How to survive an affair

[Raini2]

Has anyone heard of, or had any experience with the system by Dr. Frank Gunzburg, called How to Survive an Affair? It's a Step-by-Step System for Saving Your Relationship after It's Been Shattered by an Affair.
This only seems to be available on the internet. I am considering this rather than going to Relate.

Yes, I found the cheating, secrecy etc very hard to take in - H said it was just sex but after several discussions, we realised that much of the affair was based on online chat, texts etc with the occasional shag. The ongoing contact really hurt - it was as if he wasn't there mentally for us during the past year. The OW was manipulative as she would send sexy texts (with pics) on important family events (e.g Mother's Day) to make sure that H's focus remained on her and not the family.

Back to the original thread, well done Brokenlady for handling last night so well, you were really brave. I have not yet seen H's OW - not sure how I will cope if I ever do bump into her.

You can only take one day at a time as its still very early days - I am now starting to look a few days ahead and I am starting to have more positive days although the affair still dominates my thoughts - its the first thing I think of when I wake up....

Madabout, I can really empathise with what you said in your last post. For the couple of months that H was having the affair, he was so distant and emotionally absent. OW also sent H pics which upset me to begin with - I now just think she was totally desperate and low rent to behave in that way.

What resonates with me the most is what you say about it being the first thing you think of when you wake up. I am exactly the same and was trying to explain this to H. He says that he understands I am hurt and angry and he says he is determined to make it up to me and prove that he is not going to let me or DC down again. However, I know he is also increasingly exasperated by my inability to look forward at the moment. He keeps saying that this is what we need to focus on and, in a heated moment yesterday, told me that I was not trying hard enough. I think I do just need to take one day at a time.

We have a holiday weekend booked for this coming weekend. Initially, I wanted to cancel but the DC are so very excited. I also hope that a change of scene will give me something else to focus on.

Yes BROKEN just keep going one day at a time.Explain to your DH firmly but nicely that you are doing the best you can but this has turned your world upside down and you can't/ won't be rushed in recovery.Over a year for me now-thank god past all those 'anniversaries' and the time of year it was all accelarating between them. Like you no sex in affair but weeks/months of almost daily contact thro work and masses of texts that became v inappropriate to say least.It still breaks your heart if not full blown physical.It's the secrecy and deception.And the way I found out rather than him telling me.
If he's truly remorseful and weathers the storm every time you get upset/rant/question it does get better -altho sometimes you feel you hit a wall and go back to discovery day.Daft as it sounds making myself do nice thoughtful things and being really civilised with him helped- making an unexpected cuppa,saying something kind or flattering.Bit like faking it till you make it really.Believe me sometimes I just let rip!
Go on your weekend and book yourself little treats along the way.Even just a coffee or walk with a good friend.It will dominate your every waking moment for weeks/months but gradually it does get less and the anger subsides and happiness-perhaps of a different kind than pre-affair does return.At least that's what I've found and hope it does for you.

Starcrazy - thanks for this post, it helps to hear from those further along the line, and it gives me hope that things will get better eventually.

The affair has made me think about what I want for me and from our marriage -it is turning out to be a huge wake up call. I hope that the final outcome will be a stronger marriage based on honesty and a better life for me as I will be making some changes in my life. The best revenge is to live well so that's what I will be aiming for.

I'm now 16 months post discovery of my dh's EA. At the time I discovered it they'd met for drinks, dinner and were endlessly texting each other. My dh was a total shit and she was a complete and utter bitch. We spent some time apart, but still regularly saw each other - we have three children - and he prevaricated. He just wasn't sure what he wanted. And then she very kindly texted me and rang my mobile to tell me that she was still seeing him at which point I threw him out. It was only after this that he slept with her for the first time. My throwing him out seems to have given him permission to shag her!!

It was really only at that point that he realised the consequences of his actions and the seriousness of what he'd done. And I do think that he had to come to those conclusions himself without any 'persuasion' from me.

