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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant and alone!

24 replies

curleywurley2 · 02/07/2011 23:14

This may take a while to read,so please bare with me!
Me and my husband have been married for nine months,we already have a 3 year old daughter together but since i found out that im pregnant he has totally changed.
We use to be so close and did everything togther, he never use to go out with his mates and drinking never interested him. I had postnatal depression with my daughter and he was my rock through out the whole thing. But now he isnt the man i married.
He now goes out all the time and three times this week he hasnt even come home (tonight being one of the nights)! When he goes I cant even get hold of him on either his personal or work mobile,they just ring out and some times are even turned off!
The only time he comes home is to get a shower from work and to change his clothes.
I just dont know what to do, I do love him and we have talked but nothing ever changes. I am currently 19weeks pregnant and this has been going on since the day i found out I was pregnant and the baby was planned but yet he wanted me to go for an abortion????!!!
I just cant cope with him just coming and going as he pleases, im trying to stay calm for the sake of our daughter and my unborn baby.
I dont know if he is cheating or if he just wants out of the family life??? Any suggestions? Thanks guys sorry to ramble on xxx

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/07/2011 23:20

What a horrible situation. He is showing absolutely no respect whatsoever.

Where does he say he is when he stays out?

Fairenuff · 02/07/2011 23:25

The only thing I can think of is that he's scared that you'll get pnd again and so he's avoiding the whole pregnancy/relationship thing. That said, if it was planned he's left it a bit late for that.

He should be supporting you, not disappearing. Have you asked him not to go out so much, or why his phone is off? Has he behaved like this before?

Ganshee · 02/07/2011 23:35

Oh, dear Curley wurley, as tragic as this seems, from what you've said, it seems to be the pregnancy that has caused this issue. Was it unplanned? Did you both want a baby?

Still, what has happened has happened and I would expect him to stand by you and cherish this moment in life.

You both really need to talk about this a bit more and try and sort this out before it gets out of control. Find out what the problem is. Reinforce the fact that you love your partner and you want to be happy with him again like it used to be.

Suspecting an affair is not good for you, or him - so the sooner you sort this, the better. Whatever happens, try not to lose control - having a baby is a stressful time and worrying, even for the man. Sit him down and tell him that you wont be upset but you need to know that he supports you and the baby. Why did he want an abortion?

Do let us know how you get on.

kalo12 · 02/07/2011 23:42

do you think he is having an affair?

Original poster

curleywurley2 · 03/07/2011 07:47

So sorry not to reply last night,i fell asleep been so tired with everything thats been going on.
The baby was planned because we talked and I came off the pill. When he goes out he says he is at a friends or at the gym. Fathers day weekend I threw him out because he did his normal vanishing act again and since then he says he's got himself a bedsit?? So thats where he says he is.
As for me thinking if he is having an affair,Im totally unsure. 3 weeks ago I went out for a meal with my mum and left him at homeand that with our daughter. At 10pm he rung me constantly asking when I would be back because he want to go out (might I add that this was the 1st time I had been out for 2months) so I told him I didnt know and had to turn off my phone because he just rung and rung (had 23 missed calls in 20mins). When I turned my phone back on, during the journey home I recived a text message from my husband ment for another woman!!!!
It read "I love you babe, I wont be long I miss u so much,Ive just rung the pub and they said that she has left, so Ill be there as quick as i can xxxxx"
I just couldnt believe it!!! When I spoke to him about after things had calmed down he said he sent me the message to get a rise out of me and that there isnt another woman.
I just dont know what to do, I dont think I can hold it together much longer because I feel that its not just me hes turned his back on, its his daughter as well. (sorry to ramble lol) xxx

OP posts:

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/07/2011 09:46

Omg this just like how I was 6years ago.Tbh I wish I was strong enough to have left him but it's so hard without proof.I found an empty earring box in dps car(my ears aint peirced) Oh he told me it was something to do with his son,which was plausible as his son and his gf used his car but theres other things that happened awell,a girl kept phoning him,he went out from 9am to 5am-12pm the next day everyday even weekends I too was pregnant with my 1st baby (planned).I felt like our baby was the biggest mistake of his life.It was awful I was stressed and crying everyday.I wouldn't wish it on anyone

Ganshee · 03/07/2011 09:51

Well - alarm bells are ringing here - and that text (if it was really a joke) is not funny.

