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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to survive an affair

89 replies

Raini2 · 28/06/2011 19:41

Has anyone heard of, or had any experience with the system by Dr. Frank Gunzburg, called How to Survive an Affair? It's a Step-by-Step System for Saving Your Relationship after It's Been Shattered by an Affair.
This only seems to be available on the internet. I am considering this rather than going to Relate.

OP posts:

brokenlady · 12/07/2011 14:41

cjel - am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It is hellish, I know. When I found out, I think I went in to shock - physically and emotionally. I was all over the place. The only thing that really kept me going was that I have 2 young DC and I couldn't let them down.

The early days were so dark for me and I am by no means fixed, there is stilll a long road of recovery ahead. But day by day, it does get a bit easier and it does hurt a little bit less. It is probably only been in the last week for me that I have been sure that it can work again and that I can move forward with him.

The only people who know in RL are our parents and a couple of my close friends. Some of them think I should have walked away and am insane to contemplate taking him back. However, I think to stay and fight takes guts and determination.

The websites and books have been helpful. I am also due to start some 121 counselling and I think H is going to do the same.

Please let us know how you are doing

cjel · 12/07/2011 14:54

Thank s, I am really fine, From looking at little house for me nd my son(26) and the dog, to wanting sort it all out and devestation about it happening to me!!! Have just ordered some books on marriage surviving affairs.It has been great to know I don't have to just leave and give up if I don't want to.xx

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/07/2011 16:00

Cjel - so sorry to read about your H. The marriage can only be saved if your H is willing to do all the work required from him - until he does this, you need to detach yourself. This would mean asking him to leave, and keeping contact with him to a minimum.

stargazy · 12/07/2011 16:57

CJEL Really sorry to hear that as well as the shock and sadness you have the added burden of your DH not being abslolutely clear cut it's you and your marriage he wants above all else.
Agree with MAHC that your DH must prove he's willing to do whatever it takes.For me the first absolute requirement was delete all her no's FB etc and NO contact if I was to listen,try and comprehend why this had happened after almost 30 yrs of good solid marrige.To this day he's not seen/spoken to her.(took me a while to believe this so shattered was my trust)Went to counselling-his idea.But think he was less emotionally attached to her than vice versa-just hooked on the flattery and fun of someone not embroiled in all the day to day stuff of family -and there was some stressful stuff going on at time.But I needed his support ,had given him loads thro the years in difficult times -not him behaving like a single man on the pull ,systematically chatting someone up behind my back -which is how it felt.
Your DH was in a bubble and depending on how detached from you he'd allowed himself to be may affect how easily he can switch off from OW -hell for you but it was a sort of addiction.Maybe that's why as MAHC says sometimes they need to see your'e really serious about what you will and won't tolerate if they are dithering.Still nearly kicked my DH out and he did all the right things from day one.Really loathed him at times.
Hi BROKEN.Your family obviously lot younger than mine but feel an affinity in your posts.Lots of similar circumstances and feelings.I'm rooting for you.x

cjel · 12/07/2011 22:14

Stargazy. thanks for your sensible post. Have insisted on things but it is hard to make sure that he doesn't have contact or nos. at work for instance.I still twitch if he doesn't come in or ring when hes says hes going to but its only a few days. I think I am being demanding and want to step back and not try to force him so then he can go if he wants. I'd rather that than the unknown. I'm glad you understand that 30 years is worth another go.get fed up with just hearing -hes betrayed you you deserve more dump him etc. its really good to know I am right to want to fight for my marriage.xx

stargazy · 13/07/2011 20:37

Yes I would have previously thought before experiencing a betrayal that it would be a clear cut conclusion to my marriage- but not that straightforward in reality.So yes CJEL fight for your marrige but only if your DH is prepared to fight twice as hard and more because no matter the dynamics in your relationship .and his reason for losing the plot. he's the one who betrayed you.
I was lucky that couple of RL friends supported me and were very unbiased. Knew him for years as a kind,decent and lovely man who they could see loved his family essentially but had mucked up big time for the first time.They gave me space and time to cry, rant and laugh at times.And now we are back on track they treat him just the same (he knows they know -told me at the time to talk to anyone I wanted as he'd been a prat and deserved it.)Atho didn't tell family and most of our friends as didn't feel the need to involve them and change their perception of him/us if things worked out.Hope you can find comfort from one or two good mates.It's a blessing.

