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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you live with someone who has a problem with your kids?

97 replies

goddess72 · 29/06/2011 19:03

Hiya, I have been with my partner for just over 2 years now, he is finding it really hard to be around my kids. They are 5 and 8 by the way, so they are quite young and ok can be a handful and noisey sometimes as kids are, he seems to over react to things to be honest and really struggles to be around them, never has anything positive to say about them always negative things! Last night after dinner my daughter read a letter from school to all of us about a fun day she had coming up, partner said 'don't read it to me, nothing to do with me its for Mummy, I've got nothing to do with you' did he really have to say that???

There's other examples but he's always saying things like I should be doing this, I should stop that etc, its really wearing me down why can't they just be kids!! He tried to get me to send them to their room when he came in from work to give him some peace. I did put my foot down and said no way, if he has a problem he can go to another room, so he has and quite often goes to the shed lol! Ok fair enough, but even that is starting to irrate me as it just shows he wants nothing to do with them, which makes me on edge and really I'm a single mum, but worse I'm being judged how I raise them !!! Ahhhh what would you do??

OP posts:

MadameCastafiore · 29/06/2011 19:36

My dad stuck with someone who had an issue with us - I pray everyday that she starts vomiting blood from having stomach cancer and dies in a terribly scared distressed state.

I wish this on my dad and worse - he was our father he should have chosen us.

Does that answer your question????

MadameCastafiore · 29/06/2011 19:37

And they will be unhappy at the moment - believe me I was I can remember it at 5 years old.

anothermum92 · 29/06/2011 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bessie26 · 29/06/2011 19:47

So what needs to happen so you can ditch him? Start making an escape plan!

LittleWhiteWolf · 29/06/2011 19:51

My DH grew up with a man like this. His mother is still with the horrible man but there's no love there. He doesn't even seem to like his own kids.

Get rid at once.

LeQueen · 29/06/2011 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 29/06/2011 19:58

When you see someone they take on your kids too, you come as a family unit, he does not want that family unit and is only interested in you.

It will never work. Sorry.

FabbyChic · 29/06/2011 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster

goddess72 · 29/06/2011 20:16

Right this is ridiculous, how dare you swear at me and call me names, you haven't the first idea what goes on in my life! This is only recent thing this has happened. I wanted help, but obviously I've come to wrong place, I don't wish to stick up for myself anymore, and I do not want any replies, the ones that have been aggresive, are alot worse mothers than what I am believe me, I would never speak to someone like that and you haven't got a clue what I have done for my kids. NO IDEA!!!! I will get rid thanks but from no help from youlot cheers mums net!

OP posts:

LauLauLemon · 29/06/2011 20:25

Personally, no, I couldn't live with a man who didn't respect and like my children. Children can be difficult, they can be pains in the arses and cause headaches and no end of stress but they are children and they are yours and he needs to respect and know that if he loves you and wants you, they come part and parcel of that.

I know it must have been difficult living with me in the beginning. DH and I had a DD at the time and he had a DS with another woman during a one night stand while we had broken up. Accepting his DS was difficult especially since we had him 3 days a week every week without fail and it was difficult to hide my own emotion at times but DS is a firm part of our family. He is treated like our DD's when he is here and I respect and like him. Do I love him like my own? No, I don't have that bond with him but I wouldn't dream of treating him like your partner treats your children.

I think not to love your children is fine but not to make an effort and try? That's not.

exoticfruits · 29/06/2011 20:26

You are getting honest advice-what did you expect? Children, always, always, always come first. You leave him. As an adult you can deal with heartbreak, your DCs are young and deserve the best, the very best and this man isn't that. You come as a package-he doesn't seem to realise this.

Ripeberry · 29/06/2011 20:32

Dump him! Would you seriously put your own happiness ahead of the safety of your children? He sounds unhinged

Ripeberry · 29/06/2011 20:34

Dump him! Would you seriously put your own happiness ahead of the safety of your children? He sounds unhinged

Face up to the truth!

Original poster

goddess72 · 29/06/2011 20:35

Please leave me alone!!!....safety hmmm u on the same thread????

OP posts:

iamnotsuperwoman · 29/06/2011 20:42

I wish my own mother had not chosen her personal relationships over her children. Having a mother who would stay with a man who makes no effort to bond or mistreats them (verbally is still bad, even if he doesn't hit) destroys a child's self esteem and can affect future relationships.

LauLauLemon · 29/06/2011 20:44

Some are being harsh but it's advice you asked for. You asked if we could live with someone who had a problem with our children. No, we obviously couldn't and you shouldn't either, not for your sake, for your children's sake.

Your children will be unhappy with your partners behaviour and are you going to sweep it under the rug and continue asking for advice you won't take when they're getting more and more unhappy with this man in your life? It was your choice to bring this man into their lives, not theirs so don't punish them for your doing, rectify it.

If this man can't grow up and learn that children will be children and if he can't learn to at least like your children (tolerate is not enough, imo) then your children and you are better off without him.

No, we don't have an idea of what goes on in your life so why don't you provide more backstory? You said yourself you are like a single parent, is there going to be a significant decline in your way of living if you boot this man out on his arse? What does he bring to the table but unhappiness on all accounts?

I'm not being mean, I'm trying to be constructive and find out more about the situation to advise you well but I'm struggling to wrap my mind around the situation.

moondog · 29/06/2011 20:45

Christ, the thouhgt of living with and hsaring a bed with a man who was vile to my children, makes my blood run cold.
It will cause them irrepairable damage.

sundayrose10 · 29/06/2011 20:49

op - you really shouldn't even have to ask!

Raise your babies by yourself and get rid of that man. Single mothers really need to be careful who they introduce their babies to. He is OPENLY showing contempt for your children. Get your motherly instincts to kick in. Get outraged and boot him out TONIGHT. I wish a bastard would try that shit with my child. I would fly kick him in the neck.

needanewname · 29/06/2011 20:50

OP can you put yourself in your childrens shoes?

How would you feel if your mum put a man before you?

I know its not as simple as that, it never is, but I honestly do think that there are solutions to the other areas, as someone else suggested, can you list some of the things that are stopping you from leaving him (or kicking him out), you never know, people may be able to help you there too - we're not a complete nest of vipers you know

sundayrose10 · 29/06/2011 20:52

I should say single parents not just mothers.

Original poster

goddess72 · 29/06/2011 20:52

Look I understand what your saying laulau, and I agree, but I do not agree to been sworn at, nor to being slated no matter what! This is a recent thing of course I wouldn't of moved in with him if he didn't like my children but seeing them once or twice a week is different to living with them. He has been good with them, but now he does just about tolerate them. I guess it was a silly question in the first place, but I was angry as you can imagine. I will tell him to go and infact was planning on having a very stern conversation with him tonight! There is problems financially we would have nowhere to live but I will sort it, I just wanted a bit of support but I realise I came to the wrong place so I will just get on with it.

OP posts:

thebestisyettocome · 29/06/2011 20:53

Personally I couldn't live with a man who had so little time or love for my children.

moondog · 29/06/2011 20:53

I am coinfused.
Does he live with you?
You say not ,then you say you can't leave because of financial issues./

Original poster

goddess72 · 29/06/2011 20:56

When did I say he doesn't live with me, yes he does but only for a few months, its not gone too well as u can see!

OP posts:

moondog · 29/06/2011 20:58

Sorry. He does?
Jesus, God help the poor souls.

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