You both REALLY need to chat and quickly and honestly. Just incase, you also need to be prepared for the worst and remain strong, no matter the outcome. Have a plan B in your head set out. Things can feel helpess if you dont have a coping strategy.

fastweb · 03/07/2011 10:06

These are going to sound like strange questions, but I have alarm bells going off of the BTDT (secondhand) kind.

Does he hold the view that having an only child is not such a good idea ?

if yes...

Does he believe it is better for sibling groups to have the same father ?

buzzsore · 03/07/2011 12:50

I think he's cheating, sorry.

If he has a bedsit, ask to go and have a look round. If there's nothing to hide, it shouldn't be a problem.

Original poster

curleywurley2 · 03/07/2011 13:34

Thank you so much for all your mesages, I feel better knowing that I have had some suggestions on what to do.
Ive spoke to husband this morning on the phone and he turned on the water works, for no apparant reason. I think its beacause I came across like I have had enough on the phone and was not ringing him and chasing him and begging him to come home.
I know it sounds strange but I wish he would come clean if he was cheating, as it would be a relief that it wasnt just me going round the twist. Of course I would be upset and yes I would have to walk away because Im a great believer in once a cheat always a cheat.
Ive got my 20week scan on Friday but I havnt got a clue if husband is going to attend or not? He said that he will but he always says hes coming home when he goes out, so im not holding out much hope.
Thanks again guys, what would I do without mums netters, Its just so nice to speak to people who are independant to my family because Ive been talking to my mum about the situation and shes so upset and disapointed in him,so dont really want to burden her any more. xxxx

OP posts:

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/07/2011 13:47

I had all that too I was also scared I would give birth alone as my dp too used to turn off his phone.I was in the middle of nowhere,no transport.He went out on my due date and guess what his phone was switched off.Luckly my ds had to be induced because we had a set date he couldn't play up.I feel for you.I think you should get out whilst you can tbh.My dp was still like it when our ds was born also.I was like a single mum.We hardly saw him.My ds used to cry for his daddy at the gate.I wish I had left before it got so bad.He is better now but I feel trapped.

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/07/2011 13:52

Oh I bet he says "i'm on my way" but never shows up.Dp used to do this."i've just ordered a taxi,i'm on way" his exuse was always he missed it or it never showed up

Original poster

curleywurley2 · 03/07/2011 14:09

I totally understand Daisy about feeling like a single parent and I too feel trapped. My daughter is three and was stood in the hall way last time he went saying "Daddy dont go,Daddy come back!" and that ripped me to pieces!!
It makes me so angry that he is just fitting her in around his life,he wanted to see her today at the drop of a hat and I told him no because he cant just see her when hes got nothing better to do. If it was planned in advance then I wouldnt have minded.
Im just upset that now ive got to juggle a job, childcare, being a mum and now ive got to sort out my benifits all while im pregnant!! Ive told my midwife briefly about the situation at home and she said that if I dont stay positive then I run the risk of my depression coming back.
Im so lucky that i have a close relationship with my mum (im an only child) and she has been my rock through all this but I am tempted to ask her to be at my scan and birth but then I feel guilty that my hasband was at the birth of my daughter and then maybe not at this one??? I just dont know what to do for the best?? xxxxx

OP posts:

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/07/2011 14:33

I did have another with dp.Mostly because I didn't want my ds to be lonely.My dp has got better but it's taken nearly 6long years.If I had known what I knew now i'd have left when pregnant.I feel totally trapped and resent it.I love him but I don't respect him just because I can't forgive his selfish actions

buzzsore · 03/07/2011 14:33

It's what you feel comfortable with that matters. If you don't want him there, tell him so and ask your mum to be with you instead. You've no need to feel guilty, he's the one who is behaving badly.

