would say it is absolutely no excuse

I would say you cannot save him from himself, that is down to him

you say you want to save his relationship with his children ?

that is his responsibility, not yours

in fact, by protecting him from the consequences of his actions, you collude with him

I also think that if you carry on beleiving he cannot help being what he is, you will always be vulnerable to his charm offensive

and by saying "he definitely won't be back" you just subconsciously set yourself up for it

dizzy - he has lead by example, your DH. If that is what he grew up with, he had no chance did he?

I'm not excusing him but this is all he knows, cheating, lying, hurting.

I bet that his father hurt him by cheating on his mother and have little doubt that this is all history repeating itself.

Which is utterly shite for you my sweets but, and here's the BIG but, his historym his up bringingm his examples do NOT excuse the way he has treated you.

DS will be fine, I promise you. He can still see his dad can't he? Why not? Just not in YOUR home.

The fact that he wants to wipe the slate clean is no shocker, and very common actually. He thinks by wiping the slate clean, he can erase what he has done to you.

It doesn't work like that.

Don't you dare let him tell you otherwise.

I KNOW IT'S HARD TO PUSH HIM AWAY when your son is begging you not to.

But, you have to and one day, when your son is older, you can talk to him, let him make his own mind up, tell him the truth.

But for now, you have to get rid of the rat!

I have this notion in my head that the children would be happier if we were together

They wouldn't be dizz

if i told you his father was just the same

Because of that.

the lack of respect his now has for his mother is because of the picture his father painted

and that. That's why none of you would be happier.

history up bringing - sorry, cut thumb and daft plaster makes for shite typing.

Dizzy - ALL kids would rather their parents were together, particularly in the immediate period after their break up. There's a whole mix of reasons - familiarity, security, peer pressure etc. You have to accept your DS needs to be allowed to feel sad, to grieve over the loss of the family as it was and time to adjust to seeing his dad in a new routine.

As much as we all would like to protect our Dcs from all hurts and sadness, we can't (and they'd have a terrible preparation for life if we could).

You have taken the decisions you have for very good reasons. Only as an adult can you make that judgement and hard though it for your DS to see that as a child, you should NOT allow your upset for your son to turn into doubt about that decision being right IMO.

Hold fast, support your DS and stop torturing yourself about what has definitely been a good decision. Your selfish twat of a DH is responsible - your DS will see that when he's older. And if you are able to communicate confidence in your decision and your new life that will help your DCs feel confident about it too.

Dizzy, Your husband has grown up to be just like his father having learnt from him that it is Ok to cheat and have no respect for your wife.

Do you really want your own DS to learn these same lessons from your husband? Because he will.

You need to be strong and show your children that it is not OK to behave like this.

@ saffysmum's ex wearing his too tight tshirts to the solicitor!

oh my god! he tried to break into the house today! i was at ball park with the 3 year old, got a text off him saying he'd tried to go to the house to get the rest of his things only to find that his house keys werent on his bunch of keys (I might have removed them the night he left!) anyway he 'lost it' (his words) and tried to break in. when i got home i found that the internal door to the garage was almost kicked in, i was so shaken, it felt no different to a thug trying to break into my house. Hes only been gone a week and hes caused me so much stress.

I was going to speak to him on monday (with a 3rd person present) to discuss him seeing my ds on the following sunday but he is never happy, what about our DD he says. My DD is only 3 and is not really affected by whats going on, so I want him to spend time with my DS who doesnt want his little sister around. But oh no, I am trying to keep him away from his children. He seems totally paranoid that I am out to get him and all I do all day is sit around planning ways to keep his kids away from him. My daughter has had a throwing up bug all week and now an ear infection, I have not got the time or energy to think about him all the time and how to wind him up.

my ds is 11 and can take care of himself. How can i hand my (just) 3 year old over just like that, shes a runner and you have to watch her all the time. He never does. I was going to suggest he take them both out for tea in the week

He hates not being in control and just accuses me of dictating to him all the time i.e he'd rather be doing the dictating as usual. Its difficult because the minute he hears something he doesnt like his response is, I'l see you in court, its like talking to a child whos been watching too many soap operas.

How can i possibly trust a man who behaves like he has done today with my 3 year old. Just because he got angry he tried to break the door down, is he saying he has no self control. he seems ever so slightly unhinged.

I reported the incident to the police. he cant be charged because its his house too but he definitely was in the wrong. i didnt mention before but the last time he left me I went to the house he was staying in and we had a disagreement and he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me out of his fron t door. I reported that incident as well.

I've told him that the childen have been ill and hes not even bothered to ask how they are....pretty sure guilt is the reason for that.

I have no idea how to handle him at the minute. If i cave and let him have his own way regarding access to the kids he will always expect his own way and i dont feel i'd be doing right by the kids just handing them over whenever he wants them

I would see a solicitor ASAP to formalize access arrangements (e,g meetings with DD could be supervised) and other legal stuff.

Please see a solicitor as soon as you can. This sounds like it is all about to kick off... Get your boundaries clear in your head. Please don't think about taking him back, your ds may miss him now but the damage caused by this happening again will affect your ds much more in the long run. Cut your losses, put your dcs and you first and start moving on. I know you can do it, you sound so strong...and you have some hardcore support here

is it true that if go to a solicitor they will refer us to a mediator in the first instance?

dizzy36 - so sorry you are going through this . I can only second the top advice already provided and you do sound like a very strong woman given all that has been going on.

I dont think that a solicitor immediately refers you to a mediator. They advise you (well, mine did) to negotiate as much as you can with former partner to avoid going to court and costs associated. Though of course, in some cases, it is unavoidable. I considered mediation at one point and then thought better of it, as my ex has the gift of the gab, blah, blah and at that time I had been battled down by him and lacked confidence and was convinced he would be able to turn even an impartial mediator to his cause and pleas of missing his son and how he had done everything for his son (was a bit crazy in those days!). Tbh, I still wouldn't use a mediator with him at the moment, though thats because he is in deep in his new romance and slightly impulsive. I think that mediation can be good with the right mediator (can you get a referral?). And when I say right mediator, I mean one that both parties come away from feeling like the exercise has been just and worthwhile (btw, mediation can be costly depending on number of sessions etc. Also, if you go down this path, think about what battles you really want to fight and how far. So for example, your H will have access to the kids at some point, but could you consider what would make you happy and start from that? E.g. 1 night every week and every other weekend? Think start with what would be the best scenario for you and have an idea of how much you would flex on that point. So, for access, would you ever consider 2 nights and every other week? If not, would you go to 1 overnight a week, every other weekend and one other afternoon a week where kids are returned back to you? Also, remember, you dont have to stick to what you have agreed forever and ever - can always be revised with change in circumstances, time etc).

Take care,
d

just caught up after being away for a couple of days

hope you are ok, dizzy

Dizzy as from 6th April this year solicitors must advise you and urge you to try mediation except in particular circumstances i.e. DV.

In my case I've had to go for it because sol advised that the court's really insist, even if it doesn't look as though it will work. Your sol should advise you on an appropriately trained mediator for your situation (if your financial situation were complex for example she would know of a mediator who specialises in that area of family law). Also my mediator is also a family solicitor so he knows the law very well - local mediation services often don't train their mediators to an appropriate level. Your sol can request that your H pays for mediation, or you can agree to split the cost 50/50 or 60/40, whatever. The costs for my case are higher for the lawyer-mediator, but I think it's worth it (and also my XH agreed to pay it all) and if you can reach agreement this way, it is cheaper than a sol and going to court unless you qualify for legal aid (the qualifying level is pitifully low now that the law has changed btw, but it's different depending on which part of the UK you live in).