He very quickly realised that what he wanted was to be with me and his children - he saw her for what she really was and for the first time really thought things through. She, herself, was married with three children - and he wasn't the world's greatest father to his own so quite how he was going to cope with someone else's was beyond me.

We stayed apart for some months. He terminated contact with her. She continued to text him for some time - I know, he showed me - we agreed on how to answer. The one time she rang and left a message he called her back, in front of me, and told her in no uncertain terms that she was not to contact him again and that he'd made his choice. She swore a lot!

Things are still rocky occasionally but getting better. I still don't trust him and I suspect that trust will take a long, long time to re-establish itself.

I don't feel the same about him as I did prior to this. He's not the man I thought he was and I have much less respect for him as a person. I don't want our marriage to be as it was before the affair - it wasn't great - but neither do I want it to remain like this. With me not trusting him, questioning him etc. But he knows that he has to put up with it. He had the affair, he now has to live with the consequences.

You do need to know everything. You do have the right to rant and rave at him - I still do now and again. And there are times when I still loathe him. I do still examine his behaviour carefully - is he behaving oddly, suspiciously - I can't help it. And it gets on his nerves but hey ... he know that he has to live with it.

I found the Shirly Glass book helpful - it validated my feelings and helped me to understand that what I was feeling was normal and that I had a right to feel angry and betrayed and let down. It's not so much the sex - it's the lies, the deceit and the betrayal and they're just as hurtful whether he did or didn't sleep with her.

Seriously, sharing these experiences help me through my day - so thank you.
Stargazy - the thing about anniversaries is right. It is our 10th wedding anniversary next week. I had so been looking forward to it but now am dreading it.

BROKEN I totally identify with the dread of wedding anniversary.Iwas doing really well until a week or so before ours- knowing that the year before when we'd gone out for a lovely meal all that 'stuff' was going on.DH had to put up with tears and serious wobble fom me and must have thought does this ever end.Decided to keep day very low key. No restaurant meal-just a bottle of wine and nice nibbles in garden-was a weekend and sunny day. We survived and actually had a nice day.
MADABOUT you are so right about living well the best revenge.I'm enjoying our times together but also really valuing my friends more than ever and feeling stronger as a person.Not that I was a doormat before by any means!But I had let my own interests and hobbbies slide in the general scramble of running my own business and family life.Not any more.Don't have lots of money to spare but make sure I've one or two nice things planned each week just for me-as well as things to do as a couple.Shirley Glass helped too as well as Andrew Marshall 'How can I trust you again'

Will definitely keep anniversary low key. Our parents all know about the affair so they are not expecting us to do anything. H knows I am very wobbly and insists that he will do whatever I need him to to make this ok. I know he is trying which I am pleased about. I just need to go at my own speed though.

I have also been taking a look at myself and what I want. Like you both say - with working and children and family, I have let other things slide. I am 34 and there are still things I want to achieve professionally, I also want to get back in to my running as this was something I always enjoyed that was just for me. I have also realised that I have some lovely friends around me and I intend to make more time for those relationships too. H and I have also talked about setting a little time -at least monthly - to do something just the 2 of us. Not necessarily anything costly - just a walk, or a drink in the pub, or fish and chips by the river etc..

All sounds like you're heading in the right direction broken. Well done!
And to all the 'wronged women' on this thread! Great strength of character shown!

Sounds like you are on the right track Broken. Our 15th anniversary took place the week after I discovered the affair -it was one of the lowest points of my life.

I like your idea of having a monthly date - my H has agreed that he would take the occasional Friday afternoon off work so that we can have some fun together while the DCs are at school.

Maybe just maybe starting to feel a little less broken.
I am going back to work tomorrow. Took the last 3 weeks off since finding out. Manager has been fantastic and have only told one other colleague who is very discreet and has been super supportive, particularly in assuring me that no one is talking about me. I have this silly paranoia at the moment that everyone somehow knows and I feel humiliated. Hoping that work will give me another focus and also help me to start putting my life back together.

You are not to feel humilated - that's dh's place. You hold your head high. You have done nothing wrong - that's your arse of a dh. I'm still with my dh and I still think that he behaved like an arse.

Thank you Wales. I know you are right but this nightmare seems to have really shattered my self confidence and self esteem. H and I are trying to work through things and I definitely think he has behaved like an arse

My dh's ow was 12 years younger than me, slimmer, richer, very glam and girlie (can't think what attracted him to her - being such a shallow and selfish man ) ... and 16 months later I still look in the mirror and don't always like what I see. And I still hate him for making me feel like this.

But I know that no matter what she looked like she was a total bitch - and a deeply unpleasant woman at that. She was a very spoiled woman, used to having her own way.

And then I look at dh - with his beer belly, and listen to fart, burp and snore and realise that what they had together was superficial - they only saw the best bits of each other and not the reality of everyday life. I know that the fact that he had 3 children of his own to consider would have impacted on any life together she was planning they had and I know that I would have made their lives hellish and I'm not ashamed to say that.

My dh can be very charming but he can also be very selfish - and that's what infidelity is all about really. Someone giving him/herself permission to have an affair. It's a very selfish thing to do, a very immature thing to do.

But you're the strong one and you stay strong.

In my case OW is 6 years older than me (Her and my H are the same age), fatter, plainer and deeply selfish and unpleasant. She is married with 3 DC. In moments of rage, I have snorted at H about this being the best he could do. Deep down it still hurts though regardless of what she looks like and I can't help comparing myself.

H has said that he liked the excitement and escape from reality. I think once I found out and her H found out, the romantic idealistic bubble burst. H said he never intended to leave me - rather just have his cake and eat it - charming I know! The realities of trying to parent her 3 kids as well as his own and deal with an ex husband and an ex wife and all the complexities that it would bring suddenly made it seem far less exciting and romantic me thinks.

My XH's first OW is younger than both of us, deeply flaky, but ok looking I suppose.

Second one, I haven't seen but DS says she's got a fucking big nose on her. She's same age as XH. Her D owns a huge building company, hence how XH finds her considerable assets so appealing. He's got quite a conk on him too so that must make snogging quite an adventure in creativity.

@ WISEDUP
Pleased to say that going back to work was much easier than I thought it would be. I realise how fab my colleagues are. Manager has been uber supportive - he has even cried with me about all of this and I feel that he is on my side. Colleagues just said it was nice to see me again and there was no fishing for details. Most importantly, I didn't feel silly or humiliated. Clients were also pleased to see me and I think it actually gave me a confidence boost. It also meant that I had something to fill my day rather than sitting at home on my own and obsessing. Feeling more like my old self tonight than I have since I discovered the affair.
1-0 to Team Wronged Women!

Well that is really lovely to hear broken.

It makes such a difference when colleagues show some sensitivity to each other.

All this and the other support you get will have a cumulative effect on your overall recovery.

Keep going, and you'll get there.

Sounds like you have an amazing boss as well as fab colleagues. So pleased you had a good day.

Been thinking about you today BROKEN and so glad your day at work went well.Just having support from a few kind people in RL makes a huge difference.
Your posts really resonate with me because this very time last year I felt as traumatised and all over the place as you. I won't pretend everythings always perfect now -only last night I felt a surge of anger towards DH as we were chatting and cooking dinner and I suddenly thought how we used to do this and all seemed normal but he was carrying on with all this 'stuff' and would have been deleting all that day's texts just before coming home. But it's fleeting moments of upset and sadness compared to days and hours of it.And I remind myself he's not doing that 'stuff' anymore and really regrets he did.
Hope your DH continues to do all the right things to make it up to you and help you recover so that this time next year instead of feeling broken you feel mended.