If you want him at the scans and birth, ask him - and if you don't trust him to come, ask your mum to come too. You can probably have her there as well if he does turn up, but if you can't have both, as long as you prepare her so that she'll step back, I don't suppose she'd mind.

inatrance · 03/07/2011 15:01

So sorry you are in this situation op, I really feel for you.

Trust your instincts, he turned on the waterworks for a reason. I'm sorry but it does sound like he is cheating, the staying out all night combined with the text would be proof enough for me.

I would get tough with him, you've got enough to be dealing with without him putting you under this stress. Think about you and your DC's, you deserve better than this selfish loser.

Original poster

curleywurley2 · 03/07/2011 21:23

Thank you again for your kind messages. Im feeling so much stronger about everything tonight.
I let my husband come round tonight to see our daughter and he bathed her and stayed till I put her to bed.
Then the cheeky bastard sat on the sofa and fell asleep for 20minutes. When he woke he asked me why I wasnt speaking to him,I told him it was because I had nothing left to say to him.
For the 1st time I felt calm and when I looked at him I didnt even feel hate or pain, tbh I didnt feel anything for him!!!???
He asked me if he went back to the old him,would I stay with him and make ago of it. So I said that I wouldnt even believe that he could change and that I havnt even got the energy to try.
Since I showed no emotion towards him, he did his best injured party look and then went.
So Im now writing this message feeling incredibly strong and glad that Im showing that Im taking no shit??!! Feels abit strange xxx

OP posts:

buzzsore · 03/07/2011 22:06

It's good that you've found your strength and seem to have made a decision, well done. Remember, he's not the injured one here, you're the one he's been messing about.

kalo12 · 03/07/2011 22:07

well done curlywurly. you need to keep strong. most men do not make a decision if they don't have to. keep very cool and distant with him, for longer than you think! and then he will have the space to come to his own decision.

In the meantime keep your spirits up for you, your baby and your dd. do things which are uplifting, go places, watch films, talk to friends and family. keep your mind and body healthy and sane. go on the stlye and beauty friends, the chat, the ridiculous baby names and keep yourself happy and amused!1

wearenotinkansas · 03/07/2011 22:10

I think that you have been incredibly strong - I don't think I could have done this! I hope things work out for you either way.

Original poster

curleywurley2 · 04/07/2011 09:43

Im so grateful for all your kind messages of support. I honestly didnt think I had it in me to be so strong,im normally a curl up and cry type of person but I think its my children that have given me the drive to be strong. I just didnt want them growing up thinking its ok for a man to treat them like a doormat.
Hes rung up ten times this morning while hes been at work, crying and asking me if i can make it work. Ive just told him that with all the time that hes been away ive had time to think and I feel that I can be stronger on my own than with him.
Going to hit the shops this afternoon with my mum and daughter and treat myself to some new outfits (oh yeah and better pick up some binliners for his stuff lol!) and ill message again later and keep you all up to date xxxxx

OP posts:

kalo12 · 04/07/2011 12:27

well done but make sure you buy cheap bin liners, the kind that rip as soon as you try and lift them into the car!

fastweb · 04/07/2011 12:39

I think that you have been incredibly strong

Sincerely and emphatically seconded.

Original poster

curleywurley2 · 04/07/2011 20:31

Haha that made me smile Kalo!!
Had fun today,ive shopped till I dropped (I dont mean that Ive had the baby lol!) and also had my feet nibbled by them werid fish. So still feeling positive!!!
Hes Phoned again this afternoon and not much was said, so going to make an appointment at citizans advice tomorrow, so I can sort out all my benefits and entitlements, so its done and dusted.
Im going to wait till things have calmed down before I suggest a plan of action for him seeing his daughter. Think im going to leave the ball in his court if he wants to come on friday for the scan but Ill make sure that my mum can fill in if hes a no show.
Going to have an early night and see what tomorrow brings xxx

OP posts:

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