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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you live with someone who has a problem with your kids?

97 replies

goddess72 · 29/06/2011 19:03

Hiya, I have been with my partner for just over 2 years now, he is finding it really hard to be around my kids. They are 5 and 8 by the way, so they are quite young and ok can be a handful and noisey sometimes as kids are, he seems to over react to things to be honest and really struggles to be around them, never has anything positive to say about them always negative things! Last night after dinner my daughter read a letter from school to all of us about a fun day she had coming up, partner said 'don't read it to me, nothing to do with me its for Mummy, I've got nothing to do with you' did he really have to say that???

There's other examples but he's always saying things like I should be doing this, I should stop that etc, its really wearing me down why can't they just be kids!! He tried to get me to send them to their room when he came in from work to give him some peace. I did put my foot down and said no way, if he has a problem he can go to another room, so he has and quite often goes to the shed lol! Ok fair enough, but even that is starting to irrate me as it just shows he wants nothing to do with them, which makes me on edge and really I'm a single mum, but worse I'm being judged how I raise them !!! Ahhhh what would you do??

OP posts:

Ormirian · 30/06/2011 09:28

Good luck goddess. Hope you get your finances sorted soon.

theredhen · 30/06/2011 09:58

Good luck Goddess. I hope you can take the positives from posting on here.

I'm sure you're not a bad Mum, just trying to provide stability for your kids.

With societies stigma against single Mums it's not surprising that many look for a man to create an "acceptable family" to society and to bring some positives to their kids lives. Unfortunately it's not til you move in and life bumbles along that you really find out if you are going to get that "happy little family" or not.

needanewname · 30/06/2011 10:11

Good luck goddess, it may be hard but better for you all in the end (even the ex).

There is loads of support in here if you need or want it

buzzsore · 30/06/2011 10:13

Well done on making him leave. Maybe try CAB for help with your debts/finances?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/06/2011 11:04

There is help out there WRT finances: if you have debts there are free debt advice services who can arrange lower repayments/freezing the interest etc. If you work you may be entitled to tax credits as a single parent. It is quite often more practical in terms of recieving benefits to remain single - it's certainly better to remain single than have a cocklodger like this man.
CHin up and best of luck, you have done the right thing.

Original poster

goddess72 · 30/06/2011 17:44

Thanks for your good luck messages. I have got an appointment next week to discuss finances, see what options I have, at least it looks like I will be able to keep the house, well for now anyway! Fingers crossed

OP posts:

needanewname · 30/06/2011 17:46

Do you have the space for a lodger? Just a thought, might nit be ideal though I know

Original poster

goddess72 · 30/06/2011 18:09

I do actually, I don't know if thats a good idea or not, would depend who it was I suppose hmmmm

OP posts:

monkeysmum79 · 30/06/2011 19:42

My mother was with a man like this, treated my brother and I like shit. His actual words were 'parasites' nice eh! We lived with him for about 4/5 years and it was hell. Long and short of it, a decision had to be made and my mum got rid of us, I had just turned 11 and my brother was 14.
My mother and I have no relationship at all now, that sort of rejection isn't something thats easy to forgive but I tried, but whenever the subject came up all hell broke loose. I'd like to think my mum just can't cope with the guilt of what she did, and thats why we don't speak anymore but i'm making the assumption that she actually has feelings!!!!
I'm glad you've made the decision you have, Good luck to you and your children, It may be hard right now but I think you have saved yourself and your children from at lot worse in the future.

moondog · 30/06/2011 21:18

Monkey, that is so sad.

franke · 30/06/2011 21:30

Lodger very good idea. My sil used to take (carefully vetted) lodgers who would help out with baby-sitting for a reduced rent. Her last one was a primary school teacher I think.

Good luck. You got a bit of a rough ride here but you've been brilliantly decisive and I hope things get better for soon.

Original poster

goddess72 · 01/07/2011 09:34

Thanks franke, feel a little better today, I know I've done the right thing, the lodger thing maybe an idea, have my concerns though! Either that or sell up and get something smaller, pay off debts etc, but at least I'm dealing with it now, I can't ever imagine being in a relationship again, just don't think the one is out there for me. Maybe I'll feel differently when the children have grown up a bit, for now its me and them !

OP posts:

PogueMahone · 01/07/2011 23:35

Good for you! I'm so glad to see you made this decision.
I hope your meeting next week goes well.

Proudnscary · 02/07/2011 06:59

Goddess I think you have made a great decision, well done, it must be really hard for you.

ps I love that you say 'I'm not leaving him because of what anyone's said on here' - quite right mate - I understand why you said that. Some self-important posters seem to think that if the OP doesn't immediately accept their point and take their advice then they should be harangued and insulted and patronised forever more!

But as one damaged by a step parent, I am so relieved for your kids that they have a mum who is putting their needs first.

OscarLove · 02/07/2011 11:38

op, you're being slated because you obviously knew what the answer was (to get rid of bastard partner). Are you still with him or have you taken action? FWIW, If my partner didn't accept my pets, let alone my children, he'd be out the door. Your kids happiness and well being should come first. His shitty comments may well stay with them for life and when they remind you when they're grown up what he said, the guilt that you allowed this man to be like this to your DC will stay with you forever.

OscarLove · 02/07/2011 11:40

Oh sorry Godess, for my above ^^ post i've just noticed that you made a decision and well done you!!! You and your kids deserve much better. Well done for making that big step in the right direction! :)

pennylane78 · 03/07/2011 11:24

Darling get rid of him! you'd be just as well with a pet dog and a kennel outside... you and your children would get alot more love out of that!

Don't worry about standing on your own two! its the most liberating and fulfilling feeling of achievement! And can be done! Your kids are your world... they are little versions of us and the way that man is being is not healthy for you, your kids or him.

pennylane78 · 03/07/2011 11:27

Have just seen you got rid! welldone godess... keep your head up high and chin up... it'll come good in the end :) xx

Wisedupwoman · 03/07/2011 13:31

He's behaving a bit like a jealous sibling himself by the sounds of it. Does he crave your attention, particularly when the DC's are around? Or other people like RL friends?

TBH he sounds like he's really controlling and if so, this is the thin end of the wedge IME. If you give him an inch he'll go on taking.

mummytime · 03/07/2011 13:57

One thing to remember about a lodger, is if you are giving them a room in your own home, the income can be tax free up to a certain amount. Another thing friends have done around here is to have foreign students during the summer, you provide breakfast and dinner and a packed lunch, an they are out most of the time.

Good luck!

Flatstomachenomore · 03/07/2011 14:22

You don't really need to ask do you? Seriously? You are their mother, and you need to provide them with a home where they are adored, not where they feel as though they are in the way.

Unfortunately when we chose to have children our happiness is a secondary consideration!

ihatecbeebies · 03/07/2011 16:22

My mum always chose men over me, regardless of how nasty they were, I left home at 16, I am now 23 and i have nothing to do with her and I have a gorgeous 4yr old DS that she doesn't know either, you have done the right thing for your children - well done it was very brave to leave him despite the financial situation, im sure your dc's self esteem and happiness will really blossom now and you'll know it was all worth it

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