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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you live with someone who has a problem with your kids?

97 replies

goddess72 · 29/06/2011 19:03

Hiya, I have been with my partner for just over 2 years now, he is finding it really hard to be around my kids. They are 5 and 8 by the way, so they are quite young and ok can be a handful and noisey sometimes as kids are, he seems to over react to things to be honest and really struggles to be around them, never has anything positive to say about them always negative things! Last night after dinner my daughter read a letter from school to all of us about a fun day she had coming up, partner said 'don't read it to me, nothing to do with me its for Mummy, I've got nothing to do with you' did he really have to say that???

There's other examples but he's always saying things like I should be doing this, I should stop that etc, its really wearing me down why can't they just be kids!! He tried to get me to send them to their room when he came in from work to give him some peace. I did put my foot down and said no way, if he has a problem he can go to another room, so he has and quite often goes to the shed lol! Ok fair enough, but even that is starting to irrate me as it just shows he wants nothing to do with them, which makes me on edge and really I'm a single mum, but worse I'm being judged how I raise them !!! Ahhhh what would you do??

OP posts:
needanewname · 29/06/2011 21:00

Do you love him? If yes then you owe it to yourself and him to have a serious conversation, but be prepared for it not to go the way you want.

If he doesn't have children of his own, he may not have realised just how noisey and messy they are. He may not realise that you don;t get peace at the end of a days work, with children work carries on when you get home, he may not realise he is being a knob and completely out of order.

I think the reason why you had such negative reactions on here was because some poster mothers did choose the man over the child and it always ends badly.

diggingintheribs · 29/06/2011 21:01

unfortunately the question reared the answers but you have made up your mind and don't need any other advice on that question

so

start a new thread asking for advice and support - you will get it!!

moondog · 29/06/2011 21:02

People will always get irritated with children.
#There is a huge diference however depending on whether the person beinig irritated is flesh and blood or some random shag.

Proudnscary · 29/06/2011 21:03

I have not read any other posts on here, apologies if it's moved on but:

DEAR GOD GET RID OF THIS MAN. HE WILL DAMAGE YOUR CHILDREN. I LIVED WITH A STEPPARENT LIKE THIS.

Please do not accept this, do not try and excuse him, don't normalise it, justify it. You know it's wrong. It is so awful as a child living on eggshells, having the joy sucked out of everything and feeling tense and unhappy - and GUILTY - all the time.

LeQueen · 29/06/2011 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ormirian · 29/06/2011 21:03

No I couldn't.

lukewarmmama · 29/06/2011 21:07

Haven't read the thread, but I don't need to. Rarely are answers black and white, but in this case:

No

Proudnscary · 29/06/2011 21:08

Ok read it all now - look I understand your reaction to all of these comments goddess. We don't know you, you are right - I am sure you have been a great mother and done all you can for them, love.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT you cannot stay with him because you love your children so much and they are being damaged. Properly damaged. I promise you they will have serious problems later in life if you stay with this guy long term. Okay?

The poster who said she wishes her stepmum would die of cancer? Didn't shock me a bit, I have thought similar things.

Original poster
goddess72 · 29/06/2011 21:08

needanewname....he has got children, but they are teenages, maybe he's forgotten. I don't get it. He knows whats coming though, as he hasn't come home yet. I'm alot happier when he's not here and obviously I did love him once, but now I just resent him, but I won't start another thread thanks!

OP posts:
buzzsore · 29/06/2011 21:13

Well, can we help you with any practical advice, like where to look for information or making an exit plan?

WibblyBibble · 29/06/2011 21:16

He sounds like a horrible man, and will hurt your children emotionally if you stay with him. DTMFA! You can find someone better who will love you and your kids and treat them with respect.

DaisyDaresYOU · 29/06/2011 21:42

Get rid! I say this as someone who was really f*** up by my dads wife behaviour.She was a bully and her comments etc shaped me into a really horrible teenager Sad I have to say I will never forgive my dad for sticking by her. I find him worse for allowing it.

SharonGless · 29/06/2011 22:13

goddess I think you are getting such strong reactions because other posters have been in the position your children are in now and they have bad memories of it. The way you are behaving resonates with the experiences that they have had in their childhood.

I think you had actually made your decision but wanted it validating. What practical advice do you need to get this man out of your life?