cjel · 14/07/2011 18:23

thanks what a refreshing change to hear that H isn't the devil incarnate - just made a mistake!!! He is paying at the moment and I feel that I can fight it is worth it. I am prepared to let go if its not right but glad that someone has more balanced view. Have two great rl mates who have recently left DHs and my sister and also 14 fellow students on my counselling course!! there is always someone to scream at when I'm in the mood. Thanks for great response.I actually feel ok about what has happened. there are huge reasons and things going on in our lives which have led to this and to be honest I feel is no different if he went to drink or something to cope. Not saying sometimes I am in such pain over it but part of me feels sorry that we let things get to this point.xx

stargazy · 14/07/2011 20:44

CJEL glad to be of help.Have to warn you one year on can still get hit by sudden rush of sadness and feelings of regret as you say that things went astray.But look to the future nearly all the time now.Can't change the past and out of 30 years it was such a short time in our marriage if this makes sense.Recovery isn't linear-it gets better and then worse at times.But the bad days gradually get less.Guess hormones (approaching the menopause I think)don't help!Had a friend whose DH lied about finances and got them into dreadful debt.Her sense of betrayal and loss was just as keen.
So much depends on how your DH mans up from now on and takes the upsets on the chin.At times felt very sorry for my DH too as it was equally hard for him.But felt that if I could forgive him and show compassion I'd be more loved and cherished in years to come than ever.Some may think this naive but recently I really feel this to be true.I'm no push over.Quite a strong little person and wouldn't have hesitated to be on my own rather than settle for.And he knows that!Keep your chin up x

cjel · 15/07/2011 09:29

thank you. yes I am not stupid enough to think life will be a bed of roses either, But a lot has happened in 30 years and I too think this could be just another rough time. I have felt this hurt in the past and I bet he has too. He is trying to save business and home etc not due to his fault and his whole purpose in life has been to succeed in his work from his family history. I too can feel sorry for him. Have also told him I have means and support to go it alone and am here because I want to be not need to be. Bet this won't be the last day I cry though!!! wish you good days and the future you want.xx

brokenlady · 16/07/2011 14:27

Hope we are all good and strong?
I keep coming back to this thread whenever I am in need of support.
I coped better with our 10th wedding anniversary than I thought I would. I was at work during the day so I had a diversion. We had a very low key tapas supper together in the evening and, dare I say it, I quite enjoyed myself. We were able to talk about the good things that had happened to us in the last 10 years rather than focusing on the last crap 3 months. Just before bed, I did have a wobble though - I was hit by a wave of grief again and it came out as anger - I ranted and raved at H and I think he just kind of accepted that I needed to.
Stargazy, you are right when you say the grief can just come out of nowhere. Today, I was walking to the supermarket and the tears just came. I am trying not to put pressure on myself and to see this as all part of my recovery. I am sure there are more tears to come.
On balance though, I am proud of the progress I have made and I have learnt things about myself - I am stronger than I ever thought, have a real dignity and am able to forgive - despite being crushed and devastated.
CJEL - in the case of my H, I think the whole thing with OW was nothing more than an escape from reality and the pressures of everyday life. He was flattered and excited by the attention and I guess it was just something different. I have made it clear to him that this by no means makes it right though.

cjel · 16/07/2011 20:10

star. just came back as have had wobble myself had a lovely day together, then sometinhg gets in my guts again and the tears start. Glad to hear anniversary was better than you thought.xxxx

stargazy · 17/07/2011 10:14

BROKEN glad you got thro your anniversary and your H let you rant.After all my positive words recently hit a bit of a wall again the last two days.But had a bug earlier in week and some rubbish nights sleep, and work very busy so realistically I should have seen it coming.
It seems that when everything's going smoothly I'm great-when life gets complicated I feel to go under somewhat.A friend wisely said that discovery of DH's affair knocked my world of it's axis - and it was so sudden-no suspicions or warning.It's left my hyper-vigilant and with this feeling of insecurity I guess.And when I get low it translates to me going back over things instead of looking forward.
Best not to be too hard on ourselves eh ladies.Bet if we loook at things overall we should be amazed and proud how strong we can be and generally how we hold it all together.Hi there CJEL.Onwards and upwards.Have a good week all x

cjel · 17/07/2011 11:09

stargazy do you think we'll all go up and down together!!!! Hope you know his love.xx

brokenlady · 17/07/2011 17:48

Stargazy, I think you are so right about it being harder when life gets complicated. That is definitely the time I start going back over stuff and wobble.

The other problem I have is that my mum is less than happy that I am giving H another chance. She really wanted me to divorce him and move back north with DC where she could better support me. I understand that she doesn't want to see me hurt again but I feel I have to make my own decisions. I spoke to her this morning and that always sets me on edge. It is not so much what she says, rather what she doesn't say IYSWIM... H is also becoming increasingly angry towards her, saying if she can't support us then she should stay away. I really feel caught in the middle and just don't need this situation alongside everything else I am coping with.

Hang on in there CJEL.

We are off to France next week with DC and I hope that this will give us all more time to heal...

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