You can insist the first session is an individual one, and even if you do a joint one and aren't happy your sol can then apply for a first hearing on the grounds that you tried. The mediator can also advise whether she thinks it's right for you based on the tone and content of the exchanges of you and your H in the first meeting.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

i am currently awaiting an appointment with a mediator and i am very nervous as i know what i want to say but dh wont be happy. my ds sees his dad on sun 11 til 5 and then he takes them both for tea once a week 4 til 7. I would like to keep it like this until ds settles in secondary school in september (unless obviously ds wants to see dad more). He has recently asked to have my dd all day sunday too which i am not happy about. She has just turned 3 and i have been a stay at home mum all her life. its me she sees first in the morning and last thing at night. We are very close. my dh has never really been a big part of the kids lives (he works 6 days a week 10 hours a day), the one day he does have off (sunday) he spends gardening or washing the car. My dd cannot express herself and i think short visits with her dad would be more beneficial. I hope the mediator will understand my point of view as her mum.
I have managed to calm things down since the 'break in'. I have let him come to the house to collect the kids and even invited him to come with me and dd to my ds school play. He behaved bizarrely though....couldnt look at me, if i spoke to him he could barely give me 2 seconds of eye contact, quite funny actually....could it be guilt? He is such a prat, my sis in law says he is renting a cottage on a farm and is very 'idyllic'. He seems very relaxed and happy...sorry mate, home is where your family is, not bricks, mortar and a nice view! He found it easy to leave because he never really had that special bond that fathers have with their kids (dont get me wrong, he does love them). It upsets me to say that because if he didnt have it when he was living at home, how can he have it now that hes left. I really cant relate to people like that, my children are everything to me and I put before everything, even my own happiness

Hi Dizzy - don't be nervous about the mediator sesssion. You can insist that you have the first session on your own, and at any time you can stop mediation, and refer it all back to solicitor. Whether you go with mediation or solicitor, you will have to complete an Access to Children document, and in that you can put what you want regarding access. Anything agreed in mediation, will have to be run before your solicitor, who advises you as to whether you should accept it, and then it will be made into a legally binding document.

I did the initial session on my own, and then referred it back to my solicitor. The thought of sitting in the same room as my ex brings me out in hives, and when the mediator was told about our split, she immediately agreed that it wasn't for us. So don't think you have to go this route. All the law states is that you have to be seen to try this route.

I 100% understand about him finding it easy to leave, because the bond wasn't there. This was exactly the same for my ex. I could no sooner leave my kids than fly to the moon. He did it, without a goodbye or backward glance. That told me instantly that I could never ever relate to him again. After creeping out quietly, without saying goodbye, he texted them to say "I'll always be here for you". What a joke. As YS said "if he's going to be here for us, why has he left us". But I pity him, because he never felt that pull, that love that I have constantly with him, which keeps them my priority. So it's his loss. Don't try to understand this - I've spent many futile hours trying to. I just accept that he never had that bond in the first place. If he had, he wouldn't have left. End of. You sound a fantastic mum, and I can totally relate to how you're feeling.

should read: "with them" not "with him". Doh.

its been just over a month since he left an his behaviour gets more bizarre. in a nutshell he seems put out that i don't ask him to help me with the garden, around the house...his family have told me that he was expecting me to be sat at home depressed with my head in my hands pineing for him and hes put out that i'm not....whats that all about? he chose to leave....anyway i think i have finally figured it out, he wants it all...marriage, kids, fun freedom....dont we all! he has alwasy critiscised people for chatting on the internet saying its sad...hes recently joined facebook and added his oldest daughers mother as a friend, someone he has hated with a passion for nearly 20 years. Its very bizarre and strikes of desperation...reaching out to anyone who will be his friend, even someone who made his life a misery. He sees the kids (my son on sundays, sleepover on schools hols, my toddler once a week at teatime). my dd is not adjusting very well to all this at all, very confused, always comes back from dad in tears. We are going to see mediator to discuss more as he wants her all day. The reason i want to go to mediator is so that maybe he will understand that she has never spent more than a few hours away from her mum and to take her for a whole day at such an early stage will not be good for her. He is just thinking of himself...everything i have said above shows me that he is lonely and bored and that is his main reason for wanting to see more of the kids otherwise why the rush, why ignore their needs. maybe the grass isnt greener after all