Thank you for that stargazy. It helps to hear from people who are further on in this journey than I am. It also helps to know that my feelings are 'normal'

We went on our weekend break and had really good days with DC. I was able to go for hours without thinking about the affair - definitely progress for me. In the evenings, we had wine and nibbles and used the time as an opportunity to really talk - just the 2 of us. We both agreed that we want to make this marriage work.

As I said previously, it is our 10th wedding anniversary this week and I made it clear to H that I want it very low key. Anyway, while we were away, he presented me with a very beautiful necklace. I know it cost him a small fortune but that is by the by. What touched me is that he went to the trouble of choosing something himself and that he clearly put a lot of thought into it as it is very me. I hope this doesn't sound like I have allowed myself to be bought by pretty jewellery because this is not the case. I just appreciate the effort he is trying to make.

We came home today and I did have a bit of a wobble. I think it was a case of back to reality. It also occured to me that if I hadn't caught him out a month ago, we would have gone on this break and had a rotten time as he would have spent all his time trying to get away from me and DC so he could text OW and call her etc... I told H how I was feeling and he has been able to change his response to the feelings. Instead of becoming angry and aggressive, he was reassuring. He said that he had had a great weekend and that he only wants to be with me and DC, feels angry with himself that he risked everything he has worked for over last 20 years and tha OW was never worth losing it all over.

Saw OW tonight when I dropped DD off at her activity. Allowed myself to feel smug that she looked a complete state as usual. She was signing the children out this evening and attempted to smile at me but I just looked right through her. I feel strong.

Good! Well done!

Glad you survived your w/end BROKEN and well done you for feeling strong when you sw OW. know what you mean about the feeling that if you hadn't caught him out this would still have been going on.That was hardest part for me for first few weeks -the sick realization that no matter how contrite and lovely he was being without the accidental discovery of all those texts I'd have been none the wiser and how much longer would it have gone on and how much further?
In the end I just had to let those thoughts go as best I could. When tired and stressed can still resurface-like tonight having a rubbish night with aftermath of stomach bug -but know now how to block negative thoughts and concentrate on positives.Actually got lot better at that generally which is a good thing to have come out of the experience as before prone to being a worrier and re-examining things too much.
Just had to keep reminding myself that it's not happening now.It was a bubble that burst and it was shitty for him too to face up to the hurt he caused ,how close he came to losing me and all we'd built together over the years and knowing I'd lost my respect and love for him.That's slowly returned but only because he's not put a foot wrong since D day.I'm acutely aware that's not the case for everyone and don't want to sound smug just grateful we've come this far.
Keep going!

Your post really mirrors my own thoughts Stargazy. H has been honest enough to admit that it would have gone on had I not found out. And like you say, I suspect that it would have gone further than the texting in time... Certainly he didn't expect to get caught as he did. When he told OW that I had found out, she said that it was over immediately. Apparently she told him that he had let her down by being found out and that she couldn't trust him anymore. There has never been any thought on her part for the hurt she has caused me or DC.

In the days after I found out, I wrote a letter to H and told him that I did not feel he was the man I had married; that he had become a liar and a cheat and deceitful; that he had let me down and DC down too; that I could no longer feel proud to be his wife etc... Basically he says that he still can't read that letter without crying so I know that he is going through his own pain as he faces the reality of what he did.

As you say, this is slowly working itself out for us because he hasn't put a foot wrong. I just hope in time he will prove himself to be 'my lovely husband' again

Am so pleased to see this thread had only heard of he's a bastard leave him type before. Just found out at weekend dh has friend he really likes No sex, only just one meal, on saturday morning when I found out but every time I push( having checked he receiptsand phone) he then admists yes lunchwas all , yes phone txe was all. I really want it to go away and am so sad. am crying now. This thread has encouraged me it isn't compulsary to throw away 30 years of marriage and if my gut is its wotrth fighting for I can have a go if I want. Thanks. He hasn't decided between us yet btw. am def going to sent off for the books. thanks ladiesxxx