What now ?

[letdownlilly]

Looking for some support - just found out my DH has been seeing another woman, claims he has been deeply unhappy and thinking of leaving me and our 2 kids after 10 yrs together. Can't get my head straight, would like to make it work but can we really get back to the 'good times' and can I ever truly trust him again ? I'm not convinced he feels he needs to make any effort - he seems to think I am the one who needs to radically change and bring some excitement back into his life. Any questions I ask and he claims he's being interogated (surely if I was doing that I'd be using instruments of torture also - now there's a thought....), Can predict devastation for the kids whichever way this goes - any advice ?

Get rid of him. If he really was "deeply unhappy" why didn't he talk it through with you before jumping into bed with another woman? It sounds like he has been having his cake and eating it and now you've found out he is trying to push the blame onto you and your 2 children. If he needs excitement you tell him to F off and get it somewhere else. You need excitement too and not from a lying, piece of cheating crap who could turn his bad behaviour around to make it all out to be your fault.
GET RID AND GOOD LUCK. Would he move out if you asked him too? (Seeing as he has been so desperate to leave anyway!)
Not ranting but want you to know there is better out there and you deserve far better.

If he's convinced himself that YOU need to change and YOU are not exciting enough YOU are not allowed to talk to him about what he's done then I'm afraid his head is completely up his ass. When you're trying to ask him about things and get him to see your side it isn't working because he has convinced himself that it's not really him, it's you. He's not the bad guy and his affair isn't the problem..it's a way of excusing himself for his behaviour. "Oh yes I did have an affair, but things were just so hard at home and I was sooo unhappy".

I think he needs to move out while you think about things. You deserve some head space after this revelation and time to think about what you want. I'm going to be honest, it sounds like you're the only one that will be thinking about how you are suffering and hurt and what impact this has on you, as your husband's in a bubble of 'poor me'.

If he's making you doubt yourself, remember this:
-He was unhappy, but chose to have an affair rather than talk about it.
-He has put himself and you at risk of STD's.
-He refuses to communicate over the affair and makes it seem like you're being negative when you want to talk.

• He thinks you should fix things.
• He thinks you need to change.

Sorry to hear that. Remember that the affair is all about him - it was his choice to have one, he could have chosen to talk to you to try and fix things so do not blame yourself at all. He has made some very selfish choices.

Given how he is behaving now, I would ask him to leave while you both think about things and decide on how to proceed.

Also need to add that things can work out BUT only if your H is really sorry, is prepared to answer your questions, talk things through, go to counselling etc. Hanging onto him, trying to be the perfect wife will not work.

Doesn't sound like he's really sorry to me, so just get rid! You really do deserve better.

Thanks all for your comments, I am taking some time out to think things through, we are going to counselling and I am taking legal advice. I would really like to see if things can work but maybe I am being really naive.....