RudeEnglishLady · 29/06/2011 22:31

Have you sorted out the business with the 10,000 loan on your house yet? You had another thread before I'm sure???? I wouldnt have thought that you will become homeless over a 10 grand loan. Have you tried the free 30 mins at a solicitor for some accurate advice on booting him out?

bejeezus · 29/06/2011 22:34

OP- if you feel upset by the comments left by strangers who have replied to you on this thread; imagine how your children feel to be spoken to like your partner speaks to them

PogueMahone · 29/06/2011 22:48

goddess, so you've lived with this 'man' for a short period and it's already clear that he's not a nice person. Apart from the effect on your children (it's fair to say there's a consensus on how bad that is), you say you don't love him, in fact you resent him.

I know the practical part of splitting may seem daunting, but really, it is coming sooner or later, and the sooner the better.

YoungMotherTubby · 29/06/2011 23:17

Lots of sympathy.

You're on your own, you meet someone and eventually, as all is going well and he gets on with your kids, you move in together.

A few months on he resents the kids and his idea of being with you doesn't pan out because the kids are there all the time. He's pissed off and you're resentful and kids will be feeling it negatively too.

Thanks goodness you've realised this and clearly putting your kids first - otherwise you wouldn't be posting!

You know you've reached the right conclusion and already you are moving on in your mind - many people will be here to help. Good luck.

exoticfruits · 30/06/2011 06:34

He has been good with them, but now he does just about tolerate them

The alarm bells ring-this will decline further the better he comes to know you.

pink4ever · 30/06/2011 07:56

Op-I am not going to get angry with you but please listen to the advice you are being given.
My mum met my stepdad when I was 8.I hated him from the start-he was agressive and a control freak. He blighted a lot of my childhood with his horrible behaviour. Luckily I had my grandparents to stick up for me. However I no longer have a relationship with my mother and a significant part of that is that I cannot forgive her for choosing him over her children.
Get rid asap.

verytellytubby · 30/06/2011 08:26

No I couldn't.

My friend has and her kids (now teenagers) have real issues and are planning to leave home as soon as they can.

cory · 30/06/2011 08:45

goddess, if I were you I would take the strong reactions you are getting on this thread (and the strong language too!) as a gauge of the emotional damage done to children who have to live with an adult who doesn't think the world of them

children need that

if they have to feel unwanted in their own homes, they will grow up with a lot of anger

and as someone said, your own feelings at the negative reactions from strangers does give a kind of insight into what it will be like for your children to have this negativity in their own home

I think you have already come to the right conclusion: breaking up may be difficult, but this is not a relationship that will make any of you happy in the long run

theredhen · 30/06/2011 08:49

The thing about this site is that it is renowned for straight talking.

There will be posters who have had negative experiences and your post will have struck a chord.

It's easy to be harsh when you're sitting behind a computer screen and for some OP's this tact will work and shock them into taking action.

However, I think there is a danger of lowering someone's self esteem even further than it already is and this in turn, means they are even less likely to do something about their situation.

OP. I think you need to take a long hard look at this relationship and realise that being on your own is far far better for your children than being with a man who simply can't accept your kids.

Not everyone can take on someone elses children, I think you are the only one who really knows if this man is one of them?

muddyangels123 · 30/06/2011 09:00

GET RID

I lived with a step Father like this. Sad

Your children deserve better than someone that openly dislikes them.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/06/2011 09:04

So whose name is the house in? Are your worries down to the fact that you moved into his house and therefore can't legally throw him out of it? there are lots of posters who can give you practical advice on dumping a selfish unkind man.

Original poster
goddess72 · 30/06/2011 09:27

Gosh, this is still going, well i'm going to put an end to it now, as he's gone yes I threw him out! I tried talking to him, he didn't think the children really listened or took it in. Blamed problems in his past, but I told him to leave. Not because of what people said on here, I had really made my mind up and knew it was wrong, but sometimes when your in these situations you start to doubt yourself.

I resent being called a bad mother, but thats fine as you don't know me and alot are judging me on their pasts. I have got financial problems now, and not sure how I'm going to resolve them, I don't really want to discuss it as its very complicated and will probably get some horrible comment off someone which will make me even more emotional. Last time I asked him to go he wouldn't, so I really thought I may have to involve the police, but he went this time. The kids are upset he's gone at the moment, but they will be fine and as they are off school today we will try and have a nice day out!

Thanks though to some of you who were supportive

OP posts: