My in-laws do the food thing too, and I'm fairly relaxed, but they fed their own child up till he was significantly overweight and then put him on a series of diets from age 9, and so it absolutely frustrates me when they feed ds all the time always with snack food and tell him not to tell us. I mean I used to say, okay, he can have a few cookies before breakfast, but that's not good enough for them, they want to give him whatever they want, but as we would stay with them for 2-4 weeks at a time that crappy diet cannot be sustained, the boy needs real food too. I don't see how they can't see that it hurts him, but then they just like to do what makes them feel good.
And of course we're not allowed to discipline ds because that makes mil cry because, as she says, she has "too much empathy", no, she had a really shit childhood she hasn't come to terms with and doesn't seem to have the capacity to. And I really feel for that side of her, but dh and I have made sure not to pass on our shit to ds, we've worked hard at it, including counseling for us both, and at some point we can't keep making excuses while her behaviour still affects dh and has repercussions for ds.
Not that Fil is off the hook, he's vain and egotistical. He used to push and pinch dh on the sly when he was little and as soon as dh was old enough to question him or do things like beat him at chess there was lots of anger and sulking. FiL didn't even speak to me or act like I was anything other than an annoyance until we were almost moving back to the US, ah bringing back his precious son and grandson, because only males are important. He's been seriously ill for a while so I hope he's mellowed because ds is now of an age to be cheeky and not just worshipful.
Sorry I'm taking up so much of this thread. I also have big feelings of guilt because I'm not talking to them right now and know I have to by October when I have this baby. But it's been so lovely not to have MiL's constant phone calls, because when she doesn't hate me she just rings all the time, as in almost daily, to talk about ds and is always so nice and I get sucked in and think that's what she's really like, but she's not, and if things don't go their way she will immediately turn on me. She doesn't even have to keep me sweet to see dh and ds, I'm not like that, but she thinks I am. We had a falling out a couple of years ago and dh didn't speak to them for a month or so, and I didn't for 9 months, and given that we know what they're like dh made it absolutely clear they were still welcome to come over for a visit and see ds, but they went on two long cruises instead, one Caribbean, one South American. And when we visited them again she said about having to go on them to take their minds off the fact we hadn't let them see ds. When FiL nearly died he was all about seeing family and coming over, but then started making plans for a trip to East Asia, because that's on his bucket list. dh had really believed he meant to come for a visit.
Sorry, there I go again. I know in the grand scheme of things they aren't so bad, but it's so draining. Draining for dh who was brought up by them, and I can't say I wasn't brought up to feel lots of guilt and put my mum's feelings first, but at least my mum admits she was wrong. The in-laws don't see anything they did or do now as anything but right because